The Long-Lost Sprouse Triplet!

I only heard of it recently, but I won't lie: I'm really looking forward to Disney's Lemonade Mouth, which I guess is basically The Breakfast Club meets Bandslam (but hopefully less hateful in the end). You should know by now that I'm all for groups of teen outcasts coming together to rock out and be friends! Hooray!

Anyway, I just ran across a post about the DCOM's leading lady, Hayley Kiyoko (right), who I know nothing about, but it sounds like she's pretty awesome. She's definitely completely adorable. Except I have to wonder, did they try really hard to make her look like the long-lost Sprouse sister? 'Cause she doesn't in 99% of Google images, and yet.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Uncanny!

I'm so starstruck. Where "starstruck" means "bored."

So... Starstruck.

What is there to say? Last night Jess, Rachel, and I ate some chocolates and watched the movie. I woke up this morning and could not tell you a single thing about it. Starstruck wasn't kill-it-with-fire bad, unlike some DCOMs I could name, but it wasn't charming or entertaining or, well, anything. It just sort of... was a thing that was on the screen for a while there.

Basically: Sterling Knight, who we usually love, gave an entirely phoned-in performance as pop sensation Christopher Wilde, who can't escape the paparazzi no matter where he goes. He's being considered for a movie role, but the director tells him he won't get it if he keeps getting his picture on magazine covers with his girlfriend, because, you know, the people who make movies really, really hate it when their stars get free publicity, I guess. Meanwhile, Danielle Campbell, doing her best impression of a young Vanessa Hudgens, plays Jessica Olsen: a small-town girl who, due to wacky hijinks, ends up spending a day with SK trying to duck the paparazzi.

Naturally they fall for each other, despite the facts that they have zero chemistry, Jessica is really unpleasant, and nothing that happens makes any sense. SK has to pretend he doesn't know her so he can get the movie role, then decides he'd rather be with the girl than be in the movie, she gives a nonsensical speech to the press, he shows up at the school dance, and our TiVo spontaneously killed itself from the boredom a few minutes before the end.

And now, the commentary.

--

Becky: The first unfortunate thing is that Starstruck is also a Lady Gaga song.

Rachel: The second unfortunate thing is Sterling Knight's singing.

--

Jess: Wait, so the popular sister is the frumpy one?

Becky: I don't think on purpose.

Jess: Okay, the lady paparazzo's name is Libby Lam. You need to write that down so I can use it for a kicky girl reporter later.

--

Jess: Under 21 club! That's where all the movie stars go.

Becky: Ohhhhh, Brandon Smith. Are you sad you're always someone's sidekick?

Becky: Chelsea Staub is a super low-rent Amanda Bynes.

Rachel: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

--

Jess: The thing that's wrong with this, though, is that girls who are THIS INTO A POP STAR aren't cool and popular. They're insane and everyone knows it. Those girls I knew in high school who covered their walls, ceiling, and floor with pictures of NSYNC? Not popular!

--

SK's Mom/Manager: You look like a street kid.

Rachel: He looks like a STREET KID? Because he's in a T-SHIRT?

Becky: THERE IS A GIANT POSTER OF HIS FACE IN HIS LIVING ROOM! IT'S LIKE EAST HIGH ALL OVER AGAIN!

Jess: Oh man, I hope every DCOM from now on has a giant poster of someone's face. IT WORKED IN HSM. YOU MUST HAVE ONE.

Jess: Why is the older sister so old? She's clearly in her mid 20s.

Older Sister: *babbles something about chatting and texting and blogging*

Jess: OMG! Chats and texts and blogs! Kids today!

--

Jess: Why are they back at the same club?

Becky: It's the only club in LA!

Rachel: Did the black sidekick just talk about "chillin'"?

Jess: I'm more interested in why they appear to live together.

SK to Nico from SWATC: ...You live in my house for free, eat all my food, drive my car...

Jess: SEE?!!!

Jess: Why so many Libbies in this movie? There are at least three.

Becky: Not that one girl. She's smart because she was reading a book.

--

SK performs while wearing a shirt and some pants and looking bored.

Jess: They aren't even trying to make him look like a pop star.

Rachel: What are you talking about, he's wearing sunglasses!

Jess: They never taught him that if you pull the mic away from your face while you're singing, it looks real fake.

Nico from SWaC joins him onstage, rapping.

Jess: So the paid best friend is also famous...?

Rachel: I think you mean "kept boy."

Jess: What an excellent singing performance by Sterling's pet robot.

--

Becky: Why do they keep going to this one club?

Jess: Under 21 clubs are totally cool, and you should go to Disney's coolest club, in Downtown Disney in Orlando, Florida! Tell your parents, kids!

--

Little Sister wanders around a completely deserted alley, then pukes for no reason.

Jess: Oh, she's in the deserted part of LA. ... I like her Laura Ashley dress. She's California Casual, just like Dawn Shafer.

Rachel: Why is the sidekick in highwater pants?

Jess: Why did she puke, exactly? Is she pregnant? That would be the best movie ever.

Rachel: Spoiler: she's not pregnant. But if she was, and Sterling had to marry her and pretend to be the father --

Jess: I would watch that SO HARD.

[hilarious shadow puppets and slap fighting]

--

Jess: SK and boring girl are wearing the same shade of lip gloss!

--

Jess: BWAHAHA, HIS NAME IS UP IN LIGHTS IN HIS ROOM. It would be so much better if he were playing this as Chad Dylan Cooper and not trying to be appealing.

--

Rachel: I wish the girl didn't have to be so virginal and deliver every line in that baby voice. Oh hi, I can't talk to boys if they aren't in my bible study group!

Jess: Are you gonna give me a promise ring? Otherwise I can't hold your hand!

--

Becky: This song has been going on for a really long, boring time.

Rachel: The girl agrees with you.

Jess: La la la, I have feelings and I sing high... if I sang low, I'd be threatening to 12-year-olds...

Rachel: But to be fair, he's more on key than Taylor Swift singing live.

Jess: I like his autotune. He keeps it in his pocket in case he needs it.

Rachel: Which he does.

[This song: How is it still going on??? The girl escapes to the garage, which is full of sports cars in eye-searingly bright primary colors.]

Jess: Are those Crayola cars? Or... what the Power Rangers drive?

[SK sings along with himself on the radio]

J, R, B in unison: NO NOT AGAIN.

Becky: Acting-wise, this girl is on about the same level as Hudge in the first HSM.

Jess: You mean eye-gougingly bad?

Becky: YES, EXACTLY.

--

SK and Little Sister push SK's car into Little Sister's empty garage. No, that's not a euphemism.

Jess: Why are they PUSHING the car? Why don't the parents have ANY cars?

Becky: What happened to the car they had earlier?!

Jess: Where'd he get that bucket hat, 1996??

