Open Letter VIII

Dear Zac Efron,



Your mustache is unacceptable.

Love,
Becky

We need to talk.

Sterling. Honey.

You are a talented kid. I really like you! I like you 17 Again. I love you in Sonny With a Chance. I enjoy when you babble about Power Rangers and actually play guitar.

But do you know what you're bad at?

Playing a pop star.

So please don't do that agai....

God damn it.

Never mind.

Open Letter

Vanessa. Honey. We have to talk.

Look: I like you! I think you're cute as a button, and in tiny part thanks to you, I now use delicious-smelling pink grapefruit facial wash. You are a cutie-patootie, a passable pop singer, and a mediocre but pretty-to-look-at actress. But honey.

Stop being naked on the internet.

Now, look. I love the theory that Naked Vanessa #1 was an attempt to get out of doing HSM3; fair enough. But whether it was a stunt or an accident, there was no way for you to come out of it not knowing that sending nudie pics to your boyfriend is a bad plan. Neither e-mail nor phone is super-secure, and people will get ahold of them! And you know this! So stop putting naked pictures of yourself where they can be easily pilfered!

Sigh.

I don't mind that you're naked. That's none of my business. I don't think it makes you a bad person, or even necessarily a bad role model (except that it makes you look kind of dumb because really, twice now?). Hey, you've been in a committed relationship for a few years now; you're above the age of legal consent; your boyfriend is a super-hottie. Knock yourself out behind closed doors, honey.

But this? This is not the way to break away from your Disney career. And since Bandslam looks to be another pretty tweenie-looking movie, I'm not even sure how you thought this would play out as a publicity stunt. Look: if you like showing folks your naked body, kudos for you! I bet you anything that Playboy or Maxim would take your phone call. You are an adult lady. You don't need anyone's approval if you want to be naked. You don't need to apologize for it. But for god's sake, stop with this cutesy, "Teehee, I'm accidentally naked, whoops!" thing. You don't need it.

Be naked if you want to. And if you don't, stop being a freaking moron.

That is all.

Love,
Becky

Morning Open Letter

Dear Zac Efron,



PULL UP YOUR GODDAMN PANTS.

Yours,
Becky

Via Ocean Up. Also baffling: At some point while putting gas in his car, Zef switched out his trucker hat for his trademark "I'm an enormous tool!" wool cap. And if these pictures are in chronological order, he then switched back. I guess he's just loves that devoted to looking like a tool.

A Letter, A Video, and A Deep Thought

Dear Obama Family,

Not even you can make the Jonas Brothers endearing. Even if you are the absolute cutest things that have ever, ever happened. Though at least if Malia must love the Jonii, she has the relatively-non-bad taste to like Least Detestable best.

That is all.

Love,
Becky

The Video

Now, some not-really-deep thinky thoughts. Sasha and Malia are becoming famous tweens in their own rights. So do they continue to be mostly media consumers, lovin' on the MoFoJoBros, Miley, etc; or do they become trend setters in and of themselves? Both? Perhaps we could get some kind of wacky TV show out of it -- the First Daughters Variety Hour! I'd watch it. It would have to be better government-based comedy than Corey in the House.

A Letter for the President

Dear President-Elect Obama,

Congratulations on your imminent presidency! We here at Tweenage are very happy about it, what with you being a public-speaking genius, a self-proclaimed feminist, a non-crazy person who actually knows, like, where other countries are and stuff, and only a few days away from winning the Dreamiest President Ever competition, which Franklin Pierce has been hogging since 1857.

That said, we fear you might be starting your presidency off on the wrong foot by inviting the Jonas Brothers to play at the Inaugural Ball. You're very busy being President-Elect and choosing puppies and stuff, so you might not know this, but they're detestable. Two of them are made of wax, and they sing like they're constipated. Plus, one of them thinks he's a cowboy, and I think we've had enough pretend cowboys in the White House for a while, don't you?

We understand that your daughters are under the inexplicable spell of the Jonas Brothers (you may want to ask the FDA to check the nation's elementary and middle school cafeteria lunches for hallucinogens, which might go far in explaining this Jonian popularity), but Miley Cyrus was also supposedly asked to perform, and surely she should be enough, what with her actually being good at singing and all. Please reconsider retracting this invitation to the Jonii. Perhaps you can instead extend an invitation to them to be the first Americans to colonize the sun? I'm sure NASA would be happy to rocket them far, far away.

Thank you for your time, and enjoy your inauguration. Say hi to the Lincoln Memorial for us!

Love and fist bumps,

Jess and Becky
Tweenage Wasteland, America

P.S. You may be amused by this article. Just be aware, they spelled the names wrong. For example, "Joe" is spelled "M-O-S-T-D-E-T-E-S-T-A-B-L-E."

Open Letter, II

Dear Zac Efron,

This is not exactly a hard news blog, but a few weeks ago, we reported on your sex-store exploits, and I made only a passing joke about how you were wearing the tooliest of tool hats.

Then my good friend Margot sent me this:

And aside from being hilarious, there's the damn hat again. And then I was looking through my folder of things to blog about ("stupid pictures of Zac Efron" subfolder) and found this:

And realized you are HOLDING a tool-y wool cap. Playing a hunch, I googled you and found:

...Look. We need to talk. Now, I already know that you don't like to shower, but Zef? Wearing a hat will not cover up that fact. It just makes you look like an unwashed tool wearing a hat. And that's a shame, because, as the blogger here at Tweenage who actually likes you, I think you have the potential to be adorable!

Instead of looking like this:

Here's what you need to do. Take off the hat. And go shower. And if you won't do it for me, do it for Vanessa, please? Because while I'm sure she told you that your collection of wool caps is totally cute, like, a year and a half ago, I am EQUALLY sure that she was lying because she assumed it was just a phase. Not that you would insist on wearing it every day instead of showering, like, ever. You know that really strained tone of voice she's been talking to you in every time the subject has come up? That's because she, like the rest of us, would like to burn the horrific things you put on your head.

So for her sake, for ours, and for your own, please -- PLEASE -- for the love of all that is holy, STOP with the wool caps. And then go buy some shampoo. Maybe even let Vanessa pick out a brand she likes for you!

Yours,
Becky

(PS: Sunglasses do not hide the fact that you are totally baked. Please pass that one on to Vanessa as well.)

Photo sources: here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, respectively.

Open Letter

Dear Disney,

Look, I think the whole thing where you have some of your stable of children record a song and do a video and intersperse it with movie clips is a cute, fun way of promoting both the kids in question and whatever horrible DCOM you're hoping they'll watch. But look. I'm already planning to watch Camp Rock, even though it has the Jonas Brothers, who I hate with the fiery passion of a million, billion suns. And I get that you're hoping it will be your next HSM-type hit, and that your goal is to make it impossible for me to stop humming Camp Rock.

But can we please at least keep this shit confined to your own station? I do not need to see the Jonii when I am innocently watching cartoons! Batman: The Animated Series is definitely not enhanced by children chanting, "We rock! We rock! We rock! CAMP ROCK!" Seriously. It kind of ruins the mood.

Love,
Becky

PS: Speaking of the "Disney star/mediocre song/terrible video with clips from a DCOM" formula, I direct everyone to Run It Back Again. Lord knows I love Corbin a lot, but everything about it is bad. Except for the moral, which seems to be, "Corbin is too stupid to open doors." Oh, Corbin.