There's something familiar here...but what?

The new BTR video premiered a few days ago.





Subtle!

OTWOBBW: Big Time Rush

Let's just start off with the big disclaimer: we love the TV show Big Time Rush. It is completely delightful, and well crafted -- and it's hard to separate Big Time Rush the TV show from Big Time Rush the boy band. But since they now have two real videos and their debut album (the creatively-named effort "BTR") debuted at #3 on the Billboard Top 200, they're also the biggest thing going in boy band-dom at the moment. So it's time to resurrect the OTWOBBW and do our best to objectively tackle the actual band in question.



Image: It's really, really hard to do this objectively, but flipping through the various promotional materials out there about the band, the image they're going for appears to be "fun-loving guys who are the best of friends and also cute." Since your humble bloggers originally fell in love with the Backstreet Boys and ‘Nsync because they projected fun-loving-ness, friendship, and cuteness, this is clearly a good angle to work. (And is the central theme of the TV show. Synergy!) They're always smiling and looking playful without looking dumb, and it certainly doesn't hurt that every single member of the band is easy on the eyes. Not even ‘Nsync had that going for them. 5 out of 5.

Archetypes: As in the show, when it comes to the actual band, James Maslow is very much The Heartthrob. He's non-threateningly attractive, and the camera just looooooves to linger on shots of his long eyelashes and rouged-up cheeks. I'd estimate he gets the most camera time in the videos. Coming in second, screen-time wise, is Kendall Schmidt, who presents a bit of a problem: the show gives the Kendall character to us as The Leader, but while that's fine for a Scooby gang, it's not actually a boy band archetype. Kendall's too old to be a Little Blond One and too boring to be the Bad Boy. After much thought and perusal of J14 images, though, we solved it. Kendall is The One Who Wears Hats, an occasional variant on The Other One archetype.

Like James, Logan Henderson gets to keep basically the same archetype in the real world and the fictional world; while he's The Smart One on the show, he's The Responsible One in real life. It's really just a matter of semantics. And Carlos Pena, Jr. is...well, his archetype isn't really clear on the show or in real life, but let's say he's some sort of hybrid of The Funny One and The Baby Brother and call it a day. (He's also our favorite, but more on that later.) 4 out of 5.



Music Video: Their two videos at this point are "The City Is Ours" and "Til I Forget About You." And they are actually both pretty good! In "City," you've got the boys driving around, then throwing a flash party on the roof of some random building, with lots of energetic teens dancing around them while they sing. In "Forget," you've got the boys performing at a stodgy country club, until they use a magic camera to create anarchic hijinks, and the video is complete with an intro scene of Kendall being dumped before the show. Both videos do good jobs of showcasing them as fun and attractive while fairly gracefully masking the fact that they aren't very good dancers. 3 out of 5.

Personality: In interviews, the boys make a big deal out of saying how much their characters and relationships on the show are pretty much based on the guys' actual personalities and the friendships they've developed since getting cast. Since we find all four boys delightful on the show, we assume they are delightful in real life, and all the behind-the-scenes footage we've seen has reflected that. 5 out of 5.

Oh Yeah, The Music: While the album is actually quite democratic when it comes to doling out solos (and also, we can't stop listening to it), the show itself is set on promoting James and Kendall first and foremost. And this is a problem for a bunch of reasons, but let's start with James.

We are certain somewhere in our heart of hearts that James Maslow has a lovely singing voice. It's just unfortunate that he doesn't actually use it. It's very clear that Maslow is trying his hardest to Sing Like A Popstar, which, unfortunately, he seems to think means Singing Like a Jonas Brother. If he would unclench at least some of the muscles in his body, stop singing through his nose, stop exaggerating all of his vowel sounds, and just sing, he would be a delight. But since he apparently won't do those things, he renders himself unlistenable.

