Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Letter, A Video, and A Deep Thought

Dear Obama Family,

Not even you can make the Jonas Brothers endearing. Even if you are the absolute cutest things that have ever, ever happened. Though at least if Malia must love the Jonii, she has the relatively-non-bad taste to like Least Detestable best.

That is all.


The Video

Now, some not-really-deep thinky thoughts. Sasha and Malia are becoming famous tweens in their own rights. So do they continue to be mostly media consumers, lovin' on the MoFoJoBros, Miley, etc; or do they become trend setters in and of themselves? Both? Perhaps we could get some kind of wacky TV show out of it -- the First Daughters Variety Hour! I'd watch it. It would have to be better government-based comedy than Corey in the House.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

More on the Kids' Inaugural

It is probably worth noting that I didn't actually check the schedules or list of performers for any events at the inauguration. So when it comes to the Kids' Inaugural We Are the Future Ball, I only heard what made headlines -- the Jonii and discussion of Miley. So needless to say, I was extraordinarily pleased to learn from the lovely people over at LiveJournal's BleuManGroup that Corbin also performed.

Now, while I will doubtlessly spend the rest of the day giggling at the faux-military-police getup he and his back-up dancers wore*, mostly I will be smiling at the idea of Corbin serenading Michelle, Sasha, and Malia. Because I love him. You may have noticed.

* Also, really, exclusively male backup dancers for a dude? That's kind of new and different. If nothing else, at least they are not dressed as ridiculously as his female backup dancers were.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Post-Jonii Obama News

This just in from Countdown With Keith Olbermann: While President and Michelle Obama are off attending various balls and dancing, Sasha and Malia are home in the White House, entertaining other politicians' kids. They are, apparently, having a viewing of High School Musical 3.

Definitely vastly preferable to the MoFoJoBros.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Letter for the President

Dear President-Elect Obama,

Congratulations on your imminent presidency! We here at Tweenage are very happy about it, what with you being a public-speaking genius, a self-proclaimed feminist, a non-crazy person who actually knows, like, where other countries are and stuff, and only a few days away from winning the Dreamiest President Ever competition, which Franklin Pierce has been hogging since 1857.

That said, we fear you might be starting your presidency off on the wrong foot by inviting the Jonas Brothers to play at the Inaugural Ball. You're very busy being President-Elect and choosing puppies and stuff, so you might not know this, but they're detestable. Two of them are made of wax, and they sing like they're constipated. Plus, one of them thinks he's a cowboy, and I think we've had enough pretend cowboys in the White House for a while, don't you?
We understand that your daughters are under the inexplicable spell of the Jonas Brothers (you may want to ask the FDA to check the nation's elementary and middle school cafeteria lunches for hallucinogens, which might go far in explaining this Jonian popularity), but Miley Cyrus was also supposedly asked to perform, and surely she should be enough, what with her actually being good at singing and all. Please reconsider retracting this invitation to the Jonii. Perhaps you can instead extend an invitation to them to be the first Americans to colonize the sun? I'm sure NASA would be happy to rocket them far, far away.

Thank you for your time, and enjoy your inauguration. Say hi to the Lincoln Memorial for us!

Love and fist bumps,
Jess and Becky
Tweenage Wasteland, America

P.S. You may be amused by this article. Just be aware, they spelled the names wrong. For example, "Joe" is spelled "M-O-S-T-D-E-T-E-S-T-A-B-L-E."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Selena Gomez and Her Creepy Pageant Baby Face

Selena Gomez is a bitch. That's why we like her.

Now that I've gotten your attention (and that of Ms. Gomez's lawyers), allow me to clarify. I don't mean that Selena Gomez herself is a bitch. I don't know her. She might be the loveliest, kindest person on Earth, spending her free time giving money to charity and crocheting sweaters for homeless cats. But she plays a total bitch on both Hannah Montana and The Wizards of Waverly Place, and her whole carefully-crafted public persona is that of the catty popular girl who talks smack about her behind her back. It might seem strange, then, that we like her for it, but compare it to her best friend, Demi Lovato, whose public image is based on aggressively pushing herself as likeable. The more Demi tells me to like her, the less I do, while I find Selena's unrepentant bitchery hilarious.

