In case you forgot, we still hate the Jonii

Becky: Joe Jonas, WHAT ARE YOU.

Jess: I. I don't even. What.

Becky: I find it less loathesome than usual because I'm just sitting here going WHAT WHAT WHAT.

Jess: Same here. The hat is what pushes it over the edge into sheer madness for me.

Becky: Agreed.

Jess: Motorcycle tennis playing nonsense! For you!

Becky: I hope he wants her to call him Captain.

Jess: I assume then that she is Tenille?

Kids' Choice Awards 2010: I Didn't Actually Watch Them

So the Kids' Choice Awards! They were, uh, a couple of weeks ago. Look, I've been very busy writing a story about gay pirates, okay? It's serious business.

I didn't watch the actual show because I was out of town on a business trip, but I paid very close attention to all the follow-up coverage on the tween blogs. I have no strong feelings about the winners, except surprise over Slightly Worse Sprouse walking away with Choice TV Actor, and firm agreement that iCarly and Selena deserved their wins. I'm here to talk about the most important thing: the clothes. Specifically, the clothes on the tween starlets, because boys are boring, and I don't actually care about Rihanna and Katy Perry.

(Click on the pictures to embiggen.)

Best Dressed: Selena. You guys, she looks like a goddess. I love the summery yellow and the toga-like drape of the dress, and the gladiator-esque sandals and braided belt complement the Greek look without being cheesily on-the-nose about it (and, incidentally, make her legs look about a thousand miles long). The delicate gold accessories and loose side braid are appropriately girlish and, again, help to subtly buttress the theme without being, you know, a heavy collar and an updo and a "DO YOU GET IT THIS IS A GREEK LOOK?" A++++, would KCA again.

Runner Up: Ashley Argota. In preparation for this post I did a little research on Miss Double A Battery here, and YOU GUYS, I LOVE HER. Expect a flaily post about how I want her and Jennette McCurdy to make a thousand musicals about friendship and determination, okay? Anyway, it's not quite as unusual or striking as Selena's, but it's bright and springlike and fun, and she looks great in it, and when we're best friends she's totally going to let me borrow those shoes. I'm like 97% positive this is going to happen. Okay? Okay.




Close But No Cigar: Keke Palmer. Keke P will also be getting a post about how much I love her, because - brace yourselves - I also love her. And, you know, I can see what she's going for here - kind of a funky, unusual fabric (upon close examination those appear to be beads and not candy. alas.) to break up the usual "sundress, colorful pumps, minimal jewelry" look everyone was rocking. And she herself looks lovely, of course. But I just...I want to eat her dress. And I keep wondering if it hurt to sit in it. I feel like these reactions are not optimal! Also, the pockets are awkward.




Yawn: Demi. Clingy. Black. Silvery stuff. Half a size too tight. I repeat: yawn. Demi, there will be plenty of time for this sort of thing when you're a 20something starlet and you're not allowed to wear pastels. In the meantime, you're, like, what, 11 years old? Have a little fun! Wear something with color and flutter to it!

Also, she accessorized really poorly. Is it just me or does it look like Adopted is in costume as a young Doc Brown?


Yawn, Redux: Miranda. Miranda is so, so pretty. I included the closeup solely because I can't get over how insanely pretty she is. But this is so boring. She looks like she's headed to an eighth grade prom in Anywhereville, USA, not an awards show. There's nothing wrong with the dress or the shoes or the bangles, there's just...something missing. It needed something more. (Psst! Miranda! Next time accessorize with Former TV Big Brother and Jess's TV Crush Josh Peck and all is forgiven. Dude has been scarce lately.)

Disappointing: Jennette. I get the feeling Jennette gets tired of stomping around in Sam's board shorts and hoodies and converses, because she always goes all frilly and poofy at events. Which could work (even though Sam's costuming - and all the costuming - is one of the highlights of the show, and she looks adorable in it), but this doesn't. All the baggage around her waist just kind of makes her look like a turquoise creampuff, and also way too matronly for the KCA. My kingdom for a pared-down sundress!

The best-dressed member of the iCarly cast was actually Nathan, surprisingly enough. But look at him! He looks like a little man! (Which is exactly what I said, out loud, when I saw him.) He's totally dreamy if you're eight, and not even in that "eight-year-old girls like boys who look like girls" way - dude's got some shoulders. I love the shades and the cuff; he looks like he just snuck out behind his prep school to grab a smoke, but in a wholesome kind of way. Well done, sir.

(Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about boys. Hush, you.)

Not Winning Me Over, Newbie: Victoria Justice. Her new show looks incredibly blah (I like Leon Thomas and the rival seems amusingly caustic, but Victoria needs to go to the Miley Cyrus School of Shouting Is Not Acting, post haste), and in general the way Nickelodeon is promoting her everywhere (and it does seem to be Victoria Justice the Product, not Victorious the Show, that they're making a big, borderline-creepy deal over) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The Stacey McGill-esque emphasis on sort of hard-line sexy New York nightclub fashion here doesn't help - "Ooh la la, doesn't this shirring make my dress look tight? It's off-the-shoulder! Check out my peep-toe booties!" It's boring, I can see it walking down Madison Avenue every day of my life, and those booties make me sad, Victoria. Sad inside.

Would a Smile Kill You?: Miley. Nightshirt. Leggings (I think?). Those damn peep-toe booties. Hair. A sullen expression. Jeez, Miley, I know you're money and everything these days, but come on, you're still only 17, and this is the award show aimed directly at the people who made - and are still making - you famous. Make an effort.







Just...No: Justin Bieber. What is this, Bieber? Are the green shoes supposed to be Nickelodeon slime? Have your lower legs been devoured by the dreaded Lime Green Feet-Eating Snakes That Look Like Ugly High-Tops? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CHILD? Whatever it is, you need to stop. Immediately.







All pics from Just Jared, Jr., which shouldn't surprise anyone.

I'm so starstruck. Where "starstruck" means "bored."

So... Starstruck.

What is there to say? Last night Jess, Rachel, and I ate some chocolates and watched the movie. I woke up this morning and could not tell you a single thing about it. Starstruck wasn't kill-it-with-fire bad, unlike some DCOMs I could name, but it wasn't charming or entertaining or, well, anything. It just sort of... was a thing that was on the screen for a while there.

Basically: Sterling Knight, who we usually love, gave an entirely phoned-in performance as pop sensation Christopher Wilde, who can't escape the paparazzi no matter where he goes. He's being considered for a movie role, but the director tells him he won't get it if he keeps getting his picture on magazine covers with his girlfriend, because, you know, the people who make movies really, really hate it when their stars get free publicity, I guess. Meanwhile, Danielle Campbell, doing her best impression of a young Vanessa Hudgens, plays Jessica Olsen: a small-town girl who, due to wacky hijinks, ends up spending a day with SK trying to duck the paparazzi.

