The Long-Lost Sprouse Triplet!

I only heard of it recently, but I won't lie: I'm really looking forward to Disney's Lemonade Mouth, which I guess is basically The Breakfast Club meets Bandslam (but hopefully less hateful in the end). You should know by now that I'm all for groups of teen outcasts coming together to rock out and be friends! Hooray!

Anyway, I just ran across a post about the DCOM's leading lady, Hayley Kiyoko (right), who I know nothing about, but it sounds like she's pretty awesome. She's definitely completely adorable. Except I have to wonder, did they try really hard to make her look like the long-lost Sprouse sister? 'Cause she doesn't in 99% of Google images, and yet.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Uncanny!

Miscellanea

I haven't posted here in forever, have I? I suck. In lieu of actual posts containing the hard-hitting making-fun-of-the-Jonas-Brothers you've come to expect from Tweenage, have some quick links 'n' stuff:

- This picture made me laugh because it's so hilariously emblematic of the HP kids. Bonnie: 16 going on 40. Man Radcliffe: Looking like the world's most formal elfin interior decorator. Emma: Rocking an age-appropriate trend that I would probably loathe on anyone else. Rupert: Looking unaware that the British do not generally make stoner comedies, so he can probably stop being all method about it; also, like a hobo. Tom: Not as cool as he thinks he is. And I don't know who that other dude is.

- Dylan and Cole Sprouse Play Video Games with the Eldery. I seriously thought that was an Onion headline at first.

- Just for Becky: Esteban returns to Suite Life! Set the TiVo!

- Okay, a little making fun of the Jonas Brothers, from the always-fabulous Kate Beaton.

- And finally, in the spirit of the holiday, have some Alyson Stoner, who is far more adorable and talented than Camp Rock would lead you to believe:

A Saturday Night Watching "Wizards on Deck With Hannah Montana"

So the thing is, my sister Rachel does not care about the Disney Channel or tween things. Really. That's why she was the one who initially talked me into watching HSM, and why she watched Camp Rock with us last summer, and why she not only Tivoed Princess Protection Program when I forgot to do it, but actually watched it. And why she TiVoed "Wizards on Deck With Hannah Montana" for me.

So now I am making her watch it! Fun times.

-Alex has dropped from 10 assignments behind to 14 assignments behind in science
Rachel: They only get one assignment a week?

-Justin: "It's ironic that the person who likes school the least…Has to go the most!"
Becky: I like that Gay Older Brother is kind of a dick.

- Parents: "We'll make you go and see all the fun they're having, and then you'll feel bad about yourself! … That's good parenting, right?"
Becky: It's still better than the mom on "The Suite Life."

-Justin: "Look, it's from the teen cruise contest I wrote an essay for!"
Rachel: "Watch while I casually exposit!"

Aboard the SS Tipton…
-Moseby: *is wearing shorts and knee socks*
Both of us: Aaaaaaah!

-Slightly Better Sprouse: *is wearing skinny jeans*
Both of us: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

-Alex: *casts a spell*
Becky: Did she just rhyme "here" with "here"? And why is that an elevator to take them to shore?

-Youngest Russo: "It's one of those clocks for people on to tell the time in their bodies!"
Rachel: Is he brain damaged? Like, actually?

-Slightly Worse Sprouse: "So I hear you're randomly taking people's blood pressure. I'm Zack."
Rachel: That is the best introduction ever.

-Alex: "Ashley Olsen. I can remember that. Ashley… Oh, no. Oh, well!"
Rachel: I think all the Russo children are brain dead!

-Justin: *spit takes*
-London: "That's how you know you're full!"
Rachel: There is no explanation for that line.

Becky: So basically, youngest Russo is just Zack Martin.
Rachel: But somehow dumber.

-Justin: "I'm gonna dump her."
-Alex: "Can I watch?"
-Justin: "I'm not. Going. To cry."
Rachel: Wow, he's a much better actor than this show really calls for.

-Justin: "Would you… Would you go out with a guy who worked in a sandwich shop, and wrote… Stories, and essays…"
Rachel: And fanfic, I'm guessing?

-Not!Tizz (Bailey): *wears horrible yellow pants*
Rachel: OW, MY EYES!

-SBS: *wears white skinny jeans*
Rachel: REALLY????

Rachel: Is it D-Hen's only job to walk around saying angry things? Because I will actually watch that show.

-Miley: *wears purple satin pants*
Rachel: How are EVERYONE'S PANTS worse than the last pair I saw?

-Justin: *takes his shirt off*
Becky: I find the fact that D-Hen is actually ripped really disconcerting.
-Justin: *is now covered in blue*
Rachel: You could just take off the latex suit.

