"My name is Makenzie, and I'm 25 and three quarters."

Toddlers & Tiaras with Ashley Tisdale from Ashley Tisdale

As much as I love Tizz, I'm actually kind of glad Hellcats was canceled, because maybe she'll go back to being comedy. And you guys, she is HILARIOUS.

Give me an H! For "homoerotic"!

Although late to the party, we have finally watched Hellcats, Tizz's new show on the CW (which I have been anticipating with a somewhat embarrassing eagerness), and oh my God, you guys, it is gayer than High School Musical.

Like, okay, it's a CW show and exactly as mediocre and overwrought as that implies, but Tizz and Aly Michalka (of Aly and AJ...I'm sorry, 78violet fame) spent every second they were onscreen together looking like they were about to start making out furiously. Or tenderly. Or flexibly. (No, wait, only the stunt doubles are that flexible.)

See?


The plot so far goes like this: Aly thinks cheerleading is stupid until Tizz almost slaps her and Tizz is impressed by Aly's fast hands; then they move in together and Aly declares that she's a bottom. Then Tizz gives Aly a neck rub!

Everything I just said is true.

There are other things that happened on the show - douchey friend, alcoholic mom, super-Christian family - but frankly, the LesYay is why we're going to keep watching the show. Hooray for LesYay!

Bits and Pieces

Some things that have turned up in Google Reader/been sent to me lately:

#1: Exclusive: Metro Station to revive 60s TV show The Monkees

Whut.

So... the elder Cyrus and Musso siblings want a TV show, too. But it's unclear if it's going to be a remake of the Monkees (Trace Cyrus as Mickey Dolenz? Mason Musso as Peter Tork?) or if it's going to be, basically, Hey, Hey, It's the Metro Station. The article doesn't clarify, just says, "They hope to replicate the classic Monkees series," and:

"We thought it would be cool to show everyone what we do in Metro Station. People want to see the reality of being in a band and the life you live doing that.

"Everything would be scripted because reality shows are kind of done."

So, Mason, not the smartest Musso, huh?

And… check me if I'm wrong, here, but a scripted wacky show about a modern band? Um… Yeah, I don't watch the show for the obvious reason, but isn't Disney currently doing that, and isn't it called Jonas? And, for that matter, Hannah Montana? I get that these dudes are hoping to buy some fame from their younger siblings, but yeesh. Leave the Monkees out of it, guys. They did nothing to deserve this.

#2: Speaking of TV, someone we like! Ashley Tisdale Syncs Producer Deal with RelativityReal

Tizz has her own company, Blondie Productions, which is talking with RelativityReal about, one assumes, a reality TV show. Now, on the one hand, I have to assume Blondie Productions was behind the godawful mess that was Picture This. On the other hand, if it's a low-budget reality TV show about Tizz and her very tall boyfriend? I will TiVo the heck out of it.

Bonus Tizz news! She has ditched the extensions and finally is back to her real, actual (albeit obviously dyed) hair. And it is totes adorable. See?



#3: Obligatory Zac Efron News

Because Zac Efron gets photographed a lot, I know he's now see the movie Avatar twice. Both times with Vanessa, the first time with V and her little sister, Stella. I'd like to think that happened like this:

V: But Zac, I promised Stella I'd spend time with her and I don't want to miss seeing you, too…
Zef: Cool. As long as I can wear a wool cap.

Which he did.



And that, friends, is how we get Wool Cap #9. It's pretty similar to #4, except this one looks a little thicker and has vertical ribbing.

No guilt here, just pleasure.

One of the (many) reasons I love Tizz is that she just keeps getting better. She was vaguely endearing when The Suite Life of Zack and Cody started; she wound up being the apparent glue that held the show together, since The Suite Life on Deck is unwatchable without her. She was one of the only tolerable actors in High School Musical; by High School Musical 3, her background eyerolls were more entertaining than anything in the nonsense plot. And while her debut album, Headstrong, was an embarrassment all around, Guilty Pleasure, her sophomore effort, is…really, really fun. Who knew?

This is first and foremost because Tizz sounds surprisingly good. Gone is the squeaky, Hilary Duff-esque Tizz of the past; this is a strong, grown-up voice, one that can actually belt and convey multiple emotions, something only a couple of her peers can do. It’s a continued growth from her surprisingly good (albeit sadly truncated) singing performance in HSM 3. Hey, remember how we all scoffed at her “deviated septum” story back when she had her nose job? It might actually have been true, because she sings much more powerfully and less nasally now. I know, I can’t believe it either!