Naturally they fall for each other, despite the facts that they have zero chemistry, Jessica is really unpleasant, and nothing that happens makes any sense. SK has to pretend he doesn't know her so he can get the movie role, then decides he'd rather be with the girl than be in the movie, she gives a nonsensical speech to the press, he shows up at the school dance, and our TiVo spontaneously killed itself from the boredom a few minutes before the end.

And now, the commentary.

--

Becky: The first unfortunate thing is that Starstruck is also a Lady Gaga song.

Rachel: The second unfortunate thing is Sterling Knight's singing.

--

Jess: Wait, so the popular sister is the frumpy one?

Becky: I don't think on purpose.

Jess: Okay, the lady paparazzo's name is Libby Lam. You need to write that down so I can use it for a kicky girl reporter later.

--

Jess: Under 21 club! That's where all the movie stars go.

Becky: Ohhhhh, Brandon Smith. Are you sad you're always someone's sidekick?

Becky: Chelsea Staub is a super low-rent Amanda Bynes.

Rachel: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

--

Jess: The thing that's wrong with this, though, is that girls who are THIS INTO A POP STAR aren't cool and popular. They're insane and everyone knows it. Those girls I knew in high school who covered their walls, ceiling, and floor with pictures of NSYNC? Not popular!

--

SK's Mom/Manager: You look like a street kid.

Rachel: He looks like a STREET KID? Because he's in a T-SHIRT?

Becky: THERE IS A GIANT POSTER OF HIS FACE IN HIS LIVING ROOM! IT'S LIKE EAST HIGH ALL OVER AGAIN!

Jess: Oh man, I hope every DCOM from now on has a giant poster of someone's face. IT WORKED IN HSM. YOU MUST HAVE ONE.

Jess: Why is the older sister so old? She's clearly in her mid 20s.

Older Sister: *babbles something about chatting and texting and blogging*

Jess: OMG! Chats and texts and blogs! Kids today!

--

Jess: Why are they back at the same club?

Becky: It's the only club in LA!

Rachel: Did the black sidekick just talk about "chillin'"?

Jess: I'm more interested in why they appear to live together.

SK to Nico from SWATC: ...You live in my house for free, eat all my food, drive my car...

Jess: SEE?!!!

Jess: Why so many Libbies in this movie? There are at least three.

Becky: Not that one girl. She's smart because she was reading a book.

--

SK performs while wearing a shirt and some pants and looking bored.

Jess: They aren't even trying to make him look like a pop star.

Rachel: What are you talking about, he's wearing sunglasses!

Jess: They never taught him that if you pull the mic away from your face while you're singing, it looks real fake.

Nico from SWaC joins him onstage, rapping.

Jess: So the paid best friend is also famous...?

Rachel: I think you mean "kept boy."

Jess: What an excellent singing performance by Sterling's pet robot.

--

Becky: Why do they keep going to this one club?

Jess: Under 21 clubs are totally cool, and you should go to Disney's coolest club, in Downtown Disney in Orlando, Florida! Tell your parents, kids!

--

Little Sister wanders around a completely deserted alley, then pukes for no reason.

Jess: Oh, she's in the deserted part of LA. ... I like her Laura Ashley dress. She's California Casual, just like Dawn Shafer.

Rachel: Why is the sidekick in highwater pants?

Jess: Why did she puke, exactly? Is she pregnant? That would be the best movie ever.

Rachel: Spoiler: she's not pregnant. But if she was, and Sterling had to marry her and pretend to be the father --

Jess: I would watch that SO HARD.

[hilarious shadow puppets and slap fighting]

--

Jess: SK and boring girl are wearing the same shade of lip gloss!

--

Jess: BWAHAHA, HIS NAME IS UP IN LIGHTS IN HIS ROOM. It would be so much better if he were playing this as Chad Dylan Cooper and not trying to be appealing.

--

Rachel: I wish the girl didn't have to be so virginal and deliver every line in that baby voice. Oh hi, I can't talk to boys if they aren't in my bible study group!

Jess: Are you gonna give me a promise ring? Otherwise I can't hold your hand!

--

Becky: This song has been going on for a really long, boring time.

Rachel: The girl agrees with you.

Jess: La la la, I have feelings and I sing high... if I sang low, I'd be threatening to 12-year-olds...

Rachel: But to be fair, he's more on key than Taylor Swift singing live.

Jess: I like his autotune. He keeps it in his pocket in case he needs it.

Rachel: Which he does.

[This song: How is it still going on??? The girl escapes to the garage, which is full of sports cars in eye-searingly bright primary colors.]

Jess: Are those Crayola cars? Or... what the Power Rangers drive?

[SK sings along with himself on the radio]

J, R, B in unison: NO NOT AGAIN.

Becky: Acting-wise, this girl is on about the same level as Hudge in the first HSM.

Jess: You mean eye-gougingly bad?

Becky: YES, EXACTLY.

--

SK and Little Sister push SK's car into Little Sister's empty garage. No, that's not a euphemism.

Jess: Why are they PUSHING the car? Why don't the parents have ANY cars?

Becky: What happened to the car they had earlier?!

Jess: Where'd he get that bucket hat, 1996??

--

Jess: Big Sister doesn't want to talk to Little Sister about why she (Big Sister) gets taken home by her celebrity crush's best friend after she (Little Sister) disappears? Okay. Also, I love how smug the older sister looks for no reason.

Rachel: I love her wide-eyed look of total crazy.

Becky: Little Sister is a mildly better actress when she's being bitchy.

Becky: Where did she run to? Why the close up of Little Sister just staring at nothing?

Jess: I like that they're wearing that matching look-what-gender-I-am hoodies.

Jess: Why does she hate her sister so much that she wouldn't even be like, "Please say hi to my sister"?

Rachel: Becky, if I ever meet Corbin Bleu, I'm not telling you.

--

SK and Little Sister run away from the beach to avoid the paparazzi.

Jess: Maybe he should buy an old, shitty car if he's sick of the paparazzi spotting him in nice ones. Also, do the paparazzi really helpfully drive around in giant, sinister black vans?

SK and Little Sister hide by pulling their shirts up over their noses.

Becky: "Where is Sterling Knight and that girl he's with? I just see a strange couple here with no bottom of their heads!"

Rachel: Are we about to have an "LA is awesome" montage? Because...LA isn't awesome.

--

Becky: They aren't trying at all with the acting.

Jess: She might be. Maybe she's just bad at it. ... Oh, her FACE. Nose scrunch of fake cuteness!

Becky: Uh, so, NO ONE in LA recognizes him, but the paparazzi stalk NO ONE ELSE? Gosh, I wonder if those photos will be a plot point later. Someone might find them! [Note from the future: Shockingly, they weren't. SK just moped over the slideshow of them he put on his laptop. Which is kind of even better.]

Jess: I hope it's her sister, who then STABS HER IN THE EYE.

--

SK and Little Sister get lost.

Rachel: It's not this hard to find the highway in LA!

Becky: Well, girls are bad navigators, and boys don't stop for directions!

Jess: I bet she wants to go buy shoes!

