A Second Look at Victorious

Wow, so. Okay. I'm already on record as not liking Victorious, but in the last year, I've actually kind of come around on the cast members. Victoria Justice, while she has zero stage presence, actually has a powerful instrument in her voice. Ariana Grande is actually amazing and probably Jess's new favorite. I think it's pretty great that Avan Jogia made a PSA for Straight But Not Narrow. I've heard rumors the rest of the cast is also pretty talented. So when the new episode of Big Time Rush ended and Victorious came on, I figured hey, why not give the show another shot?

Big mistake.

Man, this show is not only not good, it's still actively, really offensive.

The episode was about the kids making a movie and some jackass young director taking credit for it; meanwhile, Puppet Kid (who's name apparently is Robby or Robbie; I can't be assed to look up which spelling, because of all the loathing I have) and Douchey Hot Guy (Beck) fix Robby's car. And that was the way more troubling plotline.

First, let's start with some casual transphobia: Robby refers to his car as "it," and Beck corrects him: vehicles get "she" and other female pronouns. "Not just cars. Cars, boats… my 'uncle Barbara,'" with sarcasm and finger quotes. Ha hah ha, silly transgender people, trying to forge identities that feel correct to them! Ha ha ha, let's use them as punchlines, because it's not like it's a group that faces incredible amounts of stigma and discrimination, including but not limited to frequent assault and murder! Hi-fucking-larious.

So the plotline then goes on: girls gather to watch Beck get greasy, working on the car; Robby wants to impress them and embarrasses himself. This, of course, leads to one of the girls turning a hose on him -- with spray so powerful he is knocked off his feet. Now on the one hand, at least the show doesn't sympathize with him for objectifying girls; on the other hand, he is physically assaulted and it is played for laughs. When Beck finally looks up and sees this, he encourages the girl with the hose to do it some more. So I guess he's a good enough friend to fix Robby's car for him, but not a good enough friend to, uh, not want Robby to be badly injured.

That's a major problem that underlies this show and every single character in it: they have zero empathy for one another, or indeed, other human beings in general. But more on that in a second. First, to wrap up this storyline, Beck finishes fixing the car and Robby laments that the girls were only there to watch him, and now he's bummed. Beck points out that… girls love guys with cars. Robby adds, "Right, because I can drive them places. Like… shopping!" LOLOLOL girls all love shopping, you guys! I've never heard that as a punchline before, ever. Hilarious cutting edge comedy! Or wait, no, the opposite of that.

Anyhoo, Beck goes off to "find [Robby] some cheerleaders who need rides," which is pretty gross and objectifying, but while he's gone, some thugs or someone come and steal Robby's car. While Robby sits and pouts, the cheerleaders roll their eyes and walk away. The end.

So in summary: 1) transgender people make for good comedy, 'cause the entire concept of someone choosing a gender identity not based on the one assigned at birth is funny; 2) girls love shopping and are shallow; 3) physical assault is funny.

The main plotline was mostly better, and even managed to contain some funny lines. Tori's exchange with her sister was mean but funny (if only because Trina -- is that her name? Wait, I still don't care -- doesn't seem too upset by it), and the exchange between Andre and Tori, "What's the plan?" "You're smart, [Jade's] mean, you figure one out," actually made me laugh.

So… the director was a jerk and took all the credit, and they came up with a wacky revenge scheme, involving calling him out on a live talkshow. And I guess for some reason, they can't do it themselves…? So okay, Andre hires his cousin to do it. And that's where it becomes problematic, because Andre's cousin is 100% Sassy Black Woman Stereotype. She sasses at the kids, then the talkshow gets started. And, shockingly, the jackass director actually gives them credit! The kids are stunned… then turn to the cousin, trying to signal to her not to go through with the plan, but she shoots them a thumbs up and starts yelling at the director, and then -- you guessed it! -- physically assaults him.