--

Jess: Big Sister doesn't want to talk to Little Sister about why she (Big Sister) gets taken home by her celebrity crush's best friend after she (Little Sister) disappears? Okay. Also, I love how smug the older sister looks for no reason.

Rachel: I love her wide-eyed look of total crazy.

Becky: Little Sister is a mildly better actress when she's being bitchy.

Becky: Where did she run to? Why the close up of Little Sister just staring at nothing?

Jess: I like that they're wearing that matching look-what-gender-I-am hoodies.

Jess: Why does she hate her sister so much that she wouldn't even be like, "Please say hi to my sister"?

Rachel: Becky, if I ever meet Corbin Bleu, I'm not telling you.

--

SK and Little Sister run away from the beach to avoid the paparazzi.

Jess: Maybe he should buy an old, shitty car if he's sick of the paparazzi spotting him in nice ones. Also, do the paparazzi really helpfully drive around in giant, sinister black vans?

SK and Little Sister hide by pulling their shirts up over their noses.

Becky: "Where is Sterling Knight and that girl he's with? I just see a strange couple here with no bottom of their heads!"

Rachel: Are we about to have an "LA is awesome" montage? Because...LA isn't awesome.

--

Becky: They aren't trying at all with the acting.

Jess: She might be. Maybe she's just bad at it. ... Oh, her FACE. Nose scrunch of fake cuteness!

Becky: Uh, so, NO ONE in LA recognizes him, but the paparazzi stalk NO ONE ELSE? Gosh, I wonder if those photos will be a plot point later. Someone might find them! [Note from the future: Shockingly, they weren't. SK just moped over the slideshow of them he put on his laptop. Which is kind of even better.]

Jess: I hope it's her sister, who then STABS HER IN THE EYE.

--

SK and Little Sister get lost.

Rachel: It's not this hard to find the highway in LA!

Becky: Well, girls are bad navigators, and boys don't stop for directions!

Jess: I bet she wants to go buy shoes!

Becky: Are they stuck in quicksand? ... Oh my god, THEY ARE ACTUALLY STUCK IN QUICKSAND. I was joking.

The car is literally completely submerged.

Jess: Oh, it's just water. HOW DID HE DRIVE INTO THAT? THAT IS A LAKE.

Rachel: She didn't say to turn, and she's the navigator!

Jess: How is that the road?!!

SK: Dad, there's no signal, can you hear me?

Jess: Maybe if you'd put the phone by your mouth.

Little Sister: I'm going to beach where my sister is probably freaking out!!!

Jess: Not that you've cared for the past five hours!

--

[Some promo thing featuring Demi and the Jonii, um... doing fake old-school, Run DMC-style hip hop? And Nick implores us to keep it funky, and keep bouncing? And we don't hate it and find Demi adorable and the Jonii tolerable? WHAT IS HAPPENING, THE WORLD IS TOPSY TURVY. IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE HAVING A COLLECTIVE STROKE.]

--

Becky: Doesn't she have a right to be cranky? He did just drive her grandmother's car into a lake.

Jess: A very small, very deep lake.

--

Becky: ... wait, did she just say his black sidekick is his DRIVER???

Jess: WOW, is that inappropriate.

--

SK and Little Sister play in a lake. A clean one this time, not a hidden muddy car-eating one.

Becky: So since she was pissed, he dropped her in the lake...

Rachel: ...And now they're in love!

--

Jess: AUGH, his delivery.

Rachel: He's not even trying.

Jess: "Yeah this is fun, whatever, I'll say lines I guess..."

--

Jess: What's on his face?

Rachel: Eh, that's just his face.

--

Rachel: "I'm his driver! Or possibly his best friend, or possibly a rapper."

--

SK: "That was close!"

Rachel: "I almost acted!"

--

SK and Little Sister break up or something. LIKE TEN TIMES.

Jess: They've ended this scene, like, four times already.

Rachel: It's like the end of LotR. There are just going to be more hobbits on the bed. Also, if I hadn't seen SK in anything else, I'd think he was the worst actor ever.

Jess: And singer.

Rachel: I do think that, actually.

--

Becky: If he hates taking pictures, why did he just... walk up to those girls and take pictures?

--

Rachel: She's the only brunette in LA!

Rachel: Why would the paparazzi pay attention to the one crying girl? Isn't there always a crying girl around a pop star? And why does Sterling only know one chord?

Jess: And why did Big Sister just sit around at his table, in his house, and then just leave without waiting to see him or anything?

--

Rachel: Nice giant American flag, Boy Miley.

Jess: Is it man-hug time? Why is Nico from SWaC dressed for golf?

--

[Blonde girlfriend breaks up with him]

SK: ...O...kay...

Rachel: The first word he's delivered well!

[She walks out. Nico from SWaC looks triumphant.]

Jess: "She dumped you! We can finally be together!"

--

Becky: Why is NO ONE is upset by the destruction of the pink car???

--

Plot: Throws up all over the screen.

Becky: Sterling, if you were serious about being in a movie, you would NEVER try and get more exposure in the press!

Jess: How dare you look at girls?!! It's a movie about a gay guy! Go make out with your sidekick!!

Rachel: Also, she's not doing anything in the picture! He's not even in it! It's just a picture of a girl!

Jess: It's like if someone took a picture of us tonight and was like, "STERLING KNIGHT IN ORGY WITH THREE JEWS!"

Jess: Also, OH MY GOD, he is doing the RIGHT THING by telling them not to follow you around because do you really want the paparazzi STALKING YOU? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

--

Little Sister makes a tearful speech to the paparazzi about how horribly horrible they are for insinuating that SK dates girls.

Becky: Why are they there?!! What are you crying about??! WHAT IS GOING ON, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW ARE THEY TEARING HIM DOWN BY SAYING HE'S DATING A PERSON???

Rachel: Becky, he can't date a girl.

Jess: They have cooties. Also, way to totally confirm that you know him, Little Sister.

--

Becky: What... WHAT are Brandon Smith's pants?

Jess: They're leggings. Purple ones. Also, he's the only one TRYING to act.

--

Becky: Pausing to rant. Just FYI, because I'm the only one who's watched Another Cinderella Story all the way through (and fair enough), but there is TOTALLY A SCENE in that where Drew Seeley talks to his token black sidekick and then storms in to talk to his parental manager and fires her. And yeah, Drew Seeley? WAY BETTER fake pop star than Sterling Knight.

Jess: Because he's a fake pop star in real life.

--

Becky: "Come to the dance with me. I've been horrible to you and you keep ditching me and leaving me places, and also didn't help me meet the guy I'm in love with who you spent all that time with, but it's totally cool because we're sisters!"

Little Sister: "You're a good sister."
Big Sister: "Aww. Pretend you don't know me."

Us: HA.

--

Becky: Oh godddd, he's going to sing again. SK, you need to Christian Bale this shit right off your resume.

Jess: Couldn't he have just, like, held up a boombox or something?

[And then the TiVo cut the damn thing off for no reason!]