Becky: Are they stuck in quicksand? ... Oh my god, THEY ARE ACTUALLY STUCK IN QUICKSAND. I was joking.

The car is literally completely submerged.

Jess: Oh, it's just water. HOW DID HE DRIVE INTO THAT? THAT IS A LAKE.

Rachel: She didn't say to turn, and she's the navigator!

Jess: How is that the road?!!

SK: Dad, there's no signal, can you hear me?

Jess: Maybe if you'd put the phone by your mouth.

Little Sister: I'm going to beach where my sister is probably freaking out!!!

Jess: Not that you've cared for the past five hours!

--

[Some promo thing featuring Demi and the Jonii, um... doing fake old-school, Run DMC-style hip hop? And Nick implores us to keep it funky, and keep bouncing? And we don't hate it and find Demi adorable and the Jonii tolerable? WHAT IS HAPPENING, THE WORLD IS TOPSY TURVY. IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE HAVING A COLLECTIVE STROKE.]

--

Becky: Doesn't she have a right to be cranky? He did just drive her grandmother's car into a lake.

Jess: A very small, very deep lake.

--

Becky: ... wait, did she just say his black sidekick is his DRIVER???

Jess: WOW, is that inappropriate.

--

SK and Little Sister play in a lake. A clean one this time, not a hidden muddy car-eating one.

Becky: So since she was pissed, he dropped her in the lake...

Rachel: ...And now they're in love!

--

Jess: AUGH, his delivery.

Rachel: He's not even trying.

Jess: "Yeah this is fun, whatever, I'll say lines I guess..."

--

Jess: What's on his face?

Rachel: Eh, that's just his face.

--

Rachel: "I'm his driver! Or possibly his best friend, or possibly a rapper."

--

SK: "That was close!"

Rachel: "I almost acted!"

--

SK and Little Sister break up or something. LIKE TEN TIMES.

Jess: They've ended this scene, like, four times already.

Rachel: It's like the end of LotR. There are just going to be more hobbits on the bed. Also, if I hadn't seen SK in anything else, I'd think he was the worst actor ever.

Jess: And singer.

Rachel: I do think that, actually.

--

Becky: If he hates taking pictures, why did he just... walk up to those girls and take pictures?

--

Rachel: She's the only brunette in LA!

Rachel: Why would the paparazzi pay attention to the one crying girl? Isn't there always a crying girl around a pop star? And why does Sterling only know one chord?

Jess: And why did Big Sister just sit around at his table, in his house, and then just leave without waiting to see him or anything?

--

Rachel: Nice giant American flag, Boy Miley.

Jess: Is it man-hug time? Why is Nico from SWaC dressed for golf?

--

[Blonde girlfriend breaks up with him]

SK: ...O...kay...

Rachel: The first word he's delivered well!

[She walks out. Nico from SWaC looks triumphant.]

Jess: "She dumped you! We can finally be together!"

--

Becky: Why is NO ONE is upset by the destruction of the pink car???

--

Plot: Throws up all over the screen.

Becky: Sterling, if you were serious about being in a movie, you would NEVER try and get more exposure in the press!

Jess: How dare you look at girls?!! It's a movie about a gay guy! Go make out with your sidekick!!

Rachel: Also, she's not doing anything in the picture! He's not even in it! It's just a picture of a girl!

Jess: It's like if someone took a picture of us tonight and was like, "STERLING KNIGHT IN ORGY WITH THREE JEWS!"

Jess: Also, OH MY GOD, he is doing the RIGHT THING by telling them not to follow you around because do you really want the paparazzi STALKING YOU? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

--

Little Sister makes a tearful speech to the paparazzi about how horribly horrible they are for insinuating that SK dates girls.

Becky: Why are they there?!! What are you crying about??! WHAT IS GOING ON, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW ARE THEY TEARING HIM DOWN BY SAYING HE'S DATING A PERSON???

Rachel: Becky, he can't date a girl.

Jess: They have cooties. Also, way to totally confirm that you know him, Little Sister.

--

Becky: What... WHAT are Brandon Smith's pants?

Jess: They're leggings. Purple ones. Also, he's the only one TRYING to act.

--

Becky: Pausing to rant. Just FYI, because I'm the only one who's watched Another Cinderella Story all the way through (and fair enough), but there is TOTALLY A SCENE in that where Drew Seeley talks to his token black sidekick and then storms in to talk to his parental manager and fires her. And yeah, Drew Seeley? WAY BETTER fake pop star than Sterling Knight.

Jess: Because he's a fake pop star in real life.

--

Becky: "Come to the dance with me. I've been horrible to you and you keep ditching me and leaving me places, and also didn't help me meet the guy I'm in love with who you spent all that time with, but it's totally cool because we're sisters!"

Little Sister: "You're a good sister."
Big Sister: "Aww. Pretend you don't know me."

Us: HA.

--

Becky: Oh godddd, he's going to sing again. SK, you need to Christian Bale this shit right off your resume.

Jess: Couldn't he have just, like, held up a boombox or something?

[And then the TiVo cut the damn thing off for no reason!]

Becky: Okay. Well... let's make up an ending.

Rachel: She slaps him and is like, "Don't use my high school dance as your forum."

Jess: And he goes back to Hollywood and cries. Then he makes out with his best friend. The end.

--

So in conclusion... That was a waste of our time. When we tune in to DCOMs, we expect crazy capers and wacky hijinks, not to be bored to death. We don't watch DCOMs for quality (it's an occasional bonus), we watch to be entertained. Starstruck wasn't outright terrible, but it committed the cardinal sin of boring the crap out of us.

Not to mention that it was a little bit infuriating that SK seems to have just decided not to act throughout it. He was never going to make a great fake pop star -- he's a decent actor, but not a singer or dancer -- but he's almost always charming. Here, it seems like he didn't even try. (Seriously, dude, you are too good for this, talent-wise, but you're not famous enough to just phone it in.)

On the other hand, both of the sisters were just dreadful. SK wasn't trying; they were, we assume, but they were just bad at their jobs.

Overall, the only thing about this that was actually at all enjoyable, or good? Brandon Smith. He's consistently amusing on Sonny With a Chance, and was both entertaining and actually decent at acting in his few scenes in here. Disney, get this kid his own DCOM where he doesn't have to be someone's sidekick, please.

Miscellanea

I haven't posted here in forever, have I? I suck. In lieu of actual posts containing the hard-hitting making-fun-of-the-Jonas-Brothers you've come to expect from Tweenage, have some quick links 'n' stuff:

- This picture made me laugh because it's so hilariously emblematic of the HP kids. Bonnie: 16 going on 40. Man Radcliffe: Looking like the world's most formal elfin interior decorator. Emma: Rocking an age-appropriate trend that I would probably loathe on anyone else. Rupert: Looking unaware that the British do not generally make stoner comedies, so he can probably stop being all method about it; also, like a hobo. Tom: Not as cool as he thinks he is. And I don't know who that other dude is.

