Fame: Pretty Good, ActuaTHEY DID WHAT???

Despite my reservations, I saw Fame tonight. It was pretty good! Except for one aspect that was completely infuriating and disgusting and more retrograde and vile than anything shown in the 1980 version. WHOOPS. What follows is a quick, non-spoilery breakdown of the performances, followed by a SPOILER WARNING, followed by the infuriating part. (Although I should point out that Fame, like both the original film and the play, has no plot, so there's not much to be spoiled.)

The Kids We'd Heard of Before: Little Panabaker was quite good! So was Anna Maria Perez de Tagle, who really, really needs a better stage name, but who can apparently do justice to a script that's neither Hannah Montana nor Camp Rock. Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance turns out to be a mediocre actress, but she was also, oddly, a mediocre dancer - technically fine, but nowhere close to the entrancing uber-goddess she was supposed to be. Asher Book of V Factory was definitely the weakest link acting-wise, and though his singing was not bad, he sounded...well, like a member of a boy band, which didn't really fit in with songs like "Someone To Watch Over Me."

The Kids We Hadn't: All quite good! Naturi Naughton is rightfully going to get a lot of praise for her voice. None of the others were real standouts to me, but they all did very well.

The Grownups: Should have had more to do - at least, Bebe Neuwirth, Kelsey Grammer, and Megan Mullally should. They didn't have much to do besides expose the soft fleshy underbellies of their students, and Megan's one song was a disappointment, but they captivated the viewers' attention (particularly Bebe) in a way these wet-behind-the-ears young actors haven't yet learned to do. (And one scene made me want epic fanfiction about how Kelsey Grammer's character is in love with Megan Mullally's. I DON'T KNOW.)


And now, for the part that pissed me off...


SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER


Little Panabaker and Asher Book play aspiring actors who start dating. At a party, Andy, a former student of the school who is now a regular on a TV show, approaches Little, compliments her on a recent performance, and suggests she come by the set to meet the casting director and audition as a day player. He's also clearly into her, although it's not clear if she knows that. She's thrilled at the professional opportunity, and gives him her number. Asher comes in just in time to see her apparently give some guy her number and accept a kiss on the cheek from him, and storms out. She explains what happened, apologizes (even though she didn't do anything wrong), offers to never talk to Andy again if that's what Asher wants, and then placates him by inviting him up to her empty apartment. So...placating the angry boyfriend by telling him he can veto who she talks to and then offering sexual favors (it's not clear how far they go, but they're not going to her apartment to play Parcheesi)? Uh...sounds great.

Then she goes to Andy's set and is invited into his trailer. He tells her the casting director isn't there, but wants them to make a video, and oh, here's a kissing scene in the script - all a very transparent attempt to get into her pants. She doggedly attempts to act the scene a couple of times, but finally realizes (or accepts) that this isn't legit, tells him off, and leaves. Good for her! In the original film, something similar happens but the girl doesn't get the courage to leave, and I was pleased that Little was able to do so.

Next scene: she's telling Asher what happened. She's clearly very upset, and with good reason - she was just betrayed and molested.

He gets mad at her.

His girlfriend was just SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, and he yells at her while she cries that she knew all along what was going to happen, that she was using sexuality to get ahead, and that if being famous means that much to her, fine, he's done. Then he storms off.

Some time later, at a party with mutual friends, she apologizes again for hurting him and asks if they can ever get past it. He doesn't answer, but later in the scene takes her hand, which apparently means that he's forgiven her.

For being MOLESTED.

This movie blames the victim of sexual assault for bringing it on herself. Her boyfriend essentially calls her a slut and a tease and breaks up with her because she was tricked and violated. This didn't happen in the 1980 film, or the 1988 play, when female characters found themselves in similar situations - situations which turned out a lot worse for the girls in question. All they received was sympathy.

No, it's not until 2009 that we're told that a 17 year old girl who trusts a former schoolmate not to take advantage of her is BAD and WRONG for DARING to be alone with a man without her boyfriend's permission. It's not until the 21st century that Fame wants us to join this supposedly likeable, upstanding boyfriend in shunning a girl who has just been through a traumatic experience. It's not until now that we're expected to applaud a steaming pile of misogyny in what is otherwise a pretty decent movie.

Way to take us backwards, Fame. Fuck you.

