Sparks Flew. Like, a year ago. Whoops?

[Note: I wrote this review, like, 11 months ago and kept forgetting to post it. But I've been in a tween girl music frenzy the past week or so, so I dusted it off, just for you!]

I really like Miranda Cosgrove. It helps, of course, that I've been watching her grow up since she was a tiny little thing on Drake and Josh, but she just seems to be a sweet girl with her head on straight, and I'm very fond of her.

This is why it's so sad that she projects awkwardness and discomfort, like, all the time. She's not a bad actress, and she's incredibly pretty, but she looks like she's dying of self-consciousness every time I see her. I want to tell her to stand up straight, take her hands off her hips, and take several deep breaths. Case in point. (Though if I were wearing that jacket, I'd be shrugging awkwardly too.)

But the good thing is, this is an entirely visual issue, and so while listening to her first full-length album, Sparks Fly, I can just enjoy her lovely voice and my positive feelings towards her, and don't have to worry about how twitchy I get while watching her.

Speaking of her voice, I was pleasantly surprised! After hearing her (very enjoyable) contributions to the iCarly soundtrack, I had mentally categorized her - a little dismissively - in the "somewhat squeaky, thin-voiced soprano" group with Aly and AJ, Emily Osment, and Selena Gomez. As one of the better ones, to be sure, but nothing to write home about. And I still wouldn't say she has a voice for the ages - she's not as striking or powerful as, say, Miley - but her pipes are strong and she has impressive range. In "There Will Be Tears," for example, she takes the verses about an octave deeper than usual, and sounds like an entirely different person. (Still good, though.)

The music is standard pop fare, but I love standard pop fare, so that's not a complaint. There are, inevitably, some bombs: the overproduced dancepop variety ("BAM"); the overly-saccharine inspirational ballad variety ("Hey You"); and the "I think I'm a rock star but I am incorrect" variety ("Daydream"). But for the most part the album is extremely listenable, whether Miranda's singing with breathless excitement about new love ("Kissin' U," "Shakespeare") or sassy disdain about a man who done her wrong ("There Will Be Tears," "Brand New You"). There are some nice ballads, too: "Beautiful Mess" is a surprisingly convincing picture of the messy end of a troubled relationship, and Miranda gets to show off her belt nicely in "What Are You Waiting For?"

My favorite, though, is the bouncy, hiccupy "Disgusting" - I listened to the album straight through, then went back and listened to this one like ten times in a row. My only quibble is the utterly baffling line "It's disgusting how you change me/ From a bandit to a baby." Bandit? Really? Because that just makes me picture this:


...which is actually a pretty delightful image, so BONUS POINTS.

Seriously, though, Sparks Fly is pretty much an all-around great pop album, and definitely one of my favorite offerings from the various TV pop princesses. Well done, Miranda. Might I suggest more music and less shrugging in your future? Pretty please?

Didja hear me say that?

Okay, internet, here is a secret I have been keeping for awhile: I like Miranda Cosgrove much better as a singer than an actress. I mean, she's not… she's not a terrible actress or anything, but as Jess pointed out a few years ago, she's awkward as heck. It doesn't help that her main platform is iCarly, on which she plays the blandest character of the bunch. But her songs are enjoyable! They are very bubblegum, which is a thing I enjoy, and her voice is quite nice -- on the one hand, I don't think it's anything stand out or unusual (she lacks any of the qualities that make Miley distinct) but on the other hand, she avoids both the "yelling as singing" problem (Demi, Victoria Justice) and also the "replaced by robots because she can't actually sing at all" problem (Selena Gomez). She's pretty lovely to listen to, and while I wish her songs had a bit more to make them unique, I also keep her album on my iPod for when I'm in the mood for girly pop. Which is often.*

So basically, what I'm saying is, I enjoy Miranda as a singer much more than I ever expected to when I heard that the awkward girl from iCarly was getting a record deal. And thus I was eager to check out her latest offering, "Dancing Crazy," when it premiered.

That… that was a bit of a mistake, alas.

Well, okay, actually, first let me say this: I don't hate it as much upon re-listening as I did initially, because the first time I hit the shouty section of the chorus I wasn't prepared for it, and was so very embarrassed for her I was physically compelled to mute it and click away quickly. The thing is, though, that shouty bit is so very horrible it drags the otherwise-catchy song down with it.