- Dylan and Cole Sprouse Play Video Games with the Eldery. I seriously thought that was an Onion headline at first.

- Just for Becky: Esteban returns to Suite Life! Set the TiVo!

- Okay, a little making fun of the Jonas Brothers, from the always-fabulous Kate Beaton.

- And finally, in the spirit of the holiday, have some Alyson Stoner, who is far more adorable and talented than Camp Rock would lead you to believe:

Miscellany

Here's another for the "I'm like this in real life, too," files. My boss and I have a weird habit of twittering at each other, despite the fact that we work at desks about five feet apart, in the same room, and if I swivel in my chair I can see his computer monitor as he types the tweet. So today, this exchange happened:

Me (upon seeing this news in my Google alerts): Wow. Even Kenny has backed out of High School Musical 4. That does note bode well for the franchise.

My boss: yknow what else didn't bode well for the High School Musical franchise? the first three.

Me: Says you. HSM2 had the best ratings of any program on cable, ever.

My boss: and now i'm terrified for the future of humanity. this is no way to start a week!

Also, my coworkers now bait me by asking whether I'm going to see the Jonas Brothers on tour. Because they hate me. (Or, more accuately, think it's funny when smoke pours out of my ears.)

Anyhoo. Speaking of fourths that probably shouldn't happen, Hannah Montana gets a fourth season. Quoth Miley, "The producers have proposed a change of setting for Season Four that will provide the catalyst for wonderful new characters and further expand the storytelling opportunities."

The only way that's good is if it leaves room for a spinoff consisting only of Oliver, Lilly, and Jackson as Miley goes off to have idiotic adventures elsewhere.

No mo' MoFoJoBros

We've been a little harsh on the Jo Bros around here from time to time. But today we saw this picture and had a few epiphanies. Jonii, we take back everything mean we've ever said. We *love* you.


Jess: Oh my God, Becky. I can't decide which one is hottest.

Becky: I can't even decide which one wears skin tight shorts best. But -- siiiigh -- Kevin's "come hither" look is too much to resist. Oh Kevvy. I'd go thither.

Jess: I like the way he pops his collar. I read somewhere that tools do that? And tools are like, totally useful things, right? So Kevin's popped collar is telling me that he is useful and necessary! Take that, people who think he is a superfluous Jonas!

Becky: I love his bracelet. He doesn't just wear a purity ring, he accessorizes. But I wish the picture didn't cut off so we'd be able to see if he was wearing shorts like Nick and Joe are. I love when the Bros are cute and matchy!

Jess: I don't know, Becky. I think if we could see three sets of Jonian knees, this blog might catch fire with the hotness. It'd be Burning Up! Just like their song! (But not like their crotches, because they are pure.)

Becky: Speaking of which, Joe, you look fabulous in jewel tones. Nick's shorts are fine and all, but I loooooooooooooove yours.

Jess: I like best that they are just a leeeetle too tight across the crotch, if you know what I mean. I like the way he balances his tight, feminine shorts with Little Joe, sort of the way he balances all that makeup and that Lesley Gore hair with those masterful eyebrows of his.

Becky: I think what I love best is the sheer modesty at work in the polka-dotted, pearly-white-buttoned outer shirt/white undershirt combination. There's just a hint of clavicle and collar bone. Joe, you tease!

Jess: Mmm, I know. But I think Nicky Boy takes the prize for modesty. He looks so businesslike in his tie! I love how it's backwards! And is that a hint of tummy I see?

Becky: And not to keep coming back to crotches, but who knew material from an old tarp could be so flattering around a boy's area?

Jess: No kidding. Spring has sprung, indeed.

So, Wastelanders, tell us: which Jonas do you think is the dreamiest? (The correct answer, of course, is "All of them!")

Pic taken, with apologies, from Jonas-Pictures.Com.

Waxy Buildup

Can you tell which set of MoFoJoBros is made of wax? Me neither.


Picture from WireImage, obviously. Hat tip to my friend Mackenzie.

A Letter, A Video, and A Deep Thought

Dear Obama Family,

Not even you can make the Jonas Brothers endearing. Even if you are the absolute cutest things that have ever, ever happened. Though at least if Malia must love the Jonii, she has the relatively-non-bad taste to like Least Detestable best.

That is all.

Love,
Becky

The Video

Now, some not-really-deep thinky thoughts. Sasha and Malia are becoming famous tweens in their own rights. So do they continue to be mostly media consumers, lovin' on the MoFoJoBros, Miley, etc; or do they become trend setters in and of themselves? Both? Perhaps we could get some kind of wacky TV show out of it -- the First Daughters Variety Hour! I'd watch it. It would have to be better government-based comedy than Corey in the House.

Post-Jonii Obama News

This just in from Countdown With Keith Olbermann: While President and Michelle Obama are off attending various balls and dancing, Sasha and Malia are home in the White House, entertaining other politicians' kids. They are, apparently, having a viewing of High School Musical 3.

Definitely vastly preferable to the MoFoJoBros.

A Letter for the President

Dear President-Elect Obama,

Congratulations on your imminent presidency! We here at Tweenage are very happy about it, what with you being a public-speaking genius, a self-proclaimed feminist, a non-crazy person who actually knows, like, where other countries are and stuff, and only a few days away from winning the Dreamiest President Ever competition, which Franklin Pierce has been hogging since 1857.

That said, we fear you might be starting your presidency off on the wrong foot by inviting the Jonas Brothers to play at the Inaugural Ball. You're very busy being President-Elect and choosing puppies and stuff, so you might not know this, but they're detestable. Two of them are made of wax, and they sing like they're constipated. Plus, one of them thinks he's a cowboy, and I think we've had enough pretend cowboys in the White House for a while, don't you?

We understand that your daughters are under the inexplicable spell of the Jonas Brothers (you may want to ask the FDA to check the nation's elementary and middle school cafeteria lunches for hallucinogens, which might go far in explaining this Jonian popularity), but Miley Cyrus was also supposedly asked to perform, and surely she should be enough, what with her actually being good at singing and all. Please reconsider retracting this invitation to the Jonii. Perhaps you can instead extend an invitation to them to be the first Americans to colonize the sun? I'm sure NASA would be happy to rocket them far, far away.

Thank you for your time, and enjoy your inauguration. Say hi to the Lincoln Memorial for us!

Love and fist bumps,

Jess and Becky
Tweenage Wasteland, America

P.S. You may be amused by this article. Just be aware, they spelled the names wrong. For example, "Joe" is spelled "M-O-S-T-D-E-T-E-S-T-A-B-L-E."

Disney Channel Games

So this blog may be having interesting effects on my life, because I'm paying a lot more attention to the various Disney kids than I used to. Which means, in short, that when I watched the Disney Channel Games, I not only knew who most of the kids involved were, but I also had a serious preference for which team I wanted to win.