Baby, remember my name

The latest remake of Fame leaves me with many questions. Is it based on the movie, the stage show, the TV show, or is it just a bunch of kids at a performing arts school with a couple of the more recognizable songs crammed in there? Is it still set at the New York High School of Performing Arts, and if so, does it take place in the 80s, since the NYHSoPA was folded into LaGuardia High School a quarter century ago, and I don't see any painters in the trailer? And perhaps most importantly, what on earth is the point of remaking a movie that's less than 30 years old? I mean, the clothing may be violently late 70s, but the film's central thesis isn't exactly dated beyond recognition.

It's not that I'm in love with the original Fame. I've actually always found it rather boring. But I'm so very baffled by this new one! And vaguely concerned by the veneer of glitz they seem to be laying over it, when the original Fame was more about laying bare the hardwork and agonies of performing - not about the stage, but about the memorization, the vocal scales, the exercises at the barre, the blood, sweat, and tears that go into that fleeting chance to, as the song says, live forever. It's not sparkly.

I am pleased by the cast. Bebe Neuwirth and Debbie Allen are rightfully living legends, Kesley Grammer is an inspired choice, and Megan Mullally will probably surprise quite a few people with her pipes. As far as the kids go: Asher Book is the perfectly acceptable frontman of the fairly decent boy band V Factory, and from what I can tell from snippets of the soundtrack, he is at least vocally pretty much perfect for the part I suspect he's playing (regardless of the version, Fame always seems to have a skinny neurotic white boy actor, although if that's him with the guitar in the poster he may have just thrown my theory out the window). Kay Panabaker (or Little Panabaker, as we call her) has appeared on various Disney Channel stuff, and although our hearts belong to her older sister (Big (Danielle) Panabaker, star of our beloved Sky High), we're down with all Panabakers as a rule. Anna Maria Perez de Tagle (you probably should've shortened the stage name, hon) plays a bitchy sidekick (poorly) in Hannah Montana and a bitchy sidekick (poorly) in Camp Rock. Let's see if she can actually act off a decent script (assuming this movie has a decent script)! Finally, Bitchy Dance Goddess is played by Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance Season 4, who wasn't our favorite, but at least we know she can dance, which is not always the case in these kinds of movies, Zac Efron.

So cast-wise I am cautiously optimistic. But...listen to those soundtrack snippets again, or at least the second and last ones, the snippets of the title song. "Fame" is not a laidback, groovy dance tune. It is not cool. It is not patient. It is an explosion of ambition and joy and excitement, of dancing on taxis and demanding attention. It is this:



I don't care what you do to the plot, NewFame, but give me that uncontrollable longing bursting out of every student in that school, or you and I will have some very harsh words.

Disney Channel Games

So this blog may be having interesting effects on my life, because I'm paying a lot more attention to the various Disney kids than I used to. Which means, in short, that when I watched the Disney Channel Games, I not only knew who most of the kids involved were, but I also had a serious preference for which team I wanted to win.

Specifically, the red team. Because first, their captain was Brenda Song, who is like my favorite ever. They also had Jason Earles and Mitchel Musso Sandwich Boy, both of whom I enjoy quite a bit. On the down side, they had the HaraGossip Girls from Camp Rock, but like in Camp Rock, they had basically no screen time. Not even inexplicable songs at the end! And, of course, they were saddled with a Jonas. But at least it was Least Detestable.

The team I liked least was the green team, which featured both Most Detestable Jonas and Slight Worse Sprouse. There was no one else I cared about either way on it -- some sidekicks from various shows, including Guy Whose Hair Goes to the Right (Jason Dolley), but since only Most Detestable and SWS ever appeared on camera, there was nothing to redeem the team.

Everyone else was split up pretty evenly. The blue team had Demi Lovato. Once upon a time, the amount of irritation Demi causes me would have been canceled out by adorable Alyson Stoner, but I'm still mad at Alyson for sucking as hard as everyone else in Camp Rock. But on the up side, they had Shin Koyamada, who is absolutely adorable and costarred with Brenda in Wendy Wu, which is one of my favorite DCOMs. And they had Slightly Better Sprouse, who was just as awkwardly non-athletic as you would imagine.

