Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Vanessa. Honey. We have to talk.
Look: I like you! I think you're cute as a button, and in tiny part thanks to you, I now use delicious-smelling pink grapefruit facial wash. You are a cutie-patootie, a passable pop singer, and a mediocre but pretty-to-look-at actress. But honey.
Stop being naked on the internet.
Now, look. I love the theory that Naked Vanessa #1 was an attempt to get out of doing HSM3; fair enough. But whether it was a stunt or an accident, there was no way for you to come out of it not knowing that sending nudie pics to your boyfriend is a bad plan. Neither e-mail nor phone is super-secure, and people will get ahold of them! And you know this! So stop putting naked pictures of yourself where they can be easily pilfered!
I don't mind that you're naked. That's none of my business. I don't think it makes you a bad person, or even necessarily a bad role model (except that it makes you look kind of dumb because really, twice now?). Hey, you've been in a committed relationship for a few years now; you're above the age of legal consent; your boyfriend is a super-hottie. Knock yourself out behind closed doors, honey.
But this? This is not the way to break away from your Disney career. And since Bandslam looks to be another pretty tweenie-looking movie, I'm not even sure how you thought this would play out as a publicity stunt. Look: if you like showing folks your naked body, kudos for you! I bet you anything that Playboy or Maxim would take your phone call. You are an adult lady. You don't need anyone's approval if you want to be naked. You don't need to apologize for it. But for god's sake, stop with this cutesy, "Teehee, I'm accidentally naked, whoops!" thing. You don't need it.
Be naked if you want to. And if you don't, stop being a freaking moron.
That is all.