I Kissed a Vampire and Was Kinda Underwhelmed By It

From the second that I Kissed a Vampire, a rock musical webseries staring Lucas Grabeel and Drew "Emmy Nominated, No, Really" Seeley, was announced, it was clear I was going to have to watch it, right? I mean, that's just common sense. Apparently, Misters Grabeel and Seeley agreed, because they were kind enough to hold a free premier event in NY, which they both attended, where viewers were treated to all three episodes and a free t-shirt. So, naturally, I attended.

I'd be frank, but we know that's just not my style, right? To beat around the bush, it is totally worth it to purchase the series on iTunes, if your goal is to support Lucas and Drew (and Adrian Slade, I guess, though I have no emotional investment in her). And that is a noble, totally worthwhile goal! I would support you in doing so! But if you purchase I Kissed a Vampire, that should be your only goal. Because guys… It was bad.

Like, bad-bad.

I went into expecting something terrible but full of ludicrous fun. Instead, it was just terrible. I mean, there are nice things I can say about it! It was almost a half-hour total, and I wasn't bored! The cast members all have lovely singing voices! I enjoyed seeing boys in eyeliner! But… Yeah, that's about it.

There were a bunch of weaknesses. The series was amusing, but didn't go nearly far enough to be good parody. It wasn't parodying anything in particular, either, as far as I could tell; there was sort of a general sense of, "Oh, vampires are hot right now, so we'll do vampires, but kind of funny, I guess? And singing! No one has done singing vampires before!" Except that yes, they have, and so while there were a few amusing lines, the parody aspect fell flat.

To give credit where it's due, I'll acknowledge this: Drew was flat-out, show-stealing-ly hilarious. Every single line he delivered made me laugh; in fact, looking back, those are the only lines I can remember. And while the whole thing was campy, he was the one who really turned it up to 11 -- where it needed to be, frankly -- frolicking around, licking guitars, made up like (as my friend Jen put it) the bastard love child of Ryan Ross and Pete Wentz.

But, speaking of laugh lines, it turns out that Lucas Grabeel does have an Achilles heel as an actor: punchlines. I was surprised, too! You guys know how much I love him and think he is fantastically talented! But every punchline he delivered fell into a sort of awkward no-mans-land of humor; none of the ludicrousness was played up enough to keep pace with Drew "Another Cinderella Story, No, I Mean the One With Selena Gomez" Seeley, but it was consistently played with too much of a wink to the audience to be a straight man or to let the situation speak for itself. (Um. Adrian Slade was also there. The fact that there's not much to say about her is primarily the show's fault; she had one big number, and otherwise did not, in fact, do anything at all.)

As for the material the cast had to work with… Oy fucking vey.

There was no story, no plot, no nothing. Each episode was an intro monologue, a few lines of dialogue, a song, a few more lines, a song, and out. The songs didn't advance the plot or establish character, particularly, and there just wasn't enough dialogue to carry plot or characters, either. So… There was basically nothing to it. Which would have been okay if the songs had been stand-out phenomenal, but they weren't; again, while well performed, the best of they managed was instantly forgettable, with not a single tune stuck in my head after. The worst was flat out dreadful. I mean… Really, really atrociously bad.

And yet, the worst part? During the Q&A session after the screening, the people behind the production -- the writer and director, if memory serves, though one may have been the producer? -- essentially copped to… Well, not how bad it was, exactly, but how utterly unconcerned they were with making it good. Like, they said, in as many words, "Oh, we weren't trying to put together something where one scene really followed another," and "We don't really know that much about vampires," and "It wasn't about telling a story." When asked a question about internal consistency by a fan, they were obviously shocked that anyone actually did assume that the series was supposed to move logically from points A to B, or present us with characters were should care about, or tell us a story about, I don't know, a guy who was bitten by a vampire and can't quite come to terms with it.

Though the fact that no one tried to do that was pretty clear from watching it.

So, all in all? It was a big mess. But on the upside, these moments happened!



So I count the night as a win, frankly.