Becky: Okay. Well... let's make up an ending.

Rachel: She slaps him and is like, "Don't use my high school dance as your forum."

Jess: And he goes back to Hollywood and cries. Then he makes out with his best friend. The end.

--

So in conclusion... That was a waste of our time. When we tune in to DCOMs, we expect crazy capers and wacky hijinks, not to be bored to death. We don't watch DCOMs for quality (it's an occasional bonus), we watch to be entertained. Starstruck wasn't outright terrible, but it committed the cardinal sin of boring the crap out of us.

Not to mention that it was a little bit infuriating that SK seems to have just decided not to act throughout it. He was never going to make a great fake pop star -- he's a decent actor, but not a singer or dancer -- but he's almost always charming. Here, it seems like he didn't even try. (Seriously, dude, you are too good for this, talent-wise, but you're not famous enough to just phone it in.)

On the other hand, both of the sisters were just dreadful. SK wasn't trying; they were, we assume, but they were just bad at their jobs.

Overall, the only thing about this that was actually at all enjoyable, or good? Brandon Smith. He's consistently amusing on Sonny With a Chance, and was both entertaining and actually decent at acting in his few scenes in here. Disney, get this kid his own DCOM where he doesn't have to be someone's sidekick, please.

Zac Efron and Sterling Knight: Like Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, In a Way

I've been avoiding talking about Starstruck, the Sterling DCOM, because it looks... well, pretty bad. And because it has introduced us to Disney's sad, sad attempt to create Sterling Knight: Pop Star, and that is not a good idea. He's darling, and he can sort of play guitar and sing, but he plays guitar and sings in the way the cute guy in your freshman year lit class who invites you to see him at a coffeehouse does. It's sweet and he means well, but honey, no.

Basically, in all honesty, I think Sterling can do better. (Brandon Smith, on the other hands, seems to be a perfect fit for a DCOM and I'd love to see him as the lead, rather than the sidekick, but that's neither here nor there.) But of course I am going to watch Starstruck.

And if it turns out to be unwatchable, I'll just watch this on repeat for two hours instead:

"This kid, Zac Efron... Curse you!"

The Wizards Movie: Who Knew?

So. Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie. Here are four short words I never thought I'd find myself typing, unqualified and unironically, in a review of a DCOM -- let alone a DCOM based on one of Disney's kidcoms:

It was pretty good.

Not "it was an infuriating waste of my time, or "cute cast, terrible movie," or even "it was enjoyably bad."

It was pretty good! Like, actually good in the way that you want a movie to be!


The two-second summary: Alex and her mother are fighting non-stop during their family vacation, and Alex makes a thoughtless, angry wish that her parents had never met. Of course it comes true, and now she, Justin, and Max only have two days to get find the Stone of Dreams, a magical artifact that can grant (or in this case, reverse) any wish.

Basically, this movie is what would happen if you threw Goonies, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Back to the Future, and It's a Wonderful Life into a blender: treasure maps, mysterious booby traps, characters who disappear because history has been altered, and a revelation of just how good life really is. But, while the action adventure sequences are fine (unlike the regular series, the effects aren't laughably bad; but they're nothing to write home about, either), what ultimately sets it apart as probably the best DCOM I can think of is the fact that it's a well constructed story. There's only one movie in the movie (something DCOMs aren't alone in screwing up; a lot of recent tween and teen movies have tried to shoehorn two, three, or in some cases seven plots into one movie, *cough*CampRock*cough*). There are some bits that don't really make sense (they make the rule that the kids will forget things, but for most of the movie, only Max does, and then he disappears; Justin forgets things all at once, two seconds before he disappears) or were never followed through with (what exactly had Giselle the parrot done to earn her punishment, and why did the street magician guy go off with her at the end, after she'd been so horrible to him?).

But the plot was smooth enough that it didn't take away from the actual important part: the interpersonal relationships.

Whoa, I never thought I would type that about a DCOM, either. But it's true!

The movie does several things well at the character level: for one thing, you can see how the kids get their personalities from their parents, in an "I learned by watching you!" sort of way. The most obvious example is Max, when he's hanging out with his now-single, still-magic-possessing father. Generally, Max is an immature joker -- and now we see, so's his dad! And without hammering the point too hard, Max learns what a pain that can be to deal with by spending time with his dad.

Better still, the kids (especially Alex) relate to their parents the way actual teenagers do. Every fight Alex had with her mom impressed me, because they didn't seem at all contrived; yeah, magic, whatever, but other than that, they were fights that a lot of teenage girls do have with their mothers.

But, because I am a sucker for such things (and because, let's face it, Selena and D-Hen are the best things about the show), it was the surprisingly depth to the relationship between Alex and Justin that got me and knocked the movie up from "fine" to "pretty good" territory. In the regular series, we see that Alex is a slacker who's perfectly good at magic, but doesn't care enough to try. And we see Justin is a neurotic nerd. And we know that they don't generally get along. It turns out, all of these things have motivations! Justin is desperate for his parents' approval, and thinks that being super-smart is the only way he can earn it. Alex sees that his parents do approve of that, but thinks that she can never live up to his example, so she refuses to even try. Justin is sick of getting in trouble because of Alex. Alex is sick of Justin being a know-it-all. They fight because of all of these things, and through the course of the movie, they gain empathy for one another, they make it clear that beneath it all, they really care about each other, and it's kind of. Um. Touching. And not in a bad-touch way.

You guys, a DCOM had character depth in a way that made sense and drove the plot along and made me care about things! What madness is this? And if Disney can actually find competent people to write and direct things, why don't they do it more often????

Look: the movie wasn't perfect. When I said it seemed like someone had stuck those four movies in a blender, I wasn't joking; there's leaning heavily on movie tradition, and then there's borderline plagiarism, and this movie is much closer to the latter. Nothing about it was especially original, or strikingly brilliant. But (given the source material, and the quality of basically all other DCOMs), it was better than it had any right to be, and even removing the context of the Wizards series and the tradition of DCOMs making no sense, you're left, well… A movie that was pretty good.

Princess Protection Program (Warning: exclamation points abound!)

So. The Princess Protection Program. How to describe this movie? Hmmm. Let's try this: the best thing about this movie is Demi Lovato's acting. Wow. But, to be fair, if you don't care about things like how monarchies function, or international relations, or government agencies, or basically anything remotely resembling the actuality of princesses (or, you know, plot) it's actually quite enjoyable! Once you accept that nothing makes any sense and just go with it, it's a sort of charming tale of the surprisingly likeable girls developing a friendship. And I actually kind of enjoyed it.

