Are you tired of being told you can't meet your cute teen idols?

So here's the thing: in the months since I first posted about Big Time Rush, I've come to really, really love the TV show. It's pretty much the only tween/teen show I point to and say, "No, it's actually good," as opposed to, "It's completely ludicrous but I can't stop watching it." (Though that's true, too.) I've got basically every episode of the show saved on my TiVo and have no compunctions about making people who visit my apartment watch them.

And then I found out there would be a BTR concert today. I was kind of curious, because boy bands aren't really The Big Thing right now, and I wanted to see how kids from their actual demographic respond to them. Curious enough to go, though? ... Well, yes, once I found out the concert was free. Jess couldn't make it, alas, so my poor sister agreed to go with me (though she insisted on pretending to be my mom to explain why she was there).

BTR, of course, was headlining this show, in as much as one can headline a free show hosted by the Macy's Back To School Sale. The complete rundown:

1) Victoria Justice, who didn't actually perform. She was the host, along with some guy from Macy's. Judging by her MC skills, I'm really, really glad she didn't sing. She was almost extraordinarily not good; she sounded like she was reading off a cue card, badly, and kept mumbling barely audibly, and failed to be charming or entertaining or even energetic. On the other hand, the guy from Macy's was worse -- he introduced her as Victoria Jones -- but not worse enough to make her look decent by comparison. Look, Victoria, I'm trying not to hate you just because I hate your show, but you're making it hard.

2) The first act was Internet Sensation Josh Golden. I had heard of him from a couple of tween blogs, which were pushing him as "OMG the next Justin Bieber!!!1!" because he was also discovered through YouTube. Now, I don't personally love the Bieb, but I can assure you, Josh Golden is no Justin Bieber. The best thing about his performance was that he only played three songs. The worst thing was that he played at all.

3) Next up was Cherice As Seen on Oprah and Ellen. From our vantage point half a block away and behind a bush, she appeared to be 10 years old, and so I was incredibly impressed by her performance. As it turns out, she's 18, not 10, so it was slightly less impressive, but I have to give it to her: the girl has a voice. I didn't particularly love her music, but I'm always excited when I discover a singer who can actually sing.

4) Which leads us to Big Time Rush. Now, I'm just old enough to remember the 90s creed that if anyone had ever heard of you, you weren't cool anymore; and the idea of being pre-packaged by The Man in any way was the kiss of death. And as I said, boybands haven't really hit this generation yet, so I wanted to see how people were actually responding to BTR as a band.

The answer is "adorably." There were maybe 500 people there, mostly tween girls and their parents. There were dozens of home made t-shirts and a couple of full on costumes from the show. Lots of overheard, "But MOM, I KNOW the show is free but we have to buy stuff at Macy's to get the pass to meet them! I NEED to meet them, Mom! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING, YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!!! IF I DON'T GET TO MEET JAMES I'LL DIE!!!" Unwilling to fight 12 year olds for a good view of the band (what with being grown ups and all) we weren't nearly close enough to see the crying and swooning girls, but since we'd gotten there an hour early and the front section was already full of devotees, I'm pretty sure they were there.

In short, the crowd loved the band, and the band, to their credit, wasn't dreadful. They were lipsynching -- so far, nothing from their show has convinced me they can hit 4-part harmony live -- but they had more presence than I expected. They only did three songs, which Rachel rather cynically suggests was because that's all they've got choreographed. Since the choreography was directly from the TV show I suspect she's right. Their choreography wasn't terribly complex, but it was athletic and high-energy, and...

Look. There were four cute, non-threatening, clean-cut teenage boys*. They were (sorta) singing and dancing in unison. There were screaming girls and harried-but-patient parents. Their songs are up-beat and earwormy as hell, and that's all I could have asked. I don't think I'd have paid to see them (especially not because it was only three songs), but as it stood? Totally worth the hour spent standing outside Macy's.

Though it would have been a better hour without Victoria Justice and Internet Sensation Josh Goldsen. They were really bad, you guys.

*Actually, they're all 20, but close enough.

Photo from Tall Blonde and Eyebrows.

We really like capslock IMing, okay?

Jess: NICK CARTER IS 30 TODAY. THIS JUST IN: I AM ANCIENT

Becky: WHOA. That is...really not okay.

