Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, 'cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

Would these two fresh-faced Disney kids go anywhere unsavory?

You know, it's funny. A couple of the tween blogs I keep on my Google reader lit up yesterday with articles about how Zac Efron was in town to premier his new dead-sibling-meets-manic-pixie-dream-girl flick, and also went to In the Heights to see Corbin. D'awww. The blogs explained that they went out together afterwards to catch up. One even specified that they drank mojitos. Cool beans.

And yet somehow, these blogs TOTALLY FAILED to mention that in actual fact, omg you guys, Zef and Corbin WENT TO A STRIP CLUB and dropped TWO GRAND on drinks and dances. OH BOYS. It's like they knew I had nothing to post about and decided to go get lap dances JUST FOR ME.* I dunno, I think it says something about how much I love these kids that I just find this endearing. I react like I do when my cat does something particularly cute: "Awww, who's an adorable widdle heartthrob who wishes he was a grown up? It's you! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Though I think the funniest part might be the mystery insider's comment that their favorite strippers all vaguely resembled Vanessa. Um, should someone tell Zef that he can probably actually can hit that as soon as he gets back to LA? Presumably without spending 2k? I mean, he's dumb, but not THAT dumb, right? "That night, Efron walked the red carpet at the premiere of Charlie St. Cloud. Hudgens was not at his side, although she attended the LA screening last week." Right. Surely that's connected to his stripper escapades, and not because she's busy with another project on the other coast, and also has attended this movie's premier once already. SCANDAL!

But what I'm really curious about is who the mysterious "other male friend" with them was, especially since he was the one spending all the money, it seems. Having grown up on late 80s/early 90s after-school specials, I'm assuming he was the out of character Buster Bunny to their hesitant-but-easily-persuaded Plucky and Hamton. Presumably now that they've tasted the forbidden delights of likker and wimmin, they're also both alcoholics who will die in a car crash, y'know, tomorrow. I bet Hudge will look awesome in a black veil.

So remember, kids! Cartoon All-Stars say don't do drugs! But if you do find yourself drinking in a strip club, please make sure it's at least this hilarious.

* I choose not to speculate about anyone's sexuality in this particular blog post. Feel free to insert your own joke here about how there's very little other reason one or the other or both would be interested in lapdances from the ladies. I'm just sayin'. I mean, not sayin'. I mean…

Spoke too soon!

So you know how this morning I made passing reference to Corbin's new show, The Beautiful Life-Colon-TBL?

Did I mention it wasn't very good? Because it really, really wasn't. Aaaaaaaaaaand, it's already canceled.

Sorry, Corbin. But you're still super-cute, if that helps. Especially when carrying a puppy.

Round Up

Some brief happenings, mostly but not exclusively featuring the HSM alum crowd, because even as HSM's stranglehold on tween culture fades, they remain my favorites:

* Lucas Grabeel (and Drew "Singing Voice of Zac Efron" Seeley) are making a musical vampire love story webseries.

* Tizz is blond again! For the most part, she's been looking awesome lately, but at the Fame premier, not so much.

* Corbin's motocross movie finally premiered. Meanwhile, The Beautiful Life-Colon-TBL also premiered. Thing I love about it: Corbin wandering around with no pants on. Things I am bored to tears by: virtually everything else. Alas.

* And finally, Sterling Knight gets a DCOM scheduled for next year. Hooray! (And yes, I read Popstar Online for this blog.)

And because what the heck, it's Friday, have a flashback:

O-Town: Liquid Dreams

Not gonna lie. I watched every episode of their two seasons of Making the Band.

More on the Kids' Inaugural

It is probably worth noting that I didn't actually check the schedules or list of performers for any events at the inauguration. So when it comes to the Kids' Inaugural We Are the Future Ball, I only heard what made headlines -- the Jonii and discussion of Miley. So needless to say, I was extraordinarily pleased to learn from the lovely people over at LiveJournal's BleuManGroup that Corbin also performed.

Now, while I will doubtlessly spend the rest of the day giggling at the faux-military-police getup he and his back-up dancers wore*, mostly I will be smiling at the idea of Corbin serenading Michelle, Sasha, and Malia. Because I love him. You may have noticed.

* Also, really, exclusively male backup dancers for a dude? That's kind of new and different. If nothing else, at least they are not dressed as ridiculously as his female backup dancers were.

Oh, thank god.

Corbin is starting to look like an adult. This comes as something of a relief to me. When did I become a dirty old woman, exactly?

