blast from the past

Just for Jess: This turned up on my tumblr dashboard today...



"Awesome" is a totally valid topic of conversation.

So, what do you think?

Is it for a role, or was Zef just feeling douchier than usual that day?

I've decided to call it "lumberjack chic"

Yes, I KNOW this is the third post in a row that's a stupid picture of Zac Efron, but it's not my fault! Because do you know what his new look did not need?



Plaid.

Source.

I swear we've covered this before.

Zac Efron appears to be having a moment of silent reflection there. Let us hope he's reflecting on all the bad, bad choices he's made with his facial hair.

Source.

I'm sorry, Zef...

...but no amount of armpit hair can convince me you aren't a Ken doll magically brought to life.

Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, 'cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

Would these two fresh-faced Disney kids go anywhere unsavory?

You know, it's funny. A couple of the tween blogs I keep on my Google reader lit up yesterday with articles about how Zac Efron was in town to premier his new dead-sibling-meets-manic-pixie-dream-girl flick, and also went to In the Heights to see Corbin. D'awww. The blogs explained that they went out together afterwards to catch up. One even specified that they drank mojitos. Cool beans.

And yet somehow, these blogs TOTALLY FAILED to mention that in actual fact, omg you guys, Zef and Corbin WENT TO A STRIP CLUB and dropped TWO GRAND on drinks and dances. OH BOYS. It's like they knew I had nothing to post about and decided to go get lap dances JUST FOR ME.* I dunno, I think it says something about how much I love these kids that I just find this endearing. I react like I do when my cat does something particularly cute: "Awww, who's an adorable widdle heartthrob who wishes he was a grown up? It's you! Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Though I think the funniest part might be the mystery insider's comment that their favorite strippers all vaguely resembled Vanessa. Um, should someone tell Zef that he can probably actually can hit that as soon as he gets back to LA? Presumably without spending 2k? I mean, he's dumb, but not THAT dumb, right? "That night, Efron walked the red carpet at the premiere of Charlie St. Cloud. Hudgens was not at his side, although she attended the LA screening last week." Right. Surely that's connected to his stripper escapades, and not because she's busy with another project on the other coast, and also has attended this movie's premier once already. SCANDAL!

But what I'm really curious about is who the mysterious "other male friend" with them was, especially since he was the one spending all the money, it seems. Having grown up on late 80s/early 90s after-school specials, I'm assuming he was the out of character Buster Bunny to their hesitant-but-easily-persuaded Plucky and Hamton. Presumably now that they've tasted the forbidden delights of likker and wimmin, they're also both alcoholics who will die in a car crash, y'know, tomorrow. I bet Hudge will look awesome in a black veil.

So remember, kids! Cartoon All-Stars say don't do drugs! But if you do find yourself drinking in a strip club, please make sure it's at least this hilarious.

* I choose not to speculate about anyone's sexuality in this particular blog post. Feel free to insert your own joke here about how there's very little other reason one or the other or both would be interested in lapdances from the ladies. I'm just sayin'. I mean, not sayin'. I mean…

Obligatory Post

Zac Efron's hair at the Oscars: bringing tooliness to a whole new level. Wow.

In profile:




As always, thanks to JJJ.

Zac Efron and Sterling Knight: Like Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, In a Way

I've been avoiding talking about Starstruck, the Sterling DCOM, because it looks... well, pretty bad. And because it has introduced us to Disney's sad, sad attempt to create Sterling Knight: Pop Star, and that is not a good idea. He's darling, and he can sort of play guitar and sing, but he plays guitar and sings in the way the cute guy in your freshman year lit class who invites you to see him at a coffeehouse does. It's sweet and he means well, but honey, no.

Basically, in all honesty, I think Sterling can do better. (Brandon Smith, on the other hands, seems to be a perfect fit for a DCOM and I'd love to see him as the lead, rather than the sidekick, but that's neither here nor there.) But of course I am going to watch Starstruck.

And if it turns out to be unwatchable, I'll just watch this on repeat for two hours instead:

"This kid, Zac Efron... Curse you!"

Bits and Pieces

Some things that have turned up in Google Reader/been sent to me lately:

#1: Exclusive: Metro Station to revive 60s TV show The Monkees

Whut.

So... the elder Cyrus and Musso siblings want a TV show, too. But it's unclear if it's going to be a remake of the Monkees (Trace Cyrus as Mickey Dolenz? Mason Musso as Peter Tork?) or if it's going to be, basically, Hey, Hey, It's the Metro Station. The article doesn't clarify, just says, "They hope to replicate the classic Monkees series," and:

"We thought it would be cool to show everyone what we do in Metro Station. People want to see the reality of being in a band and the life you live doing that.