The kids muse that they feel kind of bad, because the director actually did the right thing in the end, and maybe they should help him. Instead, they go get waffles, while the Sassy Black Woman, you know, continues to beat him. Because hey! Physical assault! It's funny!

Basically, my issues are 1) racism, because hey, did you know black people are really really agressive??? Oh wait, that's a racist stereotype; and 2) assault isn't funny. I can feel exactly what comedic beat the show was going for there: it is funny to have a normal person observe something absurd, consider it for a moment, and then move right along as if weren't absurd at all. But the reason that doesn't work here is because it's not funny to walk away from an assault that you caused as if nothing problematic is going on. The kids weren't being hilarious here, they were being assholes. Just like Beck to Robby earlier.

Why are these characters so unable to see that causing serious injury is, you know, bad? That laughing at someone's misfortune is cruel? They aren't a group of friends (or frenemies, in Jade's case); they're a group of sociopaths. Why is it meant to be funny when you get someone horrifically hurt, as was the director; or when you set your friend up for injury and humiliation, as Beck and Robby? Look: a fun show about a wacky group of friends should, ideally, make viewers wish they were part of that group of friends. This show? Makes me wonder how long it'll be until most of the characters are in jail. I wouldn't want to be friends with a single one of them.

So our finally tally…

Sexism? [✔]
Transphobia? [✔]
Randomly vicious, borderline-sociopathic protagonists? [✔]
Racist stereotype? [✔]

So I guess it wasn't just a few unfortunate choices in the pilot. This show is full of fail, and, having given it a second look, I do not think I will ever, ever give it a third. I really want to like some of the members of the cast, and I'm genuinely sad that they're all on this show.

Leave it to Bieber

(Okay, that post title has almost nothing to do with what I'm about to say, but I've been wanting to use it for a while and I'm tired of saving it.)

I was on the subway the other day and some guys were doing a sort of dance/comedy act to various recent hits. At one point this supremely catchy song came on. "I kind of like this," I thought to myself, grooving along to the music. "Who is this girl singing?"

Then I realized it was Justin Bieber. Whoops!

The song was his smash hit "Baby," which I then went home and listened to all the way through. And, you know, I was pretty disappointed with myself. I mean, the lyrics alternate between moronic ("And I was like 'Baby, baby, baby, oh'/ Like 'Baby, baby, baby, no'/ Like 'Baby, baby, baby, oh'") and creepily, age-inappropriately commitment-focused ("And we would never ever ever be apart...I'd buy you anything/I'd buy you any ring"), but the song itself is super catchy. I'm not going to lie: I've listened to it about a billion times in the past few days.

But if you're afraid that I've succumbed to Bieber Fever, don't be, because I watched the music video, and it is vile beyond imagining.

[Trigger warning for sexual aggressiveness and stalking.]



The basic plot of the video consists of Bieber chasing his ex-girlfriend around a bowling alley. And I do mean chasing, or at least physically pursuing, and doing the following charming things:

- He grabs her jacket and pulls her towards him, and she pushes his hand away angrily.

- He leans in, cups her face, and tries to kiss her, and she pushes him away (we can't see her face) and walks off.

- He bumps into her, stands directly in front of her so she that she has to stop, and places his hand over her chest, almost but not quite touching her breasts, and she pushes him away angrily.

- He dances over to her as she sits on a stool and sits on the next one as she sidles away, then leans into her until she stands and walks away, with an epic hair toss.

- As she walks down some sort of ramp he keeps pace with her on the railing, at one point reaching down to grab her shoulder briefly and then letting go as she looks up at him; then she walks away.

- He chases her around and over a pool table and presses his forehead to hers. She's clearly weakening, because she gives a little exasperated smile to the camera as she (you guessed it) walks away.

Then they have a danceoff, which I guess wins her over? He slowly progresses closer and closer to her over the course of it, and finally places a hand on the small of her back and pulls her hips flush against his own. They sway with their foreheads touching, then Ludacris gives him a "Way to go, dude" high-five/handshake, and Bieber and the girl walk out of the bowling alley hand in hand.