The songs themselves are, for the most part, decent. Most of them tend to run together – there’s 19 on the album, and a good five could have been cut without a noticeable change to the content. They all tend to follow a basic formula of “purred verse, bridge, shouted chorus, rinse and repeat,” as if whoever wrote them was taught to adhere to song structure as rigidly as Elizabethan sonnets, but they’re definitely listenable. The whole album is also seriously 80s-inspired; the title track in particular sounds like it was once recorded by Paula Abdul in her heydey. Others, like “Crank It Up,” sound more current, where “current” equals “like a lost track from Britney Spears’ Circus.”

There are, however, some standouts. There’s only one really bad song, “How Do You Love Someone,” but its caterwauling melodrama is really bad. And the otherwise unremarkable “Time’s Up” is notable for bizarre lyrics like “We’ve squeezed the fruit ‘til there’s no more juice left” and “This cake’s already baked.” Uh. What?

On the other hand, there are some really bright, fun songs: “It’s Alright, It’s OK” is a great kiss-off song, “Hot Mess” is endearingly, well, messy, and “Switch” is bouncy good times. On the rather lovely ballad “Me Without You,” Tizz delivers a vocal performance I wouldn’t have guessed she was capable off, moving effortlessly from whispered vulnerability to a belt that reaches to the cheap seats. And “Hair” is hands-down the best song on the album; the lyrics are clever (well, if you ignore the part where she says “unperfect”), Tizz’s singing is strong, and the whole thing has a lilting, unusual cadence that I just can’t get enough of.

This is not the next Abbey Road, or even the next, say, Oops! I Did It Again. But it is a good, strong, fun album, and gosh darn it, I’m proud of Tizz. Keep it up, sister! You keep defying my expectations, and that’s just fine by me.

Round Up

Some brief happenings, mostly but not exclusively featuring the HSM alum crowd, because even as HSM's stranglehold on tween culture fades, they remain my favorites:

* Lucas Grabeel (and Drew "Singing Voice of Zac Efron" Seeley) are making a musical vampire love story webseries.

* Tizz is blond again! For the most part, she's been looking awesome lately, but at the Fame premier, not so much.

* Corbin's motocross movie finally premiered. Meanwhile, The Beautiful Life-Colon-TBL also premiered. Thing I love about it: Corbin wandering around with no pants on. Things I am bored to tears by: virtually everything else. Alas.

* And finally, Sterling Knight gets a DCOM scheduled for next year. Hooray! (And yes, I read Popstar Online for this blog.)

And because what the heck, it's Friday, have a flashback:

O-Town: Liquid Dreams

Not gonna lie. I watched every episode of their two seasons of Making the Band.

Aliens in the Attic

I mentioned a couple of times that Jess and I were excited for Aliens in the Attic, La Tizz's first post-HSM3 cinematic offering. Excitement levels skyrocketed when we found out Josh Peck, Jess's Inappropriately Young TV Crush, was one of the voice actors. So, while we didn't quite make it opening day, we did catch it last weekend. Here's the rundown: Math-and-science nerd Tom Pearson (Carter Jenkins) is none too happy about spending his summer vacation with his family, particularly his bully of a cousin (Austin Butler), his perfect older sister (La Tizz), and her jerk of a boyfriend (Robert Hoffman), but the summer takes a turn for the even worse when the kids discover that a scouting expedition for an alien invasion has landed on their roof.

So how was the movie? Let's go to the points system!

Physical Comedy: The repeated guy-gets-hit-in-the-nuts gags were overdone (did you know aliens have testicles? you do now!), but Robert Hoffman's performance as the sleezy boyfriend under alien mindcontrol was amazing. And Tizz fell in a lake! We love when she does that! +10

The moral: Math is cool! It's good to be smart! Don't hide who you are! +5

Poor execution of the moral: No one stops halfway through a fight to draw a parabola and do math problems before shooting at the enemy. That's not how aiming works. -5

Wacky alien romance subplot: What was this? Why did it happen? It was clumsy and the gender politics made my skin crawl a little. -10

Josh: Jess's Inappropriately Young Tween Star Boyfriend did a decent job as the nice alien, but was underutilized in Jess's opinion, in that he didn't have all the lines. +10

Nerdy Protagonist: He did a perfectly serviceable job in a completely by-the-numbers role, but was most enjoyable when the story forgot he had an emotional arc because he was busy fighting aliens. +2

Austin "Hey, It's That (Tween) Guy!" Butler: He was reasonably amusing in his brief appearances on Hannah Montana and iCarly, and is pretty genuinely hilarious in this as the slacker cousin who gets a leeettle too cheerfully Full Metal Jacket on the aliens. His "It's the po-po!" was probably the funniest line in the movie. +10

Little sister: Of course the little girl (who, with Tizz, is outnumbered 2-to-1 by boy cousins) is the gentle, nurturing one who befriends the nice alien. The idea that boys are devoid of compassion and girls are nothing but is a stereotype we have had more than enough of, but it was hardly a surprise. But this poor kid suffers from Webby Vanderquack Syndrome: she looks about eight, but sounds and acts about four. It's meant to be cute but just makes her come off as mentally deficient. - TEN THOUSAND.

