Camp Rock Night: A Night of Pain

Starring your bloggers, Jess and Becky, with special guest star Becky's Sister Rachel.

Did you watch Camp Rock? We did!

Do you bitterly regret it? We do!

The plot, such as it is: Demi Lovato rilly rilly wants to go to Camp Rock, but her parents can’t afford it – until her mother takes a job working as the chef there, yays! Meanwhile, “rock star” Shane Gray, a.k.a. Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, is…teaching classes at the camp? Which he used to attend? To clean up his “bad boy” image that he earned doing unspecified bad things? Whatever. Even though Alyson Stoner is ready to have gay sex with Demi the minute she walks into the camp, Demi wants to be accepted by the popular kids, consisting of a blond alpha bitch and her HaraGossip Girls, so she lies and tells them her mother is a bigshot music exec in China. Also, PGL hears her singing and falls in love with her voice, but can’t find her anywhere! Oh noes!

Demi doesn’t put up with PGL’s shit and he finds that refreshing and they fall in love, or something. There’s also a scene where she covers her face in flour to disguise herself, and it’s never made clear whether he knows it’s her or not. It’s really, really stupid. Blondie finds out the truth about Demi’s mom and reveals it to the camp, and frames her for stealing Blondie’s charm bracelet, which seems like overkill to me, but whatever. It does get Demi banned from the big end-of-summer performance competition. One of Blondie’s sidekicks tells Blondie to go fuck herself and then wins the competition, and then Demi performs her Big Song, and PGL forgives her for lying about being rich and they hold hands. The end!

7:54 Becky has already screamed "Oh my God I hate you" at Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, and the movie hasn't even started yet.

7:58 A preview for Camp Rock plays, just in case you somehow didn't know what was going to be on now.

Rachel: Now I know the whole movie.

7:59 The CR kids are sitting around in a room. A Jonas is playing the bongos.

Rachel: Bongos? Really? The bongos?

Jess: What is on Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas's head?

Becky: A cockatoo?

8:00 We open with an establishing shot of a beautiful suburban house.

Becky: Isn't that the house where Troy lives?

Demi wakes up, smiles with all eight million of her teeth, puts on a CD, and jumps around.

Rachel: Who still makes mix CDs? Who doesn't just download mp3s? Oh, I guess Miss Perky Pajama Pants doesn't.

Jess: She's not as endearing as she's trying so hard to be.

Becky: But she's genuine. You can tell because she's a brunette.

8:02 PETER GALLAGHER-LOOKING JONAS'S NAME IS SHANE GRAY?

Rachel: Hee hee hee! Look at the moody Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

8:03 Demi wants to go to Camp Rock.

Mom: We just can't swing it right now.

Becky: Really? Because I saw the exterior of your house.

Rachel: But they're just renting it from the Boltons.

Demi: Gotta go, last day of school.

Rachel: Why it always the motherfucking last day of school?

8:05 Demi goes to school for no reason and hangs out with her friend, Worst Friend Ever.
Worst Friend Ever: *is the worst friend ever*

8:06 The mom is the cook for Camp Rock now, so Demi's going to Camp Rock!

Becky: Wouldn't they have known about this MONTHS in advance?

Rachel: What ninth or tenth grader wouldn't be mortified by having her mom be a chef at the rock and roll camp she wants to go to?

Now we're at Camp Rock. Surprise!

Becky: Why did that kid just do a backflip?

Jess: Children are gyrating. I find it disconcerting.

8:09 We meet the camp director. He's Australian, so we'll call him Oz.

Oz: I'm a former member of the [band name we don’t quite catch].

Jess: The WHITE Crows?

Rachel: The WET Crows?

Oz: *pretends to be important*

Mom: You know Aerosmith?

Rachel: He doesn't know Aerosmith! He doesn't know ANYONE! Well, he might know the Jonas Brothers. Do not sleep with him.

Demi bumps into the villain of the piece.

Evil Blonde Girl: *is evil*

Becky: You, madam, are no Sharpay Evans.

Adorable Alyson Stoner shows up. Usually we love her, but she's terrible in this movie, I guess to make everyone else feel better. She's a dancer, so they decided to showcase her skills by making her…a music producer.

Alyson: (on Blondie) She's the diva of Camp Rock.

Jess: "And I'm clearly the eclectic outsider!"

Rachel: How is there only one diva at a performing arts camp?

8:12 A way-too-excited woman introduces herself as…Dia La Duke, I’m pretty sure. Some boys appear out of nowhere and start dancing.

Becky: Oh, I get it! It's a crack hallucination!

Rachel: Those shorts certainly are.

8:13 They’re making PGL Jonas teach at camp, for some reason.

PGL: I don't want to spend my summer at some stupid camp! I'm SHANE GRAY, for crying out loud!

Rachel: Never have eyebrows emoted so hard.

Extra: This is where Connect Three connected.