Groooooooooss.

I watched the rest of Bieber's music videos today, and two of the others also involve him being a creepy, creepy stalker who follows a teenage girl of color around a colorful set until she falls for him, but this one grossed me out the most. SHE IS PUSHING YOU AWAY, DUDE. PHYSICALLY, WITH HER HANDS. And yet he still persists! So here are the messages I've gotten from this video:

1. It's totally okay to stalk your ex-girlfriend.

2. It's also totally okay to keep bothering a girl who wants you to leave her alone. You can wear her down!

3. You can touch her if you want. Her body is not inviolate.

4. If a girl acts like she doesn't like you, she probably thinks you're cute and charming and wants you to keep harassing her.

5. Ludacris will like you if you do these things.

I don't blame Bieber himself for this video, or for the other ones where he's Creepy McCreepenstein. He's like, what, four and a half? He doesn't direct these things. And I will give him credit: when he's not Autotuned to within an inch of his life, he has an impressive voice, and I was pleasantly surprised by his dancing ability. He's a talented kid!

But good lord, do his videos give me the skeeve. Usher or whoever else is guiding this kid's music video career, could you please dial down the creepy like, 20 notches? Because right now they just make me want to boil my eyes in order to clean them. And I'm horrified that the 8-year-olds who love him may be basing their romantic fantasies on the horrendous little dramas Bieber is playing out for us.

Oh, HELL no.

Unacceptable. I have no opinions on Jennifer Stone, but awkwardly forcing Harriet (a teenage Harriet) into the modern age by having her blog (Why on earth would she blog? The things she writes about are secret! THAT'S KIND OF THE WHOLE POINT.) makes me want to punch everything. NICKELODEON ALREADY TRIED TO MAKE A COOL, MODERN HARRIET THE SPY AND IT DIDN'T WORK. STOP IT.

Fame: Pretty Good, ActuaTHEY DID WHAT???

Despite my reservations, I saw Fame tonight. It was pretty good! Except for one aspect that was completely infuriating and disgusting and more retrograde and vile than anything shown in the 1980 version. WHOOPS. What follows is a quick, non-spoilery breakdown of the performances, followed by a SPOILER WARNING, followed by the infuriating part. (Although I should point out that Fame, like both the original film and the play, has no plot, so there's not much to be spoiled.)

The Kids We'd Heard of Before: Little Panabaker was quite good! So was Anna Maria Perez de Tagle, who really, really needs a better stage name, but who can apparently do justice to a script that's neither Hannah Montana nor Camp Rock. Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance turns out to be a mediocre actress, but she was also, oddly, a mediocre dancer - technically fine, but nowhere close to the entrancing uber-goddess she was supposed to be. Asher Book of V Factory was definitely the weakest link acting-wise, and though his singing was not bad, he sounded...well, like a member of a boy band, which didn't really fit in with songs like "Someone To Watch Over Me."

The Kids We Hadn't: All quite good! Naturi Naughton is rightfully going to get a lot of praise for her voice. None of the others were real standouts to me, but they all did very well.

The Grownups: Should have had more to do - at least, Bebe Neuwirth, Kelsey Grammer, and Megan Mullally should. They didn't have much to do besides expose the soft fleshy underbellies of their students, and Megan's one song was a disappointment, but they captivated the viewers' attention (particularly Bebe) in a way these wet-behind-the-ears young actors haven't yet learned to do. (And one scene made me want epic fanfiction about how Kelsey Grammer's character is in love with Megan Mullally's. I DON'T KNOW.)


And now, for the part that pissed me off...


SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER


Little Panabaker and Asher Book play aspiring actors who start dating. At a party, Andy, a former student of the school who is now a regular on a TV show, approaches Little, compliments her on a recent performance, and suggests she come by the set to meet the casting director and audition as a day player. He's also clearly into her, although it's not clear if she knows that. She's thrilled at the professional opportunity, and gives him her number. Asher comes in just in time to see her apparently give some guy her number and accept a kiss on the cheek from him, and storms out. She explains what happened, apologizes (even though she didn't do anything wrong), offers to never talk to Andy again if that's what Asher wants, and then placates him by inviting him up to her empty apartment. So...placating the angry boyfriend by telling him he can veto who she talks to and then offering sexual favors (it's not clear how far they go, but they're not going to her apartment to play Parcheesi)? Uh...sounds great.

Then she goes to Andy's set and is invited into his trailer. He tells her the casting director isn't there, but wants them to make a video, and oh, here's a kissing scene in the script - all a very transparent attempt to get into her pants. She doggedly attempts to act the scene a couple of times, but finally realizes (or accepts) that this isn't legit, tells him off, and leaves. Good for her! In the original film, something similar happens but the girl doesn't get the courage to leave, and I was pleased that Little was able to do so.

Next scene: she's telling Asher what happened. She's clearly very upset, and with good reason - she was just betrayed and molested.

He gets mad at her.

His girlfriend was just SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, and he yells at her while she cries that she knew all along what was going to happen, that she was using sexuality to get ahead, and that if being famous means that much to her, fine, he's done. Then he storms off.

Some time later, at a party with mutual friends, she apologizes again for hurting him and asks if they can ever get past it. He doesn't answer, but later in the scene takes her hand, which apparently means that he's forgiven her.

For being MOLESTED.

This movie blames the victim of sexual assault for bringing it on herself. Her boyfriend essentially calls her a slut and a tease and breaks up with her because she was tricked and violated. This didn't happen in the 1980 film, or the 1988 play, when female characters found themselves in similar situations - situations which turned out a lot worse for the girls in question. All they received was sympathy.

No, it's not until 2009 that we're told that a 17 year old girl who trusts a former schoolmate not to take advantage of her is BAD and WRONG for DARING to be alone with a man without her boyfriend's permission. It's not until the 21st century that Fame wants us to join this supposedly likeable, upstanding boyfriend in shunning a girl who has just been through a traumatic experience. It's not until now that we're expected to applaud a steaming pile of misogyny in what is otherwise a pretty decent movie.

Way to take us backwards, Fame. Fuck you.

She's not like other girls.

I like iCarly a lot, but one of the major weaknesses of the show is the character of Carly – or, more precisely, the lack thereof. She’s smart, but not a nerd! She’s cool, but not too cool! She’s not particularly temperamental or particularly laidback or particularly interested in things or particularly anything. She’s not zany like Spencer or aggressive like Sam or nerdy like Freddie. All she ever gets to do on the show is react. This is not a good or strong or entertaining centerpiece for a television show!

On the other hand, there's Sam, who is the very best part of the show, and the complete opposite of Carly in that she's absolutely bursting with personality. Sam is played by my tween BFF Jennette McCurdy, and Jennette McCurdy’s amazing hair. Seriously, I know I’ve said it before, but this hair is magical. Check it out:


Anyway. Sam is loud. Sam is uncouth. Sam is ill-behaved.

Sam is a fantastic role model.

Obviously kids should not model their behavior on Sam’s. Sam doesn’t do her homework, she sasses the teachers, she attacks kids in the hallway on little-to-no provocation. She’s violent and rude and a bit of a bully, and her moral compass is a little borked. This is not a good way to behave!

And yet.

Sam is a girl on TV, and yet she still gets to be loud and uncouth and ill-behaved. She gets to eat enormous quantities of meat and push people around and buff her feet on Carly’s couch, and…that’s just Sam. The show doesn’t make her worry about her weight or tell her to nibble daintily at a salad. It doesn’t restrain Sam in any way. She just gets to be Sam, and her friends and her audience love her for it.