Yellow had less to it: Selena Gomez and her Scary Pageant Baby Face -- though I've become oddly somewhat fond of her, Extra Jonas, Kyle Massey (who I fail to find charming, but I don't detest), and Moises, who seems less detestable as himself than when he's playing a character.

For me, the highlight of the game was definitely Sandwich Boy and Jason Earles pattering at one another (Mitchel playing guitar, and Jason complaining about it) because I have long maintained that I really like all of the non-Hannah or -Robby Ray characters on that show, and by extension, have become fond of the actors. Then they teamed up to score four goals (or something like that) in human-sized foose ball. (Then they got their butts handed to them by the French guy, which was pretty awesome, too.)

Lowlight of the games was the sibling rivalry game, where the Sprouses, Jonii, and Cheetah Girls ('cause... they're siblings, I guess) had to play against one another. Most Detestable and SWS were on a team together and won, and proved in the process that they were just as horrible as they always come across. Yuck.

Overall? The games try to hard to be charming and zany. I miss the HSM kids, who are now too good for this shit, and wish there had been fewer performances by the Jonii, because, well, my feelings on the Jonii are well known. But on the other hand, if they had Disney Channel Games every week, I would totally tune in.

Camp Rock Night: A Night of Pain

Starring your bloggers, Jess and Becky, with special guest star Becky's Sister Rachel.

Did you watch Camp Rock? We did!

Do you bitterly regret it? We do!

The plot, such as it is: Demi Lovato rilly rilly wants to go to Camp Rock, but her parents can’t afford it – until her mother takes a job working as the chef there, yays! Meanwhile, “rock star” Shane Gray, a.k.a. Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, is…teaching classes at the camp? Which he used to attend? To clean up his “bad boy” image that he earned doing unspecified bad things? Whatever. Even though Alyson Stoner is ready to have gay sex with Demi the minute she walks into the camp, Demi wants to be accepted by the popular kids, consisting of a blond alpha bitch and her HaraGossip Girls, so she lies and tells them her mother is a bigshot music exec in China. Also, PGL hears her singing and falls in love with her voice, but can’t find her anywhere! Oh noes!

Demi doesn’t put up with PGL’s shit and he finds that refreshing and they fall in love, or something. There’s also a scene where she covers her face in flour to disguise herself, and it’s never made clear whether he knows it’s her or not. It’s really, really stupid. Blondie finds out the truth about Demi’s mom and reveals it to the camp, and frames her for stealing Blondie’s charm bracelet, which seems like overkill to me, but whatever. It does get Demi banned from the big end-of-summer performance competition. One of Blondie’s sidekicks tells Blondie to go fuck herself and then wins the competition, and then Demi performs her Big Song, and PGL forgives her for lying about being rich and they hold hands. The end!

7:54 Becky has already screamed "Oh my God I hate you" at Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, and the movie hasn't even started yet.

7:58 A preview for Camp Rock plays, just in case you somehow didn't know what was going to be on now.

Rachel: Now I know the whole movie.

7:59 The CR kids are sitting around in a room. A Jonas is playing the bongos.

Rachel: Bongos? Really? The bongos?

Jess: What is on Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas's head?

Becky: A cockatoo?

8:00 We open with an establishing shot of a beautiful suburban house.

Becky: Isn't that the house where Troy lives?

Demi wakes up, smiles with all eight million of her teeth, puts on a CD, and jumps around.

Rachel: Who still makes mix CDs? Who doesn't just download mp3s? Oh, I guess Miss Perky Pajama Pants doesn't.

Jess: She's not as endearing as she's trying so hard to be.

Becky: But she's genuine. You can tell because she's a brunette.

8:02 PETER GALLAGHER-LOOKING JONAS'S NAME IS SHANE GRAY?

Rachel: Hee hee hee! Look at the moody Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

8:03 Demi wants to go to Camp Rock.

Mom: We just can't swing it right now.

Becky: Really? Because I saw the exterior of your house.

Rachel: But they're just renting it from the Boltons.

Demi: Gotta go, last day of school.

Rachel: Why it always the motherfucking last day of school?

8:05 Demi goes to school for no reason and hangs out with her friend, Worst Friend Ever.
Worst Friend Ever: *is the worst friend ever*

8:06 The mom is the cook for Camp Rock now, so Demi's going to Camp Rock!