That line: *was amazing*

Extra: Oh, and can you make me a birdhouse or something?

Jess: Is he stoned?

Rachel: He's totally stoned!

Jess: He's my new favorite!

8:18 Demi is snubbed by Blondie and her friends.

Becky: So she's sad because she doesn't get to be a snotty bitch?

Rachel: No, she has to go play piano alone in a room somewhere, so PGL can overhear her and spend the whole summer being like "BUT WHO?"

8:19 Extra and Adopted Jonas drop PGL off at camp.

Jess: They left? They just left him?

Rachel: They hate him too!

8:21 Demi goes to play piano alone in a room somewhere. PGL overhears her.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh till they cry*

8:23 Some random girl sings a song at one of Camp Rock’s nightly impromptu performances. It’s terrible.

Jess: Film rant time! If you open the movie with a non-diagetic musical number, the diagetic ones that follow will all look like drug trips. Although I supposed these outfits don't help that.

8:25 Plot: *craps itself all over the screen*

Here follows a ten minute discussion of how Disney doesn't understand class issues. Basically people whose father owns a hardware store and whose mother runs her own catering business and who live in a beautiful suburban mini-mansion are not tragically poor, and even if they were, no one would react the way they do in this movie.

8:27 Ashley from Hannah Montana is basically continuing to play Ashley from Hannah Montana, except this version can sing (for definitions of “can sing” that mean “cannot sing”). Why won’t Disney let Asian girls be smart? Do they think they are fighting prejudice this way or something?

Mom: Can you believe none of these cookbooks have recipe for chili for 300?

Rachel: You don't know how to make chili?

Jess: You don't know how to multiply?

Becky: You're a caterer and you've never cooked for a large crowd before?

8:29 Jess: WHY IS EVERYONE SO GREASY?

8:30 Blondie’s mommy doesn’t love her.

Jess and Becky: Awww.

Don’t worry. We still don’t like her. Also…

Jess: What the fuck kind of bunk has glass windows and throw rugs?

8:32 Rachel: I hate this movie.

Jess: What happened to the Jonas who was abandoned in the woods? Has he been eaten by a bear?

Rachel: He's still in that room yelling "BUT WHO?"

8:33 Rachel: Okay, Alyson Stoner has a thing for Demi, right?

Becky and Jess: Yes.

Alyson: So your music - is it any good?

Rachel: "I love you."

Alyson: So I'll see you around.

Rachel: "I love you."

8:34 PGL Jonas is cruelly awoken by Oz, who tells him he has a class to teach in five minutes.

Jess: Ugh, the Jonas is in his underwear.

Oz throws water on PGL.

Rachel: Ugh, now the Jonas is wet and in his underwear.

8:36 Oz: Don't argue with finger.

Your Reviewers: WHAT?

Becky: I liked this scene better when it was in Sister Act.

8:38 Demi has her OH MY GOD SHE’S SO TALENTED WE HAD NO IDEA LOL moment. (She isn’t, actually, that talented.)

Becky: She sings like Miley acts in the first season of Hannah Montana, where no one told her there was a difference between acting and yelling.

Jess: This scene has killed me. I'm dead now.

8:39 Demi is “working” (for the same definition of “work” employed (ha!) by the HSM kids) in the kitchen. PGL walks in.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh for ten minutes*

Demi: *covers her face with flour for NO GODDAMN REASON*

PGL: *yells at her about his very important food allergies*

Rachel: He's not gonna recognize her later because she's not going to be covered in flour. I just want to make sure you guys know that.

Becky: Also, he has very important food allergies.

Jess: There's nothing manlier than important food allergies.

Becky: And tight white jeans.

Rachel: Well, you could probably fit a finger in there.

Jess: Why would you say that to us? People you supposedly like?

8:44 PGL heads off to teach his class.

Rachel: Wasn't his class ages ago? Days ago?

8:45 The “class” begins.

Rachel: Bring back stoned Jonas! I want to know more about the birdhouse.

PGL’s Pants: *make Your Reviewers cover their eyes*

8:46 Becky: Okay, they painted those pants onto him, and it's not okay. Those aren't even jeans. They're leggings with pockets.

Jess: PGL can't dance. Why are they doing this horrible routine?

PGL: *is suddenly so gay for some drumming kid, what the hell*

8:50 Mom: *apparently wants Demi to date girls, okay*

8:52 Rachel: Blondie is the extremely low, low rent Amanda Bynes.

8:55 Girls: *throw spaghetti at each other for no reason*

Rachel: No one has any sauce for this spaghetti. They should complain to the caterer.

Oz: *uses the Finger*

Jess: Is he going to make the three of them spend the rest of the summer in the isolation cabin and then they're going to discover that they're twins?

8:57 PGL sings a stupid song to Demi.

Becky: Full of hate full of hate full of hate full of hate…

Jess: Who is singing backup with him? Are they on the lake?