Okay, so here goes. We tune in on, miraculously, not the last day of school, but rather on Selena Gomez and her Creepy Pageant Baby Face, working at a bait shop in the Louisiana Bayou. She gives away some free bait to a guy named Donny, who I will be referring to as McDoucherson, because he is a ginormous douche. This is made apparent immediately: Selena gives him the bait because a) she is Totes In Love with him, but also because b) he agreed to give her a ride to school. Even though he doesn't know her name (it's Carter, because she's a tom boy, and tom boys always have boy names, see?). But McDoucherson's girlfriend, a bitchy Asian girl named Chelsea (no, really, Disney, you aren't subverting stereotypes by making every Asian character a villain) has her dress in McDoucherson's car, and won't move it to give Selena room, and McDoucherson shrugs and drives off EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD A DEAL. So they (along with Chelsea's nervous sidekick) speed off, and Selena calls them spoiled princesses, which is a wacky bit of foreshadowing because gosh! Soon she's going to have to deal with a real princess! Clever! Or, wait, the other thing, where it isn't clever, just awkward dialogue.

Anyway. Selena's dad has to go out on a mysterious mission for two days. He promises "it's a routine op" and he'll be fine.

MEANWHILE! In the small country of Costa Luna, Princess Demi Lovato is practicing for her coronation in a month. While she chatters with her swishy gay sidekick/dress designer Mr. Elagante, her mom exposits that since her husband passed away, only Demi can become queen of Costa Luna, or, as I will call it henceforth (based on the accents of everyone who appears in this scene), Fakeonia. So Demi might get in trouble, and someone named General Kane might try and attack her, but (gasp!) Selana's dad is there to protect her!

You know, because really, you hire the most body guards for the practice coronation, a month before the real event. But I guess that is when trouble happens, because right as a helpful old man in generic religious garb goes to place the tiara on Demi's head, gasp! The general shows up! And he throws a sword through the tiara and starts a food fight! That means he is totes the dictator now, and so Selana's dad grabs Demi and drags her off, because surely an American soldier kidnapping the princess of a sovereign nation won't be any kind of international incident. (Meanwhile, Mr. Elegante is dragged off by soldiers, and smirks a little bit, which is so very inappropriate, Disney Channel.) And even though Demi and Selena's dad take, like, 15 minutes to leave, and walk right in front of some enemy soldiers without anyone bothering them or trying to stop their helicopter from taking off, for some reason Demi's mom has to stay behind. But the general doesn't kill her (or even, as far as we see, imprison her -- he makes reference to it, but every time she shows up she's wearing a ball gown with her hair done, so that's some special prison Kane has, I guess). Because that's totally not something you want to do when you overthrow a country.

Note to self: start working on that "Become Empress of Everything" plan a bit more seriously, because you are smarter than this villain, and apparently, no one will try to stop you. Not as long as you throw chocolate sauce on people, anyway, I guess.

Here's the weird thing, though; Demi actually kind of pulls of scared and sad but still dignified and trying to hold her shit together in this scene. Which isn't "generically happy" and thus much more complex than anything she has ever conveyed before. Go, Demi?

So Selena's dad takes Demi to a top-secret facility, which is the headquarters of the Princess Protection Program, where they do nothing but hide exiled princesses. (Apparently, there are 29 princesses currently being protected, because this whole "throw your sword through a tiara and stage a coup" thing is pretty common, I guess. And there are, like, 15 princesses wandering around trying on new clothes and such in the background.) They give Demi a makeover so she'll look like a normal girl, which involves trimming her bangs a little and unbraiding her hair.

This is also the scene where it becomes clear that whoever wrote the movie confused "regal" with "robotic" dialogue, because Demi isn't allowed to use any contractions. Her delivery is dead flat most of the time, but that's at least as much the dialogue's fault as it is hers, but it makes her sound more like Summer Glau Terminator character than anything else. Anyway, they send her off with Selena's dad to go into hiding… Disguised as Selena's cousin! Wacky!

Back on the bayou, Selena chatters with her bus driver, who's the prostitute from My Name Is Earl, which is mildly disconcerting. She and Demi run into each other and it's wacky hijinks! Selena doesn't want to share her room! Demi is afraid of lizards! Selena's a tom boy! Demi wears dresses! It's like the odd couple, but really stupid!

So without bothering to enroll or anything, Demi now goes to Selena's school. They get off the bus and meet Zach from Sky High, who continues with his traditional role of being That Kind of Tall Guy, who is, for some reason, filming Selena (and I guess some other girls) because of homecoming? Okay. McDoucherson is a douche to Demi until he discerns that she's hot, and Demi sticks out like a sore thumb because she speaks French in French class. (Fair enough; I took high school French and never actually learned a word. On the other hand, even I can tell that her accent is terrible.) But for all people are totally mean to her because she does crazy things like use a napkin and a fork when she eats her hamburger, the dudes all think she's hot, so Chelsea decides she is competition that must be taken down. Some teacher announces that it's time to nominate girls for Homecoming Queen, to narrow it down to three -- the Princesses, if you will, GET IT??? -- with the final winner announced at the dance. Demi totally humiliates Selena by nominating her, not realizing that she's a tom boy, and everyone laughs. Because tom boys don't like dresses so they can't be Homecoming Princess because that would be ridiculous! Next thing you know, basketball players will be singing, or baking! Smart girls will pop'n'lock! Stoners will play the cello! Flamey drama boys will play baseball! Okay, I'll stop.

Demi remains plucky and upbeat even though Selena dislikes her; Selena agrees to try and be nice to her for her dad's sake. But Selena plays a mean trick on her by making her, um, count worms. So basically, Selena is playing the same character she always plays -- bitchy -- and Demi is… Again, surprisingly decent. It's a variant on her standard "look how nice I am! Please like me!" girl, but with a bit more, I can't believe I'm typing this, depth. And she's kind of… empathetic. And if you squint hard enough, you can see both characters' motivations. Demi and Selena play off each other pretty well. I kind of, like… Almost care about them and stuff. Girls fighting but then banding together to help each other out and becoming BFFs! It warms my cold, dead heart! Even though it's ludicrously bad.

Anyway, Demi and Selena finally make peace, so Selena takes Demi bowling. At the bowling alley, Zach from Sky High is adorable and tall, and McDoucherson is a douche. Demi turns out to be great at bowling, and all the boys think she's hot, and Selena is frustrated because her dad and McDoucherson and Zach from Sky High all suddenly like Demi best. But of course, and all the girls hate Demi because the boys like her (because girls only care about what boys think and consider one another strictly in terms of competition, you see) so they decide to prank her so she'll be humiliated and no one will vote for her for Homecoming Princess. Naturally, they start by pretending to be her friend (because girls are mean and scheming and are never actually really friends with each other; on a related note I AM SO FULL OF HATE FROM THIS PART OF THE PLOT. Well, "plot." WHATEVER, HATE.).