Countdown to HSM3: The Top 10 Things We'd Like to Say to the Cast

10. "Anyone who plays an East High faculty member, right on down to the principal and the pregnant science teacher: Stop. Just stop. You're a terrible actor and no one likes you. Go away."

9. "Monique, you are super cute and sassy. We should be BFF. Call us!"

8. "Manley (director Kenny Ortega's dog, who plays Sharpay's dog): man, what is your life like? Cheetohs for dinner and watching Anchors Aweigh every night, am I right?"

7. "KayCee, CALM THE HELL DOWN."

6. "Baby V, you need to stop singing through your nose. Also, you need to stop calling yourself Baby V."

5. "Okay, Kenny, you're not technically a cast member, but whatevs. We appreciate the homoeroticism in everything you make. Keep up the good work! But maybe let the HSM thing end while it's still joyously bad, before it becomes just plain old bad."

4. "Lucas, you are way too good for this shit. You should pretend you don't know that, though, because because this shit is the primary reason you're going to go on to have a decent career, so don't behave like a jackass."

3. "Corbin, honey, someday all those tingly feelings you get around cute boys - and your love of leopard print - will make sense."

2. "Tizz. All the plastic surgery in the world will not turn you into Reese Witherspoon. You are smart and funny and you need to give up on the Rom Com Princess dream and start making a career that works for you. Might I suggest teaming up with Josh Peck to make a series of wacky comedies penned by a couple of bloggers? Just throwing that out there!"

1. "Oh, Zefron. Perhaps you should consider more movies where you are not singing and especially not dancing. Because you are very, very bad at dancing. AND DO NOT MAKE A FOURTH MOVIE. NO MATTER WHAT FRANCHISE THEY PROMISE YOU. IT IS CAREER DEATH."

And in the spirit of getting things off our chests...

It makes you wanna dance for joy

So...the HSM kids are shilling bread now?



Okay, you have to understand that I am still bitter - ten years after the fact - that the Gap stopped doing the dancing commercials, where you'd have like 20 people tap dancing in khakis. If I am to be beset by advertisements, I insist they be full of fresh-faced young people dancing exuberantly. If your product won't make me dance down the streets, GET OFFA MY TEEVEE.

So this commercial would please me even if it didn't include bouncy HSMers. But it DOES! Which is why I've watched it 20 times. DUN JUDGE ME.

Items of note:

1. Gee, I wonder which two of these four are trained dancers? Could it be the two who are actually dancing, and not posing in rhythm?

2. I think it's pretty amusing that the cinematography, directing, choreography, and songwriting are all superior to anything from any of the movies so far.

3. LUCAS EEEEEEE.

4. Okay, he's rambling and redundant and doofy, but how precious is Corbin in that interview? You teach those kids to eat right, Corbin! You teach them to eat...health food. Like...Sara Lee bread. Uh.

Well, his heart's in the right place.

As an extra special treat, have the Corbin-only version!



My, but that boy can dance.

HSM3 Badness Alert Level: Powder Blue (Like Troy's Suit)

In celebration of the fact that Jess, Rachel, and I purchased our opening night HSM3 tickets tonight, a video! "A Night to Remember"

AHAHAHAHA. Let me count the ways this video is the most amazing thing since Bet On It:

1. Chad's panic. ZOMG you guys, he has to take a GIRL to the PROM and she might have scary GIRL GERMS and he just isn't sure he can handle that!!1! Oh, Chadders. Not as gay as Ryan, but pretty darned gay.


2. D'aww, Chad's plaid suit jacket is oddly adorable. (WHAT, there is a reason Corbin is listed in the sidebar as my inappropriately young crush, OKAY? Don't judge me.)


3. "It makes me look weird." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes, Troy, it DOES make you look weird. How unusually perceptive for you! (Also: pelvic thrusts? It took Kenny three movies to get around to that?)


4. I believe that none of the boys in HSM knows what a corsage is. Not the brightest group, them.


5. Either the set of the show-within-a-show looks a lot like the set for the Muppets' "Manhattan Melodies" or else the actual SET for this is the cheapest, fakest thing ever. Either way, I am amused.

HSM3 Badness Alert Level: Pebbles Flintstone Pink

Two lovely things to share with y'all.

