A Fairly Decent Movie: I'm As Surprised As You Are, Timmy Turner!

I love Drake Bell. I think he’s adorable, and a super talented actor and musician, and basically an all-around cool human being. (And I saw him in concert a few weeks ago. I should probably write that up.) Which is why I’m so frustrated with his post-Drake and Josh acting choices, because he seems really committed to cheerfully making terrible movies no one wants to see. (I’m also frustrated with Josh, but that’s less because of his acting choices and more because he’s a pothead.)

I successfully avoided College and Superhero Movie, but I did make Becky TiVO the live-action Fairly Odd-Parents movie last week, mostly out of morbid curiosity. I didn’t watch the show much, which was somewhat after my youthful Nick-watching days and before my weird grownup Nick-watching days, but I was familiar enough with it to be horrified by Drake’s decision to slum it. Regardless, I figured the movie would be terrible and thus good for a lulzy blogpost.

Unfortunately, there are no lulz for you, because – shockingly! – the movie wasn’t terrible.

Oh, it was incoherent. The basic premise is that Timmy, knowing that he’ll lose his beloved fairy godparents (and godbrother) when he grows up, refuses to leave the fifth grade or his parents’ house, and thus even though he’s 23, he’s still basically a kid. But when Tootie, a dorky girl who had a crush on him when they were kids, returns to town all hottified, he starts to consider the benefits of leaving childhood behind. Meanwhile, basically everyone else in the world wants him to give up the fairies.

This means that there are anywhere from three to five antagonists: A mean ol’ businessman who wants to pave over Dimmsdale Park teams up with Timmy’s teacher to steal Timmy’s fairies. Meanwhile, Jorgen Von Strangle tries to force Timmy to fall in love in order to make him grow up. Also Vicky, Timmy’s old babysitter, is in the movie but with basically nothing to do. And Tootie/love itself is its own conflict.

So everything happens really fast, there’s not enough time given to any characters or relationships to make the payoffs work, and I was honestly kind of lost. Plus the vague attempts to make the movie cartoony didn’t really work. And there’s a brief scene where Cosmo and Wanda turn into humans, because apparently Jason Alexander and Cheryl Hines had nothing better to do with their time (the creepy-looking CGI characters are voiced by their regular actors for the bulk of the movie). And no one seemed particularly skeptical of or surprised by the fairies.

And yet the movie…kind of works? And that’s 80% because of Drake, who, bless his soul, totally goes for it and makes you believe that he’s this earnest, fun-loving little manchild. (It helps that Drake Bell is one of the Fair Folk, and boyishly adorable.) Timmy is a delight all the way through, and while I don’t think this movie was necessarily the right choice for Drake, Drake was clearly the right choice for this movie.

Another 15% of the credit goes to Daniella Monet, who also totally throws herself into the role of Tootie. (Actually, no one phones it in in this, which is more than you can say for the typical DCOM. Also, the production values are much better.) I still can’t sit through an episode of Victorious, but the supporting ladies of the cast are growing on me. And 5% of the credit goes to Timmy’s random little kid friends, who get all the best lines, and one of whom is wearing a Jughead hat for no particular reason.

There were some gross gender-related issues in the movie, mostly involving Timmy’s friends AJ and Chester refusing to help him save his godparents and Tootie unless he magically coerced some hot girls into dating him, and the awful dynamics of Cosmo and Wanda’s marriage (she nags him! he insults her! hilarious!). But for the most part, the movie, while not good by any stretch of the imagination, wasn’t really bad either. And for a live action made-for-TV special based on a cartoon, what more can you ask?

Hey there, Boo Boo! Wait, what?

Yes, this makes total sense to me.

Apparently, Justin Timberlake will be voicing Boo Boo in the upcoming Yogi Bear movie.

You know, some days this blog just kind of writes itself.

Down on Klickitat Street.

I love Beverly Cleary's Ramona books more than I can properly express, and I was both excited and worried about the new movie adaptation, mostly thanks to Selena Gomez, who I enjoy quite a lot as an actress, but who is pretty much the last person I'd cast as sensible, awkward, somewhat-dowdy Beezus. Still, I went, because according to the trailer they were going for a Beezus/Henry Huggins romance, and I have been gunning for those two to get married since I was about six.