Becky: Wouldn't they have known about this MONTHS in advance?

Rachel: What ninth or tenth grader wouldn't be mortified by having her mom be a chef at the rock and roll camp she wants to go to?

Now we're at Camp Rock. Surprise!

Becky: Why did that kid just do a backflip?

Jess: Children are gyrating. I find it disconcerting.

8:09 We meet the camp director. He's Australian, so we'll call him Oz.

Oz: I'm a former member of the [band name we don’t quite catch].

Jess: The WHITE Crows?

Rachel: The WET Crows?

Oz: *pretends to be important*

Mom: You know Aerosmith?

Rachel: He doesn't know Aerosmith! He doesn't know ANYONE! Well, he might know the Jonas Brothers. Do not sleep with him.

Demi bumps into the villain of the piece.

Evil Blonde Girl: *is evil*

Becky: You, madam, are no Sharpay Evans.

Adorable Alyson Stoner shows up. Usually we love her, but she's terrible in this movie, I guess to make everyone else feel better. She's a dancer, so they decided to showcase her skills by making her…a music producer.

Alyson: (on Blondie) She's the diva of Camp Rock.

Jess: "And I'm clearly the eclectic outsider!"

Rachel: How is there only one diva at a performing arts camp?

8:12 A way-too-excited woman introduces herself as…Dia La Duke, I’m pretty sure. Some boys appear out of nowhere and start dancing.

Becky: Oh, I get it! It's a crack hallucination!

Rachel: Those shorts certainly are.

8:13 They’re making PGL Jonas teach at camp, for some reason.

PGL: I don't want to spend my summer at some stupid camp! I'm SHANE GRAY, for crying out loud!

Rachel: Never have eyebrows emoted so hard.

Extra: This is where Connect Three connected.

That line: *was amazing*

Extra: Oh, and can you make me a birdhouse or something?

Jess: Is he stoned?

Rachel: He's totally stoned!

Jess: He's my new favorite!

8:18 Demi is snubbed by Blondie and her friends.

Becky: So she's sad because she doesn't get to be a snotty bitch?

Rachel: No, she has to go play piano alone in a room somewhere, so PGL can overhear her and spend the whole summer being like "BUT WHO?"

8:19 Extra and Adopted Jonas drop PGL off at camp.

Jess: They left? They just left him?

Rachel: They hate him too!

8:21 Demi goes to play piano alone in a room somewhere. PGL overhears her.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh till they cry*

8:23 Some random girl sings a song at one of Camp Rock’s nightly impromptu performances. It’s terrible.

Jess: Film rant time! If you open the movie with a non-diagetic musical number, the diagetic ones that follow will all look like drug trips. Although I supposed these outfits don't help that.

8:25 Plot: *craps itself all over the screen*

Here follows a ten minute discussion of how Disney doesn't understand class issues. Basically people whose father owns a hardware store and whose mother runs her own catering business and who live in a beautiful suburban mini-mansion are not tragically poor, and even if they were, no one would react the way they do in this movie.

8:27 Ashley from Hannah Montana is basically continuing to play Ashley from Hannah Montana, except this version can sing (for definitions of “can sing” that mean “cannot sing”). Why won’t Disney let Asian girls be smart? Do they think they are fighting prejudice this way or something?

Mom: Can you believe none of these cookbooks have recipe for chili for 300?

Rachel: You don't know how to make chili?

Jess: You don't know how to multiply?

Becky: You're a caterer and you've never cooked for a large crowd before?

8:29 Jess: WHY IS EVERYONE SO GREASY?

8:30 Blondie’s mommy doesn’t love her.

Jess and Becky: Awww.

Don’t worry. We still don’t like her. Also…

Jess: What the fuck kind of bunk has glass windows and throw rugs?

8:32 Rachel: I hate this movie.

Jess: What happened to the Jonas who was abandoned in the woods? Has he been eaten by a bear?

Rachel: He's still in that room yelling "BUT WHO?"

8:33 Rachel: Okay, Alyson Stoner has a thing for Demi, right?

Becky and Jess: Yes.

Alyson: So your music - is it any good?

Rachel: "I love you."

Alyson: So I'll see you around.

Rachel: "I love you."

8:34 PGL Jonas is cruelly awoken by Oz, who tells him he has a class to teach in five minutes.