The twins cousins: Were even more forgettable than the Sprouses. 0

Surprising star power: Tim Meadows, Kevin Nealon, and Andy Richter were all in this movie. +10

But they didn't do anything: Like, at all. -5.

The Actual Plot: Holds together reasonably well, despite some flaws (like frequently forgetting the parents exist, and the alien invasion plan not making much sense). +5

And finally...

La Tizz: She is well-cast as the sassy older sister in love for the first time, and does a kick-ass job in the role. She's endearingly vulnerable when the plot calls for it, but she is not going to put up with any crap - not from her brother, not from her boyfriend, and certainly not from aliens. Her comedic timing is spot-on, and her hair actually looks like it grew out of her head instead of being placed there by third-rate wigmakers! And speaking of kick-ass, after this movie, I want her as my plus-one in case of zombie apocalypse. +1 MILLION

TOTAL: 990,032. In other words: if you really love Ashley Tisdale, go see this movie! Otherwise, you're probably okay waiting for it to show up as a FOX Saturday Afternoon Movie.

A fervent prayer

According to Just Jared Jr. (my faviest blog in the world, at least for tweeny things), Tizz has gotten a tattoo. But no one knows what it says! This here is our closest look at it so far:


please say Bet On It please say Bet On It PLEASE SAY BET ON IT

OH TIZZ HONEY...actually, hey.

Some years ago, Becky called me to talk about this blond girl on the Disney Channel named Ashley Tisdale. "She's on this horrible show about twins in a hotel that I can't stop watching," she told me. "Why are they trying to make her the new Hilary Duff? She's too old and she's not funny."

Somewhere around this time my baby sister forced me to watch the first High School Musical. Tizz was one of the more watchable aspects of it, but I hated the movie so deeply* that I came out of it with just as unfavorable an impression of her as Becky's.

Then, somewhere along the line, we fell in love with her.

I can't vouch for Becky, but for me it was her "Kiss the Girl" music video. This might seem strange to those of you who know that The Little Mermaid is my favorite Disney movie, and that I hate all other covers from it (do not even get me started on Miley's "Part of Your World"). But the pop take on it is so bouncy and infectious, and though Tizz's voice has the grasping squeakiness that has characterized so much of her singing career, I absolutely adore the fact that, despite the lyrics, she's the one who asks Inoffensive Music Video Cutie to dance, and she's the one who kisses him (chastely, of course).

It helps that Tizz has become a vastly better actress in the intervening years, particularly comedically-speaking. (Some of her nonverbal background facial expressions in HSM3 are more entertaining that anything Vanessa Hudgens has done in the entire trilogy.) Plus, somewhere along the line Lucas seems to have taken her aside and explained to her how to belt, and how to put across emotion and motivation in a song; her performance in "I Want It All" in HSM3 is leaps and bounds ahead of any of her previous musical endeavors.

The problem with Tizz is that she doesn't seem to know how to play to her strengths. She's a sharp-voiced, sharp-faced, sharp-witted Jewish girl from New Jersey, and she's trying to be America's Sweetheart. But Tizz, honey, you will never be Reese Witherspoon. You will never be Julia Roberts of ten years ago, or Meg Ryan of twenty. You are a young Barbra Streisand without the pipes, and you need to be making goofy farces like What's Up, Doc? where you fall down a lot. (My fondest wish: to see Tizz and Josh Peck make a series of zany comedies together where they bicker, fall into pools or decorative fountains, and make out. I WILL PAY YOU MONEY FOR THIS, HOLLYWOOD.**)

Nowhere is Tizz's lack of self-awareness more evident than in her music career to date. Her debut album, Headstrong, was pretty much awful, all squeaky dance pop and hype. At times it was actually embarrassing to experience. "Suddenly" is a perfect example of this: it's all about how very famous Tizz is now and how it's weird, but a) she's not actually as famous as she thinks she is, at least not among people who've graduated from middle school, and b) she doesn't actually have to voice to pull off the song.

So when I heard she was releasing another album I cringed. OH TIZZ HONEY NO. Learning to belt aside, this is not the thing you are super good at! The thing you are super good at is issuing a sassy putdown and then getting hit in the face with a cake!