Kendall, meanwhile, sings exactly like that guy in your high school who is super charming and a good actor, so he gets the lead in the school musical because he can carry a tune and won't actively hurt himself while dancing. Which is to say, he sings okay. This doesn't mean that he should necessarily have a career in singing, but he's not embarrassing himself, and with proper training he could reach Zac Efron levels of mediocrity (and hey, a non-singer acquitting himself well as a romantic lead in three musicals is a worthy goal to shoot for).* And Logan, with his pleasant but weak voice and tendency to go flat, sings like that guy in your high school who gets the secondary lead: the Kenickie to Kendall's Danny Zuko, the Riff to his Tony. (He's also often autotuned into oblivion. They all get the autotune treatment, but sometimes we think they just send Logan home and bring out his robot clone, Logandroid.)

But then there's Carlos. Oh, Carlos. (Please insert a million hearts here.) You guys, Carlos can actually sing! Like, really, really well! More than that, he can put across a song. When Carlos sings lead, our hearts go pitter-pat. Why oh why won't they change the band to "Carlos and the Rush?"

2.5 out of 5 (one for Carlos, one for whoever writes the mediocre but insanely catchy songs, and a half for Kendall, who really isn't that bad)

Bonus Hilarious Lyrics: "If you tell me where I'm waiting here/ Every day like Slumdog Millionaire/ Bigger than the Twilight love affair/ I'll be here/ Girl I swear"

Total: 19.5 out of 25. The highest score yet! Way to go, BTR.


* "Three musicals" meaning Hairspray and High School Musical 2 and 3, since Becky's dream man Drew Seeley does Troy's singing in the first HSM.

Images from BigTimeRushTV.com.

OTWOBBW: Wow

I thought I'd posted the third installment of the Official Tweenage Wasteland Official Boy Band Watch a while ago, but I guess I didn't. Whoops!

Well, anyway, meet Wow:


There’s not enough info out yet about these guys to give them a full rating. The number one thing that comes to mind when looking at them is “OW MY EYES.” Once you get past the blinding hues, though, they seem to be a bunch of average-looking dudes who at least understand two of the key principles of boy bandom: wearing bright colors (oh, do they ever understand this point) and jumping on things. Their single, “Goosebumps,” sounds appropriately boy bandish, so it’s a shame that it’s terrible. In fact, we’re not sure that it was actually recorded by human beings and not robots.

But boy, they certainly do like to jump on things.

They’re currently on tour opening for the MoFoJoBros, so we imagine we will hear more about them soon.

OTWOBBW: Varsity Fanclub

Our second boy band on offer is Varsity Fanclub. We don't know whether they came up with their name before or after V Factory came up with theirs, but someone should have done a little asking around first. It's like if Lou Pearlman had sat down with his second batch of fresh-faced Orlando-ites and said, "Okay, for you I'm thinking Frontstreet Boys." Also, what the hell does "Varsity Fanclub" mean?


Image: Well, it ain’t good. Everything about Varsity Fanclub is unappealing. It looks like someone sanded them all down with a fine-grit sandpaper, then dropped them into Panic at the Disco’s castoff wardrobe, after it had been dyed neon colors. The amount of shriekingly bright scarves, skinny jeans, ruffly or low-cut shirts, and terrible, terrible vests is appalling, and the one in the trucker hat has apparently not twigged to the fact that “trucker hat” is shorthand for “douche.” It doesn’t help that at least three of them are seriously unattractive. Yes, that’s shallow and mean, but come on, this is a boy band. 1 out of 5.

Archetypes: Jayk, by virtue of his misspelled name and trucker hat, is clearly The Bad Boy. However, he is also the incredibly unappealing one who we hate, so that’s sad for him. Drew Ryan Scott, he of the three first names, is The Little Blond One, but one does not suspect, by looking at him, that he will pull a Carter/Timberlake and become The Heartthrob. The Heartthrob is kind of up in the air right now; it used to be Thomas, who also appears to be an aspiring gay porn star (see below), but he has since left this train wreck of a band, presumably to star in gay porn. Way to go, Thomas. (He also gets points for listing DuckTales as his favorite movie, even though it’s not a movie.) He has been replaced by another guy named Thomas, or T.C., but Varsity Fanclub’s terrible, terrible website still only has pictures of Thomas 1.0 on it, so we cannot speak to T.C.’s role. Bobby, who has the gratifying credentials of having appeared on Veronica Mars, may be the new Heartthrob, or possibly The Shy One, based only on the fact that he looks kind of like a normal dude and not a lunatic. And then there’s David, who we forgot about until we counted, which makes him The Other One. Surprisingly, 4 out of 5.

