Kids' Choice Awards 2010: I Didn't Actually Watch Them

So the Kids' Choice Awards! They were, uh, a couple of weeks ago. Look, I've been very busy writing a story about gay pirates, okay? It's serious business.

I didn't watch the actual show because I was out of town on a business trip, but I paid very close attention to all the follow-up coverage on the tween blogs. I have no strong feelings about the winners, except surprise over Slightly Worse Sprouse walking away with Choice TV Actor, and firm agreement that iCarly and Selena deserved their wins. I'm here to talk about the most important thing: the clothes. Specifically, the clothes on the tween starlets, because boys are boring, and I don't actually care about Rihanna and Katy Perry.

(Click on the pictures to embiggen.)

Best Dressed: Selena. You guys, she looks like a goddess. I love the summery yellow and the toga-like drape of the dress, and the gladiator-esque sandals and braided belt complement the Greek look without being cheesily on-the-nose about it (and, incidentally, make her legs look about a thousand miles long). The delicate gold accessories and loose side braid are appropriately girlish and, again, help to subtly buttress the theme without being, you know, a heavy collar and an updo and a "DO YOU GET IT THIS IS A GREEK LOOK?" A++++, would KCA again.

Runner Up: Ashley Argota. In preparation for this post I did a little research on Miss Double A Battery here, and YOU GUYS, I LOVE HER. Expect a flaily post about how I want her and Jennette McCurdy to make a thousand musicals about friendship and determination, okay? Anyway, it's not quite as unusual or striking as Selena's, but it's bright and springlike and fun, and she looks great in it, and when we're best friends she's totally going to let me borrow those shoes. I'm like 97% positive this is going to happen. Okay? Okay.




Close But No Cigar: Keke Palmer. Keke P will also be getting a post about how much I love her, because - brace yourselves - I also love her. And, you know, I can see what she's going for here - kind of a funky, unusual fabric (upon close examination those appear to be beads and not candy. alas.) to break up the usual "sundress, colorful pumps, minimal jewelry" look everyone was rocking. And she herself looks lovely, of course. But I just...I want to eat her dress. And I keep wondering if it hurt to sit in it. I feel like these reactions are not optimal! Also, the pockets are awkward.




Yawn: Demi. Clingy. Black. Silvery stuff. Half a size too tight. I repeat: yawn. Demi, there will be plenty of time for this sort of thing when you're a 20something starlet and you're not allowed to wear pastels. In the meantime, you're, like, what, 11 years old? Have a little fun! Wear something with color and flutter to it!

Also, she accessorized really poorly. Is it just me or does it look like Adopted is in costume as a young Doc Brown?


Yawn, Redux: Miranda. Miranda is so, so pretty. I included the closeup solely because I can't get over how insanely pretty she is. But this is so boring. She looks like she's headed to an eighth grade prom in Anywhereville, USA, not an awards show. There's nothing wrong with the dress or the shoes or the bangles, there's just...something missing. It needed something more. (Psst! Miranda! Next time accessorize with Former TV Big Brother and Jess's TV Crush Josh Peck and all is forgiven. Dude has been scarce lately.)

Disappointing: Jennette. I get the feeling Jennette gets tired of stomping around in Sam's board shorts and hoodies and converses, because she always goes all frilly and poofy at events. Which could work (even though Sam's costuming - and all the costuming - is one of the highlights of the show, and she looks adorable in it), but this doesn't. All the baggage around her waist just kind of makes her look like a turquoise creampuff, and also way too matronly for the KCA. My kingdom for a pared-down sundress!

The best-dressed member of the iCarly cast was actually Nathan, surprisingly enough. But look at him! He looks like a little man! (Which is exactly what I said, out loud, when I saw him.) He's totally dreamy if you're eight, and not even in that "eight-year-old girls like boys who look like girls" way - dude's got some shoulders. I love the shades and the cuff; he looks like he just snuck out behind his prep school to grab a smoke, but in a wholesome kind of way. Well done, sir.

(Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about boys. Hush, you.)

Not Winning Me Over, Newbie: Victoria Justice. Her new show looks incredibly blah (I like Leon Thomas and the rival seems amusingly caustic, but Victoria needs to go to the Miley Cyrus School of Shouting Is Not Acting, post haste), and in general the way Nickelodeon is promoting her everywhere (and it does seem to be Victoria Justice the Product, not Victorious the Show, that they're making a big, borderline-creepy deal over) leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The Stacey McGill-esque emphasis on sort of hard-line sexy New York nightclub fashion here doesn't help - "Ooh la la, doesn't this shirring make my dress look tight? It's off-the-shoulder! Check out my peep-toe booties!" It's boring, I can see it walking down Madison Avenue every day of my life, and those booties make me sad, Victoria. Sad inside.