Round Up

Some brief happenings, mostly but not exclusively featuring the HSM alum crowd, because even as HSM's stranglehold on tween culture fades, they remain my favorites:

* Lucas Grabeel (and Drew "Singing Voice of Zac Efron" Seeley) are making a musical vampire love story webseries.

* Tizz is blond again! For the most part, she's been looking awesome lately, but at the Fame premier, not so much.

* Corbin's motocross movie finally premiered. Meanwhile, The Beautiful Life-Colon-TBL also premiered. Thing I love about it: Corbin wandering around with no pants on. Things I am bored to tears by: virtually everything else. Alas.

* And finally, Sterling Knight gets a DCOM scheduled for next year. Hooray! (And yes, I read Popstar Online for this blog.)

And because what the heck, it's Friday, have a flashback:

O-Town: Liquid Dreams

Not gonna lie. I watched every episode of their two seasons of Making the Band.

Note to the rest of the cast of HSM:

That is how you belt.

Shame we can't see any of the dancing, huh?

Countdown to HSM: Top 10 Best Things About High School Musical

10. Ryan's HSM3 doll wears a kilt
Becky: The costumes throughout HSM are pretty good -- except Kelsi's in the second movie, I think perhaps she ran over the costumer's dog or something -- but the best thing ever is actually on a doll. Ryan Evans, at least in plastic form, wears a KILT.
Jess: Why a kilt? Who cares! I, for one, hope this is a sign of a future HSM/DuckTales crossover, where Ryan and Scrooge McDuck go back to McDuck Castle in Scotland to have high campy adventures.
(Kilt picture from Molly.)

9. The homoerotic nonsense that is the Suite Life HSM episode
Jess: Okay, Suite Life is basically terrible, but for some reason the repeated joke of Maddie (Ashley Tisdale) insisting that she looks just like Sharpay (Ashley Tisdale) and no one else believing her makes me crack up. Other enjoyable things: the ludicrous casting of fey little Slightly Better Sprouse as the slightly less fey Troy, "Floss: The Musical," and the use of a plot point from Singin' in the Rain, which you might have noticed I'm rather partial to.
Becky: I just like to think about the cross-dimensional aspect it brings to Disney. Miley Cyrus -- a real person -- appears in HSM2, so that puts those two in the same universe; but Hannah Montana appears on the Suite Life so that puts those two in the same world; but the Suite Life performs HSM, so...HUH? The pandimensionality is broken! HSM actually broke the universe!

8. Jump In
Becky: It's only fair that if we blame HSM for Camp Rock, we credit it for Corbin's movie, right? And while Jump In is hilariously bad, it's also adorable, and it's Corbin at his best -- playing smug, dancing, and telling a coming out story.
Jess: Did you know boys can double dutch? Thanks to Corbin, I now know they totally can!

7. As bad as the musical aspects are, the return of musicals to mainstream
Becky: Kids are eating the musical thing up, even though what they're being given is bad. SURELY movie makers will eventually catch on and start making GOOD movie musicals, right?
Jess: Oh God. That is my beautiful, beautiful dream. Hold me, Becky!

6. The fact that every little girl I know knows the "All In This Together" dance
Jess: The very first time I saw HSM, my sister jumped up during the finale and did the "We're All in This Together" dance. I've seen kids I substitute for do it, kids at the Disney Store do it, kids on the street do it. It's not brilliant or anything, but heck, anything that makes the world more like a musical is okay in my book
Becky: In fairness, though, Jess and I have been the people doing the dance in the Disney Store. Uh, it may be mildly less charming when it's a couple of 20-somethings. Especially if one of them is me. (Zac Efron and I are comparable dancers.)

5. The launching of Lucas Grabeel's career (hopefully)
Jess: Lucas is the only - I repeat, the only good actor in the first HSM, and remains the best in HSM2. He's the strongest singer in the cast (God, his voice!), and just behind Corbin in dancing. And he is completely adorable. Please let this boy become wildly famous, gods of the universe. Please.
Becky: As the shallow one, I feel obligated add: Lucas isn't exactly hard on the eyes, either. If anyone deserves to get out of this franchise alive, it's him.