Specifically, the red team. Because first, their captain was Brenda Song, who is like my favorite ever. They also had Jason Earles and Mitchel Musso Sandwich Boy, both of whom I enjoy quite a bit. On the down side, they had the HaraGossip Girls from Camp Rock, but like in Camp Rock, they had basically no screen time. Not even inexplicable songs at the end! And, of course, they were saddled with a Jonas. But at least it was Least Detestable.

The team I liked least was the green team, which featured both Most Detestable Jonas and Slight Worse Sprouse. There was no one else I cared about either way on it -- some sidekicks from various shows, including Guy Whose Hair Goes to the Right (Jason Dolley), but since only Most Detestable and SWS ever appeared on camera, there was nothing to redeem the team.

Everyone else was split up pretty evenly. The blue team had Demi Lovato. Once upon a time, the amount of irritation Demi causes me would have been canceled out by adorable Alyson Stoner, but I'm still mad at Alyson for sucking as hard as everyone else in Camp Rock. But on the up side, they had Shin Koyamada, who is absolutely adorable and costarred with Brenda in Wendy Wu, which is one of my favorite DCOMs. And they had Slightly Better Sprouse, who was just as awkwardly non-athletic as you would imagine.

Yellow had less to it: Selena Gomez and her Scary Pageant Baby Face -- though I've become oddly somewhat fond of her, Extra Jonas, Kyle Massey (who I fail to find charming, but I don't detest), and Moises, who seems less detestable as himself than when he's playing a character.

For me, the highlight of the game was definitely Sandwich Boy and Jason Earles pattering at one another (Mitchel playing guitar, and Jason complaining about it) because I have long maintained that I really like all of the non-Hannah or -Robby Ray characters on that show, and by extension, have become fond of the actors. Then they teamed up to score four goals (or something like that) in human-sized foose ball. (Then they got their butts handed to them by the French guy, which was pretty awesome, too.)

Lowlight of the games was the sibling rivalry game, where the Sprouses, Jonii, and Cheetah Girls ('cause... they're siblings, I guess) had to play against one another. Most Detestable and SWS were on a team together and won, and proved in the process that they were just as horrible as they always come across. Yuck.

Overall? The games try to hard to be charming and zany. I miss the HSM kids, who are now too good for this shit, and wish there had been fewer performances by the Jonii, because, well, my feelings on the Jonii are well known. But on the other hand, if they had Disney Channel Games every week, I would totally tune in.

Billboard Blues

I work in New York, and every day on my way from my office to the bus station, I walk through the intersection of 7th Ave and 40th St (very near Times Square, for those not up on their NYC geography). Obviously I walk through that intersection on my way to work as well, but on my way from work I'm facing the giant billboards they have up.

A couple months ago one of those billboards was a bunch of celebrities making a pyramid, including Corbin Bleu and Pete Wentz. Corbin was pleasing to me, of course, but Pete Wentz kind of grosses me out, so it was basically a wash.

Then they changed it to the cover of the latest MoFoJoBros album, which, as you can probably guess, made me very unhappy. I try to avoid the MoFoJoBros! I do not need to see them on my daily commute!

This week, it's changed again. It is now Jesse McCartney getting Archie-style lipstick kisses from some girls. And man, you know, if you had asked me last week if there was something that would have irritated me more than having to look at the Jonii every day, I would have been hard pressed to come up with something, but it turns out there is! At least the Jonii are relevant. Jesse McCartney is so irrelevant that I refuse to make a tag for him, and we have two separate tags for Ashley Tisdale.

Look. J-Mac has been pursuing the elusive carrot of fame for like ten years now and never getting any closer. And he ages like a Sprouse (in that instead of looking older he just...ferments). He totally looks like that guy from high school who looked kind of like Nick Carter except he had bad skin and his eyebrows were too close together. This is what happens when you get Lou Perlman to steal you some Carter DNA and then don't refrigerate it properly! It goes sour.

Luckily, in two weeks I'll be moving and won't be walking through that intersection on a daily basis. But I'll still have to go there on Wednesdays when I hit the comic book shop! And so, Billboard Committee of New York, I beg of you to swap this ucky thing out for a different picture. My suggestion: Lucas Grabeel. Holding a kitten.

(Across the street from this billboard is Emily Osment advertising Vanilla Star Jeans. This is much nicer to look at! Emily is about 115% adorable.)

Remember when I posted about things other than the MoFoJoBros?

...Those were the days, huh? Look, I swear I'm working on a HSM3-related posted! It just takes a lot more effort to write something other than straight vitriol! Speaking of which.



So one of the reasons why Most Detestable grosses me out so much is that he is so weirdly smooth -- like, his skin has all been sanded with a fine-grit sandpaper until it glistens in an incredibly unappealing way. I have ranted aloud at Jess many times about how I would prefer for him to never show any skin at all. But as the (gag, retch) heartthrob of the group, Most Detestable is often shirtless or unbuttoned. If I must look at him, I would prefer for him to not just wear a shirt at all times, but if we could get him in, like, a turtleneck, long (loose, not skinny) jeans, high-tops, a ski mask, and a friggin' pair of mittens, that would be best. I do not ever want to see any of his skin. At all. Ew.

My point: in the above picture, one of the Most Detestables is made of wax. And damn, but it's hard to tell which one.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

(Source.)

STFU, MoFoJoBros.

You know, every time I think I can't possibly loathe the Jonii -- from here on out, MoFoJoBros* -- any more, but then somehow I find a way AND I DO.

Ahem.

Want to date Kevin? Save the whining for your friends. "We're not ever really with people 'cause we're always traveling," Kevin said. "And you get on the phone and they're like, 'My day is awful, blah,' and you're like, 'This is not what I need right now!'"

Yes, GOD FORBID your girlfriend want to talk to you about things that matter to HER. Stoner Jonas, you're demoted back to Extra. Now STFU.

Joe has a similar stipulation for his potential love interests. "This is hard, but if they are nagging and annoying, you're like, 'Go away.'"

And yet despite my rather loud nagging of the universe, YOU will not go away. STFU, Most Detestable.

Speaking of collaborations, the dudes recently worked with Disney sibling and "Camp Rock" co-star Demi Lovato on her album. They said it was a great experience — but a little strange. "It was weird writing a song talking about a boy!" Joe laughed. Kevin added, "We were like, 'So this is what girls go through.'"

Yes, congratulations. You wrote a song about "him" instead of "her." You now know exactly what it's like to be a girl. STFU, both of you.

Jess and I have a theory that Adopted is the least detestable because he talks the least. That theory? TOTALLY CONFIRMED.

* Yes, the motherfucking Jonas Brothers, so dubbed by our LJ-feed-reader thatjamiegirl. Brilliant!

WHO AUTHORIZED THIS? SOMEONE NEEDS A BITCHSLAPPING!

A few people may know: I am a big Beatles fan. Srsly. Like, during my spell of 13-hours workdays last week, I looked on the bright side and used it as an excuse to listen to the Beatles canon all the way through. I own numerous Beatles biographies. I've seen Backbeat. I've been the DJ for an all-Beatles radio show, for god's sake.