But - and you knew there was a "but" coming, didn't you? - I do have one major problem with Selena Gomez, and that is, as the title of this post might have hinted, her creepy pageant baby face. You know those little girl pageants where they put ten pounds of slap on six year old girls, and it's pretty much the scariest thing ever?

Yeah, like that. (Both of those pictures were from the fabulous Little Miss Sunshine, by the way.)

Selena Gomez has a face like that.

This is not to say that she's not attractive. She's a very pretty girl, but she has the face of an eight-year-old, and it freaks me out.

Look at this picture of her with Demi (sorry about the watermark):

These are two girls who are supposedly the same age. Does Demi not look like her much older friend and/or sister? (And incidentally, I hate Demi, but doesn't this look like a publicity shot for a movie about a sassy younger sister and a stodgy older sister who have to learn to get along after their parents, like, get arrested or something? I would see that movie.)

All in all, it makes "sexy" pictures like this look super creepy:

To say nothing of videos where she dances (well, "dances") around in a French maid outfit and lies on the floor between people's legs singing (well, "singing") about her need to live her own life or whatever:

Possible Solutions:

1) Live a quiet life out of the public eye until her face catches up with the rest of her. Somehow I don't think she'll go for this one.

2) Work it! She can just play really, really tall third-graders for a few years. Bonus: five more years in her acting career.

3) Conduct some sort of horrifying experiment to average out Face Age Years between her and Drake and Josh's Allison Scagliotti, who has the opposite problem and looks about 30 (albeit a beautiful 30) when she is in actual fact only 18.

Personally, I like Option 3. Regardless, we've got to do something, or we're going to have a lot more of this:

All Selena pictures are from SelenaWeb.Org. Little Miss Sunshine and Allison pictures are from, uh, Google image search. Thanks, Google!

Edit: Oh, for Pete's sake, people. It says right up at the top that I like her and that she's pretty. Go leave angry comments on a Jonas Brothers post or something, we're genuinely mean there.

Edit Part Two: I am officially fed up with the lack of reading comprehension shown in the comments, so they are now disabled for this post. Criminey.

Open Letter, II

Dear Zac Efron,

This is not exactly a hard news blog, but a few weeks ago, we reported on your sex-store exploits, and I made only a passing joke about how you were wearing the tooliest of tool hats.

Then my good friend Margot sent me this:

And aside from being hilarious, there's the damn hat again. And then I was looking through my folder of things to blog about ("stupid pictures of Zac Efron" subfolder) and found this:

And realized you are HOLDING a tool-y wool cap. Playing a hunch, I googled you and found:

...Look. We need to talk. Now, I already know that you don't like to shower, but Zef? Wearing a hat will not cover up that fact. It just makes you look like an unwashed tool wearing a hat. And that's a shame, because, as the blogger here at Tweenage who actually likes you, I think you have the potential to be adorable!

Instead of looking like this:

Here's what you need to do. Take off the hat. And go shower. And if you won't do it for me, do it for Vanessa, please? Because while I'm sure she told you that your collection of wool caps is totally cute, like, a year and a half ago, I am EQUALLY sure that she was lying because she assumed it was just a phase. Not that you would insist on wearing it every day instead of showering, like, ever. You know that really strained tone of voice she's been talking to you in every time the subject has come up? That's because she, like the rest of us, would like to burn the horrific things you put on your head.

So for her sake, for ours, and for your own, please -- PLEASE -- for the love of all that is holy, STOP with the wool caps. And then go buy some shampoo. Maybe even let Vanessa pick out a brand she likes for you!


(PS: Sunglasses do not hide the fact that you are totally baked. Please pass that one on to Vanessa as well.)

Photo sources: here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, respectively.