Tweenage Wasteland

Moving Day

2011-11-16T12:13:00.003-05:00

Attention, faithful Tweenage followers (all 12 of you): Tweenage Wasteland is moving! Specifically, to Wordpress, 'cause we like it better. Our new home is:

http://active-voice.net/tweenage/

(It's pink! It's got Zef posing ridiculously! What's not to love?)

For those of you who follow our LJ feed, you don't need to worry about a thang, since it's been updated to point to the new blog. Huzzah! If, however, you're following us directly from our RSS feed, we ask that you resubscribe over here.

For those of you who found us by Googling "selena gomez baby pictures," you can continue to do so, and we will continue to not have any. Sorry.

And for those of you who want me to shut up and give you that link again, it's:

http://active-voice.net/tweenage/

See you there!

Friday Flashback: Boyz II Men

2011-11-11T21:53:00.002-05:00

Every frame of this video is more hilarious than the last.

Boyz II Men: I'll Make Love to You (1994)

Perfection.

2011-10-31T22:38:00.004-04:00

It puts his love of a terrible mustache to good use, but it's the shorts that really make the costume. I don't say this often, but well played, Zac Efron. Well played.

"My name is Makenzie, and I'm 25 and three quarters."

2011-10-01T13:34:00.003-04:00

Toddlers & Tiaras with Ashley Tisdale from Ashley Tisdale

As much as I love Tizz, I'm actually kind of glad Hellcats was canceled, because maybe she'll go back to being comedy. And you guys, she is HILARIOUS.

2011-09-04T14:39:00.003-04:00

So yesterday your lovable Tweenage bloggers went to see Big Time Rush at Six Flags:

(Can you see us? We're on the left.)

Now, we've ragged on their musical abilities in the past. And the last time Becky saw them in concert was...not good. So we weren't expecting much from the band last night. We were just going because we love them, and hey, Six Flags!

You guys. They were actually...really kind of good? I know, we were surprised too!

I mean, the choreography and the execution thereof was subpar, as usual, but they were actually singing (even Nsync didn't always do that!) and they all sounded good! Even Logan! Even James, who was clearly too exhausted from running and jumping and "dancing" to oversing the way he usually does. It turns out we were right - when he doesn't oversing, he's got a lovely voice!

They even sat down and performed acoustic versions of three songs ("Stuck," "I Want to Hold Your Hand," which baffled the small children, and "Worldwide"). "Worldwide" is so much better when it's acoustic, you guys! They've learned how to harmonize! And Becky only wanted to stab James a little during "I Want to Hold Your Hand!" (She has Feelings about Beatles covers.) Also, they invited a little girl up onstage for "Worldwide" because it was her seventh birthday and sang it to her and you could hear little popping noises throughout the crowd as everyone's ovaries exploded. EVEN THE DUDES'.

It was also a pretty extensive set - they played everything on the album except for the two duets and "Oh Yeah" (thanks for that, boys), plus "Famous," "Any Kind of Guy" (really, though?), the aforementioned Beatles cover, and "If I Ruled the World." I consider 13 songs good concert-going value.

Other things to note:

Logan is still refusing to attempt to learn to dance. STOP THAT, LOGAN.
Kendall was wearing a boater and suspenders. Jess is torn between horrified laughter and kind of being super attracted to him. She's very conflicted.
Becky has not been giving James Maslow's hips enough credit. They don't lie!
CARLOS. Oh my goodness, y'all, Carlos Pena is a perfect human being. He had the best stage presence, he was completely adorable with the little girl, his voice is gorgeous and for once was free of all the post-production nonsense they slap onto it in the studio, he's the sharpest dancer, and he is THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PULL OFF WEARING A HAT. We are both nearly 30 and we were chinhandsing in his general direction all night. CARLOS, YOU'RE THE BEST ONE.
There is nothing more adorable than flocks of children (of both genders!) running around a theme park in homemade BTR shirts.

In conclusion, Big Time Rush is actually kind of awesome live, and we are totally going to see them again next time they tour. But they should leave the hats at home.

Except Carlos.

(He's the best one.)

Maybe he's gunning for a role in the Gilligan's Island remake.

2011-09-04T11:13:00.001-04:00

I...I don't even know what to say to this. Drake, why do you want to make me sad?

blast from the past

2011-08-15T20:14:00.002-04:00

Just for Jess: This turned up on my tumblr dashboard today...

"Awesome" is a totally valid topic of conversation.

Sparks Flew. Like, a year ago. Whoops?

2011-08-14T11:12:00.006-04:00

[Note: I wrote this review, like, 11 months ago and kept forgetting to post it. But I've been in a tween girl music frenzy the past week or so, so I dusted it off, just for you!]

I really like Miranda Cosgrove. It helps, of course, that I've been watching her grow up since she was a tiny little thing on Drake and Josh, but she just seems to be a sweet girl with her head on straight, and I'm very fond of her.

This is why it's so sad that she projects awkwardness and discomfort, like, all the time. She's not a bad actress, and she's incredibly pretty, but she looks like she's dying of self-consciousness every time I see her. I want to tell her to stand up straight, take her hands off her hips, and take several deep breaths. Case in point. (Though if I were wearing that jacket, I'd be shrugging awkwardly too.)

But the good thing is, this is an entirely visual issue, and so while listening to her first full-length album, Sparks Fly, I can just enjoy her lovely voice and my positive feelings towards her, and don't have to worry about how twitchy I get while watching her.

Speaking of her voice, I was pleasantly surprised! After hearing her (very enjoyable) contributions to the iCarly soundtrack, I had mentally categorized her - a little dismissively - in the "somewhat squeaky, thin-voiced soprano" group with Aly and AJ, Emily Osment, and Selena Gomez. As one of the better ones, to be sure, but nothing to write home about. And I still wouldn't say she has a voice for the ages - she's not as striking or powerful as, say, Miley - but her pipes are strong and she has impressive range. In "There Will Be Tears," for example, she takes the verses about an octave deeper than usual, and sounds like an entirely different person. (Still good, though.)

The music is standard pop fare, but I love standard pop fare, so that's not a complaint. There are, inevitably, some bombs: the overproduced dancepop variety ("BAM"); the overly-saccharine inspirational ballad variety ("Hey You"); and the "I think I'm a rock star but I am incorrect" variety ("Daydream"). But for the most part the album is extremely listenable, whether Miranda's singing with breathless excitement about new love ("Kissin' U," "Shakespeare") or sassy disdain about a man who done her wrong ("There Will Be Tears," "Brand New You"). There are some nice ballads, too: "Beautiful Mess" is a surprisingly convincing picture of the messy end of a troubled relationship, and Miranda gets to show off her belt nicely in "What Are You Waiting For?"

My favorite, though, is the bouncy, hiccupy "Disgusting" - I listened to the album straight through, then went back and listened to this one like ten times in a row. My only quibble is the utterly baffling line "It's disgusting how you change me/ From a bandit to a baby." Bandit? Really? Because that just makes me picture this:

...which is actually a pretty delightful image, so BONUS POINTS.

Seriously, though, Sparks Fly is pretty much an all-around great pop album, and definitely one of my favorite offerings from the various TV pop princesses. Well done, Miranda. Might I suggest more music and less shrugging in your future? Pretty please?

whaaaaat

2011-08-11T22:06:00.007-04:00

Recently, when I've flipped past Nickelodeon, I've seen promos for Bucket and Skinner's Epic Adventure. Sometimes I think I should watch it! Then I look at the main characters.

Or more specifically, the blond one. I don't know who's Bucket and who's Skinner, because literally all I can think is, "WHAT IS ON YOUR HEAD??"

What is that?? And I don't mean the hat.

Child, WHAT

ARE

YOU

DOING

....and all I can do is stare in blinking incomprehension, and that is why I haven't actually watched the show.

Maybe there's just a breeze at head height.

2011-08-07T21:42:00.002-04:00

Zef. Either it is hot enough for a horrible tank top and jams, or it is cold enough for a wool cap. PICK ONE.

P.S. Really? Jams?

A Second Look at Victorious

2011-07-24T17:14:00.003-04:00

Wow, so. Okay. I'm already on record as not liking Victorious, but in the last year, I've actually kind of come around on the cast members. Victoria Justice, while she has zero stage presence, actually has a powerful instrument in her voice. Ariana Grande is actually amazing and probably Jess's new favorite. I think it's pretty great that Avan Jogia made a PSA for Straight But Not Narrow. I've heard rumors the rest of the cast is also pretty talented. So when the new episode of Big Time Rush ended and Victorious came on, I figured hey, why not give the show another shot?

Big mistake.

Man, this show is not only not good, it's still actively, really offensive.

The episode was about the kids making a movie and some jackass young director taking credit for it; meanwhile, Puppet Kid (who's name apparently is Robby or Robbie; I can't be assed to look up which spelling, because of all the loathing I have) and Douchey Hot Guy (Beck) fix Robby's car. And that was the way more troubling plotline.

First, let's start with some casual transphobia: Robby refers to his car as "it," and Beck corrects him: vehicles get "she" and other female pronouns. "Not just cars. Cars, boats… my 'uncle Barbara,'" with sarcasm and finger quotes. Ha hah ha, silly transgender people, trying to forge identities that feel correct to them! Ha ha ha, let's use them as punchlines, because it's not like it's a group that faces incredible amounts of stigma and discrimination, including but not limited to frequent assault and murder! Hi-fucking-larious.

So the plotline then goes on: girls gather to watch Beck get greasy, working on the car; Robby wants to impress them and embarrasses himself. This, of course, leads to one of the girls turning a hose on him -- with spray so powerful he is knocked off his feet. Now on the one hand, at least the show doesn't sympathize with him for objectifying girls; on the other hand, he is physically assaulted and it is played for laughs. When Beck finally looks up and sees this, he encourages the girl with the hose to do it some more. So I guess he's a good enough friend to fix Robby's car for him, but not a good enough friend to, uh, not want Robby to be badly injured.

That's a major problem that underlies this show and every single character in it: they have zero empathy for one another, or indeed, other human beings in general. But more on that in a second. First, to wrap up this storyline, Beck finishes fixing the car and Robby laments that the girls were only there to watch him, and now he's bummed. Beck points out that… girls love guys with cars. Robby adds, "Right, because I can drive them places. Like… shopping!" LOLOLOL girls all love shopping, you guys! I've never heard that as a punchline before, ever. Hilarious cutting edge comedy! Or wait, no, the opposite of that.

Anyhoo, Beck goes off to "find [Robby] some cheerleaders who need rides," which is pretty gross and objectifying, but while he's gone, some thugs or someone come and steal Robby's car. While Robby sits and pouts, the cheerleaders roll their eyes and walk away. The end.

So in summary: 1) transgender people make for good comedy, 'cause the entire concept of someone choosing a gender identity not based on the one assigned at birth is funny; 2) girls love shopping and are shallow; 3) physical assault is funny.

The main plotline was mostly better, and even managed to contain some funny lines. Tori's exchange with her sister was mean but funny (if only because Trina -- is that her name? Wait, I still don't care -- doesn't seem too upset by it), and the exchange between Andre and Tori, "What's the plan?" "You're smart, [Jade's] mean, you figure one out," actually made me laugh.

So… the director was a jerk and took all the credit, and they came up with a wacky revenge scheme, involving calling him out on a live talkshow. And I guess for some reason, they can't do it themselves…? So okay, Andre hires his cousin to do it. And that's where it becomes problematic, because Andre's cousin is 100% Sassy Black Woman Stereotype. She sasses at the kids, then the talkshow gets started. And, shockingly, the jackass director actually gives them credit! The kids are stunned… then turn to the cousin, trying to signal to her not to go through with the plan, but she shoots them a thumbs up and starts yelling at the director, and then -- you guessed it! -- physically assaults him.

The kids muse that they feel kind of bad, because the director actually did the right thing in the end, and maybe they should help him. Instead, they go get waffles, while the Sassy Black Woman, you know, continues to beat him. Because hey! Physical assault! It's funny!

Basically, my issues are 1) racism, because hey, did you know black people are really really agressive??? Oh wait, that's a racist stereotype; and 2) assault isn't funny. I can feel exactly what comedic beat the show was going for there: it is funny to have a normal person observe something absurd, consider it for a moment, and then move right along as if weren't absurd at all. But the reason that doesn't work here is because it's not funny to walk away from an assault that you caused as if nothing problematic is going on. The kids weren't being hilarious here, they were being assholes. Just like Beck to Robby earlier.

Why are these characters so unable to see that causing serious injury is, you know, bad? That laughing at someone's misfortune is cruel? They aren't a group of friends (or frenemies, in Jade's case); they're a group of sociopaths. Why is it meant to be funny when you get someone horrifically hurt, as was the director; or when you set your friend up for injury and humiliation, as Beck and Robby? Look: a fun show about a wacky group of friends should, ideally, make viewers wish they were part of that group of friends. This show? Makes me wonder how long it'll be until most of the characters are in jail. I wouldn't want to be friends with a single one of them.

So our finally tally…

Sexism? [✔]
Transphobia? [✔]
Randomly vicious, borderline-sociopathic protagonists? [✔]
Racist stereotype? [✔]

So I guess it wasn't just a few unfortunate choices in the pilot. This show is full of fail, and, having given it a second look, I do not think I will ever, ever give it a third. I really want to like some of the members of the cast, and I'm genuinely sad that they're all on this show.

Friday Flashback, and a Discussion Question

2011-07-22T23:36:00.002-04:00

Britney Spears: ...Baby One More Time (1998)

Christina Aguilera: Genie in a Bottle (1999)

I recently watched the "Genie in a Bottle" music video for the first time in a while, and I was shocked at how blatantly sexual it is. Not because I felt the need to clutch my pearls or anything, but because I don't remember any controversy about it, whereas I do remember people talking about the "...Baby One More Time" video like the world had come to an end.

But Christina's midriff is just as bare as Britney's, and the song is far more suggestive. While Britney did a cheerful little dance and some gymnastics, Christina spends most of "Genie" rolling around on the beach at night in tiny shorts, and at one point writhing on the hood of a car like the B-roll from a heavy metal video.

(Please note that I think "Genie" is a fantastic video and I am not trying to imply that Christina did anything wrong. I'm just noting that the sexuality is more overt than in "...Baby.")

So why the lack of controversy? Was it because Christina was over 18 at the time, and Britney wasn't? Because Christina didn't combine that sexuality with the trappings of childhood (the infamous schoolgirl uniform)? Because Christina is biracial, and biracial women are stereotyped as being more sexual and can thus "get away" with acting sexier? Or were we as a culture simply inured to the concept of blonde teenagers' bellybuttons at this point?

Let me know what you think! Once you're done watching the videos and reminiscing, that is. It's okay, I'll wait.

A Fairly Decent Movie: I'm As Surprised As You Are, Timmy Turner!

2011-07-19T20:32:00.002-04:00

I love Drake Bell. I think he’s adorable, and a super talented actor and musician, and basically an all-around cool human being. (And I saw him in concert a few weeks ago. I should probably write that up.) Which is why I’m so frustrated with his post-Drake and Josh acting choices, because he seems really committed to cheerfully making terrible movies no one wants to see. (I’m also frustrated with Josh, but that’s less because of his acting choices and more because he’s a pothead.)

I successfully avoided College and Superhero Movie, but I did make Becky TiVO the live-action Fairly Odd-Parents movie last week, mostly out of morbid curiosity. I didn’t watch the show much, which was somewhat after my youthful Nick-watching days and before my weird grownup Nick-watching days, but I was familiar enough with it to be horrified by Drake’s decision to slum it. Regardless, I figured the movie would be terrible and thus good for a lulzy blogpost.

Unfortunately, there are no lulz for you, because – shockingly! – the movie wasn’t terrible.

Oh, it was incoherent. The basic premise is that Timmy, knowing that he’ll lose his beloved fairy godparents (and godbrother) when he grows up, refuses to leave the fifth grade or his parents’ house, and thus even though he’s 23, he’s still basically a kid. But when Tootie, a dorky girl who had a crush on him when they were kids, returns to town all hottified, he starts to consider the benefits of leaving childhood behind. Meanwhile, basically everyone else in the world wants him to give up the fairies.

This means that there are anywhere from three to five antagonists: A mean ol’ businessman who wants to pave over Dimmsdale Park teams up with Timmy’s teacher to steal Timmy’s fairies. Meanwhile, Jorgen Von Strangle tries to force Timmy to fall in love in order to make him grow up. Also Vicky, Timmy’s old babysitter, is in the movie but with basically nothing to do. And Tootie/love itself is its own conflict.

So everything happens really fast, there’s not enough time given to any characters or relationships to make the payoffs work, and I was honestly kind of lost. Plus the vague attempts to make the movie cartoony didn’t really work. And there’s a brief scene where Cosmo and Wanda turn into humans, because apparently Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines had nothing better to do with their time (the creepy-looking CGI characters are voiced by their regular actors for the bulk of the movie). And no one seemed particularly skeptical of or surprised by the fairies.

And yet the movie…kind of works? And that’s 80% because of Drake, who, bless his soul, totally goes for it and makes you believe that he’s this earnest, fun-loving little manchild. (It helps that Drake Bell is one of the Fair Folk, and boyishly adorable.) Timmy is a delight all the way through, and while I don’t think this movie was necessarily the right choice for Drake, Drake was clearly the right choice for this movie.

Another 15% of the credit goes to Daniella Monet, who also totally throws herself into the role of Tootie. (Actually, no one phones it in in this, which is more than you can say for the typical DCOM. Also, the production values are much better.) I still can’t sit through an episode of Victorious, but the supporting ladies of the cast are growing on me. And 5% of the credit goes to Timmy’s random little kid friends, who get all the best lines, and one of whom is wearing a Jughead hat for no particular reason.

There were some gross gender-related issues in the movie, mostly involving Timmy’s friends AJ and Chester refusing to help him save his godparents and Tootie unless he magically coerced some hot girls into dating him, and the awful dynamics of Cosmo and Wanda’s marriage (she nags him! he insults her! hilarious!). But for the most part, the movie, while not good by any stretch of the imagination, wasn’t really bad either. And for a live action made-for-TV special based on a cartoon, what more can you ask?

did me old ears hear someone singing a birthday?

2011-07-09T15:36:00.002-04:00

Happy 20th birthday, Sandwich Boy.

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll grow out of your awkward phase soon.

source.

Teen Choice Awards Employs Time Travel, Breaks Space-Time Continuum.

2011-07-03T20:03:00.003-04:00

The Teen Choice Awards nominees were recently announced, and I am all at a loss. Now, according to my calendar it's 2011, but according to these nominations, I am way off. So what year is it really?

J-Lo as a red carpet icon: 2000?

A girl-on-girl kiss scene for Choice Liplock, and Enrique Iglesias for Choice Male Artist: 1999?

Kevin Bacon involved with anything with the word "Teen" in it: 1984?

Or heck, with Angel, Pacey Witter, Dean Forester, and Clark Kent all up for acting awards, maybe the early 2000s spirit of the WB is simply trying to claw its way out of its grave, vampire-like:

Come on, tweens of today. You have your own heartthrobs. Quit stealing mine, or I'll make you watch more of those WB promos. The one from 2000 is particularly killer.

A Challenger Approaches

2011-07-03T19:08:00.004-04:00

Uh oh! Looks like Robert Pattinson is gunning for the coveted TW position of Dude Making Stupid Faces in Wool Hats! Zac Efron better watch his back.

There's something familiar here...but what?

2011-06-21T21:48:00.002-04:00

The new BTR video premiered a few days ago.

Subtle!

It's better than bad: It's Good.

2011-06-12T12:02:00.004-04:00

(If you get the reference in this post's title, congratulations! You're old like me.)

As the ever more desultory posts here can attest, Becky and I really really like Big Time Rush. And though the extremely hilarious Erin Sanders (Camille) is our favorite BTR gal (so funny! so cute! so inappropriately hot!), we're also very fond of Katelyn Tarver (Jo), so when I heard she was releasing a single, I had me a listen:

And, you know, it's good. (Zing!) Neither the song or her performance are anything to write home about, but they're also perfectly respectable. I like it, and I'll probably get her EP when it comes out.

But it was hard for me to tell how good a singer she actually is, since the song isn't super challenging, and it's a bit autotuned. (Not hugely. But a bit.) So I went looking on YouTube, since most of the Nick/Disney actress/singer crowd has tons of videos of themselves singing Katy Perry songs in their bathrooms or whatever. Instead, I found this:

That's 14-year-old Katelyn singing on American Juniors, and being so cute I can hardly stand it. (Also, how did I not know this show existed? This show was made for me!) She's precious! But hm, who does she remind me of?

Somehow it only makes me love her more.

Big Time DVD

2011-03-26T21:40:00.003-04:00

If you’re a regular reader of our extremely intermittent posts, you’ve probably deduced that we really love Big Time Rush. So we were delighted to receive copies of Big Time Rush Season One, Volume One, which drops this coming Tuesday. And then watch them. Again. And again. And again.

Becky: My ever so patient older sister has now seen the eleven included episodes often enough that she has them memorized. (Don’t believe any complaints. She loves them. It’s not Stockholm-y at all.) Anyway. The DVD itself looks nice enough. The front cover is surprisingly serious for such a funny show, but there are grins on display on the back. (Inside is this, which is a lovely photo, but confidential to James Maslow: you can generally either have a sexily unbuttoned shirt or a sexily loosened tie, but both at once just looks kind of silly.) Copy-wise, everything printed on the DVD has a somewhat tenuous relationship to punctuation, and skews towards overuse the Dropped G of Not At All Awkward Coolness. The boys are “hangin’,” and “learnin’,” and both the cover and the episode summaries inside are painfully obviously written by an adult trying to sound like a tween. (Though maybe that beats the reverse, earnestly but incoherently written by an actual tween.)

