Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Meet the Jonii

People often ask me who the Jonas Brothers are, and why they should hate them. “Jess,” they said, “who are the Jonas Brothers, and why should I hate them?” [Note: This may never have actually happened.]

“Because they’re despicable,” I say. “Despicable!”

“Do you have pictorial evidence of such despicability?” they ask me.

“Do I!” I say. It is rhetorical. Of course I do! And with the much-anticipated Camp Rock premiering this Friday night (and being liveblogged right here at Tweenage Wasteland!), I feel it is high time I shared that evidence with you.

The Jonas Brothers used to be real boys:

See? They could be those guys in your math class. The one on the right looks kind of like an asshole, but whatever. Mostly they are just some boys.

But oh, that did not last.

This is one of their albums. I think it's their second one, but I don't actually care. Now we can really Meet the Jonii.

On the left, we have Extra Jonas. He is a completely superfluous Jonas, hence the name. Extra, as you can see, thinks he is a cowboy. He is incorrect.

In the middle, we have Adopted Jonas, also known as Least Detestable Jonas. He's also the only one we ever refer to by his name (Nick) because he is least detestable. Most of the time, like here, he's just a guy wearing a shirt and maybe holding a guitar. He never dresses up like Zorro or a gay futuristic swing dancer. He's just a guy in a shirt. (He is also not adopted, as far as we know. We just call him that because we can tolerate him, and not the other two, so clearly they do not share the same genes!)

And on the left, we have Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, also known as Most Detestable Jonas. I thought that was a coat over his shoulder, but after looking at other pictures from this photoshoot, I'm pretty sure it's a cape. That ought to tell you everything you need to know about Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas.

Then they shilled for Baby Bottle Pops. (Yet for some reason, they seem to think they are hardcore.) Extra continues to think he is a cowboy, perhaps crossed with a cockatoo. PGL pretty much always looks like he's trying to sell me a used car or some hair gel. Adopted Jonas clearly doesn't want to be there.

YOU'RE NOT A COWBOY, EXTRA. PGL looks like the snotty rich kid in a movie who won't let you join the yacht club.

What. WHAT. This is so wrong. (Except for Adopted Jonas, who actually looks kind of endearing to me, although that may just be because he's wearing almost the same outfit as one of my favorite comic book characters did in his 80s heyday.)

You're still not a cowboy, Extra. Oh, and PGL? Liza Minelli called. She wants her jacket back.

...Meanwhile, Adopted's just a guy with a shirt.

GOD, I just want to PUNCH PGL right in his STUPID FACE ALL THE TIME. Extra often has this expression, this "Hey, wow! I'm on the teevee!" face. He also seems to think that if he perms his hair he'll be less detestable, like Adopted, but he's wrong. Both about that, and about those seriously misguided sideburns of his.

...Meanwhile, Adopted's...okay, he's a guy in a rawhide vest, but you get the feeling it wasn't his idea.

Now he's a guy in a shirt way high up!

SO SMARMY. And I'm not a boy, so I'm no expert, but jeans that tight (white jeans? WHITE JEANS?) CAN'T be comfortable. They just can't.

SO FUCKING SMARMY. Cut your hair, flat iron boy.

Extra, on the other hand, just seems so terribly misguided all the time. A blue shirt and an ill-fitting cardigan in a different shade of blue, with a green and pink striped tie and tight turquoise jeans? He looks like the women's section of J. Crew threw up on him. And the perm and the's all very sad.

And why does he keep taking pictures of himself bending over? It's...disconcerting. It's like the cheeriest invitation to sodomy ever.

Even when they make Adopted wear a hat and a vest, he clearly hates it. He just wants to wear a shirt and hold a guitar and have some hair! That's all!

But lest I ever forget that I hate all the Jonii, not just two of them, I have this picture to remind me:

OH MY GOD ADOPTED JONAS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR LEGS? Stacey McGill is gonna be PISSED that you stole her favorite leggings. And you can't tell from this picture, but there's totally a half-naked man, possibly Prince, on his shirt. Um. I think I know why he and Miley broke up now.

And now at last we come to the Camp Rock promo pictures. We all know the drill by now, don't we? Extra thinks he's a cowboy (he's not). PGL thinks he's a rock star (he's not). Adopted is a guy in a shirt with a guitar and some hair. Cinematic wonderment!

Why is PGL wearing one of my mom's DISHCLOTHS from the EIGHTIES as a TANK TOP? It makes me cry in my insides. Also, Adopted apparently thinks PGL smells bad. I bet he's right.


Rebecca said...


And by the way, I have totally been asked who the Jonas Brothers are, because people know I know these things. I have also been asked why they are so detestable, but possibly that's because I concluded my answer to the first question with, "GOD I HATE THEM SO MUCH."

Anonymous said...

Well, I like them.
But this was hilarious.