Billboard Blues

I work in New York, and every day on my way from my office to the bus station, I walk through the intersection of 7th Ave and 40th St (very near Times Square, for those not up on their NYC geography). Obviously I walk through that intersection on my way to work as well, but on my way from work I'm facing the giant billboards they have up.

A couple months ago one of those billboards was a bunch of celebrities making a pyramid, including Corbin Bleu and Pete Wentz. Corbin was pleasing to me, of course, but Pete Wentz kind of grosses me out, so it was basically a wash.

Then they changed it to the cover of the latest MoFoJoBros album, which, as you can probably guess, made me very unhappy. I try to avoid the MoFoJoBros! I do not need to see them on my daily commute!

This week, it's changed again. It is now Jesse McCartney getting Archie-style lipstick kisses from some girls. And man, you know, if you had asked me last week if there was something that would have irritated me more than having to look at the Jonii every day, I would have been hard pressed to come up with something, but it turns out there is! At least the Jonii are relevant. Jesse McCartney is so irrelevant that I refuse to make a tag for him, and we have two separate tags for Ashley Tisdale.

Look. J-Mac has been pursuing the elusive carrot of fame for like ten years now and never getting any closer. And he ages like a Sprouse (in that instead of looking older he just...ferments). He totally looks like that guy from high school who looked kind of like Nick Carter except he had bad skin and his eyebrows were too close together. This is what happens when you get Lou Perlman to steal you some Carter DNA and then don't refrigerate it properly! It goes sour.

Luckily, in two weeks I'll be moving and won't be walking through that intersection on a daily basis. But I'll still have to go there on Wednesdays when I hit the comic book shop! And so, Billboard Committee of New York, I beg of you to swap this ucky thing out for a different picture. My suggestion: Lucas Grabeel. Holding a kitten.

(Across the street from this billboard is Emily Osment advertising Vanilla Star Jeans. This is much nicer to look at! Emily is about 115% adorable.)

Remember when I posted about things other than the MoFoJoBros?

...Those were the days, huh? Look, I swear I'm working on a HSM3-related posted! It just takes a lot more effort to write something other than straight vitriol! Speaking of which.



So one of the reasons why Most Detestable grosses me out so much is that he is so weirdly smooth -- like, his skin has all been sanded with a fine-grit sandpaper until it glistens in an incredibly unappealing way. I have ranted aloud at Jess many times about how I would prefer for him to never show any skin at all. But as the (gag, retch) heartthrob of the group, Most Detestable is often shirtless or unbuttoned. If I must look at him, I would prefer for him to not just wear a shirt at all times, but if we could get him in, like, a turtleneck, long (loose, not skinny) jeans, high-tops, a ski mask, and a friggin' pair of mittens, that would be best. I do not ever want to see any of his skin. At all. Ew.

My point: in the above picture, one of the Most Detestables is made of wax. And damn, but it's hard to tell which one.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

(Source.)

STFU, MoFoJoBros.

You know, every time I think I can't possibly loathe the Jonii -- from here on out, MoFoJoBros* -- any more, but then somehow I find a way AND I DO.

Ahem.

Want to date Kevin? Save the whining for your friends. "We're not ever really with people 'cause we're always traveling," Kevin said. "And you get on the phone and they're like, 'My day is awful, blah,' and you're like, 'This is not what I need right now!'"

Yes, GOD FORBID your girlfriend want to talk to you about things that matter to HER. Stoner Jonas, you're demoted back to Extra. Now STFU.

Joe has a similar stipulation for his potential love interests. "This is hard, but if they are nagging and annoying, you're like, 'Go away.'"

And yet despite my rather loud nagging of the universe, YOU will not go away. STFU, Most Detestable.

Speaking of collaborations, the dudes recently worked with Disney sibling and "Camp Rock" co-star Demi Lovato on her album. They said it was a great experience — but a little strange. "It was weird writing a song talking about a boy!" Joe laughed. Kevin added, "We were like, 'So this is what girls go through.'"

Yes, congratulations. You wrote a song about "him" instead of "her." You now know exactly what it's like to be a girl. STFU, both of you.

Jess and I have a theory that Adopted is the least detestable because he talks the least. That theory? TOTALLY CONFIRMED.

* Yes, the motherfucking Jonas Brothers, so dubbed by our LJ-feed-reader thatjamiegirl. Brilliant!

WHO AUTHORIZED THIS? SOMEONE NEEDS A BITCHSLAPPING!

A few people may know: I am a big Beatles fan. Srsly. Like, during my spell of 13-hours workdays last week, I looked on the bright side and used it as an excuse to listen to the Beatles canon all the way through. I own numerous Beatles biographies. I've seen Backbeat. I've been the DJ for an all-Beatles radio show, for god's sake.

So no, I never approved of the Target commercials that use mediocre covers of "Hello Goodbye" misspelled as "GoodBuy." (Guess what that song's not about? HINT: BUYING CHEAP PLASTIC SHIT.) But -- sputtering with rage -- the combination of Target commercial + new cover of the song by the GODDAMN JONAS BROTHERS?

I thing steam is literally coming out my ears.*

It's not that the Beatles weren't commercial. They were; Paul McCartney once commented that he and John would sit down and say, "Hey, let's write us a new swimming pool." And it's not that I think the Beatles are too sacred for covering; lots of people do very, very good covers of Beatles songs.

It's the combination of the fucking smarm of a few untalented kids selling shit for a mega corporation. I swear to god, if I ever hear one of them pull the traditional tween star line, "It's like Beatlemania..." (which has always enraged me, every time a boyband says it, even the ones I like) I will throw up.

SO ANGRY.

(Okay. Sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Back to your irregularly scheduled updates about how cute Emily Osment is now.)

* Okay, not literally. But I did yell aloud and stomp around the apartment.

An important IM message.

Becky: I just had to capslock wtf at you because SERIOUSLY, does adopted think he is ORVILLE REDENBACHER

I am so ashamed.

I just accidentally watched an episode of The Wizards of Waverly Place. I've been actively avoiding it, since all the promos look so terrible, Jess hates it, and I'm kind of afraid of Selena's Scary Pageant Baby Face, but--while less charming, since it lacks Tizz or Brenda or Slightly Better Sprouse--it's not actually any worse than The Suite Life's early episodes.

Selena and her Scary Pageant Baby Face are not very talented, but she's a better actress than Miley was in her first season, and unlike HM, they don't actually attempt to make her likable or sympathetic. (Oh, and the obnoxious younger brother reeeeally seemed to be doing his best to mimic Slightly Worse Sprouse, which was funny by accident. I didn't know SWS had a recognizable delivery, but it turns out he totally does.)

And there's a studious, nerdy, incredibly gay older brother who just wants to follow the rules. I really can't resist one of those.

Don't get me wrong, the show wasn't anything even resembling good, but the gay older brother made laugh.

--
In other news, how long as there been a porn-style facial in the opening credits of The Suite Life? I am so incredibly disturbed.