It's funny because it's true.

I'm so far over Miley Cyrus that I never bothered watching the finale of Hannah Montana. I can't be bothered with the feud she's having with her dad. I didn't even flip past when she hosted SNL. Buuuuuut I ran into reference to this sketch and thought I should share. Apparently someone on the SNL writing staff actually does watch some Disney Channel, 'cause yup. Nailed.



So how happy do we think Miley is that she's not Hannah anymore?

Kids' Choice Awards 2010: I Didn't Actually Watch Them

So the Kids' Choice Awards! They were, uh, a couple of weeks ago. Look, I've been very busy writing a story about gay pirates, okay? It's serious business.

I didn't watch the actual show because I was out of town on a business trip, but I paid very close attention to all the follow-up coverage on the tween blogs. I have no strong feelings about the winners, except surprise over Slightly Worse Sprouse walking away with Choice TV Actor, and firm agreement that iCarly and Selena deserved their wins. I'm here to talk about the most important thing: the clothes. Specifically, the clothes on the tween starlets, because boys are boring, and I don't actually care about Rihanna and Katy Perry.

(Click on the pictures to embiggen.)

Best Dressed: Selena. You guys, she looks like a goddess. I love the summery yellow and the toga-like drape of the dress, and the gladiator-esque sandals and braided belt complement the Greek look without being cheesily on-the-nose about it (and, incidentally, make her legs look about a thousand miles long). The delicate gold accessories and loose side braid are appropriately girlish and, again, help to subtly buttress the theme without being, you know, a heavy collar and an updo and a "DO YOU GET IT THIS IS A GREEK LOOK?" A++++, would KCA again.

Runner Up: Ashley Argota. In preparation for this post I did a little research on Miss Double A Battery here, and YOU GUYS, I LOVE HER. Expect a flaily post about how I want her and Jennette McCurdy to make a thousand musicals about friendship and determination, okay? Anyway, it's not quite as unusual or striking as Selena's, but it's bright and springlike and fun, and she looks great in it, and when we're best friends she's totally going to let me borrow those shoes. I'm like 97% positive this is going to happen. Okay? Okay.




Close But No Cigar: Keke Palmer. Keke P will also be getting a post about how much I love her, because - brace yourselves - I also love her. And, you know, I can see what she's going for here - kind of a funky, unusual fabric (upon close examination those appear to be beads and not candy. alas.) to break up the usual "sundress, colorful pumps, minimal jewelry" look everyone was rocking. And she herself looks lovely, of course. But I just...I want to eat her dress. And I keep wondering if it hurt to sit in it. I feel like these reactions are not optimal! Also, the pockets are awkward.




Yawn: Demi. Clingy. Black. Silvery stuff. Half a size too tight. I repeat: yawn. Demi, there will be plenty of time for this sort of thing when you're a 20something starlet and you're not allowed to wear pastels. In the meantime, you're, like, what, 11 years old? Have a little fun! Wear something with color and flutter to it!

Also, she accessorized really poorly. Is it just me or does it look like Adopted is in costume as a young Doc Brown?


Yawn, Redux: Miranda. Miranda is so, so pretty. I included the closeup solely because I can't get over how insanely pretty she is. But this is so boring. She looks like she's headed to an eighth grade prom in Anywhereville, USA, not an awards show. There's nothing wrong with the dress or the shoes or the bangles, there's just...something missing. It needed something more. (Psst! Miranda! Next time accessorize with Former TV Big Brother and Jess's TV Crush Josh Peck and all is forgiven. Dude has been scarce lately.)

Disappointing: Jennette. I get the feeling Jennette gets tired of stomping around in Sam's board shorts and hoodies and converses, because she always goes all frilly and poofy at events. Which could work (even though Sam's costuming - and all the costuming - is one of the highlights of the show, and she looks adorable in it), but this doesn't. All the baggage around her waist just kind of makes her look like a turquoise creampuff, and also way too matronly for the KCA. My kingdom for a pared-down sundress!

The best-dressed member of the iCarly cast was actually Nathan, surprisingly enough. But look at him! He looks like a little man! (Which is exactly what I said, out loud, when I saw him.) He's totally dreamy if you're eight, and not even in that "eight-year-old girls like boys who look like girls" way - dude's got some shoulders. I love the shades and the cuff; he looks like he just snuck out behind his prep school to grab a smoke, but in a wholesome kind of way. Well done, sir.

(Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about boys. Hush, you.)