"Everything would be scripted because reality shows are kind of done."

So, Mason, not the smartest Musso, huh?

And… check me if I'm wrong, here, but a scripted wacky show about a modern band? Um… Yeah, I don't watch the show for the obvious reason, but isn't Disney currently doing that, and isn't it called Jonas? And, for that matter, Hannah Montana? I get that these dudes are hoping to buy some fame from their younger siblings, but yeesh. Leave the Monkees out of it, guys. They did nothing to deserve this.

#2: Speaking of TV, someone we like! Ashley Tisdale Syncs Producer Deal with RelativityReal

Tizz has her own company, Blondie Productions, which is talking with RelativityReal about, one assumes, a reality TV show. Now, on the one hand, I have to assume Blondie Productions was behind the godawful mess that was Picture This. On the other hand, if it's a low-budget reality TV show about Tizz and her very tall boyfriend? I will TiVo the heck out of it.

Bonus Tizz news! She has ditched the extensions and finally is back to her real, actual (albeit obviously dyed) hair. And it is totes adorable. See?



#3: Obligatory Zac Efron News

Because Zac Efron gets photographed a lot, I know he's now see the movie Avatar twice. Both times with Vanessa, the first time with V and her little sister, Stella. I'd like to think that happened like this:

V: But Zac, I promised Stella I'd spend time with her and I don't want to miss seeing you, too…
Zef: Cool. As long as I can wear a wool cap.

Which he did.



And that, friends, is how we get Wool Cap #9. It's pretty similar to #4, except this one looks a little thicker and has vertical ribbing.

A question for the readers...

Does it count as a toolish wool cap if it's actually weather appropriate? If so, we have #9. What say you?

source.

Zac Efron is a Lying Liar Who Lies

Zef to Ifc.com:

"There are little things you have to forgo (as a celebrity). If you walk around in sweatpants and don't shave or shower, or look a bit sleepy, there's a high probability that there are going to be rumours out there that you're on drugs or starting some sort of spiral downhill. So I've always tried to look my best, and look clean when I go outside. I think I owe it to everybody to show up well-groomed and put in a little effort. It's the least I can do."

Emphasis mine.

Zef: We know that's a lie. Does it hurt when your pants are on fire like that?

Source.

Zac Efron Wool Cap Watch: #8

FINALLY! After several months of photos where Zef looked like a giant tool -- as he does -- but without his trademark knitted cap, he brings a new one to the mix. It does resemble #7 (also black), but it appears to be ribbed entirely instead of having a ribbed brim band type thing.



Welcome, Toolish Cap #8. You are in ridiculous company.

My Life: So Hard!

Some days, it's really hard to write posts for this blog. You have to find something ridiculous that a tween star did, said, or wore recently; you have to look through Youtube for silly videos; you need to subject yourself to super over-produced pop music; you need to spend the time to find ludicrous pictures and then write jokes about them.

Other days, Zac Efron talks to the press, and makes everything really, really easy.

Zac Efron in Showbiz Spy, via Rachel:

"On a normal day," Efron told a British magazine, "I'm usually out of the shower and ready to go in a couple of minutes. I'm not a naturally groomed guy."

No kidding! Oh, do go on.

"Someone said to me that guys are trying to copy my hairstyle, but to be honest, this hairstyle is derived from laziness. I wake up and go -- that's it. There's no product in it, nothing.
"If you really want your hair to look good, just don't wash it for a day. That's my secret."

But Zef, we already know that! Please, give us something new to giggle at.

"In high school there were guys who were really tall, there were burly guys on the football team who looked like my dad -- and then there was me, who looked like a little kid. I was a late bloomer," he said.

Wait for it…

"I actually rocked a pubescent mustache for a while. It was so unattractive."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH ZEF.

Click here for a Tweenage Wasteland exclusive picture of Zef's mustachioed years! Or a reasonable approximation there of, anyway.

The Most Dramatic Drama of All Time

I've been half-heartedly planning an epic post for awhile now, but haven't bothered because it can be boiled down to this: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, I LOVE STERLING KNIGHT. In all caps. Just like that. But now I have an excuse!

When I very grudgingly admitted that I enjoyed Sonny With a Chance, I somehow skipped over mentioning Sterling's character, Chad Dylan Cooper.* If Demi is the weakest link on the show (look, writers, she's just not as funny as you think she is, talking in a silly voice ≠ comedy genius, and she's not even that good at silly voices), then Sterling is by far the strongest one. In an episode I accidentally watched recently (because I do not actually seek out this show, surprisingly) he had a gag in the background and, without delivering a single line of dialogue, was funnier than the entire rest of the cast in the entire rest of the episode. And while his dialogue is generally the best on the show, that isn't saying much (it's akin to being the most talented Jonas brother, for example), and a lot of it is squarely thanks to Sterling.