Which is why I was so very disappointed when iCarly pulled the same stupid bullshit Hannah Montana did, way back in Season 1. In “You Are So Sue-able To Me,” otherwise known as the Most Infuriating Hannah Montana Episode Ever, Lilly has a crush on some random Boy of the Week, who is obviously equally smitten with her, but Miley tells Lilly that she (Lilly) is “not a girl” and thus cannot attract him. Miley gives Lilly a makeover, but the boy stands her up, so Lilly takes him to some kind of teen court TV show, where she discovers that the boy liked her just the way she was, and happily goes back to the old Lilly. Because it’s not okay to be yourself unless a boy likes you that way!

The iCarly version of this, “iMake Sam Girly,” sidestepped some of the problems with the HM episode. Sam really is uncouth and undainty, as opposed to Lilly, who had those attributes slapped onto her for an episode and forgotten the next week. Carly totally accepts Sam the way she is and only agrees to make her over when Sam asks for help, instead of Miley’s fairly nasty and totally unwarranted attack on Lilly. And Sam goes back to being herself in order to protect herself and her friends by fighting a bully. But she’s still subjected to half an episode of “you are wrong for being yourself,” and she is still validated by the Boy of the Week continuing to like her. Both episodes even have their tomboys eat spaghetti messily to prove how unladylike they are. And both episodes turned my stomach.

“I want to be more like you!” Sam tells Carly at one point. “You know, all soft and girly and weak.”

It’s a funny line, but when I heard it I thought of a comment I’d once seen on the official iCarly website, left by some little girl out there in viewerland: “I think Sam is the coolest, strongest girl I have ever seen.”

And I wondered what that little girl would think of Sam – the strongest girl she’d ever seen – begging Carly to teach her how to be weak, because that’s how girls are supposed to be. Unless, of course, a boy tells them they can be otherwise.

Come on, iCarly. You can do better. Let Sam be Sam.

Bandslam

This weekend, your bloggers took a journey to the heart of darkness -- or, more specifically, to the small New Jersey town where Jess went to high school. We were only trying to beat the heat of New York City, but it turned out to be thematically appropriate, because while in the Garden State Parkway State, we saw Bandslam, which is not only set in a New Jersey high school, but which turned out to be much like Jess's high school experience: angsty, hormonal, poorly paced, and full of ska. Oh, and kind of suckish.

A few of our commenters had let us know that a) the movie was much better than it looked; and b) it was completely mismarketed. Y'all were right on both points. The marketing failure is basically understandable, when you consider that it's starring both Vanessa Hudgens and Aly of Aly & AJ (sorry, I mean 78violet) fame; making it look sparkly and tweenie was inevitable. But that wasn't the movie's real market -- it was a teen comedy, more along the lines of 10 Things I Hate About You (albeit with a more indie feel); it's a movie meant for actual teens who are actually in high school. You can tell, because it was heavy on the How Much High School Sucks commentary.

Jess: It also had the kind of protagonist who appeals more to teens than tweens: the awkward, sensitive loner Will, played to perfection by Gaelan Connell, who probably spent the entire movie baffled by the fact that he was playing opposite Aly and La Hudge. He had the earnestness of a teenager who is totally into classic rock and convinced that he's the only one who's ever heard of, say, Led Zeppelin down pat, and he may soon start stealing roles from Michael Cera, but God, I'm so sick of whiny nice guy misfit protagonists, and the fact that the plot went seriously awry towards the end doesn't really help me to like Will. But more on that later.

Becky: Squeaky Hudgens played outsider Sa5m (the 5 is silent), and made a serious effort to be less piercing than usual. She doesn't quite pull off flat monotone, which makes her first few scenes awkward, but when the writing settled down and focused less on "look what a misanthropic outsider weirdo she is!" she did a pretty good job. But the script never quite decided what kind of outsider she actually was -- the visual cues (heavy eyeliner, black nailpolish) said goth, but the personality cues leaned much more heavily towards shy nerd. And somehow they missed the archetype that would have actually made sense, the music-obsessed indie chick, which is a shame, because if Sa5m (that causes me physical pain to type) had been more into music, it would have made the relationship between her and Will read a lot more genuine.