So no, I never approved of the Target commercials that use mediocre covers of "Hello Goodbye" misspelled as "GoodBuy." (Guess what that song's not about? HINT: BUYING CHEAP PLASTIC SHIT.) But -- sputtering with rage -- the combination of Target commercial + new cover of the song by the GODDAMN JONAS BROTHERS?

I thing steam is literally coming out my ears.*

It's not that the Beatles weren't commercial. They were; Paul McCartney once commented that he and John would sit down and say, "Hey, let's write us a new swimming pool." And it's not that I think the Beatles are too sacred for covering; lots of people do very, very good covers of Beatles songs.

It's the combination of the fucking smarm of a few untalented kids selling shit for a mega corporation. I swear to god, if I ever hear one of them pull the traditional tween star line, "It's like Beatlemania..." (which has always enraged me, every time a boyband says it, even the ones I like) I will throw up.

SO ANGRY.

(Okay. Sorry. Had to get that out of my system. Back to your irregularly scheduled updates about how cute Emily Osment is now.)

* Okay, not literally. But I did yell aloud and stomp around the apartment.

An important IM message.

Becky: I just had to capslock wtf at you because SERIOUSLY, does adopted think he is ORVILLE REDENBACHER

Ahahahaha

So my life is super stressful right now, and to cheer myself up, I just watch this over and over again (mostly on mute so I don't accidentally listen to them).



Oh, Jonas Brothers. I'd rather watch this looped for two hours than ever sit through Camp Rock again.

Camp Rock Night: A Night of Pain

Starring your bloggers, Jess and Becky, with special guest star Becky's Sister Rachel.

Did you watch Camp Rock? We did!

Do you bitterly regret it? We do!

The plot, such as it is: Demi Lovato rilly rilly wants to go to Camp Rock, but her parents can’t afford it – until her mother takes a job working as the chef there, yays! Meanwhile, “rock star” Shane Gray, a.k.a. Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, is…teaching classes at the camp? Which he used to attend? To clean up his “bad boy” image that he earned doing unspecified bad things? Whatever. Even though Alyson Stoner is ready to have gay sex with Demi the minute she walks into the camp, Demi wants to be accepted by the popular kids, consisting of a blond alpha bitch and her HaraGossip Girls, so she lies and tells them her mother is a bigshot music exec in China. Also, PGL hears her singing and falls in love with her voice, but can’t find her anywhere! Oh noes!

Demi doesn’t put up with PGL’s shit and he finds that refreshing and they fall in love, or something. There’s also a scene where she covers her face in flour to disguise herself, and it’s never made clear whether he knows it’s her or not. It’s really, really stupid. Blondie finds out the truth about Demi’s mom and reveals it to the camp, and frames her for stealing Blondie’s charm bracelet, which seems like overkill to me, but whatever. It does get Demi banned from the big end-of-summer performance competition. One of Blondie’s sidekicks tells Blondie to go fuck herself and then wins the competition, and then Demi performs her Big Song, and PGL forgives her for lying about being rich and they hold hands. The end!

7:54 Becky has already screamed "Oh my God I hate you" at Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, and the movie hasn't even started yet.

7:58 A preview for Camp Rock plays, just in case you somehow didn't know what was going to be on now.

Rachel: Now I know the whole movie.

7:59 The CR kids are sitting around in a room. A Jonas is playing the bongos.

Rachel: Bongos? Really? The bongos?

Jess: What is on Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas's head?

Becky: A cockatoo?

8:00 We open with an establishing shot of a beautiful suburban house.

Becky: Isn't that the house where Troy lives?

Demi wakes up, smiles with all eight million of her teeth, puts on a CD, and jumps around.

Rachel: Who still makes mix CDs? Who doesn't just download mp3s? Oh, I guess Miss Perky Pajama Pants doesn't.

Jess: She's not as endearing as she's trying so hard to be.

Becky: But she's genuine. You can tell because she's a brunette.

8:02 PETER GALLAGHER-LOOKING JONAS'S NAME IS SHANE GRAY?

Rachel: Hee hee hee! Look at the moody Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

8:03 Demi wants to go to Camp Rock.

Mom: We just can't swing it right now.

Becky: Really? Because I saw the exterior of your house.

Rachel: But they're just renting it from the Boltons.

Demi: Gotta go, last day of school.

Rachel: Why it always the motherfucking last day of school?

8:05 Demi goes to school for no reason and hangs out with her friend, Worst Friend Ever.
Worst Friend Ever: *is the worst friend ever*

8:06 The mom is the cook for Camp Rock now, so Demi's going to Camp Rock!

Becky: Wouldn't they have known about this MONTHS in advance?

Rachel: What ninth or tenth grader wouldn't be mortified by having her mom be a chef at the rock and roll camp she wants to go to?

Now we're at Camp Rock. Surprise!

Becky: Why did that kid just do a backflip?

Jess: Children are gyrating. I find it disconcerting.

8:09 We meet the camp director. He's Australian, so we'll call him Oz.

Oz: I'm a former member of the [band name we don’t quite catch].

Jess: The WHITE Crows?

Rachel: The WET Crows?

Oz: *pretends to be important*

Mom: You know Aerosmith?

Rachel: He doesn't know Aerosmith! He doesn't know ANYONE! Well, he might know the Jonas Brothers. Do not sleep with him.

Demi bumps into the villain of the piece.

Evil Blonde Girl: *is evil*

Becky: You, madam, are no Sharpay Evans.

Adorable Alyson Stoner shows up. Usually we love her, but she's terrible in this movie, I guess to make everyone else feel better. She's a dancer, so they decided to showcase her skills by making her…a music producer.

Alyson: (on Blondie) She's the diva of Camp Rock.

Jess: "And I'm clearly the eclectic outsider!"

Rachel: How is there only one diva at a performing arts camp?

8:12 A way-too-excited woman introduces herself as…Dia La Duke, I’m pretty sure. Some boys appear out of nowhere and start dancing.

Becky: Oh, I get it! It's a crack hallucination!

Rachel: Those shorts certainly are.

8:13 They’re making PGL Jonas teach at camp, for some reason.

PGL: I don't want to spend my summer at some stupid camp! I'm SHANE GRAY, for crying out loud!

Rachel: Never have eyebrows emoted so hard.

Extra: This is where Connect Three connected.

That line: *was amazing*

Extra: Oh, and can you make me a birdhouse or something?

Jess: Is he stoned?

Rachel: He's totally stoned!

Jess: He's my new favorite!

8:18 Demi is snubbed by Blondie and her friends.

Becky: So she's sad because she doesn't get to be a snotty bitch?

Rachel: No, she has to go play piano alone in a room somewhere, so PGL can overhear her and spend the whole summer being like "BUT WHO?"

8:19 Extra and Adopted Jonas drop PGL off at camp.

Jess: They left? They just left him?

Rachel: They hate him too!