Jess: As for the episodes themselves, well...they’re great. This is a review of the DVD and not the show itself, so I won’t gush too much about the content, except to say that Big Time Rush is smarter and funnier than pretty much any kid-oriented sitcom I’ve ever seen. As you might imagine, the video and audio quality are high - it’s not like much remastering was required. My only complaint about the way the episodes are presented is that each one is an entire chapter on the DVD, meaning you can’t skip halfway through an episode or over the theme song.

Becky: Aside from episodes, the main reason to buy a DVD is the special features. Unfortunately, the Big Time Rush DVD is pretty lacking in that area. There are exactly two: pop-up trivia for a single episode (“Break”), and a photo gallery. Now, our brains are the information-gathering equivalent of hoarders, meaning the trivia episode is basically amazing, but the gallery is exactly one picture of each band member, so that’s... not a huge draw. I assume the target audience for the DVD is probably not as interested in features as adults tend to be, so this isn’t actually a huge loss or anything; but, given how charming and goofy the actors are (and how there’s clearly already lots of existing backstage footage, since there’s plenty available at Nick.com), it seems like a lost opportunity. Alas.

Jess: One final thing that’s mildly annoying to your two too-old-for-this-show bloggers is that this is Season One, Volume One, and contains only the first 12 episodes of the first season. I’d rather have the whole season in one box. Also, this set retails for $19.99, which means that the whole first season will eventually set fans back about $40. If it came in one set, it would probably be priced closer to $30...but would be out of the target audience’s budget, where $20 is more likely to be either in their pockets or wheedled out of Mom and Dad. So while I find the two volume season strategy to be annoying, I recognize that breaking it up into two makes it more accessible to kids, and also admire the shrewdness of Nickelodeon’s pricing strategy. Well played, Big Orange Couch. Well played indeed.

Becky: At our other blog, Jess and I rate books on a scale of one to five cupcakes. Adopting that here, we give Big Time Rush Season One, Volume One a very solid and delicious four cupcakes. The few complaints we have are small quibbles, and probably wouldn’t bother the actual target audience at all. This is a DVD that’s 100% about the episodes it contains and, well, Jess and I and basically can’t say enough good things about this show. The inevitable Volume Two is already on my to-buy list.

So, what do you think?

2011-03-17T21:13:00.001-04:00

Is it for a role, or was Zef just feeling douchier than usual that day?

Didja hear me say that?

2011-03-15T20:21:00.002-04:00

Okay, internet, here is a secret I have been keeping for awhile: I like Miranda Cosgrove much better as a singer than an actress. I mean, she's not… she's not a terrible actress or anything, but as Jess pointed out a few years ago, she's awkward as heck. It doesn't help that her main platform is iCarly, on which she plays the blandest character of the bunch. But her songs are enjoyable! They are very bubblegum, which is a thing I enjoy, and her voice is quite nice -- on the one hand, I don't think it's anything stand out or unusual (she lacks any of the qualities that make Miley distinct) but on the other hand, she avoids both the "yelling as singing" problem (Demi, Victoria Justice) and also the "replaced by robots because she can't actually sing at all" problem (Selena Gomez). She's pretty lovely to listen to, and while I wish her songs had a bit more to make them unique, I also keep her album on my iPod for when I'm in the mood for girly pop. Which is often.*

So basically, what I'm saying is, I enjoy Miranda as a singer much more than I ever expected to when I heard that the awkward girl from iCarly was getting a record deal. And thus I was eager to check out her latest offering, "Dancing Crazy," when it premiered.

That… that was a bit of a mistake, alas.

Well, okay, actually, first let me say this: I don't hate it as much upon re-listening as I did initially, because the first time I hit the shouty section of the chorus I wasn't prepared for it, and was so very embarrassed for her I was physically compelled to mute it and click away quickly. The thing is, though, that shouty bit is so very horrible it drags the otherwise-catchy song down with it.

It feels very much like whatever army of suit-wearing songwriters put this together realized that she's got the innocent tween thing happening, and because she's not yet breaking out of it by Being Sexy (which is the only way women break out of that, apparently) they tried to find another way to make her seem edgy. So they imported a chorus from, oh, I don't know, an unused Ke$ha song or something, only to realize that Miranda Cosgrove really, really can't pull that off. They kept the concept, watered it down, and ended up with a combination of some of the most inane lyrics I've ever heard ("I like you and you like me / we get together and we're happy") and some that's just outright terrible ("Didja hear me say that? / Didja didja hear me say that? / SMACK" Which doesn't even rhyme).

As for the video, I will say, it isn't dreadful. Miranda is very pretty, and her awkwardness works to her advantage in the few clips of her doing the robot and other such silliness. But aside from that, there's very little actual Dancing Crazy. There are, in fact, a few featured dancers, who are pretty great and do not seem even a little bit out of control or otherwise "crazy", and then a crowd of teens kind of bopping in place. Sometimes they do, in fact, put their hands up, if Miranda implores them to do so. But at least I find the dorky guy totally adorable, which helps.

That said, I worry about the example this video sets. Not because I think kids should never sneak out to go dancing, no! But because it seems to suggest the best way to sneak in and out is the tried and true method of… using your front door at a time in which it's totally reasonable for your parents to be awake and about (11 at night, 7 in the morning). Miranda, how will children learn about crawling out of windows and scrambling down convenient trees and/or trellises and all associated hijinks, if not from you? For shame, Miranda. You have let an entire generation down.

*Also, as it turns out, "Kissin U" is a great karaoke jam.

It's funny because it's true.

2011-03-07T20:33:00.004-05:00

I'm so far over Miley Cyrus that I never bothered watching the finale of Hannah Montana. I can't be bothered with the feud she's having with her dad. I didn't even flip past when she hosted SNL. Buuuuuut I ran into reference to this sketch and thought I should share. Apparently someone on the SNL writing staff actually does watch some Disney Channel, 'cause yup. Nailed.

So how happy do we think Miley is that she's not Hannah anymore?

The Long-Lost Sprouse Triplet!

2011-01-14T20:20:00.006-05:00

I only heard of it recently, but I won't lie: I'm really looking forward to Disney's Lemonade Mouth, which I guess is basically The Breakfast Club meets Bandslam (but hopefully less hateful in the end). You should know by now that I'm all for groups of teen outcasts coming together to rock out and be friends! Hooray!

Anyway, I just ran across a post about the DCOM's leading lady, Hayley Kiyoko (right), who I know nothing about, but it sounds like she's pretty awesome. She's definitely completely adorable. Except I have to wonder, did they try really hard to make her look like the long-lost Sprouse sister? 'Cause she doesn't in 99% of Google images, and yet.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Uncanny!

OTWOBBW: Big Time Rush

2010-11-28T15:37:00.006-05:00

Let's just start off with the big disclaimer: we love the TV show Big Time Rush. It is completely delightful, and well crafted -- and it's hard to separate Big Time Rush the TV show from Big Time Rush the boy band. But since they now have two real videos and their debut album (the creatively-named effort "BTR") debuted at #3 on the Billboard Top 200, they're also the biggest thing going in boy band-dom at the moment. So it's time to resurrect the OTWOBBW and do our best to objectively tackle the actual band in question.

Image: It's really, really hard to do this objectively, but flipping through the various promotional materials out there about the band, the image they're going for appears to be "fun-loving guys who are the best of friends and also cute." Since your humble bloggers originally fell in love with the Backstreet Boys and ‘Nsync because they projected fun-loving-ness, friendship, and cuteness, this is clearly a good angle to work. (And is the central theme of the TV show. Synergy!) They're always smiling and looking playful without looking dumb, and it certainly doesn't hurt that every single member of the band is easy on the eyes. Not even ‘Nsync had that going for them. 5 out of 5.

Archetypes: As in the show, when it comes to the actual band, James Maslow is very much The Heartthrob. He's non-threateningly attractive, and the camera just looooooves to linger on shots of his long eyelashes and rouged-up cheeks. I'd estimate he gets the most camera time in the videos. Coming in second, screen-time wise, is Kendall Schmidt, who presents a bit of a problem: the show gives the Kendall character to us as The Leader, but while that's fine for a Scooby gang, it's not actually a boy band archetype. Kendall's too old to be a Little Blond One and too boring to be the Bad Boy. After much thought and perusal of J14 images, though, we solved it. Kendall is The One Who Wears Hats, an occasional variant on The Other One archetype.

Like James, Logan Henderson gets to keep basically the same archetype in the real world and the fictional world; while he's The Smart One on the show, he's The Responsible One in real life. It's really just a matter of semantics. And Carlos Pena, Jr. is...well, his archetype isn't really clear on the show or in real life, but let's say he's some sort of hybrid of The Funny One and The Baby Brother and call it a day. (He's also our favorite, but more on that later.) 4 out of 5.

Music Video: Their two videos at this point are "The City Is Ours" and "Til I Forget About You." And they are actually both pretty good! In "City," you've got the boys driving around, then throwing a flash party on the roof of some random building, with lots of energetic teens dancing around them while they sing. In "Forget," you've got the boys performing at a stodgy country club, until they use a magic camera to create anarchic hijinks, and the video is complete with an intro scene of Kendall being dumped before the show. Both videos do good jobs of showcasing them as fun and attractive while fairly gracefully masking the fact that they aren't very good dancers. 3 out of 5.

Personality: In interviews, the boys make a big deal out of saying how much their characters and relationships on the show are pretty much based on the guys' actual personalities and the friendships they've developed since getting cast. Since we find all four boys delightful on the show, we assume they are delightful in real life, and all the behind-the-scenes footage we've seen has reflected that. 5 out of 5.

Oh Yeah, The Music: While the album is actually quite democratic when it comes to doling out solos (and also, we can't stop listening to it), the show itself is set on promoting James and Kendall first and foremost. And this is a problem for a bunch of reasons, but let's start with James.

We are certain somewhere in our heart of hearts that James Maslow has a lovely singing voice. It's just unfortunate that he doesn't actually use it. It's very clear that Maslow is trying his hardest to Sing Like A Popstar, which, unfortunately, he seems to think means Singing Like a Jonas Brother. If he would unclench at least some of the muscles in his body, stop singing through his nose, stop exaggerating all of his vowel sounds, and just sing, he would be a delight. But since he apparently won't do those things, he renders himself unlistenable.

Kendall, meanwhile, sings exactly like that guy in your high school who is super charming and a good actor, so he gets the lead in the school musical because he can carry a tune and won't actively hurt himself while dancing. Which is to say, he sings okay. This doesn't mean that he should necessarily have a career in singing, but he's not embarrassing himself, and with proper training he could reach Zac Efron levels of mediocrity (and hey, a non-singer acquitting himself well as a romantic lead in three musicals is a worthy goal to shoot for).* And Logan, with his pleasant but weak voice and tendency to go flat, sings like that guy in your high school who gets the secondary lead: the Kenickie to Kendall's Danny Zuko, the Riff to his Tony. (He's also often autotuned into oblivion. They all get the autotune treatment, but sometimes we think they just send Logan home and bring out his robot clone, Logandroid.)

But then there's Carlos. Oh, Carlos. (Please insert a million hearts here.) You guys, Carlos can actually sing! Like, really, really well! More than that, he can put across a song. When Carlos sings lead, our hearts go pitter-pat. Why oh why won't they change the band to "Carlos and the Rush?"

2.5 out of 5 (one for Carlos, one for whoever writes the mediocre but insanely catchy songs, and a half for Kendall, who really isn't that bad)

Bonus Hilarious Lyrics: "If you tell me where I'm waiting here/ Every day like Slumdog Millionaire/ Bigger than the Twilight love affair/ I'll be here/ Girl I swear"

Total: 19.5 out of 25. The highest score yet! Way to go, BTR.

* "Three musicals" meaning Hairspray and High School Musical 2 and 3, since Becky's dream man Drew Seeley does Troy's singing in the first HSM.

Images from BigTimeRushTV.com.

Hey, she's old enough to get this reference!

2010-10-25T20:20:00.006-04:00

I know they're doing updated re-releases of The Baby-Sitters Club and all...

...so I assume from this picture that Tiffany Thornton is hoping they'll do a spin-off about the girls in their late 20s and she's really, really hoping for a role as Stacey McGill.

Actually, I think she looks quite pretty and I want her jacket, but that's not really the point, is it? Source.

In fairness, it really was so random.

2010-10-23T13:32:00.004-04:00

So a few days ago, I watched the Sonny With a Chance Halloween special. Which, for some reason, was just an extended episode of "So Random" which... I don't know why that was. Anyway, I wasn't paying a lot of attention because there wasn't much Chad Dylan Cooper in the episode, but I looked up when I saw what appeared to be a music video of Brandon Smith at the end.

My first reaction was glee! Because I've become really fond of him. He does a fine job on SWAC and was the only non-terrible thing about Starstruck, and I would love for Disney to decide to break him out as one of their more highly-promoted stars. Though as it turned out, that wasn't happening at all, alas.

When I actually watched the video and had two more thoughts:

1) I grudgingly acknowledge that autotune is here to stay, at least for awhile, and will be used to fix, or at least drown out, weak voices. (I don't like it, but for some reason, no one asked my opinion.) But usually at least you can tell a human sang the lyrics at some point. Here, I'm not so sure. There is no voice behind that robot at all.

2) SWAC writers, I know Lonely Island is great and all, but there's no way to do a tween-friendly version of Dick in a Box. Possibly it would have been less embarrassing over all if you hadn't tried.

Give me an H! For "homoerotic"!

2010-09-17T23:28:00.005-04:00

Although late to the party, we have finally watched Hellcats, Tizz's new show on the CW (which I have been anticipating with a somewhat embarrassing eagerness), and oh my God, you guys, it is gayer than High School Musical.

Like, okay, it's a CW show and exactly as mediocre and overwrought as that implies, but Tizz and Aly Michalka (of Aly and AJ...I'm sorry, 78violet fame) spent every second they were onscreen together looking like they were about to start making out furiously. Or tenderly. Or flexibly. (No, wait, only the stunt doubles are that flexible.)

See?

The plot so far goes like this: Aly thinks cheerleading is stupid until Tizz almost slaps her and Tizz is impressed by Aly's fast hands; then they move in together and Aly declares that she's a bottom. Then Tizz gives Aly a neck rub!

Everything I just said is true.

There are other things that happened on the show - douchey friend, alcoholic mom, super-Christian family - but frankly, the LesYay is why we're going to keep watching the show. Hooray for LesYay!

I've decided to call it "lumberjack chic"

2010-09-13T20:23:00.003-04:00

Yes, I KNOW this is the third post in a row that's a stupid picture of Zac Efron, but it's not my fault! Because do you know what his new look did not need?

Plaid.

Source.

I swear we've covered this before.

2010-09-11T21:59:00.002-04:00

Zac Efron appears to be having a moment of silent reflection there. Let us hope he's reflecting on all the bad, bad choices he's made with his facial hair.

Source.

I'm sorry, Zef...

2010-09-08T21:10:00.003-04:00

...but no amount of armpit hair can convince me you aren't a Ken doll magically brought to life.

Friday Flashback: 'Nsync

2010-08-27T21:08:00.002-04:00

Absolutely true story: this is the very first 'Nsync video I ever saw, and I remember watching it on VH1 and thinking that it must be some kind of boy band parody, because no one would ever have Chris's hair seriously. Oh, how wrong I was.

'Nsync: God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You (1998)

Friday Flashback: 2ge+her

2010-08-20T19:32:00.003-04:00

In honor of the Big Time Rush special tonight, another semi-fake TV boy band:

2ge+her: U + Me = Us (2000)

In case you forgot, we still hate the Jonii

2010-08-19T23:07:00.003-04:00

Becky: Joe Jonas, WHAT ARE YOU.

Jess: I. I don't even. What.

Becky: I find it less loathesome than usual because I'm just sitting here going WHAT WHAT WHAT.

Jess: Same here. The hat is what pushes it over the edge into sheer madness for me.

Becky: Agreed.

Jess: Motorcycle tennis playing nonsense! For you!

Becky: I hope he wants her to call him Captain.

Jess: I assume then that she is Tenille?

Are you tired of being told you can't meet your cute teen idols?

2010-08-15T19:29:00.005-04:00

So here's the thing: in the months since I first posted about Big Time Rush, I've come to really, really love the TV show. It's pretty much the only tween/teen show I point to and say, "No, it's actually good," as opposed to, "It's completely ludicrous but I can't stop watching it." (Though that's true, too.) I've got basically every episode of the show saved on my TiVo and have no compunctions about making people who visit my apartment watch them.

And then I found out there would be a BTR concert today. I was kind of curious, because boy bands aren't really The Big Thing right now, and I wanted to see how kids from their actual demographic respond to them. Curious enough to go, though? ... Well, yes, once I found out the concert was free. Jess couldn't make it, alas, so my poor sister agreed to go with me (though she insisted on pretending to be my mom to explain why she was there).

BTR, of course, was headlining this show, in as much as one can headline a free show hosted by the Macy's Back To School Sale. The complete rundown:

1) Victoria Justice, who didn't actually perform. She was the host, along with some guy from Macy's. Judging by her MC skills, I'm really, really glad she didn't sing. She was almost extraordinarily not good; she sounded like she was reading off a cue card, badly, and kept mumbling barely audibly, and failed to be charming or entertaining or even energetic. On the other hand, the guy from Macy's was worse -- he introduced her as Victoria Jones -- but not worse enough to make her look decent by comparison. Look, Victoria, I'm trying not to hate you just because I hate your show, but you're making it hard.

2) The first act was Internet Sensation Josh Golden. I had heard of him from a couple of tween blogs, which were pushing him as "OMG the next Justin Bieber!!!1!" because he was also discovered through YouTube. Now, I don't personally love the Bieb, but I can assure you, Josh Golden is no Justin Bieber. The best thing about his performance was that he only played three songs. The worst thing was that he played at all.

3) Next up was Cherice As Seen on Oprah and Ellen. From our vantage point half a block away and behind a bush, she appeared to be 10 years old, and so I was incredibly impressed by her performance. As it turns out, she's 18, not 10, so it was slightly less impressive, but I have to give it to her: the girl has a voice. I didn't particularly love her music, but I'm always excited when I discover a singer who can actually sing.

4) Which leads us to Big Time Rush. Now, I'm just old enough to remember the 90s creed that if anyone had ever heard of you, you weren't cool anymore; and the idea of being pre-packaged by The Man in any way was the kiss of death. And as I said, boybands haven't really hit this generation yet, so I wanted to see how people were actually responding to BTR as a band.

The answer is "adorably." There were maybe 500 people there, mostly tween girls and their parents. There were dozens of home made t-shirts and a couple of full on costumes from the show. Lots of overheard, "But MOM, I KNOW the show is free but we have to buy stuff at Macy's to get the pass to meet them! I NEED to meet them, Mom! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!! IF I DON'T GET TO MEET JAMES I'LL DIE!!!" Unwilling to fight 12 year olds for a good view of the band (what with being grown ups and all) we weren't nearly close enough to see the crying and swooning girls, but since we'd gotten there an hour early and the front section was already full of devotees, I'm pretty sure they were there.

In short, the crowd loved the band, and the band, to their credit, wasn't dreadful. They were lipsynching -- so far, nothing from their show has convinced me they can hit 4-part harmony live -- but they had more presence than I expected. They only did three songs, which Rachel rather cynically suggests was because that's all they've got choreographed. Since the choreography was directly from the TV show I suspect she's right. Their choreography wasn't terribly complex, but it was athletic and high-energy, and...

Look. There were four cute, non-threatening, clean-cut teenage boys*. They were (sorta) singing and dancing in unison. There were screaming girls and harried-but-patient parents. Their songs are up-beat and earwormy as hell, and that's all I could have asked. I don't think I'd have paid to see them (especially not because it was only three songs), but as it stood? Totally worth the hour spent standing outside Macy's.

Though it would have been a better hour without Victoria Justice and Internet Sensation Josh Goldsen. They were really bad, you guys.

*Actually, they're all 20, but close enough.

Photo from Tall Blonde and Eyebrows.

Step Up 3Disappointment.

2010-08-08T18:26:00.004-04:00

1. I love Alyson Stoner.

2. I love old tyme-y musicals.

3. Alyson Stoner has a Fred-and-Ginger-inspired duet - two and a half minutes of dancing with no cuts - in Step Up 3D.

Clearly, I had to see this film. Especially when I learned that it contained parkour dancing, not to mention some familiar faces from So You Think You Can Dance, from back when I cared.

And, well. It was pretty dreadful.

(Warning: This is long, and highly opinionated.)

The plot kicks off with Moose (Adam G. Sevani) and Camille (Alyson) at their freshman orientation at NYU. Apparently they are lifelong best friends, even though they didn't even appear in the same previous Step Up movies (she was in #1, he was in #2). She is also obviously in love with him.

When Moose accidentally gets into a dance battle with a member of the Samurai dance crew, he is witnessed by Luke (Rick Malambri), who helps him flee the Samurais and cops. Abandoning Alyson, he gets into Luke's car and lets Luke drive him to Brooklyn (after taking an enormous detour uptown to Times Square, for some reason) and take him to his warehouse in an abandoned district. There, Luke kills Moose and takes his wallet and any organs he can sell on the black market.

No, that's just what would happen in real life. In Step Up 3D-land, the warehouse is full of dancers! In a super-cool funky crib! They have a giant wall made of boomboxes! And another wall full of expensive sneakers! But they have NO MONEY. Uh-oh! Luke (who owns three computers and an expensive camera) explains to Moose that he needs him to help their crew, the Pirates, win the upcoming World Jam. He also recruits the sexy but mysterious Natalie (Sharni Vinson). They must defeat Samurai House, or the bank will foreclose on their mortgage and they'll be out on the streets! Also, it's a matter of pride, since Luke has a rivalry with Julien (Joe Slaughter), head of Samurai House.