Not Winning Me Over, Newbie: Victoria Justice. Her new show looks incredibly blah (I like Leon Thomas and the rival seems amusingly caustic, but Victoria needs to go to the Miley Cyrus School of Shouting Is Not Acting, post haste), and in general the way Nickelodeon is promoting her everywhere (and it does seem to be Victoria Justice the Product, not Victorious the Show, that they're making a big, borderline-creepy deal over) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The Stacey McGill-esque emphasis on sort of hard-line sexy New York nightclub fashion here doesn't help - "Ooh la la, doesn't this shirring make my dress look tight? It's off-the-shoulder! Check out my peep-toe booties!" It's boring, I can see it walking down Madison Avenue every day of my life, and those booties make me sad, Victoria. Sad inside.

Would a Smile Kill You?: Miley. Nightshirt. Leggings (I think?). Those damn peep-toe booties. Hair. A sullen expression. Jeez, Miley, I know you're money and everything these days, but come on, you're still only 17, and this is the award show aimed directly at the people who made - and are still making - you famous. Make an effort.







Just...No: Justin Bieber. What is this, Bieber? Are the green shoes supposed to be Nickelodeon slime? Have your lower legs been devoured by the dreaded Lime Green Feet-Eating Snakes That Look Like Ugly High-Tops? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CHILD? Whatever it is, you need to stop. Immediately.







All pics from Just Jared, Jr., which shouldn't surprise anyone.

A Winning Strategy

Confession time: I have found Miley really annoying lately.

Oh, she's still a great singer! But the pole dancing and the Noah Cyrus controversies and the everything she says coming out vapid and spoiled and the hey hey...it's really turned me off to La Cyrus. So I was surprised today when I read something that made Miley come off as charming and likable as she used to, before she conquered the Earth: an interview with her and Nicholas Sparks, whose book is the basis of her new movie, The Last Song.

I mean, she doesn't say much of anything in the article. But Sparks comes off as so condescending, arrogant, and unbelievably, ludicrously full of himself (he compares himself to Sophocles and Hemingway, then cites his own book as his favorite "tale of youth"), that Miley, by contrast, appears to be a treasure of good humor, cute teenage-ness, and self-awareness.

Clearly, Miley's new gameplan is simple: just hang out with people who are so reprehensible they make her look really good by contrast. (Confidential to Miley: This doesn't work when that person is Paris Hilton.) Good luck, Smiley!

Who would've thought that a girl like me would double as a superstar?

I just realized I never got around to reviewing the latest Miley Cyrus album, Breakout. Whoopsies! Since it’s way too late to be anything like a timely review, I’m going to do a retrospective instead and review the first Hannah Montana soundtrack. We shall follow in later posts with Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus and Breakout, and, eventually, the inevitable Hannah Montana 3 and the movie soundtrack (omg how excited are you?)!!!

Now, the thing I like most about Miley is her voice. She has power and range and pitch, which is, sadly, more than you can say for most of the other Disney girls churning out albums. But she also has a very distinctive voice. Most of her peers have variations on a chirpy, squeaky soprano (Vanessa Hudgens, Emily Osment, Selena Gomez, Miranda Cosgrove, Aly and AJ, and Tizz, to name a few). Some do it better than others, but it’s a very definite and omnipresent type.

But Miley doesn’t sound like that. And it's not just that her voice is richer and more mature, although it is both of those things. It’s…smoky with a metallic tang; it’s coppery. I considered likening it to scraping charred barbecue sauce off a hot grill with your teeth, but I thought “coppery” sounded nicer. (I swear, the whole barbecue sauce thing is a compliment.)

The point is, regardless of the stupidity of any particular song (and she has sung some real clunkers in her time, let me tell you), I enjoy the experience of listening to her. And though her voice wasn’t as strong on this first album as it would eventually grow to be, it’s still leaps and bounds ahead of the competitors’.

So let’s get to the music itself. First off, there’s the triumvirate of songs about her double life: “The Best of Both Worlds,” “Just Like You,” and “The Other Side of Me.” These are all, essentially, the same song: “It’s really you but no one ever discovers/ So what you see is only half the story, there’s another side of me/ I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell?” I mean, they’re all pretty good songs, so I’ve got no beef with the repetition of the theme. The only thing worth noting is that I can’t hear “The Best of Both Worlds” without picturing the opening credits to the show. It’s barely a song to me anymore. It’s just a Pavlovian cue for poorly-acted shenanigans.