When Selena angrily tells Demi she should go get a job, Demi does so. Chelsea gets Demi hired at her father's frozen yogurt restaurant, where she is immediately put on duty, as the only one working, and she's never been trained, and OH MY GOD HAS NO ONE AT DISNEY EVER WORKED A JOB OF ANY KIND, EVER? Chelsea calls everyone to laugh at her and has some dude sabotage the machine, so the customers are mad and there's frozen yogurt everywhere! Heck, you could overthrow a small country that way! Selena comes to save the day, but not before Demi is humiliated, and Demi's moment of wounded dignity is actually… Surprisingly good (I know I keep saying that, but I keep being surprised). But the plan has backfired, because everyone thought Demi was pretty cool about the whole thing, so Chelsea starts scheming again.

Meanwhile, in Fakeonia! The General has an evil scheme to marry Demi's mom, but not for real, just to make sure Demi finds out about it. See, that'll lure Demi back into the country, so the General can then, um, exile her. Awesome plan, dude.

At school the next day, the three princesses are announced: Chelsea, Demi, and Selena! Because, see, Chelsea's plan backfired again! She told everyone to vote for Selena, not Demi, but instead they voted for Selena and Demi! ZOMG! And then McDoucherson asks out Demi. And, in a pretty awesome moment, she shuts him down flat. ("Oh. It is very kind of you to ask. But no. Excuse me.")

Selena is sad because McDoucherson doesn't like her, so Demi decides to make her feel like a princess by having her… Volunteer to read to children? Um, sure. Oh, and then they go on a wacky shopping trip! I liked this sequence better when it was in A Cinderella Story, but eventually they find perfect dresses for themselves. But at this point, Chelsea's nervous sidekick runs across a Spanish-language magazine with Demi on the cover, for some reason. And she immediately figures out that Demi is a princess! Like, she immediately figures it out without opening the magazine or reading the article or anything. Meanwhile, Selena's dad finds out about the General's evil plan, and Chelsea bosses around some nerdy girl we've never seen before. Nervous sidekick tells her about Demi. Chelsea then goes to blackmail Demi, but instead, just throws their dresses on some gravel. OH NOES, NOT GRAVEL! I mean, to be fair, there's a mud puddle, too, but on the other hand, they are on the freaking bayou and there is an enormous, muddy, algae-covered lake two feet away. The upshot is, how will Demi and Selena go to the dance if there is gravel on their dresses???

Somewhere around here, Demi finds out about her mother's fake marriage, and wants to go back to Fakeonia, but Selena makes her promise to stay through homecoming and hatches a wacky scheme. It mostly seems to involve calling Mr. Elegante and having him make them new dresses, and then giving makeovers to the various nerdy girls who've been wandering around in the background.

And then comes homecoming. Selena's big plan involves everyone wearing masks, except for when they're not, which is about 90% of the time. And so a long line of now-pretty, made-over nerdy girls walk past the boys, who of course are so captivated that no one notices when Chelsea's dress gets caught in a car and she starts screaming and her dress rips and she falls on the ground, LOL! (See, it's funny because boys only care about hot girls, and will totally ignore everything else when they see one, get it?) Inside, Selena dances with some freshman and McDoucherson walks over to her and asks her out. She shuts him down, because hey! He's a total douche! She points out to him that he only is asking her out because she's hot all dressed up -- but she's still the same tom boy she always was, and she's proud of who she is, and she deserves better than someone who can't even remember her name. I mean this non-sarcastically: It is AWESOME. And of course, in the bathroom, Chelsea continues her slow descent into madness, as her nervous sidekick finally ditches her. Chelsea runs outside and smack into, gasp, the general! He heads inside and kidnaps a now-re-bemasked Selena, mistaking her for Demi; thirty seconds later, Demi wins Homecoming Queen and goes up on stage. Good thing that dude doesn't look back, I guess. Also a good thing that everyone at the school was down with voting for a girl who doesn't even go there.

Demi gives a speech, with the camera right up her nose, but Selena is too busy being kidnapped to listen. Realizing Selena has vanished, Demi goes searching, but is interrupted by Chelsea, who freaks out and demands the homecoming crown, then falls in a pool. As you do when you're the villainess in a DCOM, I guess. Demi sees Selena and runs up to stop her, the general grabs Demi instead, and opens the door to his helicopter. But Selena's dad jumps out and accuses him of kidnapping! It's a sting! Except then he lectures Selena about doing something super dangerous, even though he had to have been in on it, so… huh? It's kind of the least climactic ending ever; no one actually gets kidnapped or even especially menaced, no one gets shot, and the villain goes without putting up a fight. Demi gives the crown to Selena, but a bedraggled Chelsea runs over and demands it. Selena laughs it off, because… Wacky!

And then, back in Fakeonia, everyone is happy and Demi is crowned. The end. So, in conclusion: it turns out princesses aren't just spoiled and superficial after all! They're actually nice and generous and hard working, and totally deserving of your love and respect! But if someone calls you a princess, it's totally an insult.

In closing, have Demi and Selena's music video. At your own risk, though. I am much more favorably disposed towards them as actresses than I was before watching the movie,* but that good will doesn't extend to their singing.

* Well, mostly towards Demi; I already enjoyed Selena quite a bit.

Image source.

Floss!

Warning: Spoilers below!

Here at Tweenage, we love Emily Osment, Phil Lewis, Jason Earles, and David Henrie (and can theoretically tolerate Moises Arias when he’s not playing the despicable Rico on Hannah Montana), so we were very excited about Dadnapped. We shouldn’t have been.

Dadnapped is about a girl (Emily) whose horrible father is a hugely famous writer, best known for a series of books about a teen James Bond character named Trip Zoome. Yeah, I know. This wasn’t terribly clear in the movie, but apparently the horrible father used to be a dentist? And Trip…is also one? Maybe? So his catchphrase is “Floss!” which…is idiotic.

Anyway, Emily and her (divorced) horrible dad are going off on a camping trip that Emily has been stoked for for weeks, but in Horrible Dad’s life, Trip comes first, so they have to stop at a Trip Zoome convention before the camping can begin. Horrible Dad brings a life-sized cardboard cutout of Trip on the trip (ha!) with them (and are these movies, too? Who is this boy who is the face of Trip Zoome? It’s not clear), and Emily is so frustrated with Trip’s place in her father’s heart that she has conversations with the cardboard cutout, which becomes sassier and less tied to its cardboard identity as the movie goes on. I actually thought this was a really interesting, ambitious concept, but everyone else in the room hated it (I’m also the only one who liked the movie’s title). It’s okay. There’ll be plenty of things we all agreed to hate together later.

So there’s this contest at the convention: whoever creates a Trip gadget with the most accuracy wins a cameo in the next Trip book. This is basically an excuse for all the lunatics at the convention to engage in a lot of insane slapstick stunts while Emily rolls her eyes. Man, people who read are so weird and nerdy! But the people who take it way too far are David Henrie, his little brother Moises, and their wacky black friend who doesn’t do anything, because that is how DCOMs roll. They actually kidnap Horrible Dad, which is a problem for Phil Lewis and his inexplicably white brother, the Poor Man’s Janitor from Scrubs, because they also want to kidnap Horrible Dad.