(Thomas may also have been brewed in the same genetic experiment that created Drake Bell and Zac Efron. We are investigating.)

Music Video: You'll have to click the link, as VFC's ex-record label has disabled embedding. Because why would a record label want one of their music videos to be easily disseminated? You know, this is actually a great boy band video. They’re wearing silver on some futuristic set with girls admiring but not touching them, there’s choreography, they introduce them all, Thomas winks and all the confused middle school boys feel funny…it’s great. Unfortunately, they’re really unappealing, so although the video contains all the ingredients for entertainment, it falls flat in execution. Also, there’s a “dance break” towards the end that appears to come from another song entirely. 3 out of 5.

Personality: On the Varsity Fanclub website, there’s a tab for comedy videos. It doesn’t work, because the Varsity Fanclub webmaster should be fired. But if you look on their YouTube channel, you can find a video of Drew Ryan Scott lip syncing to a terrible, terrible song called “I Hope You’re Not a Man,” about how gross it would be if you accidentally danced with a man and/or ugly woman in a dark club instead of a hot chick. And, you know, it’s good that Varsity Fanclub realizes that they need to put out footage of themselves being likable and funny. Unfortunately, they are incapable of being likable and funny, and Drew Ryan Scott’s performance comes off as simultaneously homophobic and offensive, while also the gayest thing that has ever happened in a boy band, including Lance Bass coming out. This is a pretty good example of how awful the whole band is (except for Bobby, who seems like just some dude). Also, they are already at a point where they are suing their label, and their album has been delayed a couple of times, and they’ve replaced a member, and their website doesn’t work, and basically the whole thing is an insufferable train wreck. 0 out of 5.

Oh yeah, the music: So boy bandy. Way more so than V Factory; they almost sound like a parody of a boy band, like 2Ge+her or Kim Possible’s Oh Boyz. Or, you know, O-Town, who were basically a parody. (Don’t tell them that.) The voices we heard on the three songs available on the website were seriously not good, but the music itself was pretty catchy. Sung by a JC Chasez or a Brian Littrell, it would be in frequent play on our iPods. 2 out of 5.

Bonus hilarious lyrics: “I think I gotta get your hair right/ Loosen up, you’re so tight/ Baby come on (Let me in tonight)/ You got me lost inside your circus/ You got me feeling nervous/ Baby come on.” GEE I WONDER WHAT THAT’S ABOUT?

Final Score: 10/25. They divided up nicely into archetypes, but that’s because they were put together by somebody who knows boy bands. Don’t let the not-completely-abysmal score fool you, though – we hated them.

OTWOBBW: V Factory

First up is V Factory. And really, we can’t give you a better introduction than Wikipedia can: “The members have yet to confirm what the ‘V’ stands for. Wesley Quinn, in an interview with Popstar! Magazine, stated that ‘the V is a hidden meaning between the five of us.’ He also states that the meaning will come out like the FedEx box in the movie, Cast Away, which stars Tom Hanks.”


Image: Well, they certainly look like a boy band. Flipping through their gallery made us nostalgic for the late 90s, so thumbs up to that. The cuteness quotient could be higher, but that’s their Svengali’s fault, not theirs. They’re smart enough to put the Cute One front and center at all times, and vaguely coordinate the outfits, but they’re striving for legitimacy too much right now, what with the moody backlit promotional photos and Hoodies of Despair. They need more primary colors and jumping on each other. Fake legitimacy can come later. 3 out of 5.

Archetypes: Asher is clearly The Heartthrob, as he is the cutest and the lead singer. He will heretofore be referred to as “Ash Kash Bigash.” Wesley, who is little and blond, is The Little Blond One. Look out, Ash Kash: history indicates that he will eventually usurp your position (see also Carter, Nick; Timberlake, Justin). At first we thought Nathanial was The Other One, but after seeing him list He’s Just Not That Into You as one of his favorite books and Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List as one of his favorite TV shows, he has been upgraded to The Gay One. Nicky T. has the boy bandiest name; he’s usually wearing a tie and/or cardigan, which makes him The Responsible One. (Also, he was apparently a member of Quest Crew, which is pretty hardcore.) And finally, Jared, though apparently the “template” on which the band was based, appears to serve no purpose. Sorry, Jared. You’re The Other One.