And, well. Ramona and Beezus does not fit my mental image of the books at all, really. But it is a cute, bright, funny movie about an extremely likeable little girl, and I enjoyed it immensely.

Sure, the movie's a little overfull, since they tried to cram in plot elements from most of the eight Ramona books. And the special effects-laden fantasies of Ramona's imagination running away with her don't really work. And Henry (who is, in general, kind of blah) does not appear to have his famous dog, Ribsy, which is a travesty beyond expression.

But, on the plus side:

- Joey King is adorable as Ramona, who is spunky and creative and lovable, and holds up the theme of being true to yourself very well.

- Her relationship with her father - she was always a daddy's girl in the books - is beautifully done, and John Corbett does a great job in general at playing Ramona's stressed but loving father. Like, I want him to be my dad. So great.

- The romance between Ramona's Aunt Beatrice (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Ramona's best friend's Uncle Hobart (Josh Duhamel) is really sweet and fun. Also, I don't think I'm going to be able to reread the books without having the hots for Uncle Hobart now.

- The cat(s?) playing Picky-Picky is precious.

- It was really funny! Some parts had me laughing kind of embarrassingly loud (best line: Beezus tearfully asks "Who could love a girl named Beezus?" and Ramona timidly offers "...Jesus?").

- Selena Gomez, while not my Beezus, plays an acerbic Type A older sister very well, and is pleasingly aggressive in her romance with Henry.

- ...and all the little moments from the books that made me squeal. Susan's curls! Willa Jean being a brat! There's a moment when their dad brings home gummy bears for the girls in a paper bag, just like in the books, and I kept nudging my poor friend in sheer glee. Books! Books I love, on the screen!

In conclusion, while not my Ramona, this was a good Ramona, and I'm glad there's a fun, cheerful movie out there about girls and family and imagination, and gladder still that it'll probably get more kids reading the books, because those books are darn good.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pen my four-trillion-word Henry/Beezus fanfic. AND DAMMIT, THERE WILL BE RIBSY.

WHAT WHAT WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT

I loved Drake and Josh, and have been keeping an eye on the the careers of both stars since it ended. A few days ago, when I heard that Drake would be appearing in The Fairly Oddparents movie, I was:

1. pleased to hear that he is actually going to be in a thing, since he's been kind of MIA since the show ended,
2. troubled that he's apparently still under that blood oath to Nickelodeon, and
3. confused, because he's obviously too old to play a kid and too young to play a parent, and the fairies are apparently going to be CGI. Maybe he's slated to play pop star Chip Skylark?

But no. According to Just Jared Jr., Drake will be playing 10-year-old Timmy Turner.

omg that outfit

Whaaaaaaaat.

On the one hand, this is kind of terrible. The movie (about Timmy's refusal to grow up) looks terrible, the hook of the plot (hotting up the crazy nerd in order to make Timmy want to grow up) sounds terrible, and the effect this will have on Drake's career will probably be terrible.

But on the other hand...oh my God I am so going to see this movie, because that picture is hilarious.

Next up: Russell Crowe as Jimmy Neutron.

A Winning Strategy

Confession time: I have found Miley really annoying lately.

Oh, she's still a great singer! But the pole dancing and the Noah Cyrus controversies and the everything she says coming out vapid and spoiled and the hey hey...it's really turned me off to La Cyrus. So I was surprised today when I read something that made Miley come off as charming and likable as she used to, before she conquered the Earth: an interview with her and Nicholas Sparks, whose book is the basis of her new movie, The Last Song.

I mean, she doesn't say much of anything in the article. But Sparks comes off as so condescending, arrogant, and unbelievably, ludicrously full of himself (he compares himself to Sophocles and Hemingway, then cites his own book as his favorite "tale of youth"), that Miley, by contrast, appears to be a treasure of good humor, cute teenage-ness, and self-awareness.

Clearly, Miley's new gameplan is simple: just hang out with people who are so reprehensible they make her look really good by contrast. (Confidential to Miley: This doesn't work when that person is Paris Hilton.) Good luck, Smiley!

Oh, HELL no.

Unacceptable. I have no opinions on Jennifer Stone, but awkwardly forcing Harriet (a teenage Harriet) into the modern age by having her blog (Why on earth would she blog? The things she writes about are secret! THAT'S KIND OF THE WHOLE POINT.) makes me want to punch everything. NICKELODEON ALREADY TRIED TO MAKE A COOL, MODERN HARRIET THE SPY AND IT DIDN'T WORK. STOP IT.