Jess: Ugh, the Jonas is in his underwear.

Oz throws water on PGL.

Rachel: Ugh, now the Jonas is wet and in his underwear.

8:36 Oz: Don't argue with finger.

Your Reviewers: WHAT?

Becky: I liked this scene better when it was in Sister Act.

8:38 Demi has her OH MY GOD SHE’S SO TALENTED WE HAD NO IDEA LOL moment. (She isn’t, actually, that talented.)

Becky: She sings like Miley acts in the first season of Hannah Montana, where no one told her there was a difference between acting and yelling.

Jess: This scene has killed me. I'm dead now.

8:39 Demi is “working” (for the same definition of “work” employed (ha!) by the HSM kids) in the kitchen. PGL walks in.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh for ten minutes*

Demi: *covers her face with flour for NO GODDAMN REASON*

PGL: *yells at her about his very important food allergies*

Rachel: He's not gonna recognize her later because she's not going to be covered in flour. I just want to make sure you guys know that.

Becky: Also, he has very important food allergies.

Jess: There's nothing manlier than important food allergies.

Becky: And tight white jeans.

Rachel: Well, you could probably fit a finger in there.

Jess: Why would you say that to us? People you supposedly like?

8:44 PGL heads off to teach his class.

Rachel: Wasn't his class ages ago? Days ago?

8:45 The “class” begins.

Rachel: Bring back stoned Jonas! I want to know more about the birdhouse.

PGL’s Pants: *make Your Reviewers cover their eyes*

8:46 Becky: Okay, they painted those pants onto him, and it's not okay. Those aren't even jeans. They're leggings with pockets.

Jess: PGL can't dance. Why are they doing this horrible routine?

PGL: *is suddenly so gay for some drumming kid, what the hell*

8:50 Mom: *apparently wants Demi to date girls, okay*

8:52 Rachel: Blondie is the extremely low, low rent Amanda Bynes.

8:55 Girls: *throw spaghetti at each other for no reason*

Rachel: No one has any sauce for this spaghetti. They should complain to the caterer.

Oz: *uses the Finger*

Jess: Is he going to make the three of them spend the rest of the summer in the isolation cabin and then they're going to discover that they're twins?

8:57 PGL sings a stupid song to Demi.

Becky: Full of hate full of hate full of hate full of hate…

Jess: Who is singing backup with him? Are they on the lake?

Becky: The other Jonii are naiads!

Jess: I want them to paddle by in kayaks, singing.

Rachel: Okay, but this makes no sense, because the scene before was totally incoherent. She was like "That's good," and he was like "WHAT THAN MY STUPID COOKIE-CUTTER POP MUSIC?" and she was like "I like that music" and then he was like I LOVE YOU. Also, why did she go over there with her guitar in the first place? He clearly didn't want to jam with her.

Jess: PGL and Demi can't jam together. They can EAT jam together.

[Pause to wash dishes and order food. The timestamps are now totally inaccurate. Sorry.]

9:16 Jess: Do they not know it's summer? Because everyone keeps wearing boots.

Demi is mean to Alyson, but redeems herself by also being mean to Blondie.

Rachel: What an odd moral. We learned that it's okay to be mean as long you're mean to everyone. Then you get to date a Jonas Brother, which I guess is God's punishment to you for being mean to everyone.

9:19 Alyson (who got punished for sauceless spaghetti-throwing by being forced to work in the kitchen and DISCOVERED DEMI’S SECRET ZOMG) and Demi are blowing up balloons and laughing. Demi ditches Alyson for Blondie. Alyson’s balloon deflates.

Jess: Aw, sad lesbian balloon.

Becky: Wait, so Alyson does work and Demi totally doesn't?

9:21 The other Jonii show up! Well, via the phone.

Stoner Jonas: How's my birdhouse coming?

Your Reviewers: YAY!

Stoner Jonas: I want more birds in my -

Jess: WHY IS ADOPTED WEARING A SPEEDO?

Meanwhile, back at camp…

PGL: BUT WHO? *grabs the Little Drummer Boy* Hey buddy, want to do me a favor?

Jess: Is it a SEX FAVOR?

Rachel: Is it “be my boyfriend?”

Becky: Is it “put your penis in my butt?”