Missing: The Bad Boy. Hurry up, Jared! It’s not too late! We also have yet to identify The Funny One, so start short sheeting the others’ beds. 3 out of 5.



Music Video: Nothing to write home about. They seem to have misread their audience, because twelve-year-olds don’t want you grinding in a dystopian bunker, they want you frolicking in a meadow (see above). The dancing, too, has a goofily joyous quality that smacks of HSM, which is appropriate for a cheerful musical about singing and basketball, but not for a faux R&B song playing in a club made out of a converted bomb shelter. They have also made the rookie mistake of allowing a sexy girl to actually touch them in their first video. I assure you that if V Factory makes it big, that girl will be receiving countless death threats on Hello Kitty stationary. 2 out of 5.

Personality: We did watch a video of Asher spilling a milkshake on himself and Nicky T laughing his ass off at him while Nathanial broke into song and the other two pretended not to know them, so that was entertaining. There’s potential for endearing BFFness/bromance, which is vital for boy bands, but they will need to step it up withthe wacky interviews – possibly ones in which they argue over who has the messiest bunk on the tour bus. Also, Nathanial is super gay, which we like. 4 out of 5.

Oh yeah, the music: Vocally, nothing too impressive, but on “Love Struck,” which is clearly intended to be their big single (and is inexplicably two words), they have managed to obscure the weakness of their singers with judicious application of almost every button on the soundboard. It’s hard to tell whether whoever’s singing lead on “Love Struck” is genuinely better than whoever’s singing lead on the other three song clips on their site – or even whether it’s a different guy – but it certainly sounds a bit better, by which we mean less nasal. There has certainly been no effort made to showcase anyone’s vocal performance, which makes us suspicious that there is nothing to showcase. 3 out of 5.

Bonus hilarious lyrics: "She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad/ She bad..."

Final Score: 15/25. Out of the various boy bands we’ve looked at, they appear to have the best lineup and the best chance, but they’re lacking the crucial element of looking like they really are having fun. Smile, boys. Your tweens demand it.

The Official Tweenage Wasteland Official Boy Band Watch

In the late 90s and early 00s, your bloggers were hardcore boy band fans. For the past few years, we have missed seeing groups of three to five clean-cut young gentleman dancing in unison to catchy, inoffensive pop hits. But, like the swallows returning to Capistrano, boy bands are a cyclical phenomenon, and we’ve been watching for warning signs that they are making a comeback.

There are several boy bands out there now, still in the embryonic stage, but ready to dance for your amusement. And so Tweenage Wasteland is proud to present the Official Tweenage Wasteland Official Boy Band Watch, in hopes that boy bands will soon be tearing up our hearts, and the dance floor, once more.

We’ll be rating these groups in five categories: Image, Archetypes, Music Video, Personality, and Oh Yeah, The Music.

Image is, of course, the most important aspect of a boy band. Don’t lie and say it’s the music. It’s what strikes you visually when you first encounter the band. Good image makes you want to find out more.

Archetypes are very important. 2Ge+ther famously delineated the boy band archetypes as The Heartthrob, The Cute One, The Shy One, The Bad Boy, and The Older Brother, but there are other equally valid ones like The Old One, The Funny One, The Other One, and most importantly, The Little Blond One. Take a moment to think about it. You recognize these archetypes. A boy band does not require all of them, but it does require a good sampling of the key ones, and clear delineation of who is who.

The Music Video is self-explanatory, and also key – less so now that Total Request Live is no longer a cultural zeitgeist, but still very important.

Personality is what comes after Image. It’s what makes you fall in love with a band, or make you want to leave nasty comments about them on their YouTube channel.

Oh Yeah, The Music. Whatever.

So put on your 98 Degrees T-shirt, turn on “I Want It That Way” on iTunes, and stay tuned for the Tweenage take on the latest wave of boy bands.