MAJOR Details

Things I Love:

1. Stories about girls' private schools.
2. Stories about girls solving mysteries.
3. Stories about girls' friendship.
4. Jennette McCurdy.

Movies That I Am Going to Watch the Crap Out Of, Even Though They Are Direct-to-DVD and Don't Look Very Good:

1. Minor Details, baby!

Pic from Just Jared, Jr.

Fame: Pretty Good, ActuaTHEY DID WHAT???

Despite my reservations, I saw Fame tonight. It was pretty good! Except for one aspect that was completely infuriating and disgusting and more retrograde and vile than anything shown in the 1980 version. WHOOPS. What follows is a quick, non-spoilery breakdown of the performances, followed by a SPOILER WARNING, followed by the infuriating part. (Although I should point out that Fame, like both the original film and the play, has no plot, so there's not much to be spoiled.)

The Kids We'd Heard of Before: Little Panabaker was quite good! So was Anna Maria Perez de Tagle, who really, really needs a better stage name, but who can apparently do justice to a script that's neither Hannah Montana nor Camp Rock. Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance turns out to be a mediocre actress, but she was also, oddly, a mediocre dancer - technically fine, but nowhere close to the entrancing uber-goddess she was supposed to be. Asher Book of V Factory was definitely the weakest link acting-wise, and though his singing was not bad, he sounded...well, like a member of a boy band, which didn't really fit in with songs like "Someone To Watch Over Me."

The Kids We Hadn't: All quite good! Naturi Naughton is rightfully going to get a lot of praise for her voice. None of the others were real standouts to me, but they all did very well.

The Grownups: Should have had more to do - at least, Bebe Neuwirth, Kelsey Grammer, and Megan Mullally should. They didn't have much to do besides expose the soft fleshy underbellies of their students, and Megan's one song was a disappointment, but they captivated the viewers' attention (particularly Bebe) in a way these wet-behind-the-ears young actors haven't yet learned to do. (And one scene made me want epic fanfiction about how Kelsey Grammer's character is in love with Megan Mullally's. I DON'T KNOW.)


And now, for the part that pissed me off...


SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER


Little Panabaker and Asher Book play aspiring actors who start dating. At a party, Andy, a former student of the school who is now a regular on a TV show, approaches Little, compliments her on a recent performance, and suggests she come by the set to meet the casting director and audition as a day player. He's also clearly into her, although it's not clear if she knows that. She's thrilled at the professional opportunity, and gives him her number. Asher comes in just in time to see her apparently give some guy her number and accept a kiss on the cheek from him, and storms out. She explains what happened, apologizes (even though she didn't do anything wrong), offers to never talk to Andy again if that's what Asher wants, and then placates him by inviting him up to her empty apartment. So...placating the angry boyfriend by telling him he can veto who she talks to and then offering sexual favors (it's not clear how far they go, but they're not going to her apartment to play Parcheesi)? Uh...sounds great.

Then she goes to Andy's set and is invited into his trailer. He tells her the casting director isn't there, but wants them to make a video, and oh, here's a kissing scene in the script - all a very transparent attempt to get into her pants. She doggedly attempts to act the scene a couple of times, but finally realizes (or accepts) that this isn't legit, tells him off, and leaves. Good for her! In the original film, something similar happens but the girl doesn't get the courage to leave, and I was pleased that Little was able to do so.

Next scene: she's telling Asher what happened. She's clearly very upset, and with good reason - she was just betrayed and molested.

He gets mad at her.

His girlfriend was just SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, and he yells at her while she cries that she knew all along what was going to happen, that she was using sexuality to get ahead, and that if being famous means that much to her, fine, he's done. Then he storms off.

Some time later, at a party with mutual friends, she apologizes again for hurting him and asks if they can ever get past it. He doesn't answer, but later in the scene takes her hand, which apparently means that he's forgiven her.

For being MOLESTED.

This movie blames the victim of sexual assault for bringing it on herself. Her boyfriend essentially calls her a slut and a tease and breaks up with her because she was tricked and violated. This didn't happen in the 1980 film, or the 1988 play, when female characters found themselves in similar situations - situations which turned out a lot worse for the girls in question. All they received was sympathy.