Luke and Natalie train together, and also fall in love, as you might imagine. Meanwhile, Moose consistently ditches both school (but this is apparently not an issue, because he's never penalized for it) and Alyson in order to dance. But it turns out that Natalie is Julien's sister, and he planted her as a mole! And the bank forecloses! And they're homeless! Oh noes!

Luckily, Moose comes to the rescue, since he apparently knows the people who run the arcade at Coney Island? The Pirates live and practice there, and Moose brings in some of his old high school crew to replace a few members who've deserted for Samurai House. World Jam arrives, and a guilty Natalie springs onto the stage at the last minute to help them win. Then she reveals that she sent in an application to some film school on behalf of amateur documentarist Luke, and they go off to California together. On the train. Um. These characters aren't smart.

Okay. First off, there is not a single good actor in the entire movie. Alyson is one of the better ones, and she's at best mediocre. Luke and Julien are so bad that whenever they delivered Important Dialogue, I cracked up. Moose was slightly better, but so mealymouthed I could barely understand half his lines. It didn't help that they were working with a stupid and incoherent script, in which no one ever spoke or acted like real people, ever.

But more importantly, everyone was terrible. The entire Pirate House seemed to feel like they were entitled to live in their enormous warehouse/club with awesome expensive decor and hundreds of pairs of sneakers without ever working. Once they lose the warehouse, we get about three minutes of Luke being an incompetent, reluctant waiter, who eventually flips out on a customer who just wants his damn coffee. Moose, meanwhile, acknowledges the sacrifices that his parents made to get him into NYU, but is completely unwilling to make any of his own - and Luke appears to be actively attempting to get Moose to fail out of school so that he'll be available full-time to dance. I don't care if dancing is your passion, boys, YOU STILL HAVE TO WORK. I'd love to kick back in my awesome warehouse and sit around and write for funsies, but I also don't expect a bank to bend over backwards holding my amazing property open for me on the off-chance that I might win the money to pay five months backrent. There's even the implication that Luke's parents owned the property outright, which means Luke took out a second mortgage so that he could host a bunch of transient dancing bums and their stupid expensive hobbies. No, sorry, my sympathy is actually with the guy who's going to pay money for the property, even if he is doing it with his trust fund. This artiste-who-refuses-to-work attitude may have flown in the 90s, but this isn't RENT. Get a damn job.

On top of that, all of Moose's dances seem to involve wanton property destruction and theft. In his original battle he knocks a street seller's merchandise onto the ground so that he can dance on the guy's table, then breaks a balloon seller's helium tank and releases hundreds of his balloons (which is why he has to run from the cops). In the second qualifying round for the World Jam, he somehow manages to break the pipes under the stage (???), which leads to a cool "dancing in water" effect, but seriously, that's thousands of dollars of repair money, you dick. In his duet with Alyson, he steals some guy's hat. YOU ARE NOT CHARMING. YOU ARE AN OBNOXIOUS MENACE. STOP IT.

Oh, and did I mention that all four leads and the villain are white? Luke in particular seems fresh out of an Abercrombie ad. Yeah, I figured hip-hop and breaking was for white people to angst their way through against a background of cryptically wise (or ferociously violent) black people, helpful (or sinister) Asians, and comical, girl-crazy Latinos.

I will say that all of the dancing was superb (though the parkour was seriously lacking), and, as you might imagine, absolutely the reason to see this movie. That said, the cinematography around it was dreadful. This isn't a music video, this is a movie that is supposed to be a) featuring dancers, and b) telling a story through dance. I'm not saying you can move the camera or make cuts, but the camera should be an equal partner in the dance. Take the title song from Singin' in the Rain:

This is not a solo. It's a duet between dancer and camera, done so unobtrusively and naturally that you don't even notice the camera. Watch at 3:23 as the music crescendos and Gene leaps into the street and spins huge circles; the camera pulls back as he goes to show you how big his emotion is, how the joyousness of the dance is pouring out of him and taking over the street. Step Up 3D has no understanding of the relationship between camera and dancer. Cuts seem to be made because, eh, we haven't had a cut in a while, why not here? And the camera placement is mindbogglingly dumb. If you're showing breaking, shouldn't you show the floor? A pair of legs flailing in the air isn't really that impressive if we can't see the upper body holding them up. At another point the dancers carry Alyson forward on their shoulders, and her head is cut off by the top of the screen. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Brilliant things could have been done with this frenetic, powerful dancing and the use of 3D, and you're cutting off people's heads. Jesus.

(Um. I have strong feelings about musicals. You might recall my screed against High School Musical, back when we started this blog. But I'm right, dammit!)

The only time the camera works with the dancers instead of against them is in the duet between Moose and Alyson, which is a modern, hip-hoppish remix of "I Won't Dance" (I can't find him singing it on YouTube, but here, have him and Ginger dancing to a reprise in my favorite of their movies). There are no cuts, as I mentioned before, and so the camera is allowed to just follow them up and down a New York street, sweeping around them as they move, celebrating the spontaneous joy of the dance.

And the dance itself! Partnered musical-theater-inspired hip-hop! I wanted to grab the number out of the movie and show it to everyone who thinks the musical is dead, because it's a brilliant blend of old and new that springs completely naturally out of a conversation, incorporates the environment as they slide along on trash can lids and swing on gates, and moves the story along. It's a modern dance that does what old-fashioned musical dances did. And it's so good.

(I admit that this cinematography wouldn't work for a hard-hitting battle scene. But it's at least a step in the right direction, in that you can see all of both dancers the whole time. What a novelty!)

In conclusion, there's a kernel of brilliance and potential in Step Up 3D, mostly thanks to the enormous dance talent they've managed to assemble in one movie, but they've failed to nurture that brilliance into something that could transform the genre, and it gets almost completely lost under terrible acting and an idiotic script about awful people. I will impatiently await the day Alyson's number appears on YouTube, but other than that, I am going to do my best to forget everything about this movie, starting...now.

Friday Flashback

2010-08-06T21:29:00.002-04:00

Apparently today is Ginger's birthday!

Bieb Still, My Heart

2010-08-04T20:05:00.004-04:00

Justin Bieber's memoir has a title:

Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story

I guess when you're the all-time most-viewed video on YouTube, you can have as many colons in your title as you want.

Hey there, Boo Boo! Wait, what?

2010-07-28T22:54:00.005-04:00

Yes, this makes total sense to me.

Apparently, Justin Timberlake will be voicing Boo Boo in the upcoming Yogi Bear movie.

You know, some days this blog just kind of writes itself.

Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, 'cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

2010-07-28T19:38:00.004-04:00

Would these two fresh-faced Disney kids go anywhere unsavory?

You know, it's funny. A couple of the tween blogs I keep on my Google reader lit up yesterday with articles about how Zac Efron was in town to premier his new dead-sibling-meets-manic-pixie-dream-girl flick, and also went to In the Heights to see Corbin. D'awww. The blogs explained that they went out together afterwards to catch up. One even specified that they drank mojitos. Cool beans.

And yet somehow, these blogs TOTALLY FAILED to mention that in actual fact, omg you guys, Zef and Corbin WENT TO A STRIP CLUB and dropped TWO GRAND on drinks and dances. OH BOYS. It's like they knew I had nothing to post about and decided to go get lap dances JUST FOR ME.* I dunno, I think it says something about how much I love these kids that I just find this endearing. I react like I do when my cat does something particularly cute: "Awww, who's an adorable widdle heartthrob who wishes he was a grown up? It's you! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Though I think the funniest part might be the mystery insider's comment that their favorite strippers all vaguely resembled Vanessa. Um, should someone tell Zef that he can probably actually can hit that as soon as he gets back to LA? Presumably without spending 2k? I mean, he's dumb, but not THAT dumb, right? "That night, Efron walked the red carpet at the premiere of Charlie St. Cloud. Hudgens was not at his side, although she attended the LA screening last week." Right. Surely that's connected to his stripper escapades, and not because she's busy with another project on the other coast, and also has attended this movie's premier once already. SCANDAL!

But what I'm really curious about is who the mysterious "other male friend" with them was, especially since he was the one spending all the money, it seems. Having grown up on late 80s/early 90s after-school specials, I'm assuming he was the out of character Buster Bunny to their hesitant-but-easily-persuaded Plucky and Hamton. Presumably now that they've tasted the forbidden delights of likker and wimmin, they're also both alcoholics who will die in a car crash, y'know, tomorrow. I bet Hudge will look awesome in a black veil.

So remember, kids! Cartoon All-Stars say don't do drugs! But if you do find yourself drinking in a strip club, please make sure it's at least this hilarious.

* I choose not to speculate about anyone's sexuality in this particular blog post. Feel free to insert your own joke here about how there's very little other reason one or the other or both would be interested in lapdances from the ladies. I'm just sayin'. I mean, not sayin'. I mean…

Because it's been awhile...

2010-07-26T20:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Zef,

I know you're trying really hard, but you're still not James Dean. Sorry, bro.

Love,
Becky

Down on Klickitat Street.

2010-07-25T21:22:00.005-04:00

I love Beverly Cleary's Ramona books more than I can properly express, and I was both excited and worried about the new movie adaptation, mostly thanks to Selena Gomez, who I enjoy quite a lot as an actress, but who is pretty much the last person I'd cast as sensible, awkward, somewhat-dowdy Beezus. Still, I went, because according to the trailer they were going for a Beezus/Henry Huggins romance, and I have been gunning for those two to get married since I was about six.

And, well. Ramona and Beezus does not fit my mental image of the books at all, really. But it is a cute, bright, funny movie about an extremely likeable little girl, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Sure, the movie's a little overfull, since they tried to cram in plot elements from most of the eight Ramona books. And the special effects-laden fantasies of Ramona's imagination running away with her don't really work. And Henry (who is, in general, kind of blah) does not appear to have his famous dog, Ribsy, which is a travesty beyond expression.

But, on the plus side:

- Joey King is adorable as Ramona, who is spunky and creative and lovable, and holds up the theme of being true to yourself very well.

- Her relationship with her father - she was always a daddy's girl in the books - is beautifully done, and John Corbett does a great job in general at playing Ramona's stressed but loving father. Like, I want him to be my dad. So great.

- The romance between Ramona's Aunt Beatrice (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Ramona's best friend's Uncle Hobart (Josh Duhamel) is really sweet and fun. Also, I don't think I'm going to be able to reread the books without having the hots for Uncle Hobart now.

- The cat(s?) playing Picky-Picky is precious.

- It was really funny! Some parts had me laughing kind of embarrassingly loud (best line: Beezus tearfully asks "Who could love a girl named Beezus?" and Ramona timidly offers "...Jesus?").

- Selena Gomez, while not my Beezus, plays an acerbic Type A older sister very well, and is pleasingly aggressive in her romance with Henry.

- ...and all the little moments from the books that made me squeal. Susan's curls! Willa Jean being a brat! There's a moment when their dad brings home gummy bears for the girls in a paper bag, just like in the books, and I kept nudging my poor friend in sheer glee. Books! Books I love, on the screen!

In conclusion, while not my Ramona, this was a good Ramona, and I'm glad there's a fun, cheerful movie out there about girls and family and imagination, and gladder still that it'll probably get more kids reading the books, because those books are darn good.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pen my four-trillion-word Henry/Beezus fanfic. AND DAMMIT, THERE WILL BE RIBSY.

WHAT WHAT WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT

2010-07-24T22:38:00.005-04:00

I loved Drake and Josh, and have been keeping an eye on the the careers of both stars since it ended. A few days ago, when I heard that Drake would be appearing in The Fairly Oddparents movie, I was:

1. pleased to hear that he is actually going to be in a thing, since he's been kind of MIA since the show ended,
2. troubled that he's apparently still under that blood oath to Nickelodeon, and
3. confused, because he's obviously too old to play a kid and too young to play a parent, and the fairies are apparently going to be CGI. Maybe he's slated to play pop star Chip Skylark?

But no. According to Just Jared Jr., Drake will be playing 10-year-old Timmy Turner.

omg that outfit

Whaaaaaaaat.

On the one hand, this is kind of terrible. The movie (about Timmy's refusal to grow up) looks terrible, the hook of the plot (hotting up the crazy nerd in order to make Timmy want to grow up) sounds terrible, and the effect this will have on Drake's career will probably be terrible.

But on the other hand...oh my God I am so going to see this movie, because that picture is hilarious.

Next up: Russell Crowe as Jimmy Neutron.

I've got this low center of gravity. You can't knock me over.

2010-06-06T23:18:00.002-04:00

Created by Oatmeal

Yeah, that's right. WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME?

(Link courtesy of Becky, who is stranded in upstate New York, fending off bears and wolverines and the Amish.)

Friday Flashback: Backstreet Boys

2010-05-21T23:25:00.002-04:00

Backstreet Boys: I Want It That Way (1999)

(This is actually not even close to my favorite video ("Quit Playin' Games (With My Heart)") or their most iconic ("Everybody (Backstreet's Back)"), but these geniuses have disabled embedding on, like, everything on YouTube. Boys, I know you're old and stuff, but that's not how you make viral media work for you.)

Open Letter VIII

2010-04-27T22:29:00.001-04:00

Dear Zac Efron,

Your mustache is unacceptable.

Love,
Becky

Leave it to Bieber

2010-04-26T16:49:00.003-04:00

(Okay, that post title has almost nothing to do with what I'm about to say, but I've been wanting to use it for a while and I'm tired of saving it.)

I was on the subway the other day and some guys were doing a sort of dance/comedy act to various recent hits. At one point this supremely catchy song came on. "I kind of like this," I thought to myself, grooving along to the music. "Who is this girl singing?"

Then I realized it was Justin Bieber. Whoops!

The song was his smash hit "Baby," which I then went home and listened to all the way through. And, you know, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I mean, the lyrics alternate between moronic ("And I was like 'Baby, baby, baby, oh'/ Like 'Baby, baby, baby, no'/ Like 'Baby, baby, baby, oh'") and creepily, age-inappropriately commitment-focused ("And we would never ever ever be apart...I'd buy you anything/I'd buy you any ring"), but the song itself is super catchy. I'm not going to lie: I've listened to it about a billion times in the past few days.

But if you're afraid that I've succumbed to Bieber Fever, don't be, because I watched the music video, and it is vile beyond imagining.

[Trigger warning for sexual aggressiveness and stalking.]

The basic plot of the video consists of Bieber chasing his ex-girlfriend around a bowling alley. And I do mean chasing, or at least physically pursuing, and doing the following charming things:

- He grabs her jacket and pulls her towards him, and she pushes his hand away angrily.

- He leans in, cups her face, and tries to kiss her, and she pushes him away (we can't see her face) and walks off.

- He bumps into her, stands directly in front of her so she that she has to stop, and places his hand over her chest, almost but not quite touching her breasts, and she pushes him away angrily.

- He dances over to her as she sits on a stool and sits on the next one as she sidles away, then leans into her until she stands and walks away, with an epic hair toss.

- As she walks down some sort of ramp he keeps pace with her on the railing, at one point reaching down to grab her shoulder briefly and then letting go as she looks up at him; then she walks away.

- He chases her around and over a pool table and presses his forehead to hers. She's clearly weakening, because she gives a little exasperated smile to the camera as she (you guessed it) walks away.

Then they have a danceoff, which I guess wins her over? He slowly progresses closer and closer to her over the course of it, and finally places a hand on the small of her back and pulls her hips flush against his own. They sway with their foreheads touching, then Ludacris gives him a "Way to go, dude" high-five/handshake, and Bieber and the girl walk out of the bowling alley hand in hand.

Groooooooooss.

I watched the rest of Bieber's music videos today, and two of the others also involve him being a creepy, creepy stalker who follows a teenage girl of color around a colorful set until she falls for him, but this one grossed me out the most. SHE IS PUSHING YOU AWAY, DUDE. PHYSICALLY, WITH HER HANDS. And yet he still persists! So here are the messages I've gotten from this video:

1. It's totally okay to stalk your ex-girlfriend.

2. It's also totally okay to keep bothering a girl who wants you to leave her alone. You can wear her down!

3. You can touch her if you want. Her body is not inviolate.

4. If a girl acts like she doesn't like you, she probably thinks you're cute and charming and wants you to keep harassing her.

5. Ludacris will like you if you do these things.

I don't blame Bieber himself for this video, or for the other ones where he's Creepy McCreepenstein. He's like, what, four and a half? He doesn't direct these things. And I will give him credit: when he's not Autotuned to within an inch of his life, he has an impressive voice, and I was pleasantly surprised by his dancing ability. He's a talented kid!

But good lord, do his videos give me the skeeve. Usher or whoever else is guiding this kid's music video career, could you please dial down the creepy like, 20 notches? Because right now they just make me want to boil my eyes in order to clean them. And I'm horrified that the 8-year-olds who love him may be basing their romantic fantasies on the horrendous little dramas Bieber is playing out for us.

Victorious! No, Wait, the Other Thing. Failure.

2010-04-15T23:25:00.007-04:00

Since I've become a little obsessed with Big Time Rush in the last few days -- by which I mean there are nine episodes on the TiVo and I snarled at Rachel when she asked if she could delete them -- I've been watching a lot of Nickelodeon. And thus I've been inundated with promos for Victorious so I figured what the heck, and TiVoed the pilot and second episode.

And then deleted them immediately, swearing to never watch the show again. Seriously. It was THAT BAD, and also THAT INFURATING.

Let me get the worst out of the way first: the second episode contained flat-out sexual assault played for laughs. I started to describe it to Jess (smoke pouring out of my ears from rage) and she already knew; she pointed me towards this angry rant by her friend (and Tweenage commenter!) BeyondHeroism. It encapsulates my feelings on that subplot nicely. And that's the reason I won't be watching the show again, because that shit isn't funny.

Beyond that -- if you can get beyond that -- the show was just bad.

Basically, the set up goes like this: Tori (Victoria Justice, of course) is a normal, average, typical girl whose sister happens to go to a performing arts school in Hollywood and is preparing for a big showcase with Andre, a piano player and composer. But the night of the big show, Tori's sister has an allergic reaction and can't sing, so Tori has to go on instead! She wows the crowd and is immediately enrolled in the school, but isn't sure she's good enough! Everyone says she is, so she gives it a chance, but on the first day she accidentally spills coffee on Douchebag Whose Name I Can't Remember But I Think I'm Supposed to Like ("Douchey Guy" for short), and as she's trying to help him clean up, his girlfriend Jade walks up and goes all Mean Girl on Tori for touching her boyfriend. She and Tori catfight for the rest of the episode until Tori out-sasses her and wins, the end.

Except it sucked way harder than that can possibly convey.

First, to give credit where it's due, Victoria herself is actually a pretty good singer. She could stand to take it down a few notches, but her voice is strong enough and despite the fact that she's popstarring it up to 11, she manages to avoid the Demi Lovato School of Tuneful Shouting. As an actress, she's passable. She managed to hit some punchlines, seriously blew others, but wasn't offensively bad. She was blandly likeable, but, well, that was the show's fault. More on that in a bit.

So the problems with the pilot: first off, her sister. Her sister is the one at the arts school who wants to be a star, right? But she's bad at singing. That's not my judgment, it's a gag (Trina: "How was that?" Tori: "Loud.") so it's unclear to me why she would be at this school, and why apparently no one ever thought to ask Tori if she also likes singing or whatever when she's presented in the show as being so much better. So it doesn't make a lot of sense that no one had ever actually asked Tori if she liked singing before, but whatever; there's a rant in there about female protagonists who aren't striving for anything, but that's not entirely about this show. Which is bad enough that I don't need tangential rants.

Aside from that, the instant feud between Tori and Jade really irritated me, because literally their only interaction before hating each other had to do with Douchey Guy. Look, I'll be honest, I'm never going to love mean girl characters and bullying; just not my thing. But this one annoyed me specifically because it wasn't, like, "Jade is jealous of Tori's mad skills," or even, "Jade is pissed because Tori spilled coffee on her." Nope: their entire feud revolved around the guy, who, by way of occasionally speaking to Tori, seems to be turning it into a really stupid love triangle. Now, I'm not fond of those either, but this one actually gives me a double-whammy of Do Not Want:

1) Douchey Guy has no character and doesn't do anything; I think we're supposed to want him to get together with Tori because he's just sort of there and is the only viable candidate, which he is because

2) The only other guys on the show are the nerdy sidekick with the puppet -- who I loathe because "puppet sexually harasses people" is not funny, it is creepy and gross -- and Andre. Andre! Who is talented, and actually shown interacting with Tori, and encouraging her, and being friendly and nice! (You know, when not sexually assaulting people and being an asshole, as he does in the second episode…) These are the sorts of things you should found a relationship on! But I don't think it's going to happen, and maybe I'm overly cynical about this, but I'm betting he stays supportive friendly guy and not flirty boyfriend material, because -- sigh -- he's black, and interracial relationships are still pretty rare on TV generally, and teen/tween fare in particular, and more so on Nick than on Disney.

Like I said, maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe the show will surprise me! This is an area where I'd be thrilled to be wrong. But at the moment, despite showing an actual friendship between Tori and Andre, and even though they haven't worked to make this guy likeable, to show any reason why he and Tori would like each other, or actually given him any sort of personality at all, the narrative is shaping up in a Tori-and-Douchey-Guy-UST way.

[Note: actually, looking at cast pictures to go with this post, Douchey Guy appears to be more ethnically ambiguous than I remember from watching the show. So that does alleviate the "why no interracial relationships, show?" fear a little bit, though not totally, since black/white relationships are much more rare than white/hispanic or white/ethnically ambiguous relationships in tween/teen fare. But once again, a discussion for another day.]