8:21 Demi goes to play piano alone in a room somewhere. PGL overhears her.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh till they cry*

8:23 Some random girl sings a song at one of Camp Rock’s nightly impromptu performances. It’s terrible.

Jess: Film rant time! If you open the movie with a non-diagetic musical number, the diagetic ones that follow will all look like drug trips. Although I supposed these outfits don't help that.

8:25 Plot: *craps itself all over the screen*

Here follows a ten minute discussion of how Disney doesn't understand class issues. Basically people whose father owns a hardware store and whose mother runs her own catering business and who live in a beautiful suburban mini-mansion are not tragically poor, and even if they were, no one would react the way they do in this movie.

8:27 Ashley from Hannah Montana is basically continuing to play Ashley from Hannah Montana, except this version can sing (for definitions of “can sing” that mean “cannot sing”). Why won’t Disney let Asian girls be smart? Do they think they are fighting prejudice this way or something?

Mom: Can you believe none of these cookbooks have recipe for chili for 300?

Rachel: You don't know how to make chili?

Jess: You don't know how to multiply?

Becky: You're a caterer and you've never cooked for a large crowd before?

8:29 Jess: WHY IS EVERYONE SO GREASY?

8:30 Blondie’s mommy doesn’t love her.

Jess and Becky: Awww.

Don’t worry. We still don’t like her. Also…

Jess: What the fuck kind of bunk has glass windows and throw rugs?

8:32 Rachel: I hate this movie.

Jess: What happened to the Jonas who was abandoned in the woods? Has he been eaten by a bear?

Rachel: He's still in that room yelling "BUT WHO?"

8:33 Rachel: Okay, Alyson Stoner has a thing for Demi, right?

Becky and Jess: Yes.

Alyson: So your music - is it any good?

Rachel: "I love you."

Alyson: So I'll see you around.

Rachel: "I love you."

8:34 PGL Jonas is cruelly awoken by Oz, who tells him he has a class to teach in five minutes.

Jess: Ugh, the Jonas is in his underwear.

Oz throws water on PGL.

Rachel: Ugh, now the Jonas is wet and in his underwear.

8:36 Oz: Don't argue with finger.

Your Reviewers: WHAT?

Becky: I liked this scene better when it was in Sister Act.

8:38 Demi has her OH MY GOD SHE’S SO TALENTED WE HAD NO IDEA LOL moment. (She isn’t, actually, that talented.)

Becky: She sings like Miley acts in the first season of Hannah Montana, where no one told her there was a difference between acting and yelling.

Jess: This scene has killed me. I'm dead now.

8:39 Demi is “working” (for the same definition of “work” employed (ha!) by the HSM kids) in the kitchen. PGL walks in.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh for ten minutes*

Demi: *covers her face with flour for NO GODDAMN REASON*

PGL: *yells at her about his very important food allergies*

Rachel: He's not gonna recognize her later because she's not going to be covered in flour. I just want to make sure you guys know that.

Becky: Also, he has very important food allergies.

Jess: There's nothing manlier than important food allergies.

Becky: And tight white jeans.

Rachel: Well, you could probably fit a finger in there.

Jess: Why would you say that to us? People you supposedly like?

8:44 PGL heads off to teach his class.

Rachel: Wasn't his class ages ago? Days ago?

8:45 The “class” begins.

Rachel: Bring back stoned Jonas! I want to know more about the birdhouse.

PGL’s Pants: *make Your Reviewers cover their eyes*

8:46 Becky: Okay, they painted those pants onto him, and it's not okay. Those aren't even jeans. They're leggings with pockets.

Jess: PGL can't dance. Why are they doing this horrible routine?

PGL: *is suddenly so gay for some drumming kid, what the hell*

8:50 Mom: *apparently wants Demi to date girls, okay*

8:52 Rachel: Blondie is the extremely low, low rent Amanda Bynes.

8:55 Girls: *throw spaghetti at each other for no reason*

Rachel: No one has any sauce for this spaghetti. They should complain to the caterer.

Oz: *uses the Finger*

Jess: Is he going to make the three of them spend the rest of the summer in the isolation cabin and then they're going to discover that they're twins?

8:57 PGL sings a stupid song to Demi.

Becky: Full of hate full of hate full of hate full of hate…

Jess: Who is singing backup with him? Are they on the lake?

Becky: The other Jonii are naiads!

Jess: I want them to paddle by in kayaks, singing.

Rachel: Okay, but this makes no sense, because the scene before was totally incoherent. She was like "That's good," and he was like "WHAT THAN MY STUPID COOKIE-CUTTER POP MUSIC?" and she was like "I like that music" and then he was like I LOVE YOU. Also, why did she go over there with her guitar in the first place? He clearly didn't want to jam with her.

Jess: PGL and Demi can't jam together. They can EAT jam together.

[Pause to wash dishes and order food. The timestamps are now totally inaccurate. Sorry.]

9:16 Jess: Do they not know it's summer? Because everyone keeps wearing boots.

Demi is mean to Alyson, but redeems herself by also being mean to Blondie.

Rachel: What an odd moral. We learned that it's okay to be mean as long you're mean to everyone. Then you get to date a Jonas Brother, which I guess is God's punishment to you for being mean to everyone.

9:19 Alyson (who got punished for sauceless spaghetti-throwing by being forced to work in the kitchen and DISCOVERED DEMI’S SECRET ZOMG) and Demi are blowing up balloons and laughing. Demi ditches Alyson for Blondie. Alyson’s balloon deflates.

Jess: Aw, sad lesbian balloon.

Becky: Wait, so Alyson does work and Demi totally doesn't?

9:21 The other Jonii show up! Well, via the phone.

Stoner Jonas: How's my birdhouse coming?

Your Reviewers: YAY!

Stoner Jonas: I want more birds in my -

Jess: WHY IS ADOPTED WEARING A SPEEDO?

Meanwhile, back at camp…

PGL: BUT WHO? *grabs the Little Drummer Boy* Hey buddy, want to do me a favor?

Jess: Is it a SEX FAVOR?

Rachel: Is it “be my boyfriend?”

Becky: Is it “put your penis in my butt?”

Jess: Oh man, now he's making the whole camp BUT WHO? Hey, that one girl's at camp for Tambourine. "Yeah, I majored in Tambourine at camp."

Rachel: "I'm a camp legend."

9:25 This love story is intolerable.

9:28 The other Jonii finally show up at camp.

Becky: Oh, thank God, Stoner Jonas is back.

9:32 Becky: So we have Jonas Who Knows Things, Jonas Who Doesn't Know Things, and Jonas Who's an Asshole?

Blondie: So tell us about your mom again.

Alyson: Oh, her mom's a good person. What's your mom like, random dancer?

Random Dancer: *with thinly veiled contempt* She's like…a mom.

That: *is the best non-birdhouse-related line in the movie*

9:36 PGL’s heart is broken because Demi’s NOT RICH. He pretends not to care.

PGL: I don't want to get sidetracked with liking someone anyway.

Jess: He's never going to like anyone ever?