No, it's not until 2009 that we're told that a 17 year old girl who trusts a former schoolmate not to take advantage of her is BAD and WRONG for DARING to be alone with a man without her boyfriend's permission. It's not until the 21st century that Fame wants us to join this supposedly likeable, upstanding boyfriend in shunning a girl who has just been through a traumatic experience. It's not until now that we're expected to applaud a steaming pile of misogyny in what is otherwise a pretty decent movie.

Way to take us backwards, Fame. Fuck you.

Bandslam

This weekend, your bloggers took a journey to the heart of darkness -- or, more specifically, to the small New Jersey town where Jess went to high school. We were only trying to beat the heat of New York City, but it turned out to be thematically appropriate, because while in the Garden State Parkway State, we saw Bandslam, which is not only set in a New Jersey high school, but which turned out to be much like Jess's high school experience: angsty, hormonal, poorly paced, and full of ska. Oh, and kind of suckish.

A few of our commenters had let us know that a) the movie was much better than it looked; and b) it was completely mismarketed. Y'all were right on both points. The marketing failure is basically understandable, when you consider that it's starring both Vanessa Hudgens and Aly of Aly & AJ (sorry, I mean 78violet) fame; making it look sparkly and tweenie was inevitable. But that wasn't the movie's real market -- it was a teen comedy, more along the lines of 10 Things I Hate About You (albeit with a more indie feel); it's a movie meant for actual teens who are actually in high school. You can tell, because it was heavy on the How Much High School Sucks commentary.

Jess: It also had the kind of protagonist who appeals more to teens than tweens: the awkward, sensitive loner Will, played to perfection by Gaelan Connell, who probably spent the entire movie baffled by the fact that he was playing opposite Aly and La Hudge. He had the earnestness of a teenager who is totally into classic rock and convinced that he's the only one who's ever heard of, say, Led Zeppelin down pat, and he may soon start stealing roles from Michael Cera, but God, I'm so sick of whiny nice guy misfit protagonists, and the fact that the plot went seriously awry towards the end doesn't really help me to like Will. But more on that later.

Becky: Squeaky Hudgens played outsider Sa5m (the 5 is silent), and made a serious effort to be less piercing than usual. She doesn't quite pull off flat monotone, which makes her first few scenes awkward, but when the writing settled down and focused less on "look what a misanthropic outsider weirdo she is!" she did a pretty good job. But the script never quite decided what kind of outsider she actually was -- the visual cues (heavy eyeliner, black nailpolish) said goth, but the personality cues leaned much more heavily towards shy nerd. And somehow they missed the archetype that would have actually made sense, the music-obsessed indie chick, which is a shame, because if Sa5m (that causes me physical pain to type) had been more into music, it would have made the relationship between her and Will read a lot more genuine.

Jess: Aly Michalka was much more convincing as Charlotte, the oh-so-fascinating-and-unattainable rock goddess who recruits Will as her band's manager. (The plot around her character was kind of rocky, but that wasn't her fault.) Lisa Kudrow and Scott Porter were fine but unremarkable as Will's mom and Charlotte's ex-boyfriend, respectively, although Scott Porter can barely pass for a college student anymore, let alone a high school one. The rest of the cast of kooky misfits was appropriately kooky and misfitty.

Becky: Basically, this movie had all the elements it needed for a decent teen flick. The pacing was a little off and some elements never quite gelled into place -- Hudge's jealousy of Aly springs to mind -- but the first 3/4 or so were fun and watchable. Some of it was actually really sweet, some of it was really funny. But unfortunately, it went all to hell at the climax. The climax was supposed to be a double-whammy of awfulness: it's revealed that Will's been lying to everyone about his father, and also, Charlotte has betrayed everyone. And while the first part more or less works, the second... Not. At. All.

Jess: Yeah. Not to spoil you guys too much, but the "betrayal" scene basically consists of Will, our ostensible hero, screaming at Charlotte for being distant and cranky on the way to her father's funeral. At which point Becky and I realized we both hated him, and none of his mopey "poor me" posturing for the rest of the movie could get him back into our good graces.

Becky: Not to mention the fact that her "betrayal" didn't actually involve betraying anyone. The only thing she did that was in any way bad was make Will feel bad about himself, and since he was being a total asshole AND her father had just died, yeah, our sympathy was with her, not him, which wasn't what the movie wanted us to take out of that scene. And it didn't help that the entire rest of the movie was about what a super-special, awesome, all around fantastic, fabulous guy Will was. ZOMG WE GET IT. SHUT UP, MOVIE.