Emily takes off to rescue Horrible Dad with the help of Jason Earles, the hotel manager, and let me just say, Disney, that if you want to maintain the illusion that Jason Earles is a teenager and not 30something so that he can keep playing Jackson on Hannah Montana, you can’t also use him in movies where he plays a grownup. Like, we were all aware watching this movie that the man is not seventeen and is in fact old as the hills, but it was still unsettling. It’s gonna weird kids out.

So Emily and Jason Earles, and Phil Lewis and the PMJFS, are trailing D-Hen, Moises, and Wacky Black Friend, while Horrible Dad tries to convince them to let him go back to the con. They refuse, because they think that the more they torture Horrible Dad, the more likely he is to put them in his book. There is something wrong with their brains. Then he points out that all the Trip Zoome books they’re using as reference are overdue library books, and they are shocked - shocked! - to discover that library books can be overdue and they can charge you fines. Even though at least D-Hen is, like, 17. And wouldn’t diehard Trip fans own the books, anyway?

So they rush off to the library to return the books (oh noes, a nickel-a-day fine, their kryptonite!), and Horrible Dad decides to show them a Trip trick instead of, you know, returning to the convention or assuring his daughter that he’s all right. They cut out the inside of a book (because libraries want you to pay fines for late books, but they’re totally cool with you destroying the books inside the library) and place a mousetrap (no, I don’t know where they got it from) inside it, rigged with some blue goo, with Horrible Dad explaining that the next librarian who opens it will get a nasty surprise. It was at this point that Becky’s sister Rachel reminded us that librarians and dentists have been feuding for centuries, so this totally made sense.

Emily enters the library, sees them putting the book on the shelf and then hiding (because they apparently believe that out of all of the books in the entire library, a librarian will chose that one to open right away), and rather than go get her stupid dad and return to the convention, she decides to open the book – and gets a faceful of blue goo. Horrible Dad laughs his ass off, because he’s horrible. It’s cool, though, the minute she walks out of the library the goo is gone.

Horrible Dad follows her out, and this is where Phil Lewis and the PMJFS make their play, forcing Horrible Dad into their van by threatening him with a stapler. Seriously, a stapler. Emily, loath to lose her dad again, sticks her wrist in the cuffs they’re putting on him, handcuffing them together. (Which hand is handcuffed to which, whether they’re handcuffed together or separately, and whether they’re handcuffed at all will not be remotely consistent for the rest of the movie. Just FYI.) Then they both get into the van, despite the fact that their kidnappers can do no more than yell “Get in the van!” and wave a stapler at them.

Phil Lewis and the PMJFS’s brilliant plan? The PMJFS has written a terrible book, and they want Horrible Dad to edit/ghost write it. At gunstaplerpoint. Yes. I’ll just let you mull over that stupidity for a moment.

Meanwhile, D-Hen, Moises, and Wacky Black Friend try to rescue them, but their van breaks, I forget why. But Emily leaves a clue for them in a gas station restroom – a page from a Trip Zoome book, with the word “presidential” circled in lip gloss. They’re going back to the hotel, where they’re staying in the Presidential Suite. Because the best place to hide a famous author is in a hotel hosting a convention of his fans. Yep.

As they travel around with their incompetent kidnappers, Emily and Horrible Dad have it out. She asks why he’s never put her in any of his books, which is the wrong question to ask, but whatever (try “Why don’t you ever have time for me?” or “Why is your career more important than your own daughter?” or “How can you possibly be so horrible, Horrible Dad?”). He tells her that the characters in his books are nothing like her – they’re dynamic, accomplished, interesting people. He actually says this! And doesn’t know why she starts crying! Then he’s pretty much shocked that she knows how to read. So horrible, Horrible Dad! Emily accuses him of not knowing anything about her, yelling at him that he doesn't even know she won a local writing contest. He gets all proud and asks her, "You like writing? You won a contest?" but, crying angrily, she says, "Two years in a row, Dad." An actual well-written, well-acted emotional moment! Good job, Ems!

It turns out that Jason Earles is part of this whole plan. Shocker! (Not really.) Also, his private suite is pretty much the gayest Disney Channel living quarters since Cody moved into the closet on The Suite Life. Shocker! (Still not really.) He doesn’t give a shit about the PMJFS’s book, of course; he just wants a manuscript by Horrible Dad that he can market as Horrible Dad’s last book – after he kills Horrible Dad. Of course, it would make much more sense to simply steal the next Trip Zoome manuscript, but this is the Disney Channel.

Somehow, possibly through telepathy, Emily has conveyed some Triptastic (yes, they use that word) plot to D-Hen that involves…all of the fans dressing up weird and filling squirt guns with goo? Jason locks her in the bathroom, so she uses various bathroom supplies to write a giant Z on the shower curtain and hangs it out the window, which is somehow the signal, even though she didn’t know she’d be locked in the bathroom. The fans start yelling, and when Jason sticks his head out the window, they all shoot him with the most powerful squirt guns in the world and cover him with goo.

Of course, this means that the kidnappers have to flee the hotel, because goo! They grab Horrible Dad and Emily, but every time they try to exit, fans squirt them with more goo! Including Horrible Dad and Emily, because the fans aren’t terribly discriminating! Finally, Jason has been squirted with so much goo that he gives up. No, I don’t understand it either.

Also, somewhere in here Horrible Dad tells Emily that Trip Zoome is based on her. Even though he already explicitly stated that she is not in his books because she is boring to him. NO, I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER.

Back at the convention, Horrible Dad awards D-Hen, Moises, and Wacky Black Friend the prize. D-Hen and Emily exchange numbers, and Emily and Horrible Dad head off to go camping. Hooray!

I read a lot about good production values on this movie, and you know, they were pretty good. And the acting wasn’t bad, especially since they cherry-picked almost all of the better actors of their flagship shows. And the basic premise of "bad father learns to be less bad, and gets to know his daughter via wacky hijinks" is pretty solid. But it fell down in execution pretty badly. Nothing could save the utterly brain-numbing nonsense of the plot, not even Emily Osment’s kicky red coat and frequent eye-rolling.

So in conclusion: D-Hen and Emily, it’s a good thing you’re cute.

Image from the superlative Emily Osment World.

Camp Rock Night: A Night of Pain

Starring your bloggers, Jess and Becky, with special guest star Becky's Sister Rachel.

Did you watch Camp Rock? We did!

Do you bitterly regret it? We do!

The plot, such as it is: Demi Lovato rilly rilly wants to go to Camp Rock, but her parents can’t afford it – until her mother takes a job working as the chef there, yays! Meanwhile, “rock star” Shane Gray, a.k.a. Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, is…teaching classes at the camp? Which he used to attend? To clean up his “bad boy” image that he earned doing unspecified bad things? Whatever. Even though Alyson Stoner is ready to have gay sex with Demi the minute she walks into the camp, Demi wants to be accepted by the popular kids, consisting of a blond alpha bitch and her HaraGossip Girls, so she lies and tells them her mother is a bigshot music exec in China. Also, PGL hears her singing and falls in love with her voice, but can’t find her anywhere! Oh noes!