I also enjoy the Girl Power diptych, “Who Said” and “I Got Nerve.” I do prefer the former, as “I Got Nerve” kind of doesn’t make any sense (“Electrified/ I’m on a wire/ Getting together and we’re on fire…Don’t close/ Your mind/ The words I use are open.” What?). And I love the slightly bizarre choice in “Who Said” of “Who said I can’t be Superman?” instead of “Supergirl,” not to mention the presidential aspirations and “every girl has a choice.” It’s a fun, bouncy song that makes me want to dance, with a good message to boot. A+!

I’m glad that there is only one Miley-sung song that could really be classified as a love song, considering that a) Miley was tiny when she recorded these, and b) the target audience is eight. That said, “If We Were a Movie” is definitely my favorite song on the album, and one of my favorite Miley songs, period. I love the rollicking rhythm to it, but I also have a lifelong weakness for the “girl in love with best guy friend” trope. Too much Some Kind of Wonderful at a formative age, I guess. (Second favorite: “This Is The Life.” The mellow beat and delivery pleases me.)

“Pumping Up the Party” bores me to tears. And I never listen to the non-Miley songs on this album, except now that I’m reviewing it. Listening to them now, I think I made the right choice to completely ignore them, especially since one of them is by Jesse McCartney, and you know how I feel about him. And finally, “I Learned From You,” the Miley/Billy Ray duet, is deeply cheesy, but as deeply cheesy power ballads go, it’s not bad.

Final verdict? The contents of the album are decent bubblegum pop, but nothing to write home about. The only thing that makes this album extraordinary is Miley’s voice, which wouldn’t be used to its full potential for another year. Stay tuned!

Unfortunately, Serious

Here at Tweenage, we like to keep things pretty light. Because tween stars are hilarious. Even -- perhaps especially -- their stupid scandals are hilarious. (Hey, remember when Miley took some "scandalous" pictures with a well-known photographer for a legitimate magazine while her father was in the room, but OMG SHE'S SUCH A WHORE?!)

But sometimes these things aren't funny.

Miley Cyrus, posing for a picture while pulling back your eyes, joking about being Asian, is NOT FUNNY. It is racist.

I usually really like Miley. I think she is by far the most talented singer of this generation of tweens. She's not a great actress -- she's a terrible dancer -- but the girl has pipes. And by that virtue alone, she stands head and shoulders above imitators. I've defended her on those grounds time and time again.

But I can not, and will not, defend something like this.

Be careful, Miley: Selena Gomez may only have a tenth of your talent, but she has yet to seriously piss me off. And her made-for-TV movie is waiting on my TiVo. And it's a lot easier to like someone who, at least to the best of my knowledge, doesn't confuse racism and comedy. I'm just sayin'.

Hey, another video-centric post!

So this is a new-ish Hannah song? I've never heard it before, and she's got the new wig, so I'm forced to assume this. I actually enjoyed the song; Miley's voice is song and her stage presence has improved tons since the early Hannah stuff.

But.

Miley, WHAT are you WEARING? I don't usually notice the ridiculous outfits these kids wear, but even I couldn't help but stare. It's like Rainbow Bright ate a particularly sparkly meal, and then threw up on Alice in Wonderland's dress and Miley decided that was the best costume to go with the new Hannah wig.

I'm like this in real life, too.

Actual conversation from my work place today. Setting the stage: my groovy coworker caught me dancing at my desk as I listened to my iPod.

Coworker: Are you...dancing?

Me: Maybe? It's dance-y music!

Coworker: Are you listening to High School Musical again?

Me: No.

Coworker: Miley Cyrus?

Me: No.

Coworker: ...Hannah Montana? Don't think you can trick me, I know they're the same person.

Me: No! ... Okay, I was just a minute ago when it came through on shuffle, but that's not the point! Sometimes I listen to things that were never on the Disney Channel at all!

Coworker: Uh huh. *glances at HSM2 promo hanging above my desk* Sure you do.

--
In other news, the South Park episode that, yes, is currently airing is a HSM parody. And it is AMAZING. I am laughing so hard I am crying and can barely type.

Like omg you guys! I totally saw Miley!

I walk past Bryant Park every day on my way to work, which means that every Friday I catch a little bit of their summer concert series. So far it's been a fairly small turnout for acts like the Counting Crows, Usher, and Chaka Khan, but today was different.

Today was Miley.

Usually the crowd stretches about halfway across the lawn, with a few scattered people who don't care that much staggered along the walkway outside the lawn. Today the crowd filled the lawn and the walkways and parts of the street bordering the park. You couldn't see anything because of all the signs and balloons being held up, and all the children carried on parents' shoulders – mostly girls, but a fair amount of boys, even teenage ones. All the little girls had on Miley and/or Hannah shirts (except one in a Demi Lovato shirt, which, really, little girl? Did you see Camp Rock? Because it was bad).