Jess: And then the movie wanted us to believe that Will's band went on to take the world by storm. There are several reasons to doubt this:

1. The band's name is "I Can't Go On...I'll Go On." What? No. Shut up.
2. It is fronted by Vanessa Hudgens in a macrame dress. Rawk.
3. They cover "Everything I Own," which...I'm sorry, but you cannot rock out (or shred, which Vanessa commanded them to do in the trailer but sadly not in the movie) to a Bread song. A Bread song that has been covered by *NSYNC, Boy George, and Olivia Newton-John.
4. It's a ska band! Ska! I'm sorry, I didn't realize this movie was set in 1994.
5. Spoiler but oh my God you guys this shit is ridiculous: DAVID BOWIE SEES THE BAND ON YOUTUBE AND OFFERS THEM A RECORD DEAL. THE REAL DAVID BOWIE. IN THIS MOVIE. FOR SOME REASON.

Becky: And finally, let's not forget some casual racism. Early on in the movie, Will completely dismisses a group of black students as listening to hip-hop or rap; they aren't worth his time to talk about (in fact, the only black students I can recall seeing are listening to or performing rap and hiphop). He goes on to make fun of white kids who are listening to reggae. But repeatedly in the movie, he and other characters profess their deep love of ska artists by saying, "They took reggae...and made it their own!" So: black kids enjoying music primarily performed by black people? Dismissed out of hand. White kids listening to music primarily performed by black people? Laughably stupid. But white kids listening to music primarily performed by white people while actively applauding the artists for appropriating it from black people? AWESOME. Not that it's a surprise. After all, Will is obsessed with rock generally, so I guess it's a proud tradition.

Jess: Basically, Bandslam had elements of a good movie floating around in there, but failed to tie them together, and threw a few major stumbling blocks in there for good measure. We basically wanted to go back in time, get our hands on the script, and mark it up like crazy with our red pens. Alas, that technology is not yet available. If you're a big Hudgens or Michalka fan or enjoy neurotic white guys being sad about their lives (and someone must, or Woody Allen wouldn't have a career), you could do worse than giving Bandslam a shot. But you could do a whole lot better, too.

Baby, remember my name

The latest remake of Fame leaves me with many questions. Is it based on the movie, the stage show, the TV show, or is it just a bunch of kids at a performing arts school with a couple of the more recognizable songs crammed in there? Is it still set at the New York High School of Performing Arts, and if so, does it take place in the 80s, since the NYHSoPA was folded into LaGuardia High School a quarter century ago, and I don't see any painters in the trailer? And perhaps most importantly, what on earth is the point of remaking a movie that's less than 30 years old? I mean, the clothing may be violently late 70s, but the film's central thesis isn't exactly dated beyond recognition.

It's not that I'm in love with the original Fame. I've actually always found it rather boring. But I'm so very baffled by this new one! And vaguely concerned by the veneer of glitz they seem to be laying over it, when the original Fame was more about laying bare the hardwork and agonies of performing - not about the stage, but about the memorization, the vocal scales, the exercises at the barre, the blood, sweat, and tears that go into that fleeting chance to, as the song says, live forever. It's not sparkly.

I am pleased by the cast. Bebe Neuwirth and Debbie Allen are rightfully living legends, Kesley Grammer is an inspired choice, and Megan Mullally will probably surprise quite a few people with her pipes. As far as the kids go: Asher Book is the perfectly acceptable frontman of the fairly decent boy band V Factory, and from what I can tell from snippets of the soundtrack, he is at least vocally pretty much perfect for the part I suspect he's playing (regardless of the version, Fame always seems to have a skinny neurotic white boy actor, although if that's him with the guitar in the poster he may have just thrown my theory out the window). Kay Panabaker (or Little Panabaker, as we call her) has appeared on various Disney Channel stuff, and although our hearts belong to her older sister (Big (Danielle) Panabaker, star of our beloved Sky High), we're down with all Panabakers as a rule. Anna Maria Perez de Tagle (you probably should've shortened the stage name, hon) plays a bitchy sidekick (poorly) in Hannah Montana and a bitchy sidekick (poorly) in Camp Rock. Let's see if she can actually act off a decent script (assuming this movie has a decent script)! Finally, Bitchy Dance Goddess is played by Kherington of So You Think You Can Dance Season 4, who wasn't our favorite, but at least we know she can dance, which is not always the case in these kinds of movies, Zac Efron.