Becky: The other Jonii are naiads!

Jess: I want them to paddle by in kayaks, singing.

Rachel: Okay, but this makes no sense, because the scene before was totally incoherent. She was like "That's good," and he was like "WHAT THAN MY STUPID COOKIE-CUTTER POP MUSIC?" and she was like "I like that music" and then he was like I LOVE YOU. Also, why did she go over there with her guitar in the first place? He clearly didn't want to jam with her.

Jess: PGL and Demi can't jam together. They can EAT jam together.

[Pause to wash dishes and order food. The timestamps are now totally inaccurate. Sorry.]

9:16 Jess: Do they not know it's summer? Because everyone keeps wearing boots.

Demi is mean to Alyson, but redeems herself by also being mean to Blondie.

Rachel: What an odd moral. We learned that it's okay to be mean as long you're mean to everyone. Then you get to date a Jonas Brother, which I guess is God's punishment to you for being mean to everyone.

9:19 Alyson (who got punished for sauceless spaghetti-throwing by being forced to work in the kitchen and DISCOVERED DEMI’S SECRET ZOMG) and Demi are blowing up balloons and laughing. Demi ditches Alyson for Blondie. Alyson’s balloon deflates.

Jess: Aw, sad lesbian balloon.

Becky: Wait, so Alyson does work and Demi totally doesn't?

9:21 The other Jonii show up! Well, via the phone.

Stoner Jonas: How's my birdhouse coming?

Your Reviewers: YAY!

Stoner Jonas: I want more birds in my -

Jess: WHY IS ADOPTED WEARING A SPEEDO?

Meanwhile, back at camp…

PGL: BUT WHO? *grabs the Little Drummer Boy* Hey buddy, want to do me a favor?

Jess: Is it a SEX FAVOR?

Rachel: Is it “be my boyfriend?”

Becky: Is it “put your penis in my butt?”

Jess: Oh man, now he's making the whole camp BUT WHO? Hey, that one girl's at camp for Tambourine. "Yeah, I majored in Tambourine at camp."

Rachel: "I'm a camp legend."

9:25 This love story is intolerable.

9:28 The other Jonii finally show up at camp.

Becky: Oh, thank God, Stoner Jonas is back.

9:32 Becky: So we have Jonas Who Knows Things, Jonas Who Doesn't Know Things, and Jonas Who's an Asshole?

Blondie: So tell us about your mom again.

Alyson: Oh, her mom's a good person. What's your mom like, random dancer?

Random Dancer: *with thinly veiled contempt* She's like…a mom.

That: *is the best non-birdhouse-related line in the movie*

9:36 PGL’s heart is broken because Demi’s NOT RICH. He pretends not to care.

PGL: I don't want to get sidetracked with liking someone anyway.

Jess: He's never going to like anyone ever?

Rachel: Well, he is Jonas Who's an Asshole.

9:38 Everyone hates Demi!

Jess: Well, she did pretend to be rich. That is the worst thing you can ever do.

9:39 Everyone forgives Demi, because she’s talented.

Jess: So the moral of the movie is "It's okay not to be rich, as long as you're talented."

Demi: I'm a good person!

Jess: THAT'S A LIE.

9:45 It’s time for Final Jam! Yay, I guess.

Becky: Oh hey, that's where Corbin did double dutch!

9:50 Oz talks.

Jess: I have no idea what he just said, but I hated all of it.

9:55 Blondie performs after being deserted by her ethnic sidekicks.

Jess: Why is she dressed like an ice skater?

9:56: Oz: Margaret Dupree!

Ashley from Hannah Montana: Who's Margaret Dupree?

Blondie’s Moody Black Sidekick: I am.

Becky: Wait, did she not have a name before?

A montage: *IS THERE FOR SOME REASON WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK*

Becky: Did she have an emotional arc we missed?

Rachel: I'm telling you, every single person is in a different movie!

There are like ten songs in a row.

Jess: Okay, musicals aren't supposed to have ALL THE SONGS IN THE SAME PLACE.

10:01 Demi sings! Like omg!

PGL: Gasp! BUT WHO? IS YOU!

10:02 They “sing” a duet.

Becky: So at least PGL is used to lip synching. That was me burning the Jonas Brothers.

Jess: Oh. I thought you meant back when only Nick was famous and he would sit alone in his room, crying and mouthing along to Nick's Christian rock album wishing he was Nick.

Becky: We know way too much about the Jonas Brothers.

10:05 The movie is finally, mercifully over.

Becky: This makes High School Musical look like…

Rachel: Singin' in the Rain?

Jess: That was worse than White Wolves, the standard by which all bad movies are set. Wow.

Becky: There was not one good thing you could say about it. That was a failure in every conceivable way.

So there you have it, folks. Camp Rock: The Worst Movie Ever. We suffered, yes – but we did it for you.