Y'all. Y'all. I have had Miley Cyrus's new single stuck in my head for five days now, and I'm still not even sure if I actually like it. Check it out:
I think we're going to have to resort to math on this one.
Plus: Girl can sing, and for once she's not overproduced, so you can really appreciate the richness of her natural voice. Take notes, Baby V: this is what a genuinely powerful singer sounds like. +10
Minus: She gets so shouty on the choruses that her voice is kind of wasted. Confidential to Miley: I know you want desperately to be a hardcore rocker girl, but you're 15, you dance (well, "dance") in concert, and your core fanbase is made up of eight-year-old girls who watch your show on the Disney Channel. You're a pop singer. Embrace the poposity. -6
Plus: On the other hand, there's something endearingly 15-year-old-y about the shouted chorus and tempo change. I totally would have considered that super badass at her age. +3
Minus: The lyrics hurt me in ways too vast to enumerate, starting with the fact that she totally lists more than seven things, and going on from there. -10
Plus: As Becky pointed out, the unsophisticated, vastly illogical lyrics (as well as the shouty chorus) do make it seem like Miley does actually write her own material, unlike the many other pop stars who claim to pen their own music. So good on her for getting her voice out there! I mean, her other voice. Look, you know what I mean. +5
Minus: …No, seriously, "And compared to all the great things that would take too long to write/ I probably should mention the seven that I like…" What? What? -2
Plus: I really enjoy the video. Miley manages to do the whole "I represent all broken-hearted teenage girls" thing without it coming across as arrogant. +7
Minus: Then again, she seems to feel that an oversized argyle vest is the same thing as a dress, which leads me to question Billy Ray's parenting skills. I mean, even more than I already have. (Does he know he has other kids?) -5
Plus: Then again again, she kind of rocks it. Maybe. Sort of. +2
Minus: Okay, I promise this is the last time I'll pick on the lyrics, but she says she's "not coming back"…and then totally tells him how nifty keen he is! Make up your mind, Cyrus! -4
Let's see, add all that up, and…it's a wash. Yeah, that looks about right.
…But it's still totally going on my iPod.