Demi doesn’t put up with PGL’s shit and he finds that refreshing and they fall in love, or something. There’s also a scene where she covers her face in flour to disguise herself, and it’s never made clear whether he knows it’s her or not. It’s really, really stupid. Blondie finds out the truth about Demi’s mom and reveals it to the camp, and frames her for stealing Blondie’s charm bracelet, which seems like overkill to me, but whatever. It does get Demi banned from the big end-of-summer performance competition. One of Blondie’s sidekicks tells Blondie to go fuck herself and then wins the competition, and then Demi performs her Big Song, and PGL forgives her for lying about being rich and they hold hands. The end!

7:54 Becky has already screamed "Oh my God I hate you" at Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, and the movie hasn't even started yet.

7:58 A preview for Camp Rock plays, just in case you somehow didn't know what was going to be on now.

Rachel: Now I know the whole movie.

7:59 The CR kids are sitting around in a room. A Jonas is playing the bongos.

Rachel: Bongos? Really? The bongos?

Jess: What is on Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas's head?

Becky: A cockatoo?

8:00 We open with an establishing shot of a beautiful suburban house.

Becky: Isn't that the house where Troy lives?

Demi wakes up, smiles with all eight million of her teeth, puts on a CD, and jumps around.

Rachel: Who still makes mix CDs? Who doesn't just download mp3s? Oh, I guess Miss Perky Pajama Pants doesn't.

Jess: She's not as endearing as she's trying so hard to be.

Becky: But she's genuine. You can tell because she's a brunette.

8:02 PETER GALLAGHER-LOOKING JONAS'S NAME IS SHANE GRAY?

Rachel: Hee hee hee! Look at the moody Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

8:03 Demi wants to go to Camp Rock.

Mom: We just can't swing it right now.

Becky: Really? Because I saw the exterior of your house.

Rachel: But they're just renting it from the Boltons.

Demi: Gotta go, last day of school.

Rachel: Why it always the motherfucking last day of school?

8:05 Demi goes to school for no reason and hangs out with her friend, Worst Friend Ever.
Worst Friend Ever: *is the worst friend ever*

8:06 The mom is the cook for Camp Rock now, so Demi's going to Camp Rock!

Becky: Wouldn't they have known about this MONTHS in advance?

Rachel: What ninth or tenth grader wouldn't be mortified by having her mom be a chef at the rock and roll camp she wants to go to?

Now we're at Camp Rock. Surprise!

Becky: Why did that kid just do a backflip?

Jess: Children are gyrating. I find it disconcerting.

8:09 We meet the camp director. He's Australian, so we'll call him Oz.

Oz: I'm a former member of the [band name we don’t quite catch].

Jess: The WHITE Crows?

Rachel: The WET Crows?

Oz: *pretends to be important*

Mom: You know Aerosmith?

Rachel: He doesn't know Aerosmith! He doesn't know ANYONE! Well, he might know the Jonas Brothers. Do not sleep with him.

Demi bumps into the villain of the piece.

Evil Blonde Girl: *is evil*

Becky: You, madam, are no Sharpay Evans.

Adorable Alyson Stoner shows up. Usually we love her, but she's terrible in this movie, I guess to make everyone else feel better. She's a dancer, so they decided to showcase her skills by making her…a music producer.

Alyson: (on Blondie) She's the diva of Camp Rock.

Jess: "And I'm clearly the eclectic outsider!"

Rachel: How is there only one diva at a performing arts camp?

8:12 A way-too-excited woman introduces herself as…Dia La Duke, I’m pretty sure. Some boys appear out of nowhere and start dancing.

Becky: Oh, I get it! It's a crack hallucination!

Rachel: Those shorts certainly are.

8:13 They’re making PGL Jonas teach at camp, for some reason.

PGL: I don't want to spend my summer at some stupid camp! I'm SHANE GRAY, for crying out loud!

Rachel: Never have eyebrows emoted so hard.

Extra: This is where Connect Three connected.

That line: *was amazing*

Extra: Oh, and can you make me a birdhouse or something?

Jess: Is he stoned?

Rachel: He's totally stoned!

Jess: He's my new favorite!

8:18 Demi is snubbed by Blondie and her friends.

Becky: So she's sad because she doesn't get to be a snotty bitch?

Rachel: No, she has to go play piano alone in a room somewhere, so PGL can overhear her and spend the whole summer being like "BUT WHO?"

8:19 Extra and Adopted Jonas drop PGL off at camp.

Jess: They left? They just left him?

Rachel: They hate him too!

8:21 Demi goes to play piano alone in a room somewhere. PGL overhears her.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh till they cry*

8:23 Some random girl sings a song at one of Camp Rock’s nightly impromptu performances. It’s terrible.

Jess: Film rant time! If you open the movie with a non-diagetic musical number, the diagetic ones that follow will all look like drug trips. Although I supposed these outfits don't help that.

8:25 Plot: *craps itself all over the screen*

Here follows a ten minute discussion of how Disney doesn't understand class issues. Basically people whose father owns a hardware store and whose mother runs her own catering business and who live in a beautiful suburban mini-mansion are not tragically poor, and even if they were, no one would react the way they do in this movie.

8:27 Ashley from Hannah Montana is basically continuing to play Ashley from Hannah Montana, except this version can sing (for definitions of “can sing” that mean “cannot sing”). Why won’t Disney let Asian girls be smart? Do they think they are fighting prejudice this way or something?

Mom: Can you believe none of these cookbooks have recipe for chili for 300?

Rachel: You don't know how to make chili?

Jess: You don't know how to multiply?

Becky: You're a caterer and you've never cooked for a large crowd before?

8:29 Jess: WHY IS EVERYONE SO GREASY?

8:30 Blondie’s mommy doesn’t love her.

Jess and Becky: Awww.

Don’t worry. We still don’t like her. Also…

Jess: What the fuck kind of bunk has glass windows and throw rugs?

8:32 Rachel: I hate this movie.

Jess: What happened to the Jonas who was abandoned in the woods? Has he been eaten by a bear?

Rachel: He's still in that room yelling "BUT WHO?"

8:33 Rachel: Okay, Alyson Stoner has a thing for Demi, right?

Becky and Jess: Yes.

Alyson: So your music - is it any good?

Rachel: "I love you."

Alyson: So I'll see you around.

Rachel: "I love you."

8:34 PGL Jonas is cruelly awoken by Oz, who tells him he has a class to teach in five minutes.

Jess: Ugh, the Jonas is in his underwear.

Oz throws water on PGL.

Rachel: Ugh, now the Jonas is wet and in his underwear.

8:36 Oz: Don't argue with finger.

Your Reviewers: WHAT?