...But then I heard the song.



It's kind of...good? And she kind of...kicks ass in it? I...I'm so confused. What is this strange new world we're living in? Somebody hold me!

It's almost a relief to note that the photoshoot for the album is embarrassing. High-waisted skirt, sheer ripped shirt, dead eyes, bizarre bordello-esque background, inability to pick a font and stick with it, and a graphic designer having a little too much fun playing around in Photoshop...yeah, it's pretty much a mess. This cover is definitely in the OH TIZZ HONEY NO category.

...On the other hand, the "guilty pleasure" thing is a reference to herself. Maybe there's some self-awareness after all.

Picture from MissTisdale.Net.

*Contrary to what this blog might imply, I do in fact hate High School Musical! Except when I don't. If HSM and I were in a relationship, my Facebook status would be "It's complicated."

**Becky and I have already plotted out two of these. WE ARE THAT INVESTED IN THIS BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL IDEA.

A Good Career Choice

Ashley Tisdale's last non-HSM movie choice was... er... bad, to say the least. So I am reasonably pleased to post the following:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Which, okay, doesn't look great or anything, but since Jess and I have a thing about teenagers saving the world, and it can't be worse than Picture This, I'll take the goofy, computer-animated aliens happily, thanks.

The idiotic tween-themed thoughts that fill my mind.

The dorky madness that pervades my brain generally isn't enough to make a full post out of, but here are a couple of things I've thought recently:

1. "Instead of putting The Suite Life on a boat, they should have done it with the High School Musical franchise. It still would've been terrible, but we could have called it HMS HSM, and how fun would that have been?"

2. "'Ashley'? Oh yeah, Tizz's first name is Ashley! It's been so long since I called her anything but Tizz that I had genuinely forgotten that her parents probably didn't christen (Jewen?) her Tizz Tisdale - which clearly shows a lack of foresight on their part."

Truly, I am a font of wisdom.

Countdown to HSM3: The Top 10 Things We'd Like to Say to the Cast

10. "Anyone who plays an East High faculty member, right on down to the principal and the pregnant science teacher: Stop. Just stop. You're a terrible actor and no one likes you. Go away."

9. "Monique, you are super cute and sassy. We should be BFF. Call us!"

8. "Manley (director Kenny Ortega's dog, who plays Sharpay's dog): man, what is your life like? Cheetohs for dinner and watching Anchors Aweigh every night, am I right?"

7. "KayCee, CALM THE HELL DOWN."

6. "Baby V, you need to stop singing through your nose. Also, you need to stop calling yourself Baby V."

5. "Okay, Kenny, you're not technically a cast member, but whatevs. We appreciate the homoeroticism in everything you make. Keep up the good work! But maybe let the HSM thing end while it's still joyously bad, before it becomes just plain old bad."

4. "Lucas, you are way too good for this shit. You should pretend you don't know that, though, because because this shit is the primary reason you're going to go on to have a decent career, so don't behave like a jackass."

3. "Corbin, honey, someday all those tingly feelings you get around cute boys - and your love of leopard print - will make sense."

2. "Tizz. All the plastic surgery in the world will not turn you into Reese Witherspoon. You are smart and funny and you need to give up on the Rom Com Princess dream and start making a career that works for you. Might I suggest teaming up with Josh Peck to make a series of wacky comedies penned by a couple of bloggers? Just throwing that out there!"

1. "Oh, Zefron. Perhaps you should consider more movies where you are not singing and especially not dancing. Because you are very, very bad at dancing. AND DO NOT MAKE A FOURTH MOVIE. NO MATTER WHAT FRANCHISE THEY PROMISE YOU. IT IS CAREER DEATH."

And in the spirit of getting things off our chests...

Countdown to HSM3: Sharpay's Top 10 Kick Assiest Moments

10. While playing golf, Sharpay almost kills Chad. Twice.
Jess: Now, we love Chad. But Sharpay's gleeful sociopathy disguised as completely insincere clumsiness is hilarious. Could Gabriella get away with this shit? No, she could not.
Becky: Basically, Sharpay is a mastermind in sunglasses and heels, and part of the reason she kicks ass is simply how much fun she has when she wins.

9. You Are the Music In Me
Becky: And she's a mastermind with vision, at that. Sharpay knows what she loves -- upbeat numbers, lots of props, lots of dancing -- and in this "duet" she puts that to work. She may want Troy, but he's essentially just another prop.
Jess: Since Troy is essentially a cardboard cutout, it's wonderful to see Sharpay treat him like one.