What Sterling does well is actually, you know… act. Chad Dylan Cooper is an archetype I'm already fond of -- the smug but charming jackass. For all intents and purposes, he's the same character as Hannah Montana's Jake Ryan, who I also enjoy. But unlike Jake (or, if you're being technical, Cody Linley) who only has to pull that off in small doses, Sterling has to do it in almost every episode, consistently keeping Chad on the fine line between obnoxious and appealing, and, let's face it, he's got act for two in any scene where he's playing against Demi. Which is most of his scenes. But he not only pulls it off, he does it well -- and he's ultimately hilarious because he plays the character without a single hint of irony. There's no wink to the fact that Sterling knows how ridiculous his character is; there's no overacting (except, of course, for when Chad-the-character is on the set of Mackenzie Falls, on which he plays the eponymous Mackenzie). He's just straight-up funny. Let's get this kid a real role!

Wait, that would be where 17 Again comes in. Obviously 17 Again was, above all else, a Zac Efron vehicle; it wasn't what I would call a good movie, and there were some moments that were outright infuriating, but it was incredibly entertaining, and Zef managed to carry it along well. (It was interesting to see him in a role where he had to convey thoughts and emotions beyond "confused" and "my girlfriend has awesome boobs," which is about all we saw from Troy in the HSM franchise, but I digress.) Sterling Knight, as Zef's son Alex, was only a supporting role, though an important one, and Sterling was actually quite good in it. He was awkward without going into Television Nerd mode, he was quietly funny, and his subplot with the cheerleader was pretty cute. But what's really notable is that it means Sterling Knight can pull of what relatively few Disney kids** have attempted: he can play at least two distinctly different characters. And play both of them well. Who knows what he could do besides comedy? Period pieces? Space opera?

Dare I suggest... Drama?

And THAT is why I am writing this blog entry. As I said, Sterling plays Chad Dylan Cooper with nary a trace of irony, which is great. And the script gives it to him that way, if only because it's very, very rare that anything written for Disney has the self-awareness needed to be ironic. But someone on the writing staff knows what's going on, knows irony, and perhaps knows that Sterling Knight is the funniest guy they've got on set. And whoever that is, he or she also, clearly, loves me personally. Because Disney has seen fit to give me Mackenzie Falls minisodes, starring, of course, Chad Dylan Cooper, at his Chad Dylan Cooper-iest. All we have is an opening sequence at the moment -- boo! -- but the character profiles alone amuse me greatly. It's Gossip Girl's bitchy rich kids meets Dawson's Creek teen angst, with, for reasons I don't entirely understand, a score ripped off of Harry Potter; I don't think it would work long-form -- few jokes really do, and obviously Mackenzie Falls is an extended gag -- but if they keep the minisodes to a minute or two each, there is some potential for actual good parody here. And you know who would totally be able to pull that off? Hint: he's got the most awesome name of anyone, ever.

You guys, I really, really love Sterling Knight!


* They did a good job with that character name, but frankly, his real name would have worked even better. Oh, Sterling. Your parents were either crazy geniuses or they really, really hated you.

** "Disney kids" meaning "people who play kids on the Disney channel" as Sterling actually 20. Though by that definition, Jason Earles is also a Disney kid. And he's what, 75?

"Once you leave this school, no one projects or cheats out."

Zac Efron hosted SNL last night. It ranged from unremarkable to pretty bad, but most of that was SNL's fault. Zac himself ranged from "enormous tool" (shocking, I know) to "somewhat charming." Also people like to touch him a lot. It's kind of weird.

But one sketch did make me actually giggle.

Pretty much worth it just for the line, "I may have been good here, but it's become clear that East High plays in some sort of musical theater league, with a very low standard of competition." So that's why the other team lets them have a dance break in the middle of the game!

Today's secret word of the day is...

Recently I was flipping through a copy of Elle at the hair salon, and I came across the infamous Zac Efron interview where he infamously explained the infamous "sex shop" pictures. There are few things I want to know less about than the Zefron's greasy-haired, awkward-Ken-doll sex life. For my money, the real gem of the article came later, when the reporter, as an example of how very charming and genuine Zef is, described how Zef shmoozed their star-struck waitress: "You know, you have the most beautiful eyes. Awesome." Because to Elle, "charming and genuine" apparently is synonymous with "UNFATHOMABLY GIGANTIC TOOLBUCKET."