Becky: I liked this scene better when it was in Sister Act.

8:38 Demi has her OH MY GOD SHE’S SO TALENTED WE HAD NO IDEA LOL moment. (She isn’t, actually, that talented.)

Becky: She sings like Miley acts in the first season of Hannah Montana, where no one told her there was a difference between acting and yelling.

Jess: This scene has killed me. I'm dead now.

8:39 Demi is “working” (for the same definition of “work” employed (ha!) by the HSM kids) in the kitchen. PGL walks in.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh for ten minutes*

Demi: *covers her face with flour for NO GODDAMN REASON*

PGL: *yells at her about his very important food allergies*

Rachel: He's not gonna recognize her later because she's not going to be covered in flour. I just want to make sure you guys know that.

Becky: Also, he has very important food allergies.

Jess: There's nothing manlier than important food allergies.

Becky: And tight white jeans.

Rachel: Well, you could probably fit a finger in there.

Jess: Why would you say that to us? People you supposedly like?

8:44 PGL heads off to teach his class.

Rachel: Wasn't his class ages ago? Days ago?

8:45 The “class” begins.

Rachel: Bring back stoned Jonas! I want to know more about the birdhouse.

PGL’s Pants: *make Your Reviewers cover their eyes*

8:46 Becky: Okay, they painted those pants onto him, and it's not okay. Those aren't even jeans. They're leggings with pockets.

Jess: PGL can't dance. Why are they doing this horrible routine?

PGL: *is suddenly so gay for some drumming kid, what the hell*

8:50 Mom: *apparently wants Demi to date girls, okay*

8:52 Rachel: Blondie is the extremely low, low rent Amanda Bynes.

8:55 Girls: *throw spaghetti at each other for no reason*

Rachel: No one has any sauce for this spaghetti. They should complain to the caterer.

Oz: *uses the Finger*

Jess: Is he going to make the three of them spend the rest of the summer in the isolation cabin and then they're going to discover that they're twins?

8:57 PGL sings a stupid song to Demi.

Becky: Full of hate full of hate full of hate full of hate…

Jess: Who is singing backup with him? Are they on the lake?

Becky: The other Jonii are naiads!

Jess: I want them to paddle by in kayaks, singing.

Rachel: Okay, but this makes no sense, because the scene before was totally incoherent. She was like "That's good," and he was like "WHAT THAN MY STUPID COOKIE-CUTTER POP MUSIC?" and she was like "I like that music" and then he was like I LOVE YOU. Also, why did she go over there with her guitar in the first place? He clearly didn't want to jam with her.

Jess: PGL and Demi can't jam together. They can EAT jam together.

[Pause to wash dishes and order food. The timestamps are now totally inaccurate. Sorry.]

9:16 Jess: Do they not know it's summer? Because everyone keeps wearing boots.

Demi is mean to Alyson, but redeems herself by also being mean to Blondie.

Rachel: What an odd moral. We learned that it's okay to be mean as long you're mean to everyone. Then you get to date a Jonas Brother, which I guess is God's punishment to you for being mean to everyone.

9:19 Alyson (who got punished for sauceless spaghetti-throwing by being forced to work in the kitchen and DISCOVERED DEMI’S SECRET ZOMG) and Demi are blowing up balloons and laughing. Demi ditches Alyson for Blondie. Alyson’s balloon deflates.

Jess: Aw, sad lesbian balloon.

Becky: Wait, so Alyson does work and Demi totally doesn't?

9:21 The other Jonii show up! Well, via the phone.

Stoner Jonas: How's my birdhouse coming?

Your Reviewers: YAY!

Stoner Jonas: I want more birds in my -

Jess: WHY IS ADOPTED WEARING A SPEEDO?

Meanwhile, back at camp…

PGL: BUT WHO? *grabs the Little Drummer Boy* Hey buddy, want to do me a favor?

Jess: Is it a SEX FAVOR?

Rachel: Is it “be my boyfriend?”

Becky: Is it “put your penis in my butt?”

Jess: Oh man, now he's making the whole camp BUT WHO? Hey, that one girl's at camp for Tambourine. "Yeah, I majored in Tambourine at camp."

Rachel: "I'm a camp legend."

9:25 This love story is intolerable.

9:28 The other Jonii finally show up at camp.

Becky: Oh, thank God, Stoner Jonas is back.

9:32 Becky: So we have Jonas Who Knows Things, Jonas Who Doesn't Know Things, and Jonas Who's an Asshole?

Blondie: So tell us about your mom again.

Alyson: Oh, her mom's a good person. What's your mom like, random dancer?

Random Dancer: *with thinly veiled contempt* She's like…a mom.

That: *is the best non-birdhouse-related line in the movie*

9:36 PGL’s heart is broken because Demi’s NOT RICH. He pretends not to care.

PGL: I don't want to get sidetracked with liking someone anyway.

Jess: He's never going to like anyone ever?

Rachel: Well, he is Jonas Who's an Asshole.

9:38 Everyone hates Demi!

Jess: Well, she did pretend to be rich. That is the worst thing you can ever do.

9:39 Everyone forgives Demi, because she’s talented.

Jess: So the moral of the movie is "It's okay not to be rich, as long as you're talented."

Demi: I'm a good person!

Jess: THAT'S A LIE.

9:45 It’s time for Final Jam! Yay, I guess.

Becky: Oh hey, that's where Corbin did double dutch!

9:50 Oz talks.

Jess: I have no idea what he just said, but I hated all of it.

9:55 Blondie performs after being deserted by her ethnic sidekicks.

Jess: Why is she dressed like an ice skater?

9:56: Oz: Margaret Dupree!

Ashley from Hannah Montana: Who's Margaret Dupree?

Blondie’s Moody Black Sidekick: I am.

Becky: Wait, did she not have a name before?

A montage: *IS THERE FOR SOME REASON WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK*

Becky: Did she have an emotional arc we missed?

Rachel: I'm telling you, every single person is in a different movie!

There are like ten songs in a row.

Jess: Okay, musicals aren't supposed to have ALL THE SONGS IN THE SAME PLACE.

10:01 Demi sings! Like omg!

PGL: Gasp! BUT WHO? IS YOU!

10:02 They “sing” a duet.

Becky: So at least PGL is used to lip synching. That was me burning the Jonas Brothers.

Jess: Oh. I thought you meant back when only Nick was famous and he would sit alone in his room, crying and mouthing along to Nick's Christian rock album wishing he was Nick.

Becky: We know way too much about the Jonas Brothers.

10:05 The movie is finally, mercifully over.

Becky: This makes High School Musical look like…

Rachel: Singin' in the Rain?

Jess: That was worse than White Wolves, the standard by which all bad movies are set. Wow.

Becky: There was not one good thing you could say about it. That was a failure in every conceivable way.

So there you have it, folks. Camp Rock: The Worst Movie Ever. We suffered, yes – but we did it for you.