Monday, June 29, 2009

OTWOBBW: Varsity Fanclub

Our second boy band on offer is Varsity Fanclub. We don't know whether they came up with their name before or after V Factory came up with theirs, but someone should have done a little asking around first. It's like if Lou Pearlman had sat down with his second batch of fresh-faced Orlando-ites and said, "Okay, for you I'm thinking Frontstreet Boys." Also, what the hell does "Varsity Fanclub" mean?


Image: Well, it ain’t good. Everything about Varsity Fanclub is unappealing. It looks like someone sanded them all down with a fine-grit sandpaper, then dropped them into Panic at the Disco’s castoff wardrobe, after it had been dyed neon colors. The amount of shriekingly bright scarves, skinny jeans, ruffly or low-cut shirts, and terrible, terrible vests is appalling, and the one in the trucker hat has apparently not twigged to the fact that “trucker hat” is shorthand for “douche.” It doesn’t help that at least three of them are seriously unattractive. Yes, that’s shallow and mean, but come on, this is a boy band. 1 out of 5.

Archetypes: Jayk, by virtue of his misspelled name and trucker hat, is clearly The Bad Boy. However, he is also the incredibly unappealing one who we hate, so that’s sad for him. Drew Ryan Scott, he of the three first names, is The Little Blond One, but one does not suspect, by looking at him, that he will pull a Carter/Timberlake and become The Heartthrob. The Heartthrob is kind of up in the air right now; it used to be Thomas, who also appears to be an aspiring gay porn star (see below), but he has since left this train wreck of a band, presumably to star in gay porn. Way to go, Thomas. (He also gets points for listing DuckTales as his favorite movie, even though it’s not a movie.) He has been replaced by another guy named Thomas, or T.C., but Varsity Fanclub’s terrible, terrible website still only has pictures of Thomas 1.0 on it, so we cannot speak to T.C.’s role. Bobby, who has the gratifying credentials of having appeared on Veronica Mars, may be the new Heartthrob, or possibly The Shy One, based only on the fact that he looks kind of like a normal dude and not a lunatic. And then there’s David, who we forgot about until we counted, which makes him The Other One. Surprisingly, 4 out of 5.

(Thomas may also have been brewed in the same genetic experiment that created Drake Bell and Zac Efron. We are investigating.)

Music Video: You'll have to click the link, as VFC's ex-record label has disabled embedding. Because why would a record label want one of their music videos to be easily disseminated? You know, this is actually a great boy band video. They’re wearing silver on some futuristic set with girls admiring but not touching them, there’s choreography, they introduce them all, Thomas winks and all the confused middle school boys feel funny…it’s great. Unfortunately, they’re really unappealing, so although the video contains all the ingredients for entertainment, it falls flat in execution. Also, there’s a “dance break” towards the end that appears to come from another song entirely. 3 out of 5.

Personality: On the Varsity Fanclub website, there’s a tab for comedy videos. It doesn’t work, because the Varsity Fanclub webmaster should be fired. But if you look on their YouTube channel, you can find a video of Drew Ryan Scott lip syncing to a terrible, terrible song called “I Hope You’re Not a Man,” about how gross it would be if you accidentally danced with a man and/or ugly woman in a dark club instead of a hot chick. And, you know, it’s good that Varsity Fanclub realizes that they need to put out footage of themselves being likable and funny. Unfortunately, they are incapable of being likable and funny, and Drew Ryan Scott’s performance comes off as simultaneously homophobic and offensive, while also the gayest thing that has ever happened in a boy band, including Lance Bass coming out. This is a pretty good example of how awful the whole band is (except for Bobby, who seems like just some dude). Also, they are already at a point where they are suing their label, and their album has been delayed a couple of times, and they’ve replaced a member, and their website doesn’t work, and basically the whole thing is an insufferable train wreck. 0 out of 5.

Oh yeah, the music: So boy bandy. Way more so than V Factory; they almost sound like a parody of a boy band, like 2Ge+her or Kim Possible’s Oh Boyz. Or, you know, O-Town, who were basically a parody. (Don’t tell them that.) The voices we heard on the three songs available on the website were seriously not good, but the music itself was pretty catchy. Sung by a JC Chasez or a Brian Littrell, it would be in frequent play on our iPods. 2 out of 5.

Bonus hilarious lyrics: “I think I gotta get your hair right/ Loosen up, you’re so tight/ Baby come on (Let me in tonight)/ You got me lost inside your circus/ You got me feeling nervous/ Baby come on.” GEE I WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT?

Final Score: 10/25. They divided up nicely into archetypes, but that’s because they were put together by somebody who knows boy bands. Don’t let the not-completely-abysmal score fool you, though – we hated them.

12 comments:

magickalmolly said...

I just had to say I am loving the official boy band watch - you guys are hilarious. And educational! I knew nothing about either of the groups listed so far, so kudos for the info. :D

MissRoyalTurkey said...

I think that Varsity Fanclub should get some bonus points for guest starring on The Middleman (great show!) as aliens disguised as a boyband called Varsity Fanclub in order to take over the world. It was a great episode.

Sophie said...

I completely thought Varsity Fanclub had been made up for that Middleman episode.

justjking said...

I too am astonished that they were not fabricated for that Middleman episode. And they completely deserve bonus points for being intergalactic dictators.

Ryan W. Mead said...

If Drake Bell was created in the same lab as Zac Efron, does that mean his skin will also eventually melt off? (If you haven't seen it, this is in reference to a humor video from The Onion in which a Disney geneticist comments on the lab in which they make all their young stars and comments that Efron was an early experiment that will someday melt due to his poor construction- "when I look at him I can only see my mistakes.")

Seth Christenfeld said...

To be fairish, there was a DuckTales movie. And it was pretty awesome.

Anonymous said...

Bobby also has the distinction of having voiced the character of Vaan in Final Fantasy XII so... he's now the most successful one? (I mean, really, voicing a protagonist in a Final Fantasy game is kinda up there in the video game world)

Anonymous said...

this is gay !

Ciara said...

Wow, this is seriously the stupidest thing I've heard, you obviously know nothing about them, FOR ONE: Thomas left the band for personal reasons, TWO: they have there own unique style and it doesn't look like panic at the disco but GOOD TRY, FOUR: There more than just a " boyband " , they connect with there fans more than any boyband out there. FIVE: YEAH, everyone knew he was lip singing to " Hope your not a man " BUT that's his real voice so nice try, he recorded and lip sang to it, HIS A GORGEOUS SINGER, look up babysteps, domino, like I always do, sounds like me, that's him. There all good singers and dancers and I'm not just saying this because I'm fan, maybe you should actually MEET the band or talk to them before juding someone because this just made you look SO stupid and all the peopole leaving hate comments don't know anything about Varsity Fanclub so all of you just made yourselves look stupid, nice try though :) 10/25? no.

Anonymous said...

I am a huge fan of these guys, but seriously, this is hilarious! I'm pretty sure they would find this kinda funny because they've poked fun at themselves before (see their Middleman episode or their YouTube Twit Richards).

Ayan said...

Wow! your just retarded... you happen to know nothing about varsity fanclub... how could david be the one people forget... thats dumb! it seems like you know nothing about varsity fanclub cause if you did you'd know that they have amazing dance moves, are EXTREMELY hot,sing amazingly and actually have talent(unlike v factory!! i like v factory but their not great!!!) sooo next time you write a blog actually do a good job on getting the write information! cause this blog is just ridiculous!.....and plus their style is amazing!
-Ayan!

Rebecca said...

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