Rachel: Well, he is Jonas Who's an Asshole.

9:38 Everyone hates Demi!

Jess: Well, she did pretend to be rich. That is the worst thing you can ever do.

9:39 Everyone forgives Demi, because she’s talented.

Jess: So the moral of the movie is "It's okay not to be rich, as long as you're talented."

Demi: I'm a good person!

Jess: THAT'S A LIE.

9:45 It’s time for Final Jam! Yay, I guess.

Becky: Oh hey, that's where Corbin did double dutch!

9:50 Oz talks.

Jess: I have no idea what he just said, but I hated all of it.

9:55 Blondie performs after being deserted by her ethnic sidekicks.

Jess: Why is she dressed like an ice skater?

9:56: Oz: Margaret Dupree!

Ashley from Hannah Montana: Who's Margaret Dupree?

Blondie’s Moody Black Sidekick: I am.

Becky: Wait, did she not have a name before?

A montage: *IS THERE FOR SOME REASON WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK*

Becky: Did she have an emotional arc we missed?

Rachel: I'm telling you, every single person is in a different movie!

There are like ten songs in a row.

Jess: Okay, musicals aren't supposed to have ALL THE SONGS IN THE SAME PLACE.

10:01 Demi sings! Like omg!

PGL: Gasp! BUT WHO? IS YOU!

10:02 They “sing” a duet.

Becky: So at least PGL is used to lip synching. That was me burning the Jonas Brothers.

Jess: Oh. I thought you meant back when only Nick was famous and he would sit alone in his room, crying and mouthing along to Nick's Christian rock album wishing he was Nick.

Becky: We know way too much about the Jonas Brothers.

10:05 The movie is finally, mercifully over.

Becky: This makes High School Musical look like…

Rachel: Singin' in the Rain?

Jess: That was worse than White Wolves, the standard by which all bad movies are set. Wow.

Becky: There was not one good thing you could say about it. That was a failure in every conceivable way.

So there you have it, folks. Camp Rock: The Worst Movie Ever. We suffered, yes – but we did it for you.

Meet the Jonii

People often ask me who the Jonas Brothers are, and why they should hate them. “Jess,” they said, “who are the Jonas Brothers, and why should I hate them?” [Note: This may never have actually happened.]

“Because they’re despicable,” I say. “Despicable!”

“Do you have pictorial evidence of such despicability?” they ask me.

“Do I!” I say. It is rhetorical. Of course I do! And with the much-anticipated Camp Rock premiering this Friday night (and being liveblogged right here at Tweenage Wasteland!), I feel it is high time I shared that evidence with you.

The Jonas Brothers used to be real boys:


See? They could be those guys in your math class. The one on the right looks kind of like an asshole, but whatever. Mostly they are just some boys.

But oh, that did not last.


This is one of their albums. I think it's their second one, but I don't actually care. Now we can really Meet the Jonii.

On the left, we have Extra Jonas. He is a completely superfluous Jonas, hence the name. Extra, as you can see, thinks he is a cowboy. He is incorrect.

In the middle, we have Adopted Jonas, also known as Least Detestable Jonas. He's also the only one we ever refer to by his name (Nick) because he is least detestable. Most of the time, like here, he's just a guy wearing a shirt and maybe holding a guitar. He never dresses up like Zorro or a gay futuristic swing dancer. He's just a guy in a shirt. (He is also not adopted, as far as we know. We just call him that because we can tolerate him, and not the other two, so clearly they do not share the same genes!)

And on the left, we have Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, also known as Most Detestable Jonas. I thought that was a coat over his shoulder, but after looking at other pictures from this photoshoot, I'm pretty sure it's a cape. That ought to tell you everything you need to know about Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas.


Then they shilled for Baby Bottle Pops. (Yet for some reason, they seem to think they are hardcore.) Extra continues to think he is a cowboy, perhaps crossed with a cockatoo. PGL pretty much always looks like he's trying to sell me a used car or some hair gel. Adopted Jonas clearly doesn't want to be there.


YOU'RE NOT A COWBOY, EXTRA. PGL looks like the snotty rich kid in a movie who won't let you join the yacht club.


What. WHAT. This is so wrong. (Except for Adopted Jonas, who actually looks kind of endearing to me, although that may just be because he's wearing almost the same outfit as one of my favorite comic book characters did in his 80s heyday.)


You're still not a cowboy, Extra. Oh, and PGL? Liza Minelli called. She wants her jacket back.

...Meanwhile, Adopted's just a guy with a shirt.


GOD, I just want to PUNCH PGL right in his STUPID FACE ALL THE TIME. Extra often has this expression, this "Hey, wow! I'm on the teevee!" face. He also seems to think that if he perms his hair he'll be less detestable, like Adopted, but he's wrong. Both about that, and about those seriously misguided sideburns of his.

...Meanwhile, Adopted's...okay, he's a guy in a rawhide vest, but you get the feeling it wasn't his idea.


Now he's a guy in a shirt way high up!


SO SMARMY. And I'm not a boy, so I'm no expert, but jeans that tight (white jeans? WHITE JEANS?) CAN'T be comfortable. They just can't.


SO FUCKING SMARMY. Cut your hair, flat iron boy.


Extra, on the other hand, just seems so terribly misguided all the time. A blue shirt and an ill-fitting cardigan in a different shade of blue, with a green and pink striped tie and tight turquoise jeans? He looks like the women's section of J. Crew threw up on him. And the perm and the sideburns...it's all very sad.


And why does he keep taking pictures of himself bending over? It's...disconcerting. It's like the cheeriest invitation to sodomy ever.


Even when they make Adopted wear a hat and a vest, he clearly hates it. He just wants to wear a shirt and hold a guitar and have some hair! That's all!

But lest I ever forget that I hate all the Jonii, not just two of them, I have this picture to remind me:


OH MY GOD ADOPTED JONAS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR LEGS? Stacey McGill is gonna be PISSED that you stole her favorite leggings. And you can't tell from this picture, but there's totally a half-naked man, possibly Prince, on his shirt. Um. I think I know why he and Miley broke up now.


And now at last we come to the Camp Rock promo pictures. We all know the drill by now, don't we? Extra thinks he's a cowboy (he's not). PGL thinks he's a rock star (he's not). Adopted is a guy in a shirt with a guitar and some hair. Cinematic wonderment!


Why is PGL wearing one of my mom's DISHCLOTHS from the EIGHTIES as a TANK TOP? It makes me cry in my insides. Also, Adopted apparently thinks PGL smells bad. I bet he's right.

Smarm/Charm Divide - Just West of Vapid Chasm

Jess: *looking at a picture of a Jonas Brother* Ugh, he's so smarmy.

Rebecca: Yeah, they ooze smarm. Not charm. That could be their new motto!

Jess: Smarm Not Charm. It's close - only two letters wrong. But it's not the same.

Rebecca: Well, that's Zac Efron's problem, in that he lives at the Smarm/Charm divide.

Jess: Okay, I have to blog this right now.