4. The ultimate message: it's totally cool to be who you are, no one has to live in a single little box, and we should embrace our differences and still be BFF
Becky: HSM has been referred to as a new generation's Grease, but there's one major difference. At the end of Grease, Sandy gives up on who she is and what she believes in so she can get the dreamy boy (at least, if you're willing to believe Travolta is dreamy). So to give credit where it's due, HSM is much better -- if for nothing else than because at the end, it's all about being true to who you are.
Jess: We refer here to the first movie, of course - the message of the second movie seems to be "Don't do drugs, because you'll turn orange and start seeing giant clocks and crazy girls in wedding dresses and stuff."

3. Gabriella's understated independence
Jess: Vanessa's no great shakes as an actress, and I went into HSM2 not liking Gabriella very much at all. That changed when I saw her behavior towards Troy.
Becky: I'm now going to project my own issues wildly onto Gabi. See, when I was in high school, I had a boyfriend who I was desperately, passionately in love with, and he with me. Except he was extremely jealous and possessive, and as a direct result, I was miserable for well over a year. But I didn't get why, or what I could do about it -- hey, I was 15. And when the thought did flicker through my mind that maybe I would be happier without him, I was overwhelmed by guilt: I loved him, why wasn't that enough? He'd feel awful if we broke up; I couldn't do that to him.

So it actually means a lot to me to see Gabi as a role model for girls in the second movie. Because Troy is a complete tool, and blows her off, and treats her really badly. And she breaks up with him, because she knows that she deserves to be happy. Their exchange in "Gotta Go My Own Way" is actually really brilliant in that regard. She knows what's right, and she does it. She doesn't need Troy to be happy. And yes, that is what I want girls to see on TV.

Also, when refusing to buy into Sharpay's games, her disgusted delivery of, "What's the prize, Troy?" is pretty much accidental genius.

2. An ethnically and visually varied cast
Jess: Oh, and hey, speaking of good role models, how about a Latina heroine (Vanessa's multiracial but Gabi seems to be straight-up Latina, not that it matters) and two interracial couples (Troy/Gabi and Sharpay/Zeke, if the latter counts as a couple)? That's pretty cool. I hear Martha gets to be head cheerleader in HSM3, as well - that's pretty freaking awesome, even if KayCee kind of gives me a headache.
Becky: HSM actually as a cast that isn't 100% caucasian, heterosexual, and skinny. That shouldn't be an accomplishment, but you know what? It is. Let's hope the rest of TV follows.

1. Ryan Evans
Becky: We snark about how incredibly, mind-bogglingly gay Ryan is a lot on this blog. We have an entire category dedicated to it. And -- okay, we mostly do it because it's funny. But the punchline isn't, "Heh, heh, he's gay." The punchline is that Disney, a corporation not exactly known for taking progressive stances, has provided a beloved, respected, positively-portrayed character, who happens to be flamingly gay. And has aimed this character to kids -- kids who are still forming opinions on what is normal and socially-acceptable behavior. And I want to live in a world where no one thinks real kids who happen to be like Ryan Evans are anything but normal.
Jess: Yes, Disney will tell you that they're not dealing with sexuality in these movies and jump through endless verbal hoops to keep from admitting that Ryan is gay. And yeah, it really, really sucks that they can't just have him be gay and have that be the end of it (let alone let him have a love interest. I mean, outside of "I Don't Dance"). But hey. Ryan Evans loves what he does and who he is. Everyone should have a role model like that.

We'll be seeing the movie at a late showing tonight and will likely fall down exhausted as soon as we get home. So our review will be up at some point tomorrow. In the mean time, though, enjoy the best number from the franchise so far. (Will it be topped? We shall see tonight!)

Countdown to HSM3: The Top 10 Things We'd Like to Say to the Cast

10. "Anyone who plays an East High faculty member, right on down to the principal and the pregnant science teacher: Stop. Just stop. You're a terrible actor and no one likes you. Go away."

9. "Monique, you are super cute and sassy. We should be BFF. Call us!"

8. "Manley (director Kenny Ortega's dog, who plays Sharpay's dog): man, what is your life like? Cheetohs for dinner and watching Anchors Aweigh every night, am I right?"