The main thing I noticed was that about half the girls were crying. And it wasn't happy crying. Look, five-year-old girls are not emotionally or physically equipped to get up at the crack of dawn, travel from suburbia to midtown Manhattan, and stand in the hot sun for hours, unable to see anything, bored and frustrated and filled with anxious anticipation, all for maybe seven minutes of their hero prancing around stage, barely glimpsed from Mommy's shoulders between signs that say "MILEY MAKES US SMILEY." It's an emotionally overwhelming experience on top of all the physical tsuris. I cried the first time I saw the Backstreet Boys in person, and I was 17. I can't imagine what it would have been like to see my musical idol at age seven. (Although it might not have been that exciting, since Shirley Temple wasn't exactly her iconic self at that point.)

The other thing I noticed was that Miley, when she finally appeared, was wearing a purple plaid shirt, denim short shorts, a white fedora, and black high-heeled ankle boots. Snazzy.

The music? Eh, it was okay.

(Check the performance here, here, and here.)

I don't know which side to buy

Y'all. Y'all. I have had Miley Cyrus's new single stuck in my head for five days now, and I'm still not even sure if I actually like it. Check it out:



I think we're going to have to resort to math on this one.

Plus: Girl can sing, and for once she's not overproduced, so you can really appreciate the richness of her natural voice. Take notes, Baby V: this is what a genuinely powerful singer sounds like. +10

Minus: She gets so shouty on the choruses that her voice is kind of wasted. Confidential to Miley: I know you want desperately to be a hardcore rocker girl, but you're 15, you dance (well, "dance") in concert, and your core fanbase is made up of eight-year-old girls who watch your show on the Disney Channel. You're a pop singer. Embrace the poposity. -6

Plus: On the other hand, there's something endearingly 15-year-old-y about the shouted chorus and tempo change. I totally would have considered that super badass at her age. +3

Minus: The lyrics hurt me in ways too vast to enumerate, starting with the fact that she totally lists more than seven things, and going on from there. -10

Plus: As Becky pointed out, the unsophisticated, vastly illogical lyrics (as well as the shouty chorus) do make it seem like Miley does actually write her own material, unlike the many other pop stars who claim to pen their own music. So good on her for getting her voice out there! I mean, her other voice. Look, you know what I mean. +5

Minus: …No, seriously, "And compared to all the great things that would take too long to write/ I probably should mention the seven that I like…" What? What? -2

Plus: I really enjoy the video. Miley manages to do the whole "I represent all broken-hearted teenage girls" thing without it coming across as arrogant. +7

Minus: Then again, she seems to feel that an oversized argyle vest is the same thing as a dress, which leads me to question Billy Ray's parenting skills. I mean, even more than I already have. (Does he know he has other kids?) -5

Plus: Then again again, she kind of rocks it. Maybe. Sort of. +2

Minus: Okay, I promise this is the last time I'll pick on the lyrics, but she says she's "not coming back"…and then totally tells him how nifty keen he is! Make up your mind, Cyrus! -4

Let's see, add all that up, and…it's a wash. Yeah, that looks about right.

…But it's still totally going on my iPod.

"...it's dry and they all have distinct characters..."

We haven't made an official intro post, because we're lazy, but who cares, because OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER.

So apparently there's this whole scandal about Miley Cyrus's Vanity Fair photos, and with good reason - they're creepy as all get out. (Rebecca says the second looks like a vampire. Who just got out of the shower. And has terrible posture. And the first is all "Why yes, we do attend Purity Balls. Wholesome!") But has anyone read the accompanying article? Because WHOA NELLY.

But back to Sex and the City. Miley says her Disney Channel sitcom, Hannah Montana, in which she plays a schoolgirl with a secret life as a rock star, is patterned in part after the former HBO series about women looking for love and hookups in Manhattan. “Obviously not the scenarios,” she explains quickly. “But if you watch Sex and the City, like the way the friends are, the way that it’s dry and they all have distinct characters—that’s a thing we try to do on our show.”

Sex and the City. Is like Hannah Montana.

Um. Hannah Montana is not dry. Hannah Montana has never even approached dry. Hannah Montana would not know what dry was if you left it in the Sahara for three months with nothing to eat but overcooked cornbread. It's hard to be dry when you're screaming while wearing a silly hat.

And. "Distinct characters"! "Not everyone is the same! Just like our show! Also, everyone has a nose!"

Oh man. Oh man oh man, I will be laughing about this ALL NIGHT. Who cares if she's not wearing a bra, this is FUNNY SHIT.