So even though Jade is a fine, generic mean girl, I'm annoyed by her; I want to like Andre but he was detestable in the second episode; I hate Puppet Guy; I have zero interest in Douchey Guy. Tori's sister basically vanished. That leaves the teacher (generically wacky) and another female character, Cat, who the show jokes is bipolar. Because someone says something mean so she bursts into tears, but then someone gives her candy and she squeals! Yup, that's bipolar all right. Mental illnesses totally work like that, and also, are hilarious.

Then you've just got Tori herself. (I said I'd get around to her eventually, right? How long is this rant now?) She's best described by looking at the second episode. There's a subplot about how all students at her new school paint their lockers to represent themselves. Like, the piano guy has a keyboard on his, Douchey Guy says he has no secrets so his is somehow translucent, etc. Tori is made intensely uncomfortable by this, and her initial solution is to put up a white board on her locker, so other people can draw whatever they want on this area that reflects her. She has so little character that she's actually defined by other people. Jess once described the main problem with iCarly like this:

I like iCarly a lot, but one of the major weaknesses of the show is the character of Carly -- or, more precisely, the lack thereof. She's smart, but not a nerd! She's cool, but not too cool! She's not particularly temperamental or particularly laidback or particularly interested in things or particularly anything. She's not zany like Spencer or aggressive like Sam or nerdy like Freddie. All she ever gets to do on the show is react. This is not a good or strong or entertaining centerpiece for a television show!

It remains true! The shows are both Dan Schneider fare, and they both center around basically blank slate characters. The differences are that Carly herself actually makes things happen -- the iCarly show-within-a-show exists because it was Carly's idea -- and the supporting cast are pretty much all endearing. Victorious, on the other hand, centers around a blank-slate character who so far hasn't really made anything happen -- she's dragged on stage and talked into going to the school -- with a supporting cast I overwhelmingly disliked.

I know it's early going. Even good shows tend to need a handful of episodes to find their stride. But Victorious alternated between run-of-the-mill dreadfulness and actively, seriously offending me, so I won't be hanging around to see if it improves. Sorry, Nick, but this one's a failure.

WHAT

2010-04-12T18:43:00.006-04:00

"We're trying to set up a movie for me in the near future - it's going to be similar to the story of how I got discovered. Kinda like my own version of 8 Mile." - Justin Bieber

WHAT

WHAT

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, BIEBER

NOW MY BRAIN IS COMING OUT

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY

...I mean, is it about his life on the mean streets of YOUTUBE? Or...what?

WHAT

WHAT

Hey Hey, We're the Big Time Rush

2010-04-10T23:53:00.006-04:00

So I've decided I should attempt to watch more Nick shows. With the exception of the odd episode of iCarly, I really haven't paid much attention to Nick in awhile; I tend to be entranced by the cracktastic stylings of Disney, and the way they promote their stars does its job in that I get sucked in and become fond. But there's plenty going on at Nick, so I figured what the heck and decided to watch the next Nick show I stumbled across. It happened to be Big Time Rush.

YOU GUYS, why didn't anyone TELL me that Nick was running a barely-disguised updated version of The Monkees? I love boy bands, and I love wacky hijinks, so it took about four seconds for me to decide I needed a season pass on my Tivo. I mean, come on! It's boys running around with cartoon side effects, and then doing choreographed dances and wearing wacky costumes! Their theme song seems to be primarily sung by robots, but that hardly matters, because YOU GUYS, THEY HAD TO SPY ON SOMEONE SO THEY HID BEHIND A SHRUBBERY WEARING TREE HATS. THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE SHOW.

Also check out the theme song/music video, which I was going to embed, but it auto-started AND the embed code broke Blogger. Nickelodeon, that is very bad planning, boo.

The show also has most of the peripheral cast going for it; they range from unremarkable (the sweet but dumb mother) to actualfax adorable (the smarter-than-everyone-else little sister) to over-the-top but watchable (everyone else -- manager and his assistant, record exec, hotel guy, etc). There are some recurring girls in the background somewhere; I'd like to see them get larger parts to even things out gender-wise, but at least they've managed to make the boys' girl-craziness as non-skeevy as possible.

Sadly, the show is not without LOL Wacky Sexism. The subplot of the second episode I saw -- look, Nick has aired about six episodes in the last 24 hours, what do you want from me? -- featured The Gay One desperately wanting to see a sexy mathematician (totally not Danica McKellar, really) give a lecture, but it turned out to be at an all girls school. Naturally, he had to wear a dress and sneak in. I'm with them so far! But once he got inside, Not Danica explained how she was excited to be at a girls-only school because boys are so dumb and no boy has ever understood her book because they're all so bad at math! LOL. So The Gay One proclaims that yes, he is a guy who is good at math! So all the girls tackle him angrily, with cat meow sound effects. The cat sound effects would have bugged me on their own, but were actually the least irritating part here. What bothered me is that, in real life, we know how it works and it ain't like that. In real life, people still suggest there's an innate difference between men and women that makes women bad at math. Maybe the show thought reversing that would provide hilarity; idk, but actually, I found it belittling to a very real, very existent problem.

That said, if I can still watch Hannah Montana, an actually terrible show, despite its issues with racism and sexism -- wait, why do I watch that again? -- I can tolerate the problems with Big Time Rush for now, and hope that the show, still early in its run, improves in that regard. Because it was 90% charming to only 10% irritating (…okay, it was 60% charming, 30% old-school Hanna Barbera sound effects, 10% irritating), and for tween TV, that's actually a pretty good ratio.

So That's What a Justin Bieber Is

2010-04-09T09:31:00.002-04:00

Kids' Choice Awards 2010: I Didn't Actually Watch Them

2010-04-05T20:35:00.017-04:00

So the Kids' Choice Awards! They were, uh, a couple of weeks ago. Look, I've been very busy writing a story about gay pirates, okay? It's serious business.

I didn't watch the actual show because I was out of town on a business trip, but I paid very close attention to all the follow-up coverage on the tween blogs. I have no strong feelings about the winners, except surprise over Slightly Worse Sprouse walking away with Choice TV Actor, and firm agreement that iCarly and Selena deserved their wins. I'm here to talk about the most important thing: the clothes. Specifically, the clothes on the tween starlets, because boys are boring, and I don't actually care about Rihanna and Katy Perry.

(Click on the pictures to embiggen.)

Best Dressed: Selena. You guys, she looks like a goddess. I love the summery yellow and the toga-like drape of the dress, and the gladiator-esque sandals and braided belt complement the Greek look without being cheesily on-the-nose about it (and, incidentally, make her legs look about a thousand miles long). The delicate gold accessories and loose side braid are appropriately girlish and, again, help to subtly buttress the theme without being, you know, a heavy collar and an updo and a "DO YOU GET IT THIS IS A GREEK LOOK?" A++++, would KCA again.

Runner Up: Ashley Argota. In preparation for this post I did a little research on Miss Double A Battery here, and YOU GUYS, I LOVE HER. Expect a flaily post about how I want her and Jennette McCurdy to make a thousand musicals about friendship and determination, okay? Anyway, it's not quite as unusual or striking as Selena's, but it's bright and springlike and fun, and she looks great in it, and when we're best friends she's totally going to let me borrow those shoes. I'm like 97% positive this is going to happen. Okay? Okay.

Close But No Cigar: Keke Palmer. Keke P will also be getting a post about how much I love her, because - brace yourselves - I also love her. And, you know, I can see what she's going for here - kind of a funky, unusual fabric (upon close examination those appear to be beads and not candy. alas.) to break up the usual "sundress, colorful pumps, minimal jewelry" look everyone was rocking. And she herself looks lovely, of course. But I just...I want to eat her dress. And I keep wondering if it hurt to sit in it. I feel like these reactions are not optimal! Also, the pockets are awkward.

Yawn: Demi. Clingy. Black. Silvery stuff. Half a size too tight. I repeat: yawn. Demi, there will be plenty of time for this sort of thing when you're a 20something starlet and you're not allowed to wear pastels. In the meantime, you're, like, what, 11 years old? Have a little fun! Wear something with color and flutter to it!

Also, she accessorized really poorly. Is it just me or does it look like Adopted is in costume as a young Doc Brown?

Yawn, Redux: Miranda. Miranda is so, so pretty. I included the closeup solely because I can't get over how insanely pretty she is. But this is so boring. She looks like she's headed to an eighth grade prom in Anywhereville, USA, not an awards show. There's nothing wrong with the dress or the shoes or the bangles, there's just...something missing. It needed something more. (Psst! Miranda! Next time accessorize with Former TV Big Brother and Jess's TV Crush Josh Peck and all is forgiven. Dude has been scarce lately.)

Disappointing: Jennette. I get the feeling Jennette gets tired of stomping around in Sam's board shorts and hoodies and converses, because she always goes all frilly and poofy at events. Which could work (even though Sam's costuming - and all the costuming - is one of the highlights of the show, and she looks adorable in it), but this doesn't. All the baggage around her waist just kind of makes her look like a turquoise creampuff, and also way too matronly for the KCA. My kingdom for a pared-down sundress!

The best-dressed member of the iCarly cast was actually Nathan, surprisingly enough. But look at him! He looks like a little man! (Which is exactly what I said, out loud, when I saw him.) He's totally dreamy if you're eight, and not even in that "eight-year-old girls like boys who look like girls" way - dude's got some shoulders. I love the shades and the cuff; he looks like he just snuck out behind his prep school to grab a smoke, but in a wholesome kind of way. Well done, sir.

(Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about boys. Hush, you.)

Not Winning Me Over, Newbie: Victoria Justice. Her new show looks incredibly blah (I like Leon Thomas and the rival seems amusingly caustic, but Victoria needs to go to the Miley Cyrus School of Shouting Is Not Acting, post haste), and in general the way Nickelodeon is promoting her everywhere (and it does seem to be Victoria Justice the Product, not Victorious the Show, that they're making a big, borderline-creepy deal over) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The Stacey McGill-esque emphasis on sort of hard-line sexy New York nightclub fashion here doesn't help - "Ooh la la, doesn't this shirring make my dress look tight? It's off-the-shoulder! Check out my peep-toe booties!" It's boring, I can see it walking down Madison Avenue every day of my life, and those booties make me sad, Victoria. Sad inside.

Would a Smile Kill You?: Miley. Nightshirt. Leggings (I think?). Those damn peep-toe booties. Hair. A sullen expression. Jeez, Miley, I know you're money and everything these days, but come on, you're still only 17, and this is the award show aimed directly at the people who made - and are still making - you famous. Make an effort.

Just...No: Justin Bieber. What is this, Bieber? Are the green shoes supposed to be Nickelodeon slime? Have your lower legs been devoured by the dreaded Lime Green Feet-Eating Snakes That Look Like Ugly High-Tops? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CHILD? Whatever it is, you need to stop. Immediately.

All pics from Just Jared, Jr., which shouldn't surprise anyone.

From the Bad Idea Files

2010-03-30T20:45:00.004-04:00

You guys know how much I love High School Musical. And how much I love La Tizz, and how many ridiculous (and downright terrible) things I will watch for her. Heck, I'm even planning to watch her (presumably) terrible CW show about cheerleading with Aly Michalka. Okay, actually, I'm pretty psyched about that.

The point is: Tiz iss talented! She's sassy! I'd watch her in anything.

But just because I'd watch it doesn't make Sharpay's Fabulous Adventures anything other than a TERRRRRRRIBLE idea. For serious.

Who woulda thought that a boy like him...

2010-03-22T20:29:00.006-04:00

In the last few months, basically since the I Kissed a Vampire travesty premiered, I've become extremely fond of Drew Seeley. As I said at the time, he was the only part of IKAV that I actually liked. Afterwards, I watched a few (okay, all) of his YouTube videos and started reading his twitter. And I admit, I was totally charmed by his frequent posting from Starbucks, his adorable curly hair, and his overall, fairly-talented-but-normal-ish-seeming-guy-ness. A lot of that has to do with him coming across as actually pretty clued in to who and where he is in life; he's not famous, but he's talented and lucky enough to be able to do what he wants. I very much appreciate that.

So today he launched his new website. Have a shrunk-down screencap:

And it just leaves me wondering why a guy who seems otherwise pretty clue-full is apparently wearing the boy-version of a Hannah Montana wig and holding a prop guitar. Really, Drew???

A Winning Strategy

2010-03-17T00:18:00.004-04:00

Confession time: I have found Miley really annoying lately.

Oh, she's still a great singer! But the pole dancing and the Noah Cyrus controversies and the everything she says coming out vapid and spoiled and the hey hey...it's really turned me off to La Cyrus. So I was surprised today when I read something that made Miley come off as charming and likable as she used to, before she conquered the Earth: an interview with her and Nicholas Sparks, whose book is the basis of her new movie, The Last Song.

I mean, she doesn't say much of anything in the article. But Sparks comes off as so condescending, arrogant, and unbelievably, ludicrously full of himself (he compares himself to Sophocles and Hemingway, then cites his own book as his favorite "tale of youth"), that Miley, by contrast, appears to be a treasure of good humor, cute teenage-ness, and self-awareness.

Clearly, Miley's new gameplan is simple: just hang out with people who are so reprehensible they make her look really good by contrast. (Confidential to Miley: This doesn't work when that person is Paris Hilton.) Good luck, Smiley!

Obligatory Post

2010-03-07T23:18:00.004-05:00

Zac Efron's hair at the Oscars: bringing tooliness to a whole new level. Wow.

In profile:

As always, thanks to JJJ.

We need to talk.

2010-03-05T21:14:00.004-05:00

Sterling. Honey.

You are a talented kid. I really like you! I like you 17 Again. I love you in Sonny With a Chance. I enjoy when you babble about Power Rangers and actually play guitar.

But do you know what you're bad at?

Playing a pop star.

So please don't do that agai....

God damn it.

Never mind.

I'm so starstruck. Where "starstruck" means "bored."

2010-02-15T22:32:00.006-05:00

So... Starstruck.

What is there to say? Last night Jess, Rachel, and I ate some chocolates and watched the movie. I woke up this morning and could not tell you a single thing about it. Starstruck wasn't kill-it-with-fire bad, unlike some DCOMs I could name, but it wasn't charming or entertaining or, well, anything. It just sort of... was a thing that was on the screen for a while there.

Basically: Sterling Knight, who we usually love, gave an entirely phoned-in performance as pop sensation Christopher Wilde, who can't escape the paparazzi no matter where he goes. He's being considered for a movie role, but the director tells him he won't get it if he keeps getting his picture on magazine covers with his girlfriend, because, you know, the people who make movies really, really hate it when their stars get free publicity, I guess. Meanwhile, Danielle Campbell, doing her best impression of a young Vanessa Hudgens, plays Jessica Olsen: a small-town girl who, due to wacky hijinks, ends up spending a day with SK trying to duck the paparazzi.

Naturally they fall for each other, despite the facts that they have zero chemistry, Jessica is really unpleasant, and nothing that happens makes any sense. SK has to pretend he doesn't know her so he can get the movie role, then decides he'd rather be with the girl than be in the movie, she gives a nonsensical speech to the press, he shows up at the school dance, and our TiVo spontaneously killed itself from the boredom a few minutes before the end.

And now, the commentary.

--

Becky: The first unfortunate thing is that Starstruck is also a Lady Gaga song.

Rachel: The second unfortunate thing is Sterling Knight's singing.

--

Jess: Wait, so the popular sister is the frumpy one?

Becky: I don't think on purpose.

Jess: Okay, the lady paparazzo's name is Libby Lam. You need to write that down so I can use it for a kicky girl reporter later.

--

Jess: Under 21 club! That's where all the movie stars go.

Becky: Ohhhhh, Brandon Smith. Are you sad you're always someone's sidekick?

Becky: Chelsea Staub is a super low-rent Amanda Bynes.

Rachel: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

--

Jess: The thing that's wrong with this, though, is that girls who are THIS INTO A POP STAR aren't cool and popular. They're insane and everyone knows it. Those girls I knew in high school who covered their walls, ceiling, and floor with pictures of NSYNC? Not popular!

--

SK's Mom/Manager: You look like a street kid.

Rachel: He looks like a STREET KID? Because he's in a T-SHIRT?

Becky: THERE IS A GIANT POSTER OF HIS FACE IN HIS LIVING ROOM! IT'S LIKE EAST HIGH ALL OVER AGAIN!

Jess: Oh man, I hope every DCOM from now on has a giant poster of someone's face. IT WORKED IN HSM. YOU MUST HAVE ONE.

Jess: Why is the older sister so old? She's clearly in her mid 20s.

Older Sister: *babbles something about chatting and texting and blogging*

Jess: OMG! Chats and texts and blogs! Kids today!

--

Jess: Why are they back at the same club?

Becky: It's the only club in LA!

Rachel: Did the black sidekick just talk about "chillin'"?

Jess: I'm more interested in why they appear to live together.

SK to Nico from SWATC: ...You live in my house for free, eat all my food, drive my car...

Jess: SEE?!!!

Jess: Why so many Libbies in this movie? There are at least three.

Becky: Not that one girl. She's smart because she was reading a book.

--

SK performs while wearing a shirt and some pants and looking bored.

Jess: They aren't even trying to make him look like a pop star.

Rachel: What are you talking about, he's wearing sunglasses!

Jess: They never taught him that if you pull the mic away from your face while you're singing, it looks real fake.

Nico from SWaC joins him onstage, rapping.

Jess: So the paid best friend is also famous...?

Rachel: I think you mean "kept boy."

Jess: What an excellent singing performance by Sterling's pet robot.

--

Becky: Why do they keep going to this one club?

Jess: Under 21 clubs are totally cool, and you should go to Disney's coolest club, in Downtown Disney in Orlando, Florida! Tell your parents, kids!

--

Little Sister wanders around a completely deserted alley, then pukes for no reason.

Jess: Oh, she's in the deserted part of LA. ... I like her Laura Ashley dress. She's California Casual, just like Dawn Shafer.

Rachel: Why is the sidekick in highwater pants?

Jess: Why did she puke, exactly? Is she pregnant? That would be the best movie ever.

Rachel: Spoiler: she's not pregnant. But if she was, and Sterling had to marry her and pretend to be the father --

Jess: I would watch that SO HARD.

[hilarious shadow puppets and slap fighting]

--

Jess: SK and boring girl are wearing the same shade of lip gloss!

--

Jess: BWAHAHA, HIS NAME IS UP IN LIGHTS IN HIS ROOM. It would be so much better if he were playing this as Chad Dylan Cooper and not trying to be appealing.

--

Rachel: I wish the girl didn't have to be so virginal and deliver every line in that baby voice. Oh hi, I can't talk to boys if they aren't in my bible study group!

Jess: Are you gonna give me a promise ring? Otherwise I can't hold your hand!

--

Becky: This song has been going on for a really long, boring time.

Rachel: The girl agrees with you.

Jess: La la la, I have feelings and I sing high... if I sang low, I'd be threatening to 12-year-olds...

Rachel: But to be fair, he's more on key than Taylor Swift singing live.

Jess: I like his autotune. He keeps it in his pocket in case he needs it.

Rachel: Which he does.

[This song: How is it still going on??? The girl escapes to the garage, which is full of sports cars in eye-searingly bright primary colors.]

Jess: Are those Crayola cars? Or... what the Power Rangers drive?

[SK sings along with himself on the radio]

J, R, B in unison: NO NOT AGAIN.

Becky: Acting-wise, this girl is on about the same level as Hudge in the first HSM.

Jess: You mean eye-gougingly bad?

Becky: YES, EXACTLY.

--

SK and Little Sister push SK's car into Little Sister's empty garage. No, that's not a euphemism.

Jess: Why are they PUSHING the car? Why don't the parents have ANY cars?

Becky: What happened to the car they had earlier?!

Jess: Where'd he get that bucket hat, 1996??

--

Jess: Big Sister doesn't want to talk to Little Sister about why she (Big Sister) gets taken home by her celebrity crush's best friend after she (Little Sister) disappears? Okay. Also, I love how smug the older sister looks for no reason.

Rachel: I love her wide-eyed look of total crazy.

Becky: Little Sister is a mildly better actress when she's being bitchy.

Becky: Where did she run to? Why the close up of Little Sister just staring at nothing?

Jess: I like that they're wearing that matching look-what-gender-I-am hoodies.

Jess: Why does she hate her sister so much that she wouldn't even be like, "Please say hi to my sister"?

Rachel: Becky, if I ever meet Corbin Bleu, I'm not telling you.

--

SK and Little Sister run away from the beach to avoid the paparazzi.

Jess: Maybe he should buy an old, shitty car if he's sick of the paparazzi spotting him in nice ones. Also, do the paparazzi really helpfully drive around in giant, sinister black vans?

SK and Little Sister hide by pulling their shirts up over their noses.

Becky: "Where is Sterling Knight and that girl he's with? I just see a strange couple here with no bottom of their heads!"

Rachel: Are we about to have an "LA is awesome" montage? Because...LA isn't awesome.

--

Becky: They aren't trying at all with the acting.

Jess: She might be. Maybe she's just bad at it. ... Oh, her FACE. Nose scrunch of fake cuteness!

Becky: Uh, so, NO ONE in LA recognizes him, but the paparazzi stalk NO ONE ELSE? Gosh, I wonder if those photos will be a plot point later. Someone might find them! [Note from the future: Shockingly, they weren't. SK just moped over the slideshow of them he put on his laptop. Which is kind of even better.]

Jess: I hope it's her sister, who then STABS HER IN THE EYE.

--

SK and Little Sister get lost.

Rachel: It's not this hard to find the highway in LA!

Becky: Well, girls are bad navigators, and boys don't stop for directions!

Jess: I bet she wants to go buy shoes!

Becky: Are they stuck in quicksand? ... Oh my god, THEY ARE ACTUALLY STUCK IN QUICKSAND. I was joking.

The car is literally completely submerged.

Jess: Oh, it's just water. HOW DID HE DRIVE INTO THAT? THAT IS A LAKE.