8. "Golly, Troy!" [Gabi impression]
Becky: There is nothing passive aggressive about Sharpay. She is refreshingly straight forward in her disdain for the rest of the student body.
Jess: It helps that her impression is dead on. (Troy's plans for the summer include DOWNLOADING MUSIC, you guys. Somebody drown him.)

7. Sharpay signs up for auditions with a giant signature
Jess: It leaves pretty much no room for anyone else, which is fitting: after Sharpay, who else is there?
Becky: Anyone who joins drama will have to take a backseat to Sharpay, and she'd like for everyone to know that instantly. It's amazing Gabriella made it through all of Twinkle Towne without a mystery assailant breaking her kneecaps, frankly.

6. Sharpay gives Ryan the Star Dazzle Award (even after he screws her over)
Jess: Okay, this isn't Sharpay being gloriously bitchy. We have hearts, and we're touched that while Sharpay loves herself, she loves her brother just as fiercely.
Becky: She may need the occasional reminder that Ryan is more than just her sidekick, and here we see that she does love him -- and that she respects people who stand up to her.

5. While yelling at Troy: "Oh, we can all hold hands around the campfire later." And also, "A duet is two people! In this case mostly me."
Becky: Let's face it: because she's got so much more character than most other characters, Sharpay gets a lot of the best lines.
Jess: And again, her depiction of the shmaltzy all-in-this-together mentality of the other characters (oh, did you see what I did there?) is dead on.

4. Being higher than Ryan at the end of Bop to the Top
Jess: Yes, Sharpay loves her brother. No, she's not going to let him outshine her.
Becky: Luckily, at least in this case, Ryan doesn't mind. He's too busy shaking his hips and ass.

3. "Everybody QUIET!"
Becky: Everyone -- EVERYONE -- does what Sharpay says.
Jess: What will happen if they don't? We don't know. But it will be TERRIBLE.

2. What I've Been Looking For
Jess: Sharpay (and Ryan) show the world how it's done. This is pretty much the only song in either HSM movie so far that actually looks like it belongs in a musical.
Becky: Sharpay may be a scheming, sociopathic diva who'll cut anyone who gets in her way...but she's also a talented performer who far outshines her competition. You aren't supposed to like Sharpay's version of the song better, but I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't.

1. "Gimme a beat!"
Becky: Come on. If you could employ a minion to provide you a proper strutting beat whenever you exited a room, you would. Don't lie.
Jess: The world of High School Musical might only be set to music because Sharpay deems it should be so. I would believe this!

Oh Tiz, honey, YES

I only just heard about this movie, but let me say, I am SO PSYCHED.

Can't be any worse than "Picture This." And aliens! Hooray!

The Suite Life on Deck

So I watched the premier of the Suite Life on Deck.

It's... really bad.

Like, it's so bad I'm not sure I can convey in mere words. Let's go to the points system:

• Sightly Better Sprouse is still kind of darling, and Slightly Worse Sprouse has actually improved somewhat! +2
  
• Brenda Song is still incredibly adorable! +1
  
• Somehow, though, they've removed everything endearing about London -- she was always shallow and dumb, but mostly oblivious and not selfish. Now she's just horrible on every level. -2
  
• Cody is still adorably, awkwardly gay, barely subtextually gay. +1
  
• Zach is still really, incredibly, extraordinarily hateful. -1
  
• Carrie has been written off! Thank. God. +1
  
• She's been replaced by an awful wacky teacher, who is somehow a worse actress, and more annoying. -1
  
• No Ashley Tisdale to hold the show together by falling down a lot. -5
  
• No Arwin or Esteban. Who knew I liked them until they were gone? -1
  
• The old mediocre peripheral characters gone, replaced by entirely new mediocre peripheral characters. 0
  
• The occasional actually amusing, well-delivered line: +1
  
• Moseby! Oh, come on. He's always been the best thing about the Suite Life. +2
  
• The Suite Life continues its tradition of plenty of farting, burping, and pooping jokes. -1k
  
• All the sexism from the original Suite Life made the jump to sea. -1million
  
• Plus a heaping helping of racism, with potential for plenty more as the twins explore wacky foreign cultures! -1bajillion
  

...Like I said. It wasbad. Why can't we just have a wacky show where Brenda, SBS, and Phil Lewis (Moseby) hang out being endearing? I'd watch that!

OH TIZZ HONEY NO

Meanwhile, Tizz doesn't understand that playing what's become a total joke song straight is a TERRIBLE IDEA. Especially when you can't sing as well as Rick Astley and change the words so that it doesn't rhyme anymore.

Look, I love Tizz more than is sane or healthy, but the girl doesn't make good choices.