Now, one of my favorite Troy moments in HSM2 is when he's introduced to Mrs. Evans for the first time. "Enchante," she tells him. "Awesome," he replies. To his boss. It is one of the most toolish things he does in the entire movie, and considering that everything Troy ever does is toolish, ever, that's pretty impressive.

The key word in both of these exchanges is the synatically and logically baffling "Awesome," which is neither a greeting nor a proper follow-up to an inappropriate and patronizing compliment. This of course begs the question: did Zef adlib that little bon mot on the golf course, drawing on his vast well of toolish experience? Or has he incorporated Troy's snappy patter into his own everyday life, and will soon be exhorting his fellow actors to get their heads in the game, or possibly work it out? And which would be more hilarious?

A third option: Zef has had some sort of psychotic break where he is no longer able to distinguish between himself and his character, and every morning Vanessa must sit through increasingly long arguments between Zef, trapped in the prison of his most famous role, and Troy, reflected in the mirror, or perhaps in the countless pieces of HSM merchandise papering the walls. You know what? Forget those first two. This one is definitely my favorite.

P.S. Regarding this, April Fools! Don't worry, we still hate the Jonii with the fire of a thousand burning suns. I mean, SKINTIGHT PLASTIC SHORTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARRRGH MY EYES I HATE YOU SO MUCH


Picture from Elle, by way of Charismatic.

Terms of ensearchment

Every so often we look through the search terms that have brought people to the Wasteland here. Usually these are questions, and so, being the kind soul that I am, I have decided to answer some of them for those hapless Googlers:

“selena gomez baby pictures”
Try anything taken within the past couple of days, and crop out everything but her face. You’ll get the general idea.

“why high school musical ryan kilt?”
WHY NOT?

“what is the worst thing about high school”
Man, how long do you have?

“does zach efron have freckles?”
If by “freckles,” you mean “toolish wool caps,” then yes!

“jason earles tank top”
Please, no. Unless this is a tank top you can purchase for ladies that has his face on it, in which case I would like twelve, please.

And, to the half-dozen or so search terms we get each week wondering if Ryan Evans is gay: yes. Yes, he is.

I hope you all feel edified!

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Zachary, you know, maybe if you showered occasionally your hair would not be so slick that your hat would fall off while you're on stage AT THE FUCKING OSCARS, you jackass.

(At least it wasn't a toolish wool cap, I suppose...)

Good job not falling down or visibly screwing up otherwise, though.

Open Letter, II

Dear Zac Efron,

This is not exactly a hard news blog, but a few weeks ago, we reported on your sex-store exploits, and I made only a passing joke about how you were wearing the tooliest of tool hats.

Then my good friend Margot sent me this:

And aside from being hilarious, there's the damn hat again. And then I was looking through my folder of things to blog about ("stupid pictures of Zac Efron" subfolder) and found this:

And realized you are HOLDING a tool-y wool cap. Playing a hunch, I googled you and found:

...Look. We need to talk. Now, I already know that you don't like to shower, but Zef? Wearing a hat will not cover up that fact. It just makes you look like an unwashed tool wearing a hat. And that's a shame, because, as the blogger here at Tweenage who actually likes you, I think you have the potential to be adorable!

Instead of looking like this:

Here's what you need to do. Take off the hat. And go shower. And if you won't do it for me, do it for Vanessa, please? Because while I'm sure she told you that your collection of wool caps is totally cute, like, a year and a half ago, I am EQUALLY sure that she was lying because she assumed it was just a phase. Not that you would insist on wearing it every day instead of showering, like, ever. You know that really strained tone of voice she's been talking to you in every time the subject has come up? That's because she, like the rest of us, would like to burn the horrific things you put on your head.

So for her sake, for ours, and for your own, please -- PLEASE -- for the love of all that is holy, STOP with the wool caps. And then go buy some shampoo. Maybe even let Vanessa pick out a brand she likes for you!

Yours,
Becky

(PS: Sunglasses do not hide the fact that you are totally baked. Please pass that one on to Vanessa as well.)

Photo sources: here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, respectively.

A very adult post for a tween-centric blog!

Vanessa's already been naked on the internet, and Disney still dragged her back for HSM3. Zef apparently tried like whoa to get out of the movie until they coughed up a lot of cash, but now there are those rumors about HSM4. Perhaps he and V are still worried about getting dragged back in to teeny franchise hell, because this happened:



Yeah, that's Zef and Vanessa posing with a fan. In a sex toy shop. While he wears a particularly tool-ish hat. Check the rundown of the toys in the background here at Defamer.

Hat tip to our BFF Margot.