It feels very much like whatever army of suit-wearing songwriters put this together realized that she's got the innocent tween thing happening, and because she's not yet breaking out of it by Being Sexy (which is the only way women break out of that, apparently) they tried to find another way to make her seem edgy. So they imported a chorus from, oh, I don't know, an unused Ke$ha song or something, only to realize that Miranda Cosgrove really, really can't pull that off. They kept the concept, watered it down, and ended up with a combination of some of the most inane lyrics I've ever heard ("I like you and you like me / we get together and we're happy") and some that's just outright terrible ("Didja hear me say that? / Didja didja hear me say that? / SMACK" Which doesn't even rhyme).

As for the video, I will say, it isn't dreadful. Miranda is very pretty, and her awkwardness works to her advantage in the few clips of her doing the robot and other such silliness. But aside from that, there's very little actual Dancing Crazy. There are, in fact, a few featured dancers, who are pretty great and do not seem even a little bit out of control or otherwise "crazy", and then a crowd of teens kind of bopping in place. Sometimes they do, in fact, put their hands up, if Miranda implores them to do so. But at least I find the dorky guy totally adorable, which helps.

That said, I worry about the example this video sets. Not because I think kids should never sneak out to go dancing, no! But because it seems to suggest the best way to sneak in and out is the tried and true method of… using your front door at a time in which it's totally reasonable for your parents to be awake and about (11 at night, 7 in the morning). Miranda, how will children learn about crawling out of windows and scrambling down convenient trees and/or trellises and all associated hijinks, if not from you? For shame, Miranda. You have let an entire generation down.

*Also, as it turns out, "Kissin U" is a great karaoke jam.

Kids' Choice Awards 2010: I Didn't Actually Watch Them

So the Kids' Choice Awards! They were, uh, a couple of weeks ago. Look, I've been very busy writing a story about gay pirates, okay? It's serious business.

I didn't watch the actual show because I was out of town on a business trip, but I paid very close attention to all the follow-up coverage on the tween blogs. I have no strong feelings about the winners, except surprise over Slightly Worse Sprouse walking away with Choice TV Actor, and firm agreement that iCarly and Selena deserved their wins. I'm here to talk about the most important thing: the clothes. Specifically, the clothes on the tween starlets, because boys are boring, and I don't actually care about Rihanna and Katy Perry.

(Click on the pictures to embiggen.)

Best Dressed: Selena. You guys, she looks like a goddess. I love the summery yellow and the toga-like drape of the dress, and the gladiator-esque sandals and braided belt complement the Greek look without being cheesily on-the-nose about it (and, incidentally, make her legs look about a thousand miles long). The delicate gold accessories and loose side braid are appropriately girlish and, again, help to subtly buttress the theme without being, you know, a heavy collar and an updo and a "DO YOU GET IT THIS IS A GREEK LOOK?" A++++, would KCA again.

Runner Up: Ashley Argota. In preparation for this post I did a little research on Miss Double A Battery here, and YOU GUYS, I LOVE HER. Expect a flaily post about how I want her and Jennette McCurdy to make a thousand musicals about friendship and determination, okay? Anyway, it's not quite as unusual or striking as Selena's, but it's bright and springlike and fun, and she looks great in it, and when we're best friends she's totally going to let me borrow those shoes. I'm like 97% positive this is going to happen. Okay? Okay.




Close But No Cigar: Keke Palmer. Keke P will also be getting a post about how much I love her, because - brace yourselves - I also love her. And, you know, I can see what she's going for here - kind of a funky, unusual fabric (upon close examination those appear to be beads and not candy. alas.) to break up the usual "sundress, colorful pumps, minimal jewelry" look everyone was rocking. And she herself looks lovely, of course. But I just...I want to eat her dress. And I keep wondering if it hurt to sit in it. I feel like these reactions are not optimal! Also, the pockets are awkward.




Yawn: Demi. Clingy. Black. Silvery stuff. Half a size too tight. I repeat: yawn. Demi, there will be plenty of time for this sort of thing when you're a 20something starlet and you're not allowed to wear pastels. In the meantime, you're, like, what, 11 years old? Have a little fun! Wear something with color and flutter to it!

Also, she accessorized really poorly. Is it just me or does it look like Adopted is in costume as a young Doc Brown?


Yawn, Redux: Miranda. Miranda is so, so pretty. I included the closeup solely because I can't get over how insanely pretty she is. But this is so boring. She looks like she's headed to an eighth grade prom in Anywhereville, USA, not an awards show. There's nothing wrong with the dress or the shoes or the bangles, there's just...something missing. It needed something more. (Psst! Miranda! Next time accessorize with Former TV Big Brother and Jess's TV Crush Josh Peck and all is forgiven. Dude has been scarce lately.)