Rachel: She didn't say to turn, and she's the navigator!

Jess: How is that the road?!!

SK: Dad, there's no signal, can you hear me?

Jess: Maybe if you'd put the phone by your mouth.

Little Sister: I'm going to beach where my sister is probably freaking out!!!

Jess: Not that you've cared for the past five hours!

--

[Some promo thing featuring Demi and the Jonii, um... doing fake old-school, Run DMC-style hip hop? And Nick implores us to keep it funky, and keep bouncing? And we don't hate it and find Demi adorable and the Jonii tolerable? WHAT IS HAPPENING, THE WORLD IS TOPSY TURVY. IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE HAVING A COLLECTIVE STROKE.]

--

Becky: Doesn't she have a right to be cranky? He did just drive her grandmother's car into a lake.

Jess: A very small, very deep lake.

--

Becky: ... wait, did she just say his black sidekick is his DRIVER???

Jess: WOW, is that inappropriate.

--

SK and Little Sister play in a lake. A clean one this time, not a hidden muddy car-eating one.

Becky: So since she was pissed, he dropped her in the lake...

Rachel: ...And now they're in love!

--

Jess: AUGH, his delivery.

Rachel: He's not even trying.

Jess: "Yeah this is fun, whatever, I'll say lines I guess..."

--

Jess: What's on his face?

Rachel: Eh, that's just his face.

--

Rachel: "I'm his driver! Or possibly his best friend, or possibly a rapper."

--

SK: "That was close!"

Rachel: "I almost acted!"

--

SK and Little Sister break up or something. LIKE TEN TIMES.

Jess: They've ended this scene, like, four times already.

Rachel: It's like the end of LotR. There are just going to be more hobbits on the bed. Also, if I hadn't seen SK in anything else, I'd think he was the worst actor ever.

Jess: And singer.

Rachel: I do think that, actually.

--

Becky: If he hates taking pictures, why did he just... walk up to those girls and take pictures?

--

Rachel: She's the only brunette in LA!

Rachel: Why would the paparazzi pay attention to the one crying girl? Isn't there always a crying girl around a pop star? And why does Sterling only know one chord?

Jess: And why did Big Sister just sit around at his table, in his house, and then just leave without waiting to see him or anything?

--

Rachel: Nice giant American flag, Boy Miley.

Jess: Is it man-hug time? Why is Nico from SWaC dressed for golf?

--

[Blonde girlfriend breaks up with him]

SK: ...O...kay...

Rachel: The first word he's delivered well!

[She walks out. Nico from SWaC looks triumphant.]

Jess: "She dumped you! We can finally be together!"

--

Becky: Why is NO ONE is upset by the destruction of the pink car???

--

Plot: Throws up all over the screen.

Becky: Sterling, if you were serious about being in a movie, you would NEVER try and get more exposure in the press!

Jess: How dare you look at girls?!! It's a movie about a gay guy! Go make out with your sidekick!!

Rachel: Also, she's not doing anything in the picture! He's not even in it! It's just a picture of a girl!

Jess: It's like if someone took a picture of us tonight and was like, "STERLING KNIGHT IN ORGY WITH THREE JEWS!"

Jess: Also, OH MY GOD, he is doing the RIGHT THING by telling them not to follow you around because do you really want the paparazzi STALKING YOU? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

--

Little Sister makes a tearful speech to the paparazzi about how horribly horrible they are for insinuating that SK dates girls.

Becky: Why are they there?!! What are you crying about??! WHAT IS GOING ON, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW ARE THEY TEARING HIM DOWN BY SAYING HE'S DATING A PERSON???

Rachel: Becky, he can't date a girl.

Jess: They have cooties. Also, way to totally confirm that you know him, Little Sister.

--

Becky: What... WHAT are Brandon Smith's pants?

Jess: They're leggings. Purple ones. Also, he's the only one TRYING to act.

--

Becky: Pausing to rant. Just FYI, because I'm the only one who's watched Another Cinderella Story all the way through (and fair enough), but there is TOTALLY A SCENE in that where Drew Seeley talks to his token black sidekick and then storms in to talk to his parental manager and fires her. And yeah, Drew Seeley? WAY BETTER fake pop star than Sterling Knight.

Jess: Because he's a fake pop star in real life.

--

Becky: "Come to the dance with me. I've been horrible to you and you keep ditching me and leaving me places, and also didn't help me meet the guy I'm in love with who you spent all that time with, but it's totally cool because we're sisters!"

Little Sister: "You're a good sister."
Big Sister: "Aww. Pretend you don't know me."

Us: HA.

--

Becky: Oh godddd, he's going to sing again. SK, you need to Christian Bale this shit right off your resume.

Jess: Couldn't he have just, like, held up a boombox or something?

[And then the TiVo cut the damn thing off for no reason!]

Becky: Okay. Well... let's make up an ending.

Rachel: She slaps him and is like, "Don't use my high school dance as your forum."

Jess: And he goes back to Hollywood and cries. Then he makes out with his best friend. The end.

--

So in conclusion... That was a waste of our time. When we tune in to DCOMs, we expect crazy capers and wacky hijinks, not to be bored to death. We don't watch DCOMs for quality (it's an occasional bonus), we watch to be entertained. Starstruck wasn't outright terrible, but it committed the cardinal sin of boring the crap out of us.

Not to mention that it was a little bit infuriating that SK seems to have just decided not to act throughout it. He was never going to make a great fake pop star -- he's a decent actor, but not a singer or dancer -- but he's almost always charming. Here, it seems like he didn't even try. (Seriously, dude, you are too good for this, talent-wise, but you're not famous enough to just phone it in.)

On the other hand, both of the sisters were just dreadful. SK wasn't trying; they were, we assume, but they were just bad at their jobs.

Overall, the only thing about this that was actually at all enjoyable, or good? Brandon Smith. He's consistently amusing on Sonny With a Chance, and was both entertaining and actually decent at acting in his few scenes in here. Disney, get this kid his own DCOM where he doesn't have to be someone's sidekick, please.

Friday Flashback: Judy Garland

2010-02-06T01:13:00.004-05:00

It's still Friday in some time zones (although not this one)! We're going all the way to 1937 in the Wayback Machine today, with a twofer: one teen idol singing about...well, not exactly a teen idol, but certainly the object of many teenage fantasies.

Let me tell you whippersnappers, Judy was 100% right on this one.

Zac Efron and Sterling Knight: Like Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, In a Way

2010-02-04T22:14:00.003-05:00

I've been avoiding talking about Starstruck, the Sterling DCOM, because it looks... well, pretty bad. And because it has introduced us to Disney's sad, sad attempt to create Sterling Knight: Pop Star, and that is not a good idea. He's darling, and he can sort of play guitar and sing, but he plays guitar and sings in the way the cute guy in your freshman year lit class who invites you to see him at a coffeehouse does. It's sweet and he means well, but honey, no.

Basically, in all honesty, I think Sterling can do better. (Brandon Smith, on the other hands, seems to be a perfect fit for a DCOM and I'd love to see him as the lead, rather than the sidekick, but that's neither here nor there.) But of course I am going to watch Starstruck.

And if it turns out to be unwatchable, I'll just watch this on repeat for two hours instead:

"This kid, Zac Efron... Curse you!"

We really like capslock IMing, okay?

2010-01-28T22:13:00.003-05:00

Jess: NICK CARTER IS 30 TODAY. THIS JUST IN: I AM ANCIENT

Becky: WHOA. That is...really not okay.

Jess: I AM AS OLD AS A HUNDRED JUSTIN BIEBERS.

Becky: heeheehee

Jess: Or half a Jason Earles.

Becky: I'm posting that.

I saved the image as lucastillhairwtf, even.

2010-01-21T20:28:00.005-05:00

I have no opinion on Lucas Till. I'm not even exactly sure what he's supposed to be famous for. But when I saw this picture, I knew I had to post it:

What is going on here? Is this the look the kids are going for these days? Completely horizontal, fluffed-to-be-perfectly-spherical-then-sprayed-within-an-inch-of-its-life hair? I don't even want to imagine what it feels like.

I mean, look at that thing. It looks like every hair on his head is coming from right in front of his left ear. Let me tell you, if it turns out that he's bald and this is the most epic combover in history, I will be instantly become Lu-Till here's biggest fan.

(Sorry, were you expecting a meaty post after my long absence? HA HA HA.)

Image from Just Jared Jr.

Bits and Pieces

2010-01-04T20:42:00.003-05:00

Some things that have turned up in Google Reader/been sent to me lately:

#1: Exclusive: Metro Station to revive 60s TV show The Monkees

Whut.

So... the elder Cyrus and Musso siblings want a TV show, too. But it's unclear if it's going to be a remake of the Monkees (Trace Cyrus as Mickey Dolenz? Mason Musso as Peter Tork?) or if it's going to be, basically, Hey, Hey, It's the Metro Station. The article doesn't clarify, just says, "They hope to replicate the classic Monkees series," and:

"We thought it would be cool to show everyone what we do in Metro Station. People want to see the reality of being in a band and the life you live doing that.

"Everything would be scripted because reality shows are kind of done."

So, Mason, not the smartest Musso, huh?

And… check me if I'm wrong, here, but a scripted wacky show about a modern band? Um… Yeah, I don't watch the show for the obvious reason, but isn't Disney currently doing that, and isn't it called Jonas? And, for that matter, Hannah Montana? I get that these dudes are hoping to buy some fame from their younger siblings, but yeesh. Leave the Monkees out of it, guys. They did nothing to deserve this.

#2: Speaking of TV, someone we like! Ashley Tisdale Syncs Producer Deal with RelativityReal

Tizz has her own company, Blondie Productions, which is talking with RelativityReal about, one assumes, a reality TV show. Now, on the one hand, I have to assume Blondie Productions was behind the godawful mess that was Picture This. On the other hand, if it's a low-budget reality TV show about Tizz and her very tall boyfriend? I will TiVo the heck out of it.

Bonus Tizz news! She has ditched the extensions and finally is back to her real, actual (albeit obviously dyed) hair. And it is totes adorable. See?

#3: Obligatory Zac Efron News

Because Zac Efron gets photographed a lot, I know he's now see the movie Avatar twice. Both times with Vanessa, the first time with V and her little sister, Stella. I'd like to think that happened like this:

V: But Zac, I promised Stella I'd spend time with her and I don't want to miss seeing you, too…
Zef: Cool. As long as I can wear a wool cap.

Which he did.

And that, friends, is how we get Wool Cap #9. It's pretty similar to #4, except this one looks a little thicker and has vertical ribbing.

Maybe We're Being Punked?*

2009-12-23T20:30:00.002-05:00

This is a joke, right?

Disney XD orders “Pair of Kings” a live-action comedy series for kids and families about two fraternal twins who are living a typical teenage life in Chicago, but unbeknownst to them, are the successors to the throne of The Island of Kinkou. The multi-camera series will begin production in Hollywood in March 2010 and begin airing in Fall 2010 around the world.

Starring are popular actor and Walt Disney Records recording artist Mitchel Musso (“Hannah Montana,” “Phineas and Ferb”) as Brady and Doc Shaw (“The Suite Life on Deck” and “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne”) as Boomer.

…Oh dear.

So we've got a wacky buddy show (they're twins! But one is black and the other is white! Craaaazy!) about kids who relocate to a wacky island nation with wacky island ways. Absolutely no potential for inadvertent racism there, no sirree! (Note: sarcasm.)

On top of which, while I know basically nothing about Doc Shaw (I've never seen House of Payne, and the Suite Life on a Motherfucking Boat is so terrible it's essentially unwatchable), I've always been pretty fond of Sandwich Boy and his ludicrous hair. I'm glad he's got another acting project on deck, because he's always been one of the only watchable things about Hannah Montana. And while I didn't have high hopes for him, precisely, I had sort of assumed, I don't know, that he'd concentrate on his music career (that should probably be in sarcastic quotes) for awhile, and then fade away, only to burst back on the scene eight or ten years from now as a charming sidekick on an otherwise-crappy network sitcom.

Instead, it's straight to another Dinsey project, on a lesser-known network, with a premise that seems, at best, pretty dumb, but holds potentially to be so much worse.

Who knew it was even physically possible to step down from Hannah Montana?

* Maybe we'll get to meet Ashton! But probably not, because he's too busy trying to bring The Beautiful Life Colon TBL back from the dead. Uh, good luck with that, dude.

Just when I thought I couldn't love her any more...

2009-12-22T18:19:00.003-05:00

Fact: There is nothing in this world that makes me smile more than tap dancing.

Fact: My absolute favorite tweendom star is quintuple threat Jennette McCurdy, who charms me on a regular basis with her singin' dancin' writin' skatin' best-actor-on-iCarly-in' ways.

Fact: I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS EPISODE:

Jennette tap dances on "iWas a Pageant Girl" from Nickelodeon Press on Vimeo.

SET THE TIVO, BECKY.

A question for the readers...

2009-12-20T12:54:00.001-05:00

Does it count as a toolish wool cap if it's actually weather appropriate? If so, we have #9. What say you?

source.

Miscellanea

2009-12-17T23:17:00.005-05:00

I haven't posted here in forever, have I? I suck. In lieu of actual posts containing the hard-hitting making-fun-of-the-Jonas-Brothers you've come to expect from Tweenage, have some quick links 'n' stuff:

- This picture made me laugh because it's so hilariously emblematic of the HP kids. Bonnie: 16 going on 40. Man Radcliffe: Looking like the world's most formal elfin interior decorator. Emma: Rocking an age-appropriate trend that I would probably loathe on anyone else. Rupert: Looking unaware that the British do not generally make stoner comedies, so he can probably stop being all method about it; also, like a hobo. Tom: Not as cool as he thinks he is. And I don't know who that other dude is.

- Dylan and Cole Sprouse Play Video Games with the Eldery. I seriously thought that was an Onion headline at first.

- Just for Becky: Esteban returns to Suite Life! Set the TiVo!

- Okay, a little making fun of the Jonas Brothers, from the always-fabulous Kate Beaton.

- And finally, in the spirit of the holiday, have some Alyson Stoner, who is far more adorable and talented than Camp Rock would lead you to believe:

Zac Efron is a Lying Liar Who Lies

2009-11-28T13:13:00.001-05:00

Zef to Ifc.com:

"There are little things you have to forgo (as a celebrity). If you walk around in sweatpants and don't shave or shower, or look a bit sleepy, there's a high probability that there are going to be rumours out there that you're on drugs or starting some sort of spiral downhill. So I've always tried to look my best, and look clean when I go outside. I think I owe it to everybody to show up well-groomed and put in a little effort. It's the least I can do."

Emphasis mine.

Zef: We know that's a lie. Does it hurt when your pants are on fire like that?

Source.

Bwahahahaha

2009-11-24T20:54:00.003-05:00

Source.

Zac Efron Wool Cap Watch: #8

2009-11-15T16:32:00.004-05:00

FINALLY! After several months of photos where Zef looked like a giant tool -- as he does -- but without his trademark knitted cap, he brings a new one to the mix. It does resemble #7 (also black), but it appears to be ribbed entirely instead of having a ribbed brim band type thing.

Welcome, Toolish Cap #8. You are in ridiculous company.

Oh, HELL no.

2009-11-07T19:20:00.003-05:00

Unacceptable. I have no opinions on Jennifer Stone, but awkwardly forcing Harriet (a teenage Harriet) into the modern age by having her blog (Why on earth would she blog? The things she writes about are secret! THAT'S KIND OF THE WHOLE POINT.) makes me want to punch everything. NICKELODEON ALREADY TRIED TO MAKE A COOL, MODERN HARRIET THE SPY AND IT DIDN'T WORK. STOP IT.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T19:02:00.002-04:00

I recognize most of the costumes and about half of the kids in this photo, but am left with one very important question:

What exactly is David Henrie dressed up as? A douchey dudebro? I'm starting to worry we may need a "douchey pictures of David Henrie" category around here, alas.

Source.

I Kissed a Vampire and Was Kinda Underwhelmed By It

2009-10-14T23:19:00.005-04:00

From the second that I Kissed a Vampire, a rock musical webseries staring Lucas Grabeel and Drew "Emmy Nominated, No, Really" Seeley, was announced, it was clear I was going to have to watch it, right? I mean, that's just common sense. Apparently, Misters Grabeel and Seeley agreed, because they were kind enough to hold a free premier event in NY, which they both attended, where viewers were treated to all three episodes and a free t-shirt. So, naturally, I attended.

I'd be frank, but we know that's just not my style, right? To beat around the bush, it is totally worth it to purchase the series on iTunes, if your goal is to support Lucas and Drew (and Adrian Slade, I guess, though I have no emotional investment in her). And that is a noble, totally worthwhile goal! I would support you in doing so! But if you purchase I Kissed a Vampire, that should be your only goal. Because guys… It was bad.

Like, bad-bad.

I went into expecting something terrible but full of ludicrous fun. Instead, it was just terrible. I mean, there are nice things I can say about it! It was almost a half-hour total, and I wasn't bored! The cast members all have lovely singing voices! I enjoyed seeing boys in eyeliner! But… Yeah, that's about it.

There were a bunch of weaknesses. The series was amusing, but didn't go nearly far enough to be good parody. It wasn't parodying anything in particular, either, as far as I could tell; there was sort of a general sense of, "Oh, vampires are hot right now, so we'll do vampires, but kind of funny, I guess? And singing! No one has done singing vampires before!" Except that yes, they have, and so while there were a few amusing lines, the parody aspect fell flat.

To give credit where it's due, I'll acknowledge this: Drew was flat-out, show-stealing-ly hilarious. Every single line he delivered made me laugh; in fact, looking back, those are the only lines I can remember. And while the whole thing was campy, he was the one who really turned it up to 11 -- where it needed to be, frankly -- frolicking around, licking guitars, made up like (as my friend Jen put it) the bastard love child of Ryan Ross and Pete Wentz.

But, speaking of laugh lines, it turns out that Lucas Grabeel does have an Achilles heel as an actor: punchlines. I was surprised, too! You guys know how much I love him and think he is fantastically talented! But every punchline he delivered fell into a sort of awkward no-mans-land of humor; none of the ludicrousness was played up enough to keep pace with Drew "Another Cinderella Story, No, I Mean the One With Selena Gomez" Seeley, but it was consistently played with too much of a wink to the audience to be a straight man or to let the situation speak for itself. (Um. Adrian Slade was also there. The fact that there's not much to say about her is primarily the show's fault; she had one big number, and otherwise did not, in fact, do anything at all.)

As for the material the cast had to work with… Oy fucking vey.

There was no story, no plot, no nothing. Each episode was an intro monologue, a few lines of dialogue, a song, a few more lines, a song, and out. The songs didn't advance the plot or establish character, particularly, and there just wasn't enough dialogue to carry plot or characters, either. So… There was basically nothing to it. Which would have been okay if the songs had been stand-out phenomenal, but they weren't; again, while well performed, the best of they managed was instantly forgettable, with not a single tune stuck in my head after. The worst was flat out dreadful. I mean… Really, really atrociously bad.

And yet, the worst part? During the Q&A session after the screening, the people behind the production -- the writer and director, if memory serves, though one may have been the producer? -- essentially copped to… Well, not how bad it was, exactly, but how utterly unconcerned they were with making it good. Like, they said, in as many words, "Oh, we weren't trying to put together something where one scene really followed another," and "We don't really know that much about vampires," and "It wasn't about telling a story." When asked a question about internal consistency by a fan, they were obviously shocked that anyone actually did assume that the series was supposed to move logically from points A to B, or present us with characters were should care about, or tell us a story about, I don't know, a guy who was bitten by a vampire and can't quite come to terms with it.

Though the fact that no one tried to do that was pretty clear from watching it.

So, all in all? It was a big mess. But on the upside, these moments happened!

So I count the night as a win, frankly.

No guilt here, just pleasure.

2009-10-05T21:10:00.003-04:00

One of the (many) reasons I love Tizz is that she just keeps getting better. She was vaguely endearing when The Suite Life of Zack and Cody started; she wound up being the apparent glue that held the show together, since The Suite Life on Deck is unwatchable without her. She was one of the only tolerable actors in High School Musical; by High School Musical 3, her background eyerolls were more entertaining than anything in the nonsense plot. And while her debut album, Headstrong, was an embarrassment all around, Guilty Pleasure, her sophomore effort, is…really, really fun. Who knew?

This is first and foremost because Tizz sounds surprisingly good. Gone is the squeaky, Hilary Duff-esque Tizz of the past; this is a strong, grown-up voice, one that can actually belt and convey multiple emotions, something only a couple of her peers can do. It’s a continued growth from her surprisingly good (albeit sadly truncated) singing performance in HSM 3. Hey, remember how we all scoffed at her “deviated septum” story back when she had her nose job? It might actually have been true, because she sings much more powerfully and less nasally now. I know, I can’t believe it either!

The songs themselves are, for the most part, decent. Most of them tend to run together – there’s 19 on the album, and a good five could have been cut without a noticeable change to the content. They all tend to follow a basic formula of “purred verse, bridge, shouted chorus, rinse and repeat,” as if whoever wrote them was taught to adhere to song structure as rigidly as Elizabethan sonnets, but they’re definitely listenable. The whole album is also seriously 80s-inspired; the title track in particular sounds like it was once recorded by Paula Abdul in her heydey. Others, like “Crank It Up,” sound more current, where “current” equals “like a lost track from Britney Spears’ Circus.”

There are, however, some standouts. There’s only one really bad song, “How Do You Love Someone,” but its caterwauling melodrama is really bad. And the otherwise unremarkable “Time’s Up” is notable for bizarre lyrics like “We’ve squeezed the fruit ‘til there’s no more juice left” and “This cake’s already baked.” Uh. What?