So cast-wise I am cautiously optimistic. But...listen to those soundtrack snippets again, or at least the second and last ones, the snippets of the title song. "Fame" is not a laidback, groovy dance tune. It is not cool. It is not patient. It is an explosion of ambition and joy and excitement, of dancing on taxis and demanding attention. It is this:



I don't care what you do to the plot, NewFame, but give me that uncontrollable longing bursting out of every student in that school, or you and I will have some very harsh words.

Aliens in the Attic

I mentioned a couple of times that Jess and I were excited for Aliens in the Attic, La Tizz's first post-HSM3 cinematic offering. Excitement levels skyrocketed when we found out Josh Peck, Jess's Inappropriately Young TV Crush, was one of the voice actors. So, while we didn't quite make it opening day, we did catch it last weekend. Here's the rundown: Math-and-science nerd Tom Pearson (Carter Jenkins) is none too happy about spending his summer vacation with his family, particularly his bully of a cousin (Austin Butler), his perfect older sister (La Tizz), and her jerk of a boyfriend (Robert Hoffman), but the summer takes a turn for the even worse when the kids discover that a scouting expedition for an alien invasion has landed on their roof.

So how was the movie? Let's go to the points system!

Physical Comedy: The repeated guy-gets-hit-in-the-nuts gags were overdone (did you know aliens have testicles? you do now!), but Robert Hoffman's performance as the sleezy boyfriend under alien mindcontrol was amazing. And Tizz fell in a lake! We love when she does that! +10

The moral: Math is cool! It's good to be smart! Don't hide who you are! +5

Poor execution of the moral: No one stops halfway through a fight to draw a parabola and do math problems before shooting at the enemy. That's not how aiming works. -5

Wacky alien romance subplot: What was this? Why did it happen? It was clumsy and the gender politics made my skin crawl a little. -10

Josh: Jess's Inappropriately Young Tween Star Boyfriend did a decent job as the nice alien, but was underutilized in Jess's opinion, in that he didn't have all the lines. +10

Nerdy Protagonist: He did a perfectly serviceable job in a completely by-the-numbers role, but was most enjoyable when the story forgot he had an emotional arc because he was busy fighting aliens. +2

Austin "Hey, It's That (Tween) Guy!" Butler: He was reasonably amusing in his brief appearances on Hannah Montana and iCarly, and is pretty genuinely hilarious in this as the slacker cousin who gets a leeettle too cheerfully Full Metal Jacket on the aliens. His "It's the po-po!" was probably the funniest line in the movie. +10

Little sister: Of course the little girl (who, with Tizz, is outnumbered 2-to-1 by boy cousins) is the gentle, nurturing one who befriends the nice alien. The idea that boys are devoid of compassion and girls are nothing but is a stereotype we have had more than enough of, but it was hardly a surprise. But this poor kid suffers from Webby Vanderquack Syndrome: she looks about eight, but sounds and acts about four. It's meant to be cute but just makes her come off as mentally deficient. - TEN THOUSAND.

The twins cousins: Were even more forgettable than the Sprouses. 0

Surprising star power: Tim Meadows, Kevin Nealon, and Andy Richter were all in this movie. +10

But they didn't do anything: Like, at all. -5.

The Actual Plot: Holds together reasonably well, despite some flaws (like frequently forgetting the parents exist, and the alien invasion plan not making much sense). +5

And finally...

La Tizz: She is well-cast as the sassy older sister in love for the first time, and does a kick-ass job in the role. She's endearingly vulnerable when the plot calls for it, but she is not going to put up with any crap - not from her brother, not from her boyfriend, and certainly not from aliens. Her comedic timing is spot-on, and her hair actually looks like it grew out of her head instead of being placed there by third-rate wigmakers! And speaking of kick-ass, after this movie, I want her as my plus-one in case of zombie apocalypse. +1 MILLION

TOTAL: 990,032. In other words: if you really love Ashley Tisdale, go see this movie! Otherwise, you're probably okay waiting for it to show up as a FOX Saturday Afternoon Movie.