-Justin: "This is Alex, I know my sister!"
-Moseby: "This is Zack, I know my hooligan!"
Becky: Awww, Zack is his hooligan.

-The show: *makes no sense*
Rachel: It's sort of like a middle school play.

-Zack: "Isn't there something you'd like to say to me? That rhymes with 'I'm … florry?'"
-Moseby: "You're flannoying?"
Rachel: I thought he was going to say, "You're a bad rhymer."

-Youngest Russo: "I'm never going to wash that cheek again."
Rachel: What, no "You've never washed that cheek before!" joke? How do you miss that beat?!

-"Hannah Montana" episode: *is unwatchably boring*
Becky: Why is the Hannah Montana episode so much less manic? And more dull?
-Suite Life characters: *all enter*
Becky: That actually improves things.
Rachel: Where did the Wizard kids go?

-Zack: "I've got chocolate shirtcake!"
-Hannah: "I don't like chocolate."
-Zack: "That's okay. I've got vanilla in my pants pocket…"
Rachel: SO INAPPROPRIATE, OMG.

Rachel: Who's that other kid? … Wait, that's Oliver in a stupid wig. Why so many stupid wigs on this show?

Rachel: I like how it's clear Billy Ray just couldn't be bothered to go to the set to film and that's why all of his scenes are in bed.

-Not!Tizz: "Did you do this?"
-Cody: "Bailey, if this relationship doesn't have honesty, it doesn't have anything. … Yes, I did."
Rachel: See, it's funny because he's lying to his girlfriend.

Becky: Well… that was dull.
Rachel: Instead of going wacky, they tried for pathos. On "Hannah Montana."

In conclusion…

Rachel: So Slightly Better Sprouse is dead in the middle of his awkward phase, huh?
Becky: For five years now.

The end!

If I never see the Sprouse brothers sucking yogurt again, it will be too soon

1. So, like, when did the Sprouses' voices change? Because I'm not okay with it. It throws off my whole view of the world!

2. Horrified and intrigued by these vocal variations, I YouTubed a random episode of The Suite Life on Deck, which I have never seen, and linked Becky to it. Now, we've tried to make it clear before on this blog that we are not, in fact, the same person, but I'm suddenly afraid that might be a big lie.



Jess: I just put on an episode of Suite Life on Deck to see if their voices have changed there too
Jess: And Cody is GAYING IT UP. I know you are shocked.
Jess: "Don't worry, I went with the musk hand sanitizer."
Becky: well, he is reeeeally gay
Becky: wow, their dad is inappropriate
Jess: Isn't he the grossest?
Becky: aaand Carrie is wicked inappropriate, too
Jess: Hee, I was just about to say!
Jess: Oh, Moseby.
Becky: awww, Moseby
Becky: aww, London!
Jess: AHAHAHA "What size pony do you ride?"
Becky: "I'll give you the best birthday ever! ... What size pony do you ride?"
Jess: SAME BRAIN
Becky: "...by the way, you're the only one who accepts them."
Jess: UM. CODY GAVE STRANGERS HUG COUPONS.
Jess: SAME BRAIN AGAIN.
Becky: SAME BRAIN
Jess: HEE
Becky: are they planning to drive that around...the...boat?
Jess: Why did their father buy them a tiny car TO DRIVE ON A BOAT
Jess: We are freaks
Becky: braintwinny freaks!
Jess: I will not be watching any more of this episode, btw
Jess: It is dreadful
Becky: nor will I!
Jess: My whole brain just keeps screaming "BUT THEY'RE ON A BOAT"
Becky: WHY are they on a BOAT?
Jess: NO ONE KNOWS

So apparently we are one entity, split among two bodies for purposes unknown. At least when it comes to the Sprouse twins.

The Suite Life on Deck

So I watched the premier of the Suite Life on Deck.

It's... really bad.

Like, it's so bad I'm not sure I can convey in mere words. Let's go to the points system:

• Sightly Better Sprouse is still kind of darling, and Slightly Worse Sprouse has actually improved somewhat! +2
  
• Brenda Song is still incredibly adorable! +1
  
• Somehow, though, they've removed everything endearing about London -- she was always shallow and dumb, but mostly oblivious and not selfish. Now she's just horrible on every level. -2
  
• Cody is still adorably, awkwardly gay, barely subtextually gay. +1
  
• Zach is still really, incredibly, extraordinarily hateful. -1
  
• Carrie has been written off! Thank. God. +1
  
• She's been replaced by an awful wacky teacher, who is somehow a worse actress, and more annoying. -1
  
• No Ashley Tisdale to hold the show together by falling down a lot. -5
  
• No Arwin or Esteban. Who knew I liked them until they were gone? -1
  
• The old mediocre peripheral characters gone, replaced by entirely new mediocre peripheral characters. 0
  
• The occasional actually amusing, well-delivered line: +1
  
• Moseby! Oh, come on. He's always been the best thing about the Suite Life. +2
  
• The Suite Life continues its tradition of plenty of farting, burping, and pooping jokes. -1k
  
• All the sexism from the original Suite Life made the jump to sea. -1million
  
• Plus a heaping helping of racism, with potential for plenty more as the twins explore wacky foreign cultures! -1bajillion
  

...Like I said. It wasbad. Why can't we just have a wacky show where Brenda, SBS, and Phil Lewis (Moseby) hang out being endearing? I'd watch that!