Disappointing: Jennette. I get the feeling Jennette gets tired of stomping around in Sam's board shorts and hoodies and converses, because she always goes all frilly and poofy at events. Which could work (even though Sam's costuming - and all the costuming - is one of the highlights of the show, and she looks adorable in it), but this doesn't. All the baggage around her waist just kind of makes her look like a turquoise creampuff, and also way too matronly for the KCA. My kingdom for a pared-down sundress!

The best-dressed member of the iCarly cast was actually Nathan, surprisingly enough. But look at him! He looks like a little man! (Which is exactly what I said, out loud, when I saw him.) He's totally dreamy if you're eight, and not even in that "eight-year-old girls like boys who look like girls" way - dude's got some shoulders. I love the shades and the cuff; he looks like he just snuck out behind his prep school to grab a smoke, but in a wholesome kind of way. Well done, sir.

(Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about boys. Hush, you.)

Not Winning Me Over, Newbie: Victoria Justice. Her new show looks incredibly blah (I like Leon Thomas and the rival seems amusingly caustic, but Victoria needs to go to the Miley Cyrus School of Shouting Is Not Acting, post haste), and in general the way Nickelodeon is promoting her everywhere (and it does seem to be Victoria Justice the Product, not Victorious the Show, that they're making a big, borderline-creepy deal over) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The Stacey McGill-esque emphasis on sort of hard-line sexy New York nightclub fashion here doesn't help - "Ooh la la, doesn't this shirring make my dress look tight? It's off-the-shoulder! Check out my peep-toe booties!" It's boring, I can see it walking down Madison Avenue every day of my life, and those booties make me sad, Victoria. Sad inside.

Would a Smile Kill You?: Miley. Nightshirt. Leggings (I think?). Those damn peep-toe booties. Hair. A sullen expression. Jeez, Miley, I know you're money and everything these days, but come on, you're still only 17, and this is the award show aimed directly at the people who made - and are still making - you famous. Make an effort.







Just...No: Justin Bieber. What is this, Bieber? Are the green shoes supposed to be Nickelodeon slime? Have your lower legs been devoured by the dreaded Lime Green Feet-Eating Snakes That Look Like Ugly High-Tops? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CHILD? Whatever it is, you need to stop. Immediately.







All pics from Just Jared, Jr., which shouldn't surprise anyone.

Miranda Wrongs

We don't often mention the Nickelodeon side of the tween world on this blog, but I am actually a bichannel girl. While Disney is the one I'm more likely to leave on in the background, since my hatred of the Naked Brothers Band is possibly even more violent than my hatred for the Jonas Brothers, I was a hardcore Drake and Josh fan, and have been attempting to keep up with my iCarly as a lingering show of loyalty to the Schneiderverse (although nothing can make me sit through an episode of Zoey 101).

Reasons I watch iCarly:

1. Jennette McCurdy. So cute!

2. Jennette McCurdy's hair. So pretty!

3. The theme song. So bouncy!

4. The aforementioned lingering show of etc.

As you can see, I did not list the show's star, Miranda Cosgrove. Now, I like M-Cos. She seems like a sweet girl. She's very pretty, she's got a lovely voice, and she gave Drake Bell a kitten.

But holy guacamole that girl cannot act. She can't even stand in front of a camera without looking incredibly, incredibly awkward. On Drake and Josh she was always putting her hands on her hips in a pose that might as well have been subtitled "I don't know what to do with my hands." On iCarly she's perfected what I call Jokeface; those subtitles would read "I am about to tell a joke. I am telling a joke. Did you laugh at the joke I just told? I am laughing! Ha ha." Because nothing is funnier than a sitcom character who is aware of the joke.

And check out her new (I assume) music video:



I kind of like the song. There's something charmingly retro about its cheery take on teenage romance, like an Archie Comic. And Miranda can actually sing quite well, unlike many young actresses who put out albums.

But could she look more embarrassed and uncomfortable to be there? As my friend Mackenzie pointed out, she comes off like she's never been around children her own age - like an adult trying desperately to be cool for the kids. This is one of the many perils of bus school!

Miranda, sweetie, perhaps a career where you have to look comfortable and relaxed in front of many people is not the career for you. Perhaps you would be better off as a telemarketeer, or miner! I only say this because I care.

And in conclusion: Jennette McCurdy's hair! So pretty!




[Image from Totally Jennette.]