Jess: I AM AS OLD AS A HUNDRED JUSTIN BIEBERS.

Becky: heeheehee

Jess: Or half a Jason Earles.

Becky: I'm posting that.

Bonnie: Right!

The Harry Potter kids count as tween stars, right? Well, I say they do.

I can remember when the trio was first cast, staring at these kids and gaping at how unbelievably young they looked. I mean, look at their little faces:


But they're growing up! Every time I pass a Half-Blood Prince poster I am startled by the sudden appearance of Man Felton. I'm still trying to get used to Man Radcliffe and Emma, who doesn't look like a grown-up quite yet but is maturing gracefully into a lovely older teen and proudly taking on the role of the one who always looks nicely put together while everyone else schlubs out confusedly. (Rupert, meanwhile, simply grows more Ruperty. This year he is Rupertier than ever.)

And, because Ginny is my favorite (no letters, please), I have paid especially close attention to Bonnie Wright, which is why I was especially disappointed in this:

OH BONNIE HONEY NO. A bagged-out long-sleeved black shirt, ill-fitting dark jeans, and inexplicably sandals? A necklace that adds nothing, plum lipstick, and a ponytail that makes me suspect you were actually jogging five minutes ago? You can do better! (So can Jessie Cave on the left there, but I don't actually have the strength to tackle that one.) She looks like me, circa 1999, on a drizzly April day when I had no clean clothing and a math test first period, but I had the excuse that it was 1999 and I wasn't attending a film premiere or whatever they're attending here. I can't help feeling like Emma is looking directly at me with that tired expression, saying "I know, Jess, I know. I tried to tell them! Stylists! Tailors!" Emma understands me.

So, of course, I was thrilled to see this:

OH BONNIE HONEY YES. This picture is ten miles of leg and ten miles of hair and ten miles of sass. I love it.

But the truly embarrassing thing is that as soon as I saw this picture, I actually said - out loud! - "See? You're such a pretty girl!"

So apparently, because I've watched her grow up, I think I am her mom.

In which case, I should probably tell her to stay away from Man Felton. That kid looks like trouble.*


*Not a commentary on Draco/Ginny, seriously, NO LETTERS I MEAN IT.

Miscellany

Here's another for the "I'm like this in real life, too," files. My boss and I have a weird habit of twittering at each other, despite the fact that we work at desks about five feet apart, in the same room, and if I swivel in my chair I can see his computer monitor as he types the tweet. So today, this exchange happened:

Me (upon seeing this news in my Google alerts): Wow. Even Kenny has backed out of High School Musical 4. That does note bode well for the franchise.

My boss: yknow what else didn't bode well for the High School Musical franchise? the first three.

Me: Says you. HSM2 had the best ratings of any program on cable, ever.

My boss: and now i'm terrified for the future of humanity. this is no way to start a week!

Also, my coworkers now bait me by asking whether I'm going to see the Jonas Brothers on tour. Because they hate me. (Or, more accuately, think it's funny when smoke pours out of my ears.)

Anyhoo. Speaking of fourths that probably shouldn't happen, Hannah Montana gets a fourth season. Quoth Miley, "The producers have proposed a change of setting for Season Four that will provide the catalyst for wonderful new characters and further expand the storytelling opportunities."

The only way that's good is if it leaves room for a spinoff consisting only of Oliver, Lilly, and Jackson as Miley goes off to have idiotic adventures elsewhere.

I'm like this in real life, too.

Actual conversation from my work place today. Setting the stage: my groovy coworker caught me dancing at my desk as I listened to my iPod.

Coworker: Are you...dancing?

Me: Maybe? It's dance-y music!

Coworker: Are you listening to High School Musical again?

Me: No.

Coworker: Miley Cyrus?

Me: No.

Coworker: ...Hannah Montana? Don't think you can trick me, I know they're the same person.

Me: No! ... Okay, I was just a minute ago when it came through on shuffle, but that's not the point! Sometimes I listen to things that were never on the Disney Channel at all!

Coworker: Uh huh. *glances at HSM2 promo hanging above my desk* Sure you do.

--
In other news, the South Park episode that, yes, is currently airing is a HSM parody. And it is AMAZING. I am laughing so hard I am crying and can barely type.