I'm slightly ashamed, but...

Though The Suite Life on Deck seems like the worst idea ever -- and also, hey, the Sprouse twins' voices finished changing! And they grew a couple inches! They look less like weird mutant children now! -- I will admit that Cody standing on the bow of the cruise ship yelling, "I'm the king of pre-calculus!" actually made me giggle.

Disney Channel Games

So this blog may be having interesting effects on my life, because I'm paying a lot more attention to the various Disney kids than I used to. Which means, in short, that when I watched the Disney Channel Games, I not only knew who most of the kids involved were, but I also had a serious preference for which team I wanted to win.

Specifically, the red team. Because first, their captain was Brenda Song, who is like my favorite ever. They also had Jason Earles and Mitchel Musso Sandwich Boy, both of whom I enjoy quite a bit. On the down side, they had the HaraGossip Girls from Camp Rock, but like in Camp Rock, they had basically no screen time. Not even inexplicable songs at the end! And, of course, they were saddled with a Jonas. But at least it was Least Detestable.

The team I liked least was the green team, which featured both Most Detestable Jonas and Slight Worse Sprouse. There was no one else I cared about either way on it -- some sidekicks from various shows, including Guy Whose Hair Goes to the Right (Jason Dolley), but since only Most Detestable and SWS ever appeared on camera, there was nothing to redeem the team.

Everyone else was split up pretty evenly. The blue team had Demi Lovato. Once upon a time, the amount of irritation Demi causes me would have been canceled out by adorable Alyson Stoner, but I'm still mad at Alyson for sucking as hard as everyone else in Camp Rock. But on the up side, they had Shin Koyamada, who is absolutely adorable and costarred with Brenda in Wendy Wu, which is one of my favorite DCOMs. And they had Slightly Better Sprouse, who was just as awkwardly non-athletic as you would imagine.

Yellow had less to it: Selena Gomez and her Scary Pageant Baby Face -- though I've become oddly somewhat fond of her, Extra Jonas, Kyle Massey (who I fail to find charming, but I don't detest), and Moises, who seems less detestable as himself than when he's playing a character.

For me, the highlight of the game was definitely Sandwich Boy and Jason Earles pattering at one another (Mitchel playing guitar, and Jason complaining about it) because I have long maintained that I really like all of the non-Hannah or -Robby Ray characters on that show, and by extension, have become fond of the actors. Then they teamed up to score four goals (or something like that) in human-sized foose ball. (Then they got their butts handed to them by the French guy, which was pretty awesome, too.)

Lowlight of the games was the sibling rivalry game, where the Sprouses, Jonii, and Cheetah Girls ('cause... they're siblings, I guess) had to play against one another. Most Detestable and SWS were on a team together and won, and proved in the process that they were just as horrible as they always come across. Yuck.

Overall? The games try to hard to be charming and zany. I miss the HSM kids, who are now too good for this shit, and wish there had been fewer performances by the Jonii, because, well, my feelings on the Jonii are well known. But on the other hand, if they had Disney Channel Games every week, I would totally tune in.

I am so ashamed.

I just accidentally watched an episode of The Wizards of Waverly Place. I've been actively avoiding it, since all the promos look so terrible, Jess hates it, and I'm kind of afraid of Selena's Scary Pageant Baby Face, but--while less charming, since it lacks Tizz or Brenda or Slightly Better Sprouse--it's not actually any worse than The Suite Life's early episodes.

Selena and her Scary Pageant Baby Face are not very talented, but she's a better actress than Miley was in her first season, and unlike HM, they don't actually attempt to make her likable or sympathetic. (Oh, and the obnoxious younger brother reeeeally seemed to be doing his best to mimic Slightly Worse Sprouse, which was funny by accident. I didn't know SWS had a recognizable delivery, but it turns out he totally does.)

And there's a studious, nerdy, incredibly gay older brother who just wants to follow the rules. I really can't resist one of those.

Don't get me wrong, the show wasn't anything even resembling good, but the gay older brother made laugh.

--
In other news, how long as there been a porn-style facial in the opening credits of The Suite Life? I am so incredibly disturbed.