Sunday, January 11, 2009

Selena Gomez and Her Creepy Pageant Baby Face

Selena Gomez is a bitch. That's why we like her.

Now that I've gotten your attention (and that of Ms. Gomez's lawyers), allow me to clarify. I don't mean that Selena Gomez herself is a bitch. I don't know her. She might be the loveliest, kindest person on Earth, spending her free time giving money to charity and crocheting sweaters for homeless cats. But she plays a total bitch on both Hannah Montana and The Wizards of Waverly Place, and her whole carefully-crafted public persona is that of the catty popular girl who talks smack about her behind her back. It might seem strange, then, that we like her for it, but compare it to her best friend, Demi Lovato, whose public image is based on aggressively pushing herself as likeable. The more Demi tells me to like her, the less I do, while I find Selena's unrepentant bitchery hilarious.

But - and you knew there was a "but" coming, didn't you? - I do have one major problem with Selena Gomez, and that is, as the title of this post might have hinted, her creepy pageant baby face. You know those little girl pageants where they put ten pounds of slap on six year old girls, and it's pretty much the scariest thing ever?

Yeah, like that. (Both of those pictures were from the fabulous Little Miss Sunshine, by the way.)

Selena Gomez has a face like that.

This is not to say that she's not attractive. She's a very pretty girl, but she has the face of an eight-year-old, and it freaks me out.

Look at this picture of her with Demi (sorry about the watermark):

These are two girls who are supposedly the same age. Does Demi not look like her much older friend and/or sister? (And incidentally, I hate Demi, but doesn't this look like a publicity shot for a movie about a sassy younger sister and a stodgy older sister who have to learn to get along after their parents, like, get arrested or something? I would see that movie.)

All in all, it makes "sexy" pictures like this look super creepy:

To say nothing of videos where she dances (well, "dances") around in a French maid outfit and lies on the floor between people's legs singing (well, "singing") about her need to live her own life or whatever:

Possible Solutions:

1) Live a quiet life out of the public eye until her face catches up with the rest of her. Somehow I don't think she'll go for this one.

2) Work it! She can just play really, really tall third-graders for a few years. Bonus: five more years in her acting career.

3) Conduct some sort of horrifying experiment to average out Face Age Years between her and Drake and Josh's Allison Scagliotti, who has the opposite problem and looks about 30 (albeit a beautiful 30) when she is in actual fact only 18.

Personally, I like Option 3. Regardless, we've got to do something, or we're going to have a lot more of this:

All Selena pictures are from SelenaWeb.Org. Little Miss Sunshine and Allison pictures are from, uh, Google image search. Thanks, Google!

Edit: Oh, for Pete's sake, people. It says right up at the top that I like her and that she's pretty. Go leave angry comments on a Jonas Brothers post or something, we're genuinely mean there.

Edit Part Two: I am officially fed up with the lack of reading comprehension shown in the comments, so they are now disabled for this post. Criminey.