Would a Smile Kill You?: Miley. Nightshirt. Leggings (I think?). Those damn peep-toe booties. Hair. A sullen expression. Jeez, Miley, I know you're money and everything these days, but come on, you're still only 17, and this is the award show aimed directly at the people who made - and are still making - you famous. Make an effort.







Just...No: Justin Bieber. What is this, Bieber? Are the green shoes supposed to be Nickelodeon slime? Have your lower legs been devoured by the dreaded Lime Green Feet-Eating Snakes That Look Like Ugly High-Tops? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CHILD? Whatever it is, you need to stop. Immediately.







All pics from Just Jared, Jr., which shouldn't surprise anyone.

I'm so starstruck. Where "starstruck" means "bored."

So... Starstruck.

What is there to say? Last night Jess, Rachel, and I ate some chocolates and watched the movie. I woke up this morning and could not tell you a single thing about it. Starstruck wasn't kill-it-with-fire bad, unlike some DCOMs I could name, but it wasn't charming or entertaining or, well, anything. It just sort of... was a thing that was on the screen for a while there.

Basically: Sterling Knight, who we usually love, gave an entirely phoned-in performance as pop sensation Christopher Wilde, who can't escape the paparazzi no matter where he goes. He's being considered for a movie role, but the director tells him he won't get it if he keeps getting his picture on magazine covers with his girlfriend, because, you know, the people who make movies really, really hate it when their stars get free publicity, I guess. Meanwhile, Danielle Campbell, doing her best impression of a young Vanessa Hudgens, plays Jessica Olsen: a small-town girl who, due to wacky hijinks, ends up spending a day with SK trying to duck the paparazzi.

Naturally they fall for each other, despite the facts that they have zero chemistry, Jessica is really unpleasant, and nothing that happens makes any sense. SK has to pretend he doesn't know her so he can get the movie role, then decides he'd rather be with the girl than be in the movie, she gives a nonsensical speech to the press, he shows up at the school dance, and our TiVo spontaneously killed itself from the boredom a few minutes before the end.

And now, the commentary.

--

Becky: The first unfortunate thing is that Starstruck is also a Lady Gaga song.

Rachel: The second unfortunate thing is Sterling Knight's singing.

--

Jess: Wait, so the popular sister is the frumpy one?

Becky: I don't think on purpose.

Jess: Okay, the lady paparazzo's name is Libby Lam. You need to write that down so I can use it for a kicky girl reporter later.

--

Jess: Under 21 club! That's where all the movie stars go.

Becky: Ohhhhh, Brandon Smith. Are you sad you're always someone's sidekick?

Becky: Chelsea Staub is a super low-rent Amanda Bynes.

Rachel: I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

--

Jess: The thing that's wrong with this, though, is that girls who are THIS INTO A POP STAR aren't cool and popular. They're insane and everyone knows it. Those girls I knew in high school who covered their walls, ceiling, and floor with pictures of NSYNC? Not popular!

--

SK's Mom/Manager: You look like a street kid.

Rachel: He looks like a STREET KID? Because he's in a T-SHIRT?

Becky: THERE IS A GIANT POSTER OF HIS FACE IN HIS LIVING ROOM! IT'S LIKE EAST HIGH ALL OVER AGAIN!

Jess: Oh man, I hope every DCOM from now on has a giant poster of someone's face. IT WORKED IN HSM. YOU MUST HAVE ONE.

Jess: Why is the older sister so old? She's clearly in her mid 20s.

Older Sister: *babbles something about chatting and texting and blogging*

Jess: OMG! Chats and texts and blogs! Kids today!

--

Jess: Why are they back at the same club?

Becky: It's the only club in LA!

Rachel: Did the black sidekick just talk about "chillin'"?

Jess: I'm more interested in why they appear to live together.

SK to Nico from SWATC: ...You live in my house for free, eat all my food, drive my car...

Jess: SEE?!!!

Jess: Why so many Libbies in this movie? There are at least three.

Becky: Not that one girl. She's smart because she was reading a book.

--

SK performs while wearing a shirt and some pants and looking bored.

Jess: They aren't even trying to make him look like a pop star.

Rachel: What are you talking about, he's wearing sunglasses!

Jess: They never taught him that if you pull the mic away from your face while you're singing, it looks real fake.

Nico from SWaC joins him onstage, rapping.

Jess: So the paid best friend is also famous...?