On the other hand, there are some really bright, fun songs: “It’s Alright, It’s OK” is a great kiss-off song, “Hot Mess” is endearingly, well, messy, and “Switch” is bouncy good times. On the rather lovely ballad “Me Without You,” Tizz delivers a vocal performance I wouldn’t have guessed she was capable off, moving effortlessly from whispered vulnerability to a belt that reaches to the cheap seats. And “Hair” is hands-down the best song on the album; the lyrics are clever (well, if you ignore the part where she says “unperfect”), Tizz’s singing is strong, and the whole thing has a lilting, unusual cadence that I just can’t get enough of.

This is not the next Abbey Road, or even the next, say, Oops! I Did It Again. But it is a good, strong, fun album, and gosh darn it, I’m proud of Tizz. Keep it up, sister! You keep defying my expectations, and that’s just fine by me.

Because it's been awhile...

2009-10-05T20:32:00.001-04:00

...have a stupid picture of Zac Efron.

Source.

MAJOR Details

2009-10-04T14:09:00.004-04:00

Things I Love:

1. Stories about girls' private schools.
2. Stories about girls solving mysteries.
3. Stories about girls' friendship.
4. Jennette McCurdy.

Movies That I Am Going to Watch the Crap Out Of, Even Though They Are Direct-to-DVD and Don't Look Very Good:

1. Minor Details, baby!

Pic from Just Jared, Jr.

Fame: Pretty Good, ActuaTHEY DID WHAT???

2009-09-25T23:54:00.005-04:00

Despite my reservations, I saw Fame tonight. It was pretty good! Except for one aspect that was completely infuriating and disgusting and more retrograde and vile than anything shown in the 1980 version. WHOOPS. What follows is a quick, non-spoilery breakdown of the performances, followed by a SPOILER WARNING, followed by the infuriating part. (Although I should point out that Fame, like both the original film and the play, has no plot, so there's not much to be spoiled.)

The Kids We'd Heard of Before: Little Panabaker was quite good! So was Anna Maria Perez de Tagle, who really, really needs a better stage name, but who can apparently do justice to a script that's neither Hannah Montana nor Camp Rock. Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance turns out to be a mediocre actress, but she was also, oddly, a mediocre dancer - technically fine, but nowhere close to the entrancing uber-goddess she was supposed to be. Asher Book of V Factory was definitely the weakest link acting-wise, and though his singing was not bad, he sounded...well, like a member of a boy band, which didn't really fit in with songs like "Someone To Watch Over Me."

The Kids We Hadn't: All quite good! Naturi Naughton is rightfully going to get a lot of praise for her voice. None of the others were real standouts to me, but they all did very well.

The Grownups: Should have had more to do - at least, Bebe Neuwirth, Kelsey Grammer, and Megan Mullally should. They didn't have much to do besides expose the soft fleshy underbellies of their students, and Megan's one song was a disappointment, but they captivated the viewers' attention (particularly Bebe) in a way these wet-behind-the-ears young actors haven't yet learned to do. (And one scene made me want epic fanfiction about how Kelsey Grammer's character is in love with Megan Mullally's. I DON'T KNOW.)

And now, for the part that pissed me off...

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

Little Panabaker and Asher Book play aspiring actors who start dating. At a party, Andy, a former student of the school who is now a regular on a TV show, approaches Little, compliments her on a recent performance, and suggests she come by the set to meet the casting director and audition as a day player. He's also clearly into her, although it's not clear if she knows that. She's thrilled at the professional opportunity, and gives him her number. Asher comes in just in time to see her apparently give some guy her number and accept a kiss on the cheek from him, and storms out. She explains what happened, apologizes (even though she didn't do anything wrong), offers to never talk to Andy again if that's what Asher wants, and then placates him by inviting him up to her empty apartment. So...placating the angry boyfriend by telling him he can veto who she talks to and then offering sexual favors (it's not clear how far they go, but they're not going to her apartment to play Parcheesi)? Uh...sounds great.

Then she goes to Andy's set and is invited into his trailer. He tells her the casting director isn't there, but wants them to make a video, and oh, here's a kissing scene in the script - all a very transparent attempt to get into her pants. She doggedly attempts to act the scene a couple of times, but finally realizes (or accepts) that this isn't legit, tells him off, and leaves. Good for her! In the original film, something similar happens but the girl doesn't get the courage to leave, and I was pleased that Little was able to do so.

Next scene: she's telling Asher what happened. She's clearly very upset, and with good reason - she was just betrayed and molested.

He gets mad at her.

His girlfriend was just SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, and he yells at her while she cries that she knew all along what was going to happen, that she was using sexuality to get ahead, and that if being famous means that much to her, fine, he's done. Then he storms off.

Some time later, at a party with mutual friends, she apologizes again for hurting him and asks if they can ever get past it. He doesn't answer, but later in the scene takes her hand, which apparently means that he's forgiven her.

For being MOLESTED.

This movie blames the victim of sexual assault for bringing it on herself. Her boyfriend essentially calls her a slut and a tease and breaks up with her because she was tricked and violated. This didn't happen in the 1980 film, or the 1988 play, when female characters found themselves in similar situations - situations which turned out a lot worse for the girls in question. All they received was sympathy.

No, it's not until 2009 that we're told that a 17 year old girl who trusts a former schoolmate not to take advantage of her is BAD and WRONG for DARING to be alone with a man without her boyfriend's permission. It's not until the 21st century that Fame wants us to join this supposedly likeable, upstanding boyfriend in shunning a girl who has just been through a traumatic experience. It's not until now that we're expected to applaud a steaming pile of misogyny in what is otherwise a pretty decent movie.

Way to take us backwards, Fame. Fuck you.

Spoke too soon!

2009-09-25T20:28:00.002-04:00

So you know how this morning I made passing reference to Corbin's new show, The Beautiful Life-Colon-TBL?

Did I mention it wasn't very good? Because it really, really wasn't. Aaaaaaaaaaand, it's already canceled.

Sorry, Corbin. But you're still super-cute, if that helps. Especially when carrying a puppy.

Round Up

2009-09-25T08:54:00.006-04:00

Some brief happenings, mostly but not exclusively featuring the HSM alum crowd, because even as HSM's stranglehold on tween culture fades, they remain my favorites:

* Lucas Grabeel (and Drew "Singing Voice of Zac Efron" Seeley) are making a musical vampire love story webseries.

* Tizz is blond again! For the most part, she's been looking awesome lately, but at the Fame premier, not so much.

* Corbin's motocross movie finally premiered. Meanwhile, The Beautiful Life-Colon-TBL also premiered. Thing I love about it: Corbin wandering around with no pants on. Things I am bored to tears by: virtually everything else. Alas.

* And finally, Sterling Knight gets a DCOM scheduled for next year. Hooray! (And yes, I read Popstar Online for this blog.)

And because what the heck, it's Friday, have a flashback:

O-Town: Liquid Dreams

Not gonna lie. I watched every episode of their two seasons of Making the Band.

Well, I do use Hudge's facial wash...

2009-09-19T14:21:00.001-04:00

The Wizards Movie: Who Knew?

2009-09-01T20:10:00.004-04:00

So. Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie. Here are four short words I never thought I'd find myself typing, unqualified and unironically, in a review of a DCOM -- let alone a DCOM based on one of Disney's kidcoms:

It was pretty good.

Not "it was an infuriating waste of my time, or "cute cast, terrible movie," or even "it was enjoyably bad."

It was pretty good! Like, actually good in the way that you want a movie to be!

The two-second summary: Alex and her mother are fighting non-stop during their family vacation, and Alex makes a thoughtless, angry wish that her parents had never met. Of course it comes true, and now she, Justin, and Max only have two days to get find the Stone of Dreams, a magical artifact that can grant (or in this case, reverse) any wish.

Basically, this movie is what would happen if you threw Goonies, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Back to the Future, and It's a Wonderful Life into a blender: treasure maps, mysterious booby traps, characters who disappear because history has been altered, and a revelation of just how good life really is. But, while the action adventure sequences are fine (unlike the regular series, the effects aren't laughably bad; but they're nothing to write home about, either), what ultimately sets it apart as probably the best DCOM I can think of is the fact that it's a well constructed story. There's only one movie in the movie (something DCOMs aren't alone in screwing up; a lot of recent tween and teen movies have tried to shoehorn two, three, or in some cases seven plots into one movie, *cough*CampRock*cough*). There are some bits that don't really make sense (they make the rule that the kids will forget things, but for most of the movie, only Max does, and then he disappears; Justin forgets things all at once, two seconds before he disappears) or were never followed through with (what exactly had Giselle the parrot done to earn her punishment, and why did the street magician guy go off with her at the end, after she'd been so horrible to him?).

But the plot was smooth enough that it didn't take away from the actual important part: the interpersonal relationships.

Whoa, I never thought I would type that about a DCOM, either. But it's true!

The movie does several things well at the character level: for one thing, you can see how the kids get their personalities from their parents, in an "I learned by watching you!" sort of way. The most obvious example is Max, when he's hanging out with his now-single, still-magic-possessing father. Generally, Max is an immature joker -- and now we see, so's his dad! And without hammering the point too hard, Max learns what a pain that can be to deal with by spending time with his dad.

Better still, the kids (especially Alex) relate to their parents the way actual teenagers do. Every fight Alex had with her mom impressed me, because they didn't seem at all contrived; yeah, magic, whatever, but other than that, they were fights that a lot of teenage girls do have with their mothers.

But, because I am a sucker for such things (and because, let's face it, Selena and D-Hen are the best things about the show), it was the surprisingly depth to the relationship between Alex and Justin that got me and knocked the movie up from "fine" to "pretty good" territory. In the regular series, we see that Alex is a slacker who's perfectly good at magic, but doesn't care enough to try. And we see Justin is a neurotic nerd. And we know that they don't generally get along. It turns out, all of these things have motivations! Justin is desperate for his parents' approval, and thinks that being super-smart is the only way he can earn it. Alex sees that his parents do approve of that, but thinks that she can never live up to his example, so she refuses to even try. Justin is sick of getting in trouble because of Alex. Alex is sick of Justin being a know-it-all. They fight because of all of these things, and through the course of the movie, they gain empathy for one another, they make it clear that beneath it all, they really care about each other, and it's kind of. Um. Touching. And not in a bad-touch way.

You guys, a DCOM had character depth in a way that made sense and drove the plot along and made me care about things! What madness is this? And if Disney can actually find competent people to write and direct things, why don't they do it more often????

Look: the movie wasn't perfect. When I said it seemed like someone had stuck those four movies in a blender, I wasn't joking; there's leaning heavily on movie tradition, and then there's borderline plagiarism, and this movie is much closer to the latter. Nothing about it was especially original, or strikingly brilliant. But (given the source material, and the quality of basically all other DCOMs), it was better than it had any right to be, and even removing the context of the Wizards series and the tradition of DCOMs making no sense, you're left, well… A movie that was pretty good.

She's not like other girls.

2009-08-30T00:05:00.004-04:00

I like iCarly a lot, but one of the major weaknesses of the show is the character of Carly – or, more precisely, the lack thereof. She’s smart, but not a nerd! She’s cool, but not too cool! She’s not particularly temperamental or particularly laidback or particularly interested in things or particularly anything. She’s not zany like Spencer or aggressive like Sam or nerdy like Freddie. All she ever gets to do on the show is react. This is not a good or strong or entertaining centerpiece for a television show!

On the other hand, there's Sam, who is the very best part of the show, and the complete opposite of Carly in that she's absolutely bursting with personality. Sam is played by my tween BFF Jennette McCurdy, and Jennette McCurdy’s amazing hair. Seriously, I know I’ve said it before, but this hair is magical. Check it out:

Anyway. Sam is loud. Sam is uncouth. Sam is ill-behaved.

Sam is a fantastic role model.

Obviously kids should not model their behavior on Sam’s. Sam doesn’t do her homework, she sasses the teachers, she attacks kids in the hallway on little-to-no provocation. She’s violent and rude and a bit of a bully, and her moral compass is a little borked. This is not a good way to behave!

And yet.

Sam is a girl on TV, and yet she still gets to be loud and uncouth and ill-behaved. She gets to eat enormous quantities of meat and push people around and buff her feet on Carly’s couch, and…that’s just Sam. The show doesn’t make her worry about her weight or tell her to nibble daintily at a salad. It doesn’t restrain Sam in any way. She just gets to be Sam, and her friends and her audience love her for it.

Which is why I was so very disappointed when iCarly pulled the same stupid bullshit Hannah Montana did, way back in Season 1. In “You Are So Sue-able To Me,” otherwise known as the Most Infuriating Hannah Montana Episode Ever, Lilly has a crush on some random Boy of the Week, who is obviously equally smitten with her, but Miley tells Lilly that she (Lilly) is “not a girl” and thus cannot attract him. Miley gives Lilly a makeover, but the boy stands her up, so Lilly takes him to some kind of teen court TV show, where she discovers that the boy liked her just the way she was, and happily goes back to the old Lilly. Because it’s not okay to be yourself unless a boy likes you that way!

The iCarly version of this, “iMake Sam Girly,” sidestepped some of the problems with the HM episode. Sam really is uncouth and undainty, as opposed to Lilly, who had those attributes slapped onto her for an episode and forgotten the next week. Carly totally accepts Sam the way she is and only agrees to make her over when Sam asks for help, instead of Miley’s fairly nasty and totally unwarranted attack on Lilly. And Sam goes back to being herself in order to protect herself and her friends by fighting a bully. But she’s still subjected to half an episode of “you are wrong for being yourself,” and she is still validated by the Boy of the Week continuing to like her. Both episodes even have their tomboys eat spaghetti messily to prove how unladylike they are. And both episodes turned my stomach.

“I want to be more like you!” Sam tells Carly at one point. “You know, all soft and girly and weak.”

It’s a funny line, but when I heard it I thought of a comment I’d once seen on the official iCarly website, left by some little girl out there in viewerland: “I think Sam is the coolest, strongest girl I have ever seen.”

And I wondered what that little girl would think of Sam – the strongest girl she’d ever seen – begging Carly to teach her how to be weak, because that’s how girls are supposed to be. Unless, of course, a boy tells them they can be otherwise.

Come on, iCarly. You can do better. Let Sam be Sam.

Bandslam

2009-08-26T21:13:00.004-04:00

This weekend, your bloggers took a journey to the heart of darkness -- or, more specifically, to the small New Jersey town where Jess went to high school. We were only trying to beat the heat of New York City, but it turned out to be thematically appropriate, because while in the Garden State Parkway State, we saw Bandslam, which is not only set in a New Jersey high school, but which turned out to be much like Jess's high school experience: angsty, hormonal, poorly paced, and full of ska. Oh, and kind of suckish.

A few of our commenters had let us know that a) the movie was much better than it looked; and b) it was completely mismarketed. Y'all were right on both points. The marketing failure is basically understandable, when you consider that it's starring both Vanessa Hudgens and Aly of Aly & AJ (sorry, I mean 78violet) fame; making it look sparkly and tweenie was inevitable. But that wasn't the movie's real market -- it was a teen comedy, more along the lines of 10 Things I Hate About You (albeit with a more indie feel); it's a movie meant for actual teens who are actually in high school. You can tell, because it was heavy on the How Much High School Sucks commentary.

Jess: It also had the kind of protagonist who appeals more to teens than tweens: the awkward, sensitive loner Will, played to perfection by Gaelan Connell, who probably spent the entire movie baffled by the fact that he was playing opposite Aly and La Hudge. He had the earnestness of a teenager who is totally into classic rock and convinced that he's the only one who's ever heard of, say, Led Zeppelin down pat, and he may soon start stealing roles from Michael Cera, but God, I'm so sick of whiny nice guy misfit protagonists, and the fact that the plot went seriously awry towards the end doesn't really help me to like Will. But more on that later.

Becky: Squeaky Hudgens played outsider Sa5m (the 5 is silent), and made a serious effort to be less piercing than usual. She doesn't quite pull off flat monotone, which makes her first few scenes awkward, but when the writing settled down and focused less on "look what a misanthropic outsider weirdo she is!" she did a pretty good job. But the script never quite decided what kind of outsider she actually was -- the visual cues (heavy eyeliner, black nailpolish) said goth, but the personality cues leaned much more heavily towards shy nerd. And somehow they missed the archetype that would have actually made sense, the music-obsessed indie chick, which is a shame, because if Sa5m (that causes me physical pain to type) had been more into music, it would have made the relationship between her and Will read a lot more genuine.

Jess: Aly Michalka was much more convincing as Charlotte, the oh-so-fascinating-and-unattainable rock goddess who recruits Will as her band's manager. (The plot around her character was kind of rocky, but that wasn't her fault.) Lisa Kudrow and Scott Porter were fine but unremarkable as Will's mom and Charlotte's ex-boyfriend, respectively, although Scott Porter can barely pass for a college student anymore, let alone a high school one. The rest of the cast of kooky misfits was appropriately kooky and misfitty.

Becky: Basically, this movie had all the elements it needed for a decent teen flick. The pacing was a little off and some elements never quite gelled into place -- Hudge's jealousy of Aly springs to mind -- but the first 3/4 or so were fun and watchable. Some of it was actually really sweet, some of it was really funny. But unfortunately, it went all to hell at the climax. The climax was supposed to be a double-whammy of awfulness: it's revealed that Will's been lying to everyone about his father, and also, Charlotte has betrayed everyone. And while the first part more or less works, the second... Not. At. All.

Jess: Yeah. Not to spoil you guys too much, but the "betrayal" scene basically consists of Will, our ostensible hero, screaming at Charlotte for being distant and cranky on the way to her father's funeral. At which point Becky and I realized we both hated him, and none of his mopey "poor me" posturing for the rest of the movie could get him back into our good graces.

Becky: Not to mention the fact that her "betrayal" didn't actually involve betraying anyone. The only thing she did that was in any way bad was make Will feel bad about himself, and since he was being a total asshole AND her father had just died, yeah, our sympathy was with her, not him, which wasn't what the movie wanted us to take out of that scene. And it didn't help that the entire rest of the movie was about what a super-special, awesome, all around fantastic, fabulous guy Will was. ZOMG WE GET IT. SHUT UP, MOVIE.

Jess: And then the movie wanted us to believe that Will's band went on to take the world by storm. There are several reasons to doubt this:

1. The band's name is "I Can't Go On...I'll Go On." What? No. Shut up.
2. It is fronted by Vanessa Hudgens in a macrame dress. Rawk.
3. They cover "Everything I Own," which...I'm sorry, but you cannot rock out (or shred, which Vanessa commanded them to do in the trailer but sadly not in the movie) to a Bread song. A Bread song that has been covered by *NSYNC, Boy George, and Olivia Newton-John.
4. It's a ska band! Ska! I'm sorry, I didn't realize this movie was set in 1994.
5. Spoiler but oh my God you guys this shit is ridiculous: DAVID BOWIE SEES THE BAND ON YOUTUBE AND OFFERS THEM A RECORD DEAL. THE REAL DAVID BOWIE. IN THIS MOVIE. FOR SOME REASON.

Becky: And finally, let's not forget some casual racism. Early on in the movie, Will completely dismisses a group of black students as listening to hip-hop or rap; they aren't worth his time to talk about (in fact, the only black students I can recall seeing are listening to or performing rap and hiphop). He goes on to make fun of white kids who are listening to reggae. But repeatedly in the movie, he and other characters profess their deep love of ska artists by saying, "They took reggae...and made it their own!" So: black kids enjoying music primarily performed by black people? Dismissed out of hand. White kids listening to music primarily performed by black people? Laughably stupid. But white kids listening to music primarily performed by white people while actively applauding the artists for appropriating it from black people? AWESOME. Not that it's a surprise. After all, Will is obsessed with rock generally, so I guess it's a proud tradition.

Jess: Basically, Bandslam had elements of a good movie floating around in there, but failed to tie them together, and threw a few major stumbling blocks in there for good measure. We basically wanted to go back in time, get our hands on the script, and mark it up like crazy with our red pens. Alas, that technology is not yet available. If you're a big Hudgens or Michalka fan or enjoy neurotic white guys being sad about their lives (and someone must, or Woody Allen wouldn't have a career), you could do worse than giving Bandslam a shot. But you could do a whole lot better, too.

Baby, remember my name

2009-08-21T23:35:00.010-04:00

The latest remake of Fame leaves me with many questions. Is it based on the movie, the stage show, the TV show, or is it just a bunch of kids at a performing arts school with a couple of the more recognizable songs crammed in there? Is it still set at the New York High School of Performing Arts, and if so, does it take place in the 80s, since the NYHSoPA was folded into LaGuardia High School a quarter century ago, and I don't see any painters in the trailer? And perhaps most importantly, what on earth is the point of remaking a movie that's less than 30 years old? I mean, the clothing may be violently late 70s, but the film's central thesis isn't exactly dated beyond recognition.

It's not that I'm in love with the original Fame. I've actually always found it rather boring. But I'm so very baffled by this new one! And vaguely concerned by the veneer of glitz they seem to be laying over it, when the original Fame was more about laying bare the hardwork and agonies of performing - not about the stage, but about the memorization, the vocal scales, the exercises at the barre, the blood, sweat, and tears that go into that fleeting chance to, as the song says, live forever. It's not sparkly.

I am pleased by the cast. Bebe Neuwirth and Debbie Allen are rightfully living legends, Kesley Grammer is an inspired choice, and Megan Mullally will probably surprise quite a few people with her pipes. As far as the kids go: Asher Book is the perfectly acceptable frontman of the fairly decent boy band V Factory, and from what I can tell from snippets of the soundtrack, he is at least vocally pretty much perfect for the part I suspect he's playing (regardless of the version, Fame always seems to have a skinny neurotic white boy actor, although if that's him with the guitar in the poster he may have just thrown my theory out the window). Kay Panabaker (or Little Panabaker, as we call her) has appeared on various Disney Channel stuff, and although our hearts belong to her older sister (Big (Danielle) Panabaker, star of our beloved Sky High), we're down with all Panabakers as a rule. Anna Maria Perez de Tagle (you probably should've shortened the stage name, hon) plays a bitchy sidekick (poorly) in Hannah Montana and a bitchy sidekick (poorly) in Camp Rock. Let's see if she can actually act off a decent script (assuming this movie has a decent script)! Finally, Bitchy Dance Goddess is played by Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance Season 4, who wasn't our favorite, but at least we know she can dance, which is not always the case in these kinds of movies, Zac Efron.