First:



(Via HSM3: Graduation News) I know I'm late, but... RYAN IN A SHINY BLACK JACKET AND BRIGHT PINK PANTS. And then a white tuxedo. And the SHEER LEVELS OF BITCHFACE. The second half of the video is, I hope, badly cut scenes from elsewhere in the movie, but how excited am I? THIS EXCITED. Ryan bitchface is, like, one of my most favorite things ever.

Second:



(Via Molly.)

TINY CHAD AND TROY! SQUEE! Seeing as how Corbin described the movie as "a bromance" between Chad and Troy, and this appears to be a Chad and Troy duet (in a junkyard? with a headband and flannel? I am so excited for whatever the hell is going on!), I am forced to wildly guess that this is a flashback to how Troy and Chad met. Or else something EVEN CRACKIER than I can imagine.

I can not wait, y'all. For serious.

Billboard Blues

I work in New York, and every day on my way from my office to the bus station, I walk through the intersection of 7th Ave and 40th St (very near Times Square, for those not up on their NYC geography). Obviously I walk through that intersection on my way to work as well, but on my way from work I'm facing the giant billboards they have up.

A couple months ago one of those billboards was a bunch of celebrities making a pyramid, including Corbin Bleu and Pete Wentz. Corbin was pleasing to me, of course, but Pete Wentz kind of grosses me out, so it was basically a wash.

Then they changed it to the cover of the latest MoFoJoBros album, which, as you can probably guess, made me very unhappy. I try to avoid the MoFoJoBros! I do not need to see them on my daily commute!

This week, it's changed again. It is now Jesse McCartney getting Archie-style lipstick kisses from some girls. And man, you know, if you had asked me last week if there was something that would have irritated me more than having to look at the Jonii every day, I would have been hard pressed to come up with something, but it turns out there is! At least the Jonii are relevant. Jesse McCartney is so irrelevant that I refuse to make a tag for him, and we have two separate tags for Ashley Tisdale.

Look. J-Mac has been pursuing the elusive carrot of fame for like ten years now and never getting any closer. And he ages like a Sprouse (in that instead of looking older he just...ferments). He totally looks like that guy from high school who looked kind of like Nick Carter except he had bad skin and his eyebrows were too close together. This is what happens when you get Lou Perlman to steal you some Carter DNA and then don't refrigerate it properly! It goes sour.

Luckily, in two weeks I'll be moving and won't be walking through that intersection on a daily basis. But I'll still have to go there on Wednesdays when I hit the comic book shop! And so, Billboard Committee of New York, I beg of you to swap this ucky thing out for a different picture. My suggestion: Lucas Grabeel. Holding a kitten.

(Across the street from this billboard is Emily Osment advertising Vanilla Star Jeans. This is much nicer to look at! Emily is about 115% adorable.)

Yeah, I'm Not Surprised

Via Gawker, Zac Efron Skips the Shower. An anonymous tipster say:

"Zac isn't a big fan of showering," a set insider tells Star.

"It's so gross, because Zac loves to work out and plays basketball all the time — and then goes days without showering. When he gets lazy, he likes to clean himself with baby wipes!"

Star wonders what Vanessa thinks. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

An Informal Tweenage Poll:
Who told Star that Zac doesn't shower?
a) Lucas and Monique -- they think this shit is hilarious
b) Corbin -- if no one likes Zef anymore, perhaps they'll love him best!*
c) Mitchell Musso -- he was on set fetching sandwiches, and Zef overshared
d) Vanessa herself -- passive-aggression is so hot right now

Weigh in in the comments.

*I already do, Corbin!

Open Letter

Dear Disney,

Look, I think the whole thing where you have some of your stable of children record a song and do a video and intersperse it with movie clips is a cute, fun way of promoting both the kids in question and whatever horrible DCOM you're hoping they'll watch. But look. I'm already planning to watch Camp Rock, even though it has the Jonas Brothers, who I hate with the fiery passion of a million, billion suns. And I get that you're hoping it will be your next HSM-type hit, and that your goal is to make it impossible for me to stop humming Camp Rock.

But can we please at least keep this shit confined to your own station? I do not need to see the Jonii when I am innocently watching cartoons! Batman: The Animated Series is definitely not enhanced by children chanting, "We rock! We rock! We rock! CAMP ROCK!" Seriously. It kind of ruins the mood.

Love,
Becky

PS: Speaking of the "Disney star/mediocre song/terrible video with clips from a DCOM" formula, I direct everyone to Run It Back Again. Lord knows I love Corbin a lot, but everything about it is bad. Except for the moral, which seems to be, "Corbin is too stupid to open doors." Oh, Corbin.