Jess: Oh man, now he's making the whole camp BUT WHO? Hey, that one girl's at camp for Tambourine. "Yeah, I majored in Tambourine at camp."

Rachel: "I'm a camp legend."

9:25 This love story is intolerable.

9:28 The other Jonii finally show up at camp.

Becky: Oh, thank God, Stoner Jonas is back.

9:32 Becky: So we have Jonas Who Knows Things, Jonas Who Doesn't Know Things, and Jonas Who's an Asshole?

Blondie: So tell us about your mom again.

Alyson: Oh, her mom's a good person. What's your mom like, random dancer?

Random Dancer: *with thinly veiled contempt* She's like…a mom.

That: *is the best non-birdhouse-related line in the movie*

9:36 PGL’s heart is broken because Demi’s NOT RICH. He pretends not to care.

PGL: I don't want to get sidetracked with liking someone anyway.

Jess: He's never going to like anyone ever?

Rachel: Well, he is Jonas Who's an Asshole.

9:38 Everyone hates Demi!

Jess: Well, she did pretend to be rich. That is the worst thing you can ever do.

9:39 Everyone forgives Demi, because she’s talented.

Jess: So the moral of the movie is "It's okay not to be rich, as long as you're talented."

Demi: I'm a good person!

Jess: THAT'S A LIE.

9:45 It’s time for Final Jam! Yay, I guess.

Becky: Oh hey, that's where Corbin did double dutch!

9:50 Oz talks.

Jess: I have no idea what he just said, but I hated all of it.

9:55 Blondie performs after being deserted by her ethnic sidekicks.

Jess: Why is she dressed like an ice skater?

9:56: Oz: Margaret Dupree!

Ashley from Hannah Montana: Who's Margaret Dupree?

Blondie’s Moody Black Sidekick: I am.

Becky: Wait, did she not have a name before?

A montage: *IS THERE FOR SOME REASON WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK*

Becky: Did she have an emotional arc we missed?

Rachel: I'm telling you, every single person is in a different movie!

There are like ten songs in a row.

Jess: Okay, musicals aren't supposed to have ALL THE SONGS IN THE SAME PLACE.

10:01 Demi sings! Like omg!

PGL: Gasp! BUT WHO? IS YOU!

10:02 They “sing” a duet.

Becky: So at least PGL is used to lip synching. That was me burning the Jonas Brothers.

Jess: Oh. I thought you meant back when only Nick was famous and he would sit alone in his room, crying and mouthing along to Nick's Christian rock album wishing he was Nick.

Becky: We know way too much about the Jonas Brothers.

10:05 The movie is finally, mercifully over.

Becky: This makes High School Musical look like…

Rachel: Singin' in the Rain?

Jess: That was worse than White Wolves, the standard by which all bad movies are set. Wow.

Becky: There was not one good thing you could say about it. That was a failure in every conceivable way.

So there you have it, folks. Camp Rock: The Worst Movie Ever. We suffered, yes – but we did it for you.

Meet the Jonii

People often ask me who the Jonas Brothers are, and why they should hate them. “Jess,” they said, “who are the Jonas Brothers, and why should I hate them?” [Note: This may never have actually happened.]

“Because they’re despicable,” I say. “Despicable!”

“Do you have pictorial evidence of such despicability?” they ask me.

“Do I!” I say. It is rhetorical. Of course I do! And with the much-anticipated Camp Rock premiering this Friday night (and being liveblogged right here at Tweenage Wasteland!), I feel it is high time I shared that evidence with you.

The Jonas Brothers used to be real boys:


See? They could be those guys in your math class. The one on the right looks kind of like an asshole, but whatever. Mostly they are just some boys.

But oh, that did not last.


This is one of their albums. I think it's their second one, but I don't actually care. Now we can really Meet the Jonii.

On the left, we have Extra Jonas. He is a completely superfluous Jonas, hence the name. Extra, as you can see, thinks he is a cowboy. He is incorrect.

In the middle, we have Adopted Jonas, also known as Least Detestable Jonas. He's also the only one we ever refer to by his name (Nick) because he is least detestable. Most of the time, like here, he's just a guy wearing a shirt and maybe holding a guitar. He never dresses up like Zorro or a gay futuristic swing dancer. He's just a guy in a shirt. (He is also not adopted, as far as we know. We just call him that because we can tolerate him, and not the other two, so clearly they do not share the same genes!)