7. "KayCee, CALM THE HELL DOWN."

6. "Baby V, you need to stop singing through your nose. Also, you need to stop calling yourself Baby V."

5. "Okay, Kenny, you're not technically a cast member, but whatevs. We appreciate the homoeroticism in everything you make. Keep up the good work! But maybe let the HSM thing end while it's still joyously bad, before it becomes just plain old bad."

4. "Lucas, you are way too good for this shit. You should pretend you don't know that, though, because because this shit is the primary reason you're going to go on to have a decent career, so don't behave like a jackass."

3. "Corbin, honey, someday all those tingly feelings you get around cute boys - and your love of leopard print - will make sense."

2. "Tizz. All the plastic surgery in the world will not turn you into Reese Witherspoon. You are smart and funny and you need to give up on the Rom Com Princess dream and start making a career that works for you. Might I suggest teaming up with Josh Peck to make a series of wacky comedies penned by a couple of bloggers? Just throwing that out there!"

1. "Oh, Zefron. Perhaps you should consider more movies where you are not singing and especially not dancing. Because you are very, very bad at dancing. AND DO NOT MAKE A FOURTH MOVIE. NO MATTER WHAT FRANCHISE THEY PROMISE YOU. IT IS CAREER DEATH."

And in the spirit of getting things off our chests...

It makes you wanna dance for joy

So...the HSM kids are shilling bread now?



Okay, you have to understand that I am still bitter - ten years after the fact - that the Gap stopped doing the dancing commercials, where you'd have like 20 people tap dancing in khakis. If I am to be beset by advertisements, I insist they be full of fresh-faced young people dancing exuberantly. If your product won't make me dance down the streets, GET OFFA MY TEEVEE.

So this commercial would please me even if it didn't include bouncy HSMers. But it DOES! Which is why I've watched it 20 times. DUN JUDGE ME.

Items of note:

1. Gee, I wonder which two of these four are trained dancers? Could it be the two who are actually dancing, and not posing in rhythm?

2. I think it's pretty amusing that the cinematography, directing, choreography, and songwriting are all superior to anything from any of the movies so far.

3. LUCAS EEEEEEE.

4. Okay, he's rambling and redundant and doofy, but how precious is Corbin in that interview? You teach those kids to eat right, Corbin! You teach them to eat...health food. Like...Sara Lee bread. Uh.

Well, his heart's in the right place.

As an extra special treat, have the Corbin-only version!



My, but that boy can dance.

Yeah, I'm Not Surprised

Via Gawker, Zac Efron Skips the Shower. An anonymous tipster say:

"Zac isn't a big fan of showering," a set insider tells Star.

"It's so gross, because Zac loves to work out and plays basketball all the time — and then goes days without showering. When he gets lazy, he likes to clean himself with baby wipes!"

Star wonders what Vanessa thinks. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

An Informal Tweenage Poll:
Who told Star that Zac doesn't shower?
a) Lucas and Monique -- they think this shit is hilarious
b) Corbin -- if no one likes Zef anymore, perhaps they'll love him best!*
c) Mitchell Musso -- he was on set fetching sandwiches, and Zef overshared
d) Vanessa herself -- passive-aggression is so hot right now

Weigh in in the comments.

*I already do, Corbin!

High School Musical Cast to Press: "Don't Worry, HSM3 Will Still Be Bad"

You know, I've occasionally wondered if the cast of the High School Musical franchise has any idea how terrible the movies are. And it turns out, they do!

From here, we get some choice quotes. Like, "We're not looking to top anything," from Zef. Then V calls the series out as, "a little over-the-top and stuff," and notes its "utter lack of pretense," though I suspect that bit was paraphrased.

But the absolute best quote is from Monique, emphasis mine: "We're making another movie. I know, personally, I'm not going in there tempted to do it better, but just to do it justice."

"What's lovable about the HSM franchise is that it's terrible," Lucas Grabeel adds. "Just because the third movie is a theatrical release doesn't mean we're going to try and make it good. Also, Ryan will still be super gay."

(Wait. I accidentally made that last paragraph up. Oops.)