Rachel: I think you mean "kept boy."

Jess: What an excellent singing performance by Sterling's pet robot.

--

Becky: Why do they keep going to this one club?

Jess: Under 21 clubs are totally cool, and you should go to Disney's coolest club, in Downtown Disney in Orlando, Florida! Tell your parents, kids!

--

Little Sister wanders around a completely deserted alley, then pukes for no reason.

Jess: Oh, she's in the deserted part of LA. ... I like her Laura Ashley dress. She's California Casual, just like Dawn Shafer.

Rachel: Why is the sidekick in highwater pants?

Jess: Why did she puke, exactly? Is she pregnant? That would be the best movie ever.

Rachel: Spoiler: she's not pregnant. But if she was, and Sterling had to marry her and pretend to be the father --

Jess: I would watch that SO HARD.

[hilarious shadow puppets and slap fighting]

--

Jess: SK and boring girl are wearing the same shade of lip gloss!

--

Jess: BWAHAHA, HIS NAME IS UP IN LIGHTS IN HIS ROOM. It would be so much better if he were playing this as Chad Dylan Cooper and not trying to be appealing.

--

Rachel: I wish the girl didn't have to be so virginal and deliver every line in that baby voice. Oh hi, I can't talk to boys if they aren't in my bible study group!

Jess: Are you gonna give me a promise ring? Otherwise I can't hold your hand!

--

Becky: This song has been going on for a really long, boring time.

Rachel: The girl agrees with you.

Jess: La la la, I have feelings and I sing high... if I sang low, I'd be threatening to 12-year-olds...

Rachel: But to be fair, he's more on key than Taylor Swift singing live.

Jess: I like his autotune. He keeps it in his pocket in case he needs it.

Rachel: Which he does.

[This song: How is it still going on??? The girl escapes to the garage, which is full of sports cars in eye-searingly bright primary colors.]

Jess: Are those Crayola cars? Or... what the Power Rangers drive?

[SK sings along with himself on the radio]

J, R, B in unison: NO NOT AGAIN.

Becky: Acting-wise, this girl is on about the same level as Hudge in the first HSM.

Jess: You mean eye-gougingly bad?

Becky: YES, EXACTLY.

--

SK and Little Sister push SK's car into Little Sister's empty garage. No, that's not a euphemism.

Jess: Why are they PUSHING the car? Why don't the parents have ANY cars?

Becky: What happened to the car they had earlier?!

Jess: Where'd he get that bucket hat, 1996??

--

Jess: Big Sister doesn't want to talk to Little Sister about why she (Big Sister) gets taken home by her celebrity crush's best friend after she (Little Sister) disappears? Okay. Also, I love how smug the older sister looks for no reason.

Rachel: I love her wide-eyed look of total crazy.

Becky: Little Sister is a mildly better actress when she's being bitchy.

Becky: Where did she run to? Why the close up of Little Sister just staring at nothing?

Jess: I like that they're wearing that matching look-what-gender-I-am hoodies.

Jess: Why does she hate her sister so much that she wouldn't even be like, "Please say hi to my sister"?

Rachel: Becky, if I ever meet Corbin Bleu, I'm not telling you.

--

SK and Little Sister run away from the beach to avoid the paparazzi.

Jess: Maybe he should buy an old, shitty car if he's sick of the paparazzi spotting him in nice ones. Also, do the paparazzi really helpfully drive around in giant, sinister black vans?

SK and Little Sister hide by pulling their shirts up over their noses.

Becky: "Where is Sterling Knight and that girl he's with? I just see a strange couple here with no bottom of their heads!"

Rachel: Are we about to have an "LA is awesome" montage? Because...LA isn't awesome.

--

Becky: They aren't trying at all with the acting.

Jess: She might be. Maybe she's just bad at it. ... Oh, her FACE. Nose scrunch of fake cuteness!

Becky: Uh, so, NO ONE in LA recognizes him, but the paparazzi stalk NO ONE ELSE? Gosh, I wonder if those photos will be a plot point later. Someone might find them! [Note from the future: Shockingly, they weren't. SK just moped over the slideshow of them he put on his laptop. Which is kind of even better.]

Jess: I hope it's her sister, who then STABS HER IN THE EYE.

--

SK and Little Sister get lost.

Rachel: It's not this hard to find the highway in LA!

Becky: Well, girls are bad navigators, and boys don't stop for directions!

Jess: I bet she wants to go buy shoes!

Becky: Are they stuck in quicksand? ... Oh my god, THEY ARE ACTUALLY STUCK IN QUICKSAND. I was joking.