And on the left, we have Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, also known as Most Detestable Jonas. I thought that was a coat over his shoulder, but after looking at other pictures from this photoshoot, I'm pretty sure it's a cape. That ought to tell you everything you need to know about Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas.


Then they shilled for Baby Bottle Pops. (Yet for some reason, they seem to think they are hardcore.) Extra continues to think he is a cowboy, perhaps crossed with a cockatoo. PGL pretty much always looks like he's trying to sell me a used car or some hair gel. Adopted Jonas clearly doesn't want to be there.


YOU'RE NOT A COWBOY, EXTRA. PGL looks like the snotty rich kid in a movie who won't let you join the yacht club.


What. WHAT. This is so wrong. (Except for Adopted Jonas, who actually looks kind of endearing to me, although that may just be because he's wearing almost the same outfit as one of my favorite comic book characters did in his 80s heyday.)


You're still not a cowboy, Extra. Oh, and PGL? Liza Minelli called. She wants her jacket back.

...Meanwhile, Adopted's just a guy with a shirt.


GOD, I just want to PUNCH PGL right in his STUPID FACE ALL THE TIME. Extra often has this expression, this "Hey, wow! I'm on the teevee!" face. He also seems to think that if he perms his hair he'll be less detestable, like Adopted, but he's wrong. Both about that, and about those seriously misguided sideburns of his.

...Meanwhile, Adopted's...okay, he's a guy in a rawhide vest, but you get the feeling it wasn't his idea.


Now he's a guy in a shirt way high up!


SO SMARMY. And I'm not a boy, so I'm no expert, but jeans that tight (white jeans? WHITE JEANS?) CAN'T be comfortable. They just can't.


SO FUCKING SMARMY. Cut your hair, flat iron boy.


Extra, on the other hand, just seems so terribly misguided all the time. A blue shirt and an ill-fitting cardigan in a different shade of blue, with a green and pink striped tie and tight turquoise jeans? He looks like the women's section of J. Crew threw up on him. And the perm and the sideburns...it's all very sad.


And why does he keep taking pictures of himself bending over? It's...disconcerting. It's like the cheeriest invitation to sodomy ever.


Even when they make Adopted wear a hat and a vest, he clearly hates it. He just wants to wear a shirt and hold a guitar and have some hair! That's all!

But lest I ever forget that I hate all the Jonii, not just two of them, I have this picture to remind me:


OH MY GOD ADOPTED JONAS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR LEGS? Stacey McGill is gonna be PISSED that you stole her favorite leggings. And you can't tell from this picture, but there's totally a half-naked man, possibly Prince, on his shirt. Um. I think I know why he and Miley broke up now.


And now at last we come to the Camp Rock promo pictures. We all know the drill by now, don't we? Extra thinks he's a cowboy (he's not). PGL thinks he's a rock star (he's not). Adopted is a guy in a shirt with a guitar and some hair. Cinematic wonderment!


Why is PGL wearing one of my mom's DISHCLOTHS from the EIGHTIES as a TANK TOP? It makes me cry in my insides. Also, Adopted apparently thinks PGL smells bad. I bet he's right.

Open Letter

Dear Disney,

Look, I think the whole thing where you have some of your stable of children record a song and do a video and intersperse it with movie clips is a cute, fun way of promoting both the kids in question and whatever horrible DCOM you're hoping they'll watch. But look. I'm already planning to watch Camp Rock, even though it has the Jonas Brothers, who I hate with the fiery passion of a million, billion suns. And I get that you're hoping it will be your next HSM-type hit, and that your goal is to make it impossible for me to stop humming Camp Rock.

But can we please at least keep this shit confined to your own station? I do not need to see the Jonii when I am innocently watching cartoons! Batman: The Animated Series is definitely not enhanced by children chanting, "We rock! We rock! We rock! CAMP ROCK!" Seriously. It kind of ruins the mood.

Love,
Becky

PS: Speaking of the "Disney star/mediocre song/terrible video with clips from a DCOM" formula, I direct everyone to Run It Back Again. Lord knows I love Corbin a lot, but everything about it is bad. Except for the moral, which seems to be, "Corbin is too stupid to open doors." Oh, Corbin.