Jess: Aly Michalka was much more convincing as Charlotte, the oh-so-fascinating-and-unattainable rock goddess who recruits Will as her band's manager. (The plot around her character was kind of rocky, but that wasn't her fault.) Lisa Kudrow and Scott Porter were fine but unremarkable as Will's mom and Charlotte's ex-boyfriend, respectively, although Scott Porter can barely pass for a college student anymore, let alone a high school one. The rest of the cast of kooky misfits was appropriately kooky and misfitty.

Becky: Basically, this movie had all the elements it needed for a decent teen flick. The pacing was a little off and some elements never quite gelled into place -- Hudge's jealousy of Aly springs to mind -- but the first 3/4 or so were fun and watchable. Some of it was actually really sweet, some of it was really funny. But unfortunately, it went all to hell at the climax. The climax was supposed to be a double-whammy of awfulness: it's revealed that Will's been lying to everyone about his father, and also, Charlotte has betrayed everyone. And while the first part more or less works, the second... Not. At. All.

Jess: Yeah. Not to spoil you guys too much, but the "betrayal" scene basically consists of Will, our ostensible hero, screaming at Charlotte for being distant and cranky on the way to her father's funeral. At which point Becky and I realized we both hated him, and none of his mopey "poor me" posturing for the rest of the movie could get him back into our good graces.

Becky: Not to mention the fact that her "betrayal" didn't actually involve betraying anyone. The only thing she did that was in any way bad was make Will feel bad about himself, and since he was being a total asshole AND her father had just died, yeah, our sympathy was with her, not him, which wasn't what the movie wanted us to take out of that scene. And it didn't help that the entire rest of the movie was about what a super-special, awesome, all around fantastic, fabulous guy Will was. ZOMG WE GET IT. SHUT UP, MOVIE.

Jess: And then the movie wanted us to believe that Will's band went on to take the world by storm. There are several reasons to doubt this:

1. The band's name is "I Can't Go On...I'll Go On." What? No. Shut up.
2. It is fronted by Vanessa Hudgens in a macrame dress. Rawk.
3. They cover "Everything I Own," which...I'm sorry, but you cannot rock out (or shred, which Vanessa commanded them to do in the trailer but sadly not in the movie) to a Bread song. A Bread song that has been covered by *NSYNC, Boy George, and Olivia Newton-John.
4. It's a ska band! Ska! I'm sorry, I didn't realize this movie was set in 1994.
5. Spoiler but oh my God you guys this shit is ridiculous: DAVID BOWIE SEES THE BAND ON YOUTUBE AND OFFERS THEM A RECORD DEAL. THE REAL DAVID BOWIE. IN THIS MOVIE. FOR SOME REASON.

Becky: And finally, let's not forget some casual racism. Early on in the movie, Will completely dismisses a group of black students as listening to hip-hop or rap; they aren't worth his time to talk about (in fact, the only black students I can recall seeing are listening to or performing rap and hiphop). He goes on to make fun of white kids who are listening to reggae. But repeatedly in the movie, he and other characters profess their deep love of ska artists by saying, "They took reggae...and made it their own!" So: black kids enjoying music primarily performed by black people? Dismissed out of hand. White kids listening to music primarily performed by black people? Laughably stupid. But white kids listening to music primarily performed by white people while actively applauding the artists for appropriating it from black people? AWESOME. Not that it's a surprise. After all, Will is obsessed with rock generally, so I guess it's a proud tradition.

Jess: Basically, Bandslam had elements of a good movie floating around in there, but failed to tie them together, and threw a few major stumbling blocks in there for good measure. We basically wanted to go back in time, get our hands on the script, and mark it up like crazy with our red pens. Alas, that technology is not yet available. If you're a big Hudgens or Michalka fan or enjoy neurotic white guys being sad about their lives (and someone must, or Woody Allen wouldn't have a career), you could do worse than giving Bandslam a shot. But you could do a whole lot better, too.