So cast-wise I am cautiously optimistic. But...listen to those soundtrack snippets again, or at least the second and last ones, the snippets of the title song. "Fame" is not a laidback, groovy dance tune. It is not cool. It is not patient. It is an explosion of ambition and joy and excitement, of dancing on taxis and demanding attention. It is this:

I don't care what you do to the plot, NewFame, but give me that uncontrollable longing bursting out of every student in that school, or you and I will have some very harsh words.

OTWOBBW: Wow

2009-08-20T16:56:00.004-04:00

I thought I'd posted the third installment of the Official Tweenage Wasteland Official Boy Band Watch a while ago, but I guess I didn't. Whoops!

Well, anyway, meet Wow:

There’s not enough info out yet about these guys to give them a full rating. The number one thing that comes to mind when looking at them is “OW MY EYES.” Once you get past the blinding hues, though, they seem to be a bunch of average-looking dudes who at least understand two of the key principles of boy bandom: wearing bright colors (oh, do they ever understand this point) and jumping on things. Their single, “Goosebumps,” sounds appropriately boy bandish, so it’s a shame that it’s terrible. In fact, we’re not sure that it was actually recorded by human beings and not robots.

But boy, they certainly do like to jump on things.

They’re currently on tour opening for the MoFoJoBros, so we imagine we will hear more about them soon.

All the Way Osment

2009-08-16T23:39:00.003-04:00

Here at Tweenage, we love Emily Osment, the most adorable part of Hannah Montana. I'm not sure it's fair to say that we've been eagerly anticipating her album, because all we've heard from her so far has been an overproduced Tiny Robot Voice, which does not inspire confidence in her singing ability, but we've definitely been interested. Here's the first peek:

Is it just me, or does she sound like she's doing her best Miley impression? She's way overproduced, but I'm pretty sure at this point that her voice is so weak it requires such overproduction. Which is a shame, but the greater shame is that every tween actor feels the need to record an album (or, conversely, every tween singer feels the need to do some acting) when they are not necessarily any good at it.

Also, the song isn't very good.

And yet, I think I love it, just because I love Emily that much. Oh, Tiny Robot Voice, I am your willing slave!

Aliens in the Attic

2009-08-11T20:39:00.002-04:00

I mentioned a couple of times that Jess and I were excited for Aliens in the Attic, La Tizz's first post-HSM3 cinematic offering. Excitement levels skyrocketed when we found out Josh Peck, Jess's Inappropriately Young TV Crush, was one of the voice actors. So, while we didn't quite make it opening day, we did catch it last weekend. Here's the rundown: Math-and-science nerd Tom Pearson (Carter Jenkins) is none too happy about spending his summer vacation with his family, particularly his bully of a cousin (Austin Butler), his perfect older sister (La Tizz), and her jerk of a boyfriend (Robert Hoffman), but the summer takes a turn for the even worse when the kids discover that a scouting expedition for an alien invasion has landed on their roof.

So how was the movie? Let's go to the points system!

Physical Comedy: The repeated guy-gets-hit-in-the-nuts gags were overdone (did you know aliens have testicles? you do now!), but Robert Hoffman's performance as the sleezy boyfriend under alien mindcontrol was amazing. And Tizz fell in a lake! We love when she does that! +10

The moral: Math is cool! It's good to be smart! Don't hide who you are! +5

Poor execution of the moral: No one stops halfway through a fight to draw a parabola and do math problems before shooting at the enemy. That's not how aiming works. -5

Wacky alien romance subplot: What was this? Why did it happen? It was clumsy and the gender politics made my skin crawl a little. -10

Josh: Jess's Inappropriately Young Tween Star Boyfriend did a decent job as the nice alien, but was underutilized in Jess's opinion, in that he didn't have all the lines. +10

Nerdy Protagonist: He did a perfectly serviceable job in a completely by-the-numbers role, but was most enjoyable when the story forgot he had an emotional arc because he was busy fighting aliens. +2

Austin "Hey, It's That (Tween) Guy!" Butler: He was reasonably amusing in his brief appearances on Hannah Montana and iCarly, and is pretty genuinely hilarious in this as the slacker cousin who gets a leeettle too cheerfully Full Metal Jacket on the aliens. His "It's the po-po!" was probably the funniest line in the movie. +10

Little sister: Of course the little girl (who, with Tizz, is outnumbered 2-to-1 by boy cousins) is the gentle, nurturing one who befriends the nice alien. The idea that boys are devoid of compassion and girls are nothing but is a stereotype we have had more than enough of, but it was hardly a surprise. But this poor kid suffers from Webby Vanderquack Syndrome: she looks about eight, but sounds and acts about four. It's meant to be cute but just makes her come off as mentally deficient. - TEN THOUSAND.

The twins cousins: Were even more forgettable than the Sprouses. 0

Surprising star power: Tim Meadows, Kevin Nealon, and Andy Richter were all in this movie. +10

But they didn't do anything: Like, at all. -5.

The Actual Plot: Holds together reasonably well, despite some flaws (like frequently forgetting the parents exist, and the alien invasion plan not making much sense). +5

And finally...

La Tizz: She is well-cast as the sassy older sister in love for the first time, and does a kick-ass job in the role. She's endearingly vulnerable when the plot calls for it, but she is not going to put up with any crap - not from her brother, not from her boyfriend, and certainly not from aliens. Her comedic timing is spot-on, and her hair actually looks like it grew out of her head instead of being placed there by third-rate wigmakers! And speaking of kick-ass, after this movie, I want her as my plus-one in case of zombie apocalypse. +1 MILLION

TOTAL: 990,032. In other words: if you really love Ashley Tisdale, go see this movie! Otherwise, you're probably okay waiting for it to show up as a FOX Saturday Afternoon Movie.

No.

2009-08-08T01:15:00.002-04:00

No.

NO.

The shirttails, and the crooked tie, and the shiny pants, and the hat, and the...

No. NO.

Open Letter

2009-08-05T21:54:00.003-04:00

Vanessa. Honey. We have to talk.

Look: I like you! I think you're cute as a button, and in tiny part thanks to you, I now use delicious-smelling pink grapefruit facial wash. You are a cutie-patootie, a passable pop singer, and a mediocre but pretty-to-look-at actress. But honey.

Stop being naked on the internet.

Now, look. I love the theory that Naked Vanessa #1 was an attempt to get out of doing HSM3; fair enough. But whether it was a stunt or an accident, there was no way for you to come out of it not knowing that sending nudie pics to your boyfriend is a bad plan. Neither e-mail nor phone is super-secure, and people will get ahold of them! And you know this! So stop putting naked pictures of yourself where they can be easily pilfered!

Sigh.

I don't mind that you're naked. That's none of my business. I don't think it makes you a bad person, or even necessarily a bad role model (except that it makes you look kind of dumb because really, twice now?). Hey, you've been in a committed relationship for a few years now; you're above the age of legal consent; your boyfriend is a super-hottie. Knock yourself out behind closed doors, honey.

But this? This is not the way to break away from your Disney career. And since Bandslam looks to be another pretty tweenie-looking movie, I'm not even sure how you thought this would play out as a publicity stunt. Look: if you like showing folks your naked body, kudos for you! I bet you anything that Playboy or Maxim would take your phone call. You are an adult lady. You don't need anyone's approval if you want to be naked. You don't need to apologize for it. But for god's sake, stop with this cutesy, "Teehee, I'm accidentally naked, whoops!" thing. You don't need it.

Be naked if you want to. And if you don't, stop being a freaking moron.

That is all.

Love,
Becky

My Life: So Hard!

2009-07-25T13:08:00.002-04:00

Some days, it's really hard to write posts for this blog. You have to find something ridiculous that a tween star did, said, or wore recently; you have to look through Youtube for silly videos; you need to subject yourself to super over-produced pop music; you need to spend the time to find ludicrous pictures and then write jokes about them.

Other days, Zac Efron talks to the press, and makes everything really, really easy.

Zac Efron in Showbiz Spy, via Rachel:

"On a normal day," Efron told a British magazine, "I'm usually out of the shower and ready to go in a couple of minutes. I'm not a naturally groomed guy."

No kidding! Oh, do go on.

"Someone said to me that guys are trying to copy my hairstyle, but to be honest, this hairstyle is derived from laziness. I wake up and go -- that's it. There's no product in it, nothing.
"If you really want your hair to look good, just don't wash it for a day. That's my secret."

But Zef, we already know that! Please, give us something new to giggle at.

"In high school there were guys who were really tall, there were burly guys on the football team who looked like my dad -- and then there was me, who looked like a little kid. I was a late bloomer," he said.

Wait for it…

"I actually rocked a pubescent mustache for a while. It was so unattractive."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH ZEF.

Click here for a Tweenage Wasteland exclusive picture of Zef's mustachioed years! Or a reasonable approximation there of, anyway.

A Saturday Night Watching "Wizards on Deck With Hannah Montana"

2009-07-18T22:48:00.001-04:00

So the thing is, my sister Rachel does not care about the Disney Channel or tween things. Really. That's why she was the one who initially talked me into watching HSM, and why she watched Camp Rock with us last summer, and why she not only Tivoed Princess Protection Program when I forgot to do it, but actually watched it. And why she TiVoed "Wizards on Deck With Hannah Montana" for me.

So now I am making her watch it! Fun times.

-Alex has dropped from 10 assignments behind to 14 assignments behind in science
Rachel: They only get one assignment a week?

-Justin: "It's ironic that the person who likes school the least…Has to go the most!"
Becky: I like that Gay Older Brother is kind of a dick.

- Parents: "We'll make you go and see all the fun they're having, and then you'll feel bad about yourself! … That's good parenting, right?"
Becky: It's still better than the mom on "The Suite Life."

-Justin: "Look, it's from the teen cruise contest I wrote an essay for!"
Rachel: "Watch while I casually exposit!"

Aboard the SS Tipton…
-Moseby: *is wearing shorts and knee socks*
Both of us: Aaaaaaah!

-Slightly Better Sprouse: *is wearing skinny jeans*
Both of us: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

-Alex: *casts a spell*
Becky: Did she just rhyme "here" with "here"? And why is that an elevator to take them to shore?

-Youngest Russo: "It's one of those clocks for people on to tell the time in their bodies!"
Rachel: Is he brain damaged? Like, actually?

-Slightly Worse Sprouse: "So I hear you're randomly taking people's blood pressure. I'm Zack."
Rachel: That is the best introduction ever.

-Alex: "Ashley Olsen. I can remember that. Ashley… Oh, no. Oh, well!"
Rachel: I think all the Russo children are brain dead!

-Justin: *spit takes*
-London: "That's how you know you're full!"
Rachel: There is no explanation for that line.

Becky: So basically, youngest Russo is just Zack Martin.
Rachel: But somehow dumber.

-Justin: "I'm gonna dump her."
-Alex: "Can I watch?"
-Justin: "I'm not. Going. To cry."
Rachel: Wow, he's a much better actor than this show really calls for.

-Justin: "Would you… Would you go out with a guy who worked in a sandwich shop, and wrote… Stories, and essays…"
Rachel: And fanfic, I'm guessing?

-Not!Tizz (Bailey): *wears horrible yellow pants*
Rachel: OW, MY EYES!

-SBS: *wears white skinny jeans*
Rachel: REALLY????

Rachel: Is it D-Hen's only job to walk around saying angry things? Because I will actually watch that show.

-Miley: *wears purple satin pants*
Rachel: How are EVERYONE'S PANTS worse than the last pair I saw?

-Justin: *takes his shirt off*
Becky: I find the fact that D-Hen is actually ripped really disconcerting.
-Justin: *is now covered in blue*
Rachel: You could just take off the latex suit.

-Justin: "This is Alex, I know my sister!"
-Moseby: "This is Zack, I know my hooligan!"
Becky: Awww, Zack is his hooligan.

-The show: *makes no sense*
Rachel: It's sort of like a middle school play.

-Zack: "Isn't there something you'd like to say to me? That rhymes with 'I'm … florry?'"
-Moseby: "You're flannoying?"
Rachel: I thought he was going to say, "You're a bad rhymer."

-Youngest Russo: "I'm never going to wash that cheek again."
Rachel: What, no "You've never washed that cheek before!" joke? How do you miss that beat?!

-"Hannah Montana" episode: *is unwatchably boring*
Becky: Why is the Hannah Montana episode so much less manic? And more dull?
-Suite Life characters: *all enter*
Becky: That actually improves things.
Rachel: Where did the Wizard kids go?

-Zack: "I've got chocolate shirtcake!"
-Hannah: "I don't like chocolate."
-Zack: "That's okay. I've got vanilla in my pants pocket…"
Rachel: SO INAPPROPRIATE, OMG.

Rachel: Who's that other kid? … Wait, that's Oliver in a stupid wig. Why so many stupid wigs on this show?

Rachel: I like how it's clear Billy Ray just couldn't be bothered to go to the set to film and that's why all of his scenes are in bed.

-Not!Tizz: "Did you do this?"
-Cody: "Bailey, if this relationship doesn't have honesty, it doesn't have anything. … Yes, I did."
Rachel: See, it's funny because he's lying to his girlfriend.

Becky: Well… that was dull.
Rachel: Instead of going wacky, they tried for pathos. On "Hannah Montana."

In conclusion…

Rachel: So Slightly Better Sprouse is dead in the middle of his awkward phase, huh?
Becky: For five years now.

The end!

A fervent prayer

2009-07-15T02:46:00.002-04:00

According to Just Jared Jr. (my faviest blog in the world, at least for tweeny things), Tizz has gotten a tattoo. But no one knows what it says! This here is our closest look at it so far:

please say Bet On It please say Bet On It PLEASE SAY BET ON IT

Princess Protection Program (Warning: exclamation points abound!)

2009-07-10T20:46:00.003-04:00

So. The Princess Protection Program. How to describe this movie? Hmmm. Let's try this: the best thing about this movie is Demi Lovato's acting. Wow. But, to be fair, if you don't care about things like how monarchies function, or international relations, or government agencies, or basically anything remotely resembling the actuality of princesses (or, you know, plot) it's actually quite enjoyable! Once you accept that nothing makes any sense and just go with it, it's a sort of charming tale of the surprisingly likeable girls developing a friendship. And I actually kind of enjoyed it.

Okay, so here goes. We tune in on, miraculously, not the last day of school, but rather on Selena Gomez and her Creepy Pageant Baby Face, working at a bait shop in the Louisiana Bayou. She gives away some free bait to a guy named Donny, who I will be referring to as McDoucherson, because he is a ginormous douche. This is made apparent immediately: Selena gives him the bait because a) she is Totes In Love with him, but also because b) he agreed to give her a ride to school. Even though he doesn't know her name (it's Carter, because she's a tom boy, and tom boys always have boy names, see?). But McDoucherson's girlfriend, a bitchy Asian girl named Chelsea (no, really, Disney, you aren't subverting stereotypes by making every Asian character a villain) has her dress in McDoucherson's car, and won't move it to give Selena room, and McDoucherson shrugs and drives off EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD A DEAL. So they (along with Chelsea's nervous sidekick) speed off, and Selena calls them spoiled princesses, which is a wacky bit of foreshadowing because gosh! Soon she's going to have to deal with a real princess! Clever! Or, wait, the other thing, where it isn't clever, just awkward dialogue.

Anyway. Selena's dad has to go out on a mysterious mission for two days. He promises "it's a routine op" and he'll be fine.

MEANWHILE! In the small country of Costa Luna, Princess Demi Lovato is practicing for her coronation in a month. While she chatters with her swishy gay sidekick/dress designer Mr. Elagante, her mom exposits that since her husband passed away, only Demi can become queen of Costa Luna, or, as I will call it henceforth (based on the accents of everyone who appears in this scene), Fakeonia. So Demi might get in trouble, and someone named General Kane might try and attack her, but (gasp!) Selana's dad is there to protect her!

You know, because really, you hire the most body guards for the practice coronation, a month before the real event. But I guess that is when trouble happens, because right as a helpful old man in generic religious garb goes to place the tiara on Demi's head, gasp! The general shows up! And he throws a sword through the tiara and starts a food fight! That means he is totes the dictator now, and so Selana's dad grabs Demi and drags her off, because surely an American soldier kidnapping the princess of a sovereign nation won't be any kind of international incident. (Meanwhile, Mr. Elegante is dragged off by soldiers, and smirks a little bit, which is so very inappropriate, Disney Channel.) And even though Demi and Selena's dad take, like, 15 minutes to leave, and walk right in front of some enemy soldiers without anyone bothering them or trying to stop their helicopter from taking off, for some reason Demi's mom has to stay behind. But the general doesn't kill her (or even, as far as we see, imprison her -- he makes reference to it, but every time she shows up she's wearing a ball gown with her hair done, so that's some special prison Kane has, I guess). Because that's totally not something you want to do when you overthrow a country.

Note to self: start working on that "Become Empress of Everything" plan a bit more seriously, because you are smarter than this villain, and apparently, no one will try to stop you. Not as long as you throw chocolate sauce on people, anyway, I guess.

Here's the weird thing, though; Demi actually kind of pulls of scared and sad but still dignified and trying to hold her shit together in this scene. Which isn't "generically happy" and thus much more complex than anything she has ever conveyed before. Go, Demi?

So Selena's dad takes Demi to a top-secret facility, which is the headquarters of the Princess Protection Program, where they do nothing but hide exiled princesses. (Apparently, there are 29 princesses currently being protected, because this whole "throw your sword through a tiara and stage a coup" thing is pretty common, I guess. And there are, like, 15 princesses wandering around trying on new clothes and such in the background.) They give Demi a makeover so she'll look like a normal girl, which involves trimming her bangs a little and unbraiding her hair.

This is also the scene where it becomes clear that whoever wrote the movie confused "regal" with "robotic" dialogue, because Demi isn't allowed to use any contractions. Her delivery is dead flat most of the time, but that's at least as much the dialogue's fault as it is hers, but it makes her sound more like Summer Glau Terminator character than anything else. Anyway, they send her off with Selena's dad to go into hiding… Disguised as Selena's cousin! Wacky!

Back on the bayou, Selena chatters with her bus driver, who's the prostitute from My Name Is Earl, which is mildly disconcerting. She and Demi run into each other and it's wacky hijinks! Selena doesn't want to share her room! Demi is afraid of lizards! Selena's a tom boy! Demi wears dresses! It's like the odd couple, but really stupid!

So without bothering to enroll or anything, Demi now goes to Selena's school. They get off the bus and meet Zach from Sky High, who continues with his traditional role of being That Kind of Tall Guy, who is, for some reason, filming Selena (and I guess some other girls) because of homecoming? Okay. McDoucherson is a douche to Demi until he discerns that she's hot, and Demi sticks out like a sore thumb because she speaks French in French class. (Fair enough; I took high school French and never actually learned a word. On the other hand, even I can tell that her accent is terrible.) But for all people are totally mean to her because she does crazy things like use a napkin and a fork when she eats her hamburger, the dudes all think she's hot, so Chelsea decides she is competition that must be taken down. Some teacher announces that it's time to nominate girls for Homecoming Queen, to narrow it down to three -- the Princesses, if you will, GET IT??? -- with the final winner announced at the dance. Demi totally humiliates Selena by nominating her, not realizing that she's a tom boy, and everyone laughs. Because tom boys don't like dresses so they can't be Homecoming Princess because that would be ridiculous! Next thing you know, basketball players will be singing, or baking! Smart girls will pop'n'lock! Stoners will play the cello! ~~Flamey drama boys will play baseball! Okay, I'll stop.~~

Demi remains plucky and upbeat even though Selena dislikes her; Selena agrees to try and be nice to her for her dad's sake. But Selena plays a mean trick on her by making her, um, count worms. So basically, Selena is playing the same character she always plays -- bitchy -- and Demi is… Again, surprisingly decent. It's a variant on her standard "look how nice I am! Please like me!" girl, but with a bit more, I can't believe I'm typing this, depth. And she's kind of… empathetic. And if you squint hard enough, you can see both characters' motivations. Demi and Selena play off each other pretty well. I kind of, like… Almost care about them and stuff. Girls fighting but then banding together to help each other out and becoming BFFs! It warms my cold, dead heart! Even though it's ludicrously bad.

Anyway, Demi and Selena finally make peace, so Selena takes Demi bowling. At the bowling alley, Zach from Sky High is adorable and tall, and McDoucherson is a douche. Demi turns out to be great at bowling, and all the boys think she's hot, and Selena is frustrated because her dad and McDoucherson and Zach from Sky High all suddenly like Demi best. But of course, and all the girls hate Demi because the boys like her (because girls only care about what boys think and consider one another strictly in terms of competition, you see) so they decide to prank her so she'll be humiliated and no one will vote for her for Homecoming Princess. Naturally, they start by pretending to be her friend (because girls are mean and scheming and are never actually really friends with each other; on a related note I AM SO FULL OF HATE FROM THIS PART OF THE PLOT. Well, "plot." WHATEVER, HATE.).

When Selena angrily tells Demi she should go get a job, Demi does so. Chelsea gets Demi hired at her father's frozen yogurt restaurant, where she is immediately put on duty, as the only one working, and she's never been trained, and OH MY GOD HAS NO ONE AT DISNEY EVER WORKED A JOB OF ANY KIND, EVER? Chelsea calls everyone to laugh at her and has some dude sabotage the machine, so the customers are mad and there's frozen yogurt everywhere! Heck, you could overthrow a small country that way! Selena comes to save the day, but not before Demi is humiliated, and Demi's moment of wounded dignity is actually… Surprisingly good (I know I keep saying that, but I keep being surprised). But the plan has backfired, because everyone thought Demi was pretty cool about the whole thing, so Chelsea starts scheming again.

Meanwhile, in Fakeonia! The General has an evil scheme to marry Demi's mom, but not for real, just to make sure Demi finds out about it. See, that'll lure Demi back into the country, so the General can then, um, exile her. Awesome plan, dude.

At school the next day, the three princesses are announced: Chelsea, Demi, and Selena! Because, see, Chelsea's plan backfired again! She told everyone to vote for Selena, not Demi, but instead they voted for Selena and Demi! ZOMG! And then McDoucherson asks out Demi. And, in a pretty awesome moment, she shuts him down flat. ("Oh. It is very kind of you to ask. But no. Excuse me.")

Selena is sad because McDoucherson doesn't like her, so Demi decides to make her feel like a princess by having her… Volunteer to read to children? Um, sure. Oh, and then they go on a wacky shopping trip! I liked this sequence better when it was in A Cinderella Story, but eventually they find perfect dresses for themselves. But at this point, Chelsea's nervous sidekick runs across a Spanish-language magazine with Demi on the cover, for some reason. And she immediately figures out that Demi is a princess! Like, she immediately figures it out without opening the magazine or reading the article or anything. Meanwhile, Selena's dad finds out about the General's evil plan, and Chelsea bosses around some nerdy girl we've never seen before. Nervous sidekick tells her about Demi. Chelsea then goes to blackmail Demi, but instead, just throws their dresses on some gravel. OH NOES, NOT GRAVEL! I mean, to be fair, there's a mud puddle, too, but on the other hand, they are on the freaking bayou and there is an enormous, muddy, algae-covered lake two feet away. The upshot is, how will Demi and Selena go to the dance if there is gravel on their dresses???

Somewhere around here, Demi finds out about her mother's fake marriage, and wants to go back to Fakeonia, but Selena makes her promise to stay through homecoming and hatches a wacky scheme. It mostly seems to involve calling Mr. Elegante and having him make them new dresses, and then giving makeovers to the various nerdy girls who've been wandering around in the background.

And then comes homecoming. Selena's big plan involves everyone wearing masks, except for when they're not, which is about 90% of the time. And so a long line of now-pretty, made-over nerdy girls walk past the boys, who of course are so captivated that no one notices when Chelsea's dress gets caught in a car and she starts screaming and her dress rips and she falls on the ground, LOL! (See, it's funny because boys only care about hot girls, and will totally ignore everything else when they see one, get it?) Inside, Selena dances with some freshman and McDoucherson walks over to her and asks her out. She shuts him down, because hey! He's a total douche! She points out to him that he only is asking her out because she's hot all dressed up -- but she's still the same tom boy she always was, and she's proud of who she is, and she deserves better than someone who can't even remember her name. I mean this non-sarcastically: It is AWESOME. And of course, in the bathroom, Chelsea continues her slow descent into madness, as her nervous sidekick finally ditches her. Chelsea runs outside and smack into, gasp, the general! He heads inside and kidnaps a now-re-bemasked Selena, mistaking her for Demi; thirty seconds later, Demi wins Homecoming Queen and goes up on stage. Good thing that dude doesn't look back, I guess. Also a good thing that everyone at the school was down with voting for a girl who doesn't even go there.

Demi gives a speech, with the camera right up her nose, but Selena is too busy being kidnapped to listen. Realizing Selena has vanished, Demi goes searching, but is interrupted by Chelsea, who freaks out and demands the homecoming crown, then falls in a pool. As you do when you're the villainess in a DCOM, I guess. Demi sees Selena and runs up to stop her, the general grabs Demi instead, and opens the door to his helicopter. But Selena's dad jumps out and accuses him of kidnapping! It's a sting! Except then he lectures Selena about doing something super dangerous, even though he had to have been in on it, so… huh? It's kind of the least climactic ending ever; no one actually gets kidnapped or even especially menaced, no one gets shot, and the villain goes without putting up a fight. Demi gives the crown to Selena, but a bedraggled Chelsea runs over and demands it. Selena laughs it off, because… Wacky!

And then, back in Fakeonia, everyone is happy and Demi is crowned. The end. So, in conclusion: it turns out princesses aren't just spoiled and superficial after all! They're actually nice and generous and hard working, and totally deserving of your love and respect! But if someone calls you a princess, it's totally an insult.

In closing, have Demi and Selena's music video. At your own risk, though. I am much more favorably disposed towards them as actresses than I was before watching the movie,* but that good will doesn't extend to their singing.

* Well, mostly towards Demi; I already enjoyed Selena quite a bit.

Image source.

It's like bringing sexy back, except not. With a sandwich.

2009-07-09T22:43:00.003-04:00

Jess: So apparently Mitchel Musso is legal today. You gonna go for that? I know you want to.
Becky: Ooooh, Mitchel.
Jess: With his pointy face and his Ally Sheedy hair...
Becky: You know, I appreciate that he's making awkward cool again.
Jess: Okay, I'm gonna go blog that now.

Bonnie: Right!

2009-07-08T23:24:00.008-04:00

The Harry Potter kids count as tween stars, right? Well, I say they do.

I can remember when the trio was first cast, staring at these kids and gaping at how unbelievably young they looked. I mean, look at their little faces:

But they're growing up! Every time I pass a Half-Blood Prince poster I am startled by the sudden appearance of Man Felton. I'm still trying to get used to Man Radcliffe and Emma, who doesn't look like a grown-up quite yet but is maturing gracefully into a lovely older teen and proudly taking on the role of the one who always looks nicely put together while everyone else schlubs out confusedly. (Rupert, meanwhile, simply grows more Ruperty. This year he is Rupertier than ever.)

And, because Ginny is my favorite (no letters, please), I have paid especially close attention to Bonnie Wright, which is why I was especially disappointed in this:

OH BONNIE HONEY NO. A bagged-out long-sleeved black shirt, ill-fitting dark jeans, and inexplicably sandals? A necklace that adds nothing, plum lipstick, and a ponytail that makes me suspect you were actually jogging five minutes ago? You can do better! (So can Jessie Cave on the left there, but I don't actually have the strength to tackle that one.) She looks like me, circa 1999, on a drizzly April day when I had no clean clothing and a math test first period, but I had the excuse that it was 1999 and I wasn't attending a film premiere or whatever they're attending here. I can't help feeling like Emma is looking directly at me with that tired expression, saying "I know, Jess, I know. I tried to tell them! Stylists! Tailors!" Emma understands me.

So, of course, I was thrilled to see this:

OH BONNIE HONEY YES. This picture is ten miles of leg and ten miles of hair and ten miles of sass. I love it.

But the truly embarrassing thing is that as soon as I saw this picture, I actually said - out loud! - "See? You're such a pretty girl!"

So apparently, because I've watched her grow up, I think I am her mom.

In which case, I should probably tell her to stay away from Man Felton. That kid looks like trouble.*

*Not a commentary on Draco/Ginny, seriously, NO LETTERS I MEAN IT.

"The Gay One"

2009-07-07T17:46:00.005-04:00

Towleroad: The old joke is that absolutely every boy band has one gay member--

Nathaniel: [Laughs] Some have two!

So when Jess and I did our write up of V Factory, we were basically joking about Nathaniel being The Gay One. It's definitely an archetype, particularly in the post-Lance era, but we were basically saying that with absolutely nothing to back it up. (See also Thomas of Varsity Fanclub.)

But, turns out, we were right! We hadn't seen this interview yet, or reference to it on the official site or on the fansite we checked out, but sure 'nuff Nathaniel Flatt is gay and out.

Jess said awhile ago of 90s boyband Boyzone that it was kind of cool that, in their reunion, they had their The Gay One singing his ballad to a dude, but, "I mean, it's less groundbreaking than it would be if an up-and-coming boy band did it, but there are no up-and-coming boy bands (more's the pity, and no, the Jonas Brothers do not count), so I'll take what I can get." Well, now we've got an Official Boy Band Watch on officially, and we've got an up-and-coming group with an out member.

And yes, it remains pretty awesome. Here's that link again. Nathaniel definitely makes a good showing for himself, and is both charming and insightful, so thumbs up for him and for V Factory.

Also, turns out he may just be doubling up archetypes as The Hot One.

Daily Dose of Adorability

2009-07-01T21:31:00.001-04:00

...It's for horses you know.

OTWOBBW: Varsity Fanclub

2009-06-29T18:56:00.006-04:00

Our second boy band on offer is Varsity Fanclub. We don't know whether they came up with their name before or after V Factory came up with theirs, but someone should have done a little asking around first. It's like if Lou Pearlman had sat down with his second batch of fresh-faced Orlando-ites and said, "Okay, for you I'm thinking Frontstreet Boys." Also, what the hell does "Varsity Fanclub" mean?

Image: Well, it ain’t good. Everything about Varsity Fanclub is unappealing. It looks like someone sanded them all down with a fine-grit sandpaper, then dropped them into Panic at the Disco’s castoff wardrobe, after it had been dyed neon colors. The amount of shriekingly bright scarves, skinny jeans, ruffly or low-cut shirts, and terrible, terrible vests is appalling, and the one in the trucker hat has apparently not twigged to the fact that “trucker hat” is shorthand for “douche.” It doesn’t help that at least three of them are seriously unattractive. Yes, that’s shallow and mean, but come on, this is a boy band. 1 out of 5.

Archetypes: Jayk, by virtue of his misspelled name and trucker hat, is clearly The Bad Boy. However, he is also the incredibly unappealing one who we hate, so that’s sad for him. Drew Ryan Scott, he of the three first names, is The Little Blond One, but one does not suspect, by looking at him, that he will pull a Carter/Timberlake and become The Heartthrob. The Heartthrob is kind of up in the air right now; it used to be Thomas, who also appears to be an aspiring gay porn star (see below), but he has since left this train wreck of a band, presumably to star in gay porn. Way to go, Thomas. (He also gets points for listing DuckTales as his favorite movie, even though it’s not a movie.) He has been replaced by another guy named Thomas, or T.C., but Varsity Fanclub’s terrible, terrible website still only has pictures of Thomas 1.0 on it, so we cannot speak to T.C.’s role. Bobby, who has the gratifying credentials of having appeared on Veronica Mars, may be the new Heartthrob, or possibly The Shy One, based only on the fact that he looks kind of like a normal dude and not a lunatic. And then there’s David, who we forgot about until we counted, which makes him The Other One. Surprisingly, 4 out of 5.

(Thomas may also have been brewed in the same genetic experiment that created Drake Bell and Zac Efron. We are investigating.)

Music Video: You'll have to click the link, as VFC's ex-record label has disabled embedding. Because why would a record label want one of their music videos to be easily disseminated? You know, this is actually a great boy band video. They’re wearing silver on some futuristic set with girls admiring but not touching them, there’s choreography, they introduce them all, Thomas winks and all the confused middle school boys feel funny…it’s great. Unfortunately, they’re really unappealing, so although the video contains all the ingredients for entertainment, it falls flat in execution. Also, there’s a “dance break” towards the end that appears to come from another song entirely. 3 out of 5.

Personality: On the Varsity Fanclub website, there’s a tab for comedy videos. It doesn’t work, because the Varsity Fanclub webmaster should be fired. But if you look on their YouTube channel, you can find a video of Drew Ryan Scott lip syncing to a terrible, terrible song called “I Hope You’re Not a Man,” about how gross it would be if you accidentally danced with a man and/or ugly woman in a dark club instead of a hot chick. And, you know, it’s good that Varsity Fanclub realizes that they need to put out footage of themselves being likable and funny. Unfortunately, they are incapable of being likable and funny, and Drew Ryan Scott’s performance comes off as simultaneously homophobic and offensive, while also the gayest thing that has ever happened in a boy band, including Lance Bass coming out. This is a pretty good example of how awful the whole band is (except for Bobby, who seems like just some dude). Also, they are already at a point where they are suing their label, and their album has been delayed a couple of times, and they’ve replaced a member, and their website doesn’t work, and basically the whole thing is an insufferable train wreck. 0 out of 5.

Oh yeah, the music: So boy bandy. Way more so than V Factory; they almost sound like a parody of a boy band, like 2Ge+her or Kim Possible’s Oh Boyz. Or, you know, O-Town, who were basically a parody. (Don’t tell them that.) The voices we heard on the three songs available on the website were seriously not good, but the music itself was pretty catchy. Sung by a JC Chasez or a Brian Littrell, it would be in frequent play on our iPods. 2 out of 5.

Bonus hilarious lyrics: “I think I gotta get your hair right/ Loosen up, you’re so tight/ Baby come on (Let me in tonight)/ You got me lost inside your circus/ You got me feeling nervous/ Baby come on.” GEE I WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT?

Final Score: 10/25. They divided up nicely into archetypes, but that’s because they were put together by somebody who knows boy bands. Don’t let the not-completely-abysmal score fool you, though – we hated them.

OTWOBBW: V Factory

2009-06-28T21:43:00.006-04:00

First up is V Factory. And really, we can’t give you a better introduction than Wikipedia can: “The members have yet to confirm what the ‘V’ stands for. Wesley Quinn, in an interview with Popstar! Magazine, stated that ‘the V is a hidden meaning between the five of us.’ He also states that the meaning will come out like the FedEx box in the movie, Cast Away, which stars Tom Hanks.”

Image: Well, they certainly look like a boy band. Flipping through their gallery made us nostalgic for the late 90s, so thumbs up to that. The cuteness quotient could be higher, but that’s their Svengali’s fault, not theirs. They’re smart enough to put the Cute One front and center at all times, and vaguely coordinate the outfits, but they’re striving for legitimacy too much right now, what with the moody backlit promotional photos and Hoodies of Despair. They need more primary colors and jumping on each other. Fake legitimacy can come later. 3 out of 5.

Archetypes: Asher is clearly The Heartthrob, as he is the cutest and the lead singer. He will heretofore be referred to as “Ash Kash Bigash.” Wesley, who is little and blond, is The Little Blond One. Look out, Ash Kash: history indicates that he will eventually usurp your position (see also Carter, Nick; Timberlake, Justin). At first we thought Nathanial was The Other One, but after seeing him list He’s Just Not That Into You as one of his favorite books and Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List as one of his favorite TV shows, he has been upgraded to The Gay One. Nicky T. has the boy bandiest name; he’s usually wearing a tie and/or cardigan, which makes him The Responsible One. (Also, he was apparently a member of Quest Crew, which is pretty hardcore.) And finally, Jared, though apparently the “template” on which the band was based, appears to serve no purpose. Sorry, Jared. You’re The Other One.

Missing: The Bad Boy. Hurry up, Jared! It’s not too late! We also have yet to identify The Funny One, so start short sheeting the others’ beds. 3 out of 5.

Music Video: Nothing to write home about. They seem to have misread their audience, because twelve-year-olds don’t want you grinding in a dystopian bunker, they want you frolicking in a meadow (see above). The dancing, too, has a goofily joyous quality that smacks of HSM, which is appropriate for a cheerful musical about singing and basketball, but not for a faux R&B song playing in a club made out of a converted bomb shelter. They have also made the rookie mistake of allowing a sexy girl to actually touch them in their first video. I assure you that if V Factory makes it big, that girl will be receiving countless death threats on Hello Kitty stationary. 2 out of 5.

Personality: We did watch a video of Asher spilling a milkshake on himself and Nicky T laughing his ass off at him while Nathanial broke into song and the other two pretended not to know them, so that was entertaining. There’s potential for endearing BFFness/bromance, which is vital for boy bands, but they will need to step it up withthe wacky interviews – possibly ones in which they argue over who has the messiest bunk on the tour bus. Also, Nathanial is super gay, which we like. 4 out of 5.

Oh yeah, the music: Vocally, nothing too impressive, but on “Love Struck,” which is clearly intended to be their big single (and is inexplicably two words), they have managed to obscure the weakness of their singers with judicious application of almost every button on the soundboard. It’s hard to tell whether whoever’s singing lead on “Love Struck” is genuinely better than whoever’s singing lead on the other three song clips on their site – or even whether it’s a different guy – but it certainly sounds a bit better, by which we mean less nasal. There has certainly been no effort made to showcase anyone’s vocal performance, which makes us suspicious that there is nothing to showcase. 3 out of 5.

Bonus hilarious lyrics: "She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad..."

Final Score: 15/25. Out of the various boy bands we’ve looked at, they appear to have the best lineup and the best chance, but they’re lacking the crucial element of looking like they really are having fun. Smile, boys. Your tweens demand it.

The Official Tweenage Wasteland Official Boy Band Watch

2009-06-28T20:36:00.002-04:00

In the late 90s and early 00s, your bloggers were hardcore boy band fans. For the past few years, we have missed seeing groups of three to five clean-cut young gentleman dancing in unison to catchy, inoffensive pop hits. But, like the swallows returning to Capistrano, boy bands are a cyclical phenomenon, and we’ve been watching for warning signs that they are making a comeback.

There are several boy bands out there now, still in the embryonic stage, but ready to dance for your amusement. And so Tweenage Wasteland is proud to present the Official Tweenage Wasteland Official Boy Band Watch, in hopes that boy bands will soon be tearing up our hearts, and the dance floor, once more.

We’ll be rating these groups in five categories: Image, Archetypes, Music Video, Personality, and Oh Yeah, The Music.

Image is, of course, the most important aspect of a boy band. Don’t lie and say it’s the music. It’s what strikes you visually when you first encounter the band. Good image makes you want to find out more.

Archetypes are very important. 2Ge+ther famously delineated the boy band archetypes as The Heartthrob, The Cute One, The Shy One, The Bad Boy, and The Older Brother, but there are other equally valid ones like The Old One, The Funny One, The Other One, and most importantly, The Little Blond One. Take a moment to think about it. You recognize these archetypes. A boy band does not require all of them, but it does require a good sampling of the key ones, and clear delineation of who is who.

The Music Video is self-explanatory, and also key – less so now that Total Request Live is no longer a cultural zeitgeist, but still very important.

Personality is what comes after Image. It’s what makes you fall in love with a band, or make you want to leave nasty comments about them on their YouTube channel.

Oh Yeah, The Music. Whatever.

So put on your 98 Degrees T-shirt, turn on “I Want It That Way” on iTunes, and stay tuned for the Tweenage take on the latest wave of boy bands.

Morning Open Letter

2009-06-26T08:58:00.004-04:00

Dear Zac Efron,

PULL UP YOUR GODDAMN PANTS.

Yours,
Becky

Via Ocean Up. Also baffling: At some point while putting gas in his car, Zef switched out his trucker hat for his trademark "I'm an enormous tool!" wool cap. And if these pictures are in chronological order, he then switched back. I guess he's just loves that devoted to looking like a tool.

Tweenage Wasteland

Moving Day

Friday Flashback: Boyz II Men

Perfection.

"My name is Makenzie, and I'm 25 and three quarters."

Maybe he's gunning for a role in the Gilligan's Island remake.

blast from the past

Sparks Flew. Like, a year ago. Whoops?

whaaaaat

Maybe there's just a breeze at head height.

A Second Look at Victorious

Friday Flashback, and a Discussion Question

A Fairly Decent Movie: I'm As Surprised As You Are, Timmy Turner!

did me old ears hear someone singing a birthday?

Teen Choice Awards Employs Time Travel, Breaks Space-Time Continuum.

A Challenger Approaches

There's something familiar here...but what?

It's better than bad: It's Good.

Big Time DVD

So, what do you think?

Didja hear me say that?

It's funny because it's true.

The Long-Lost Sprouse Triplet!

OTWOBBW: Big Time Rush

Hey, she's old enough to get this reference!

In fairness, it really was so random.

Give me an H! For "homoerotic"!

I've decided to call it "lumberjack chic"

I swear we've covered this before.

I'm sorry, Zef...

Friday Flashback: 'Nsync

Friday Flashback: 2ge+her

In case you forgot, we still hate the Jonii

Are you tired of being told you can't meet your cute teen idols?

Step Up 3Disappointment.

Friday Flashback

Bieb Still, My Heart

Hey there, Boo Boo! Wait, what?

Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, 'cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

Because it's been awhile...

Down on Klickitat Street.

WHAT WHAT WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT

I've got this low center of gravity. You can't knock me over.

Friday Flashback: Backstreet Boys

Open Letter VIII

Leave it to Bieber

Victorious! No, Wait, the Other Thing. Failure.

WHAT

Hey Hey, We're the Big Time Rush

So *That's* What a Justin Bieber Is

Kids' Choice Awards 2010: I Didn't Actually Watch Them

From the Bad Idea Files

Who woulda thought that a boy like him...

A Winning Strategy

Obligatory Post

We need to talk.

I'm so starstruck. Where "starstruck" means "bored."

Friday Flashback: Judy Garland

Zac Efron and Sterling Knight: Like Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, In a Way

We really like capslock IMing, okay?

I saved the image as lucastillhairwtf, even.

Bits and Pieces

Maybe We're Being Punked?*

Just when I thought I couldn't love her any more...

A question for the readers...

Miscellanea

Zac Efron is a Lying Liar Who Lies

Bwahahahaha

Zac Efron Wool Cap Watch: #8

Oh, HELL no.

Happy Halloween

I Kissed a Vampire and Was Kinda Underwhelmed By It

No guilt here, just pleasure.

Because it's been awhile...

MAJOR Details

Fame: Pretty Good, ActuaTHEY DID WHAT???

Spoke too soon!

Round Up

Well, I do use Hudge's facial wash...

The Wizards Movie: Who Knew?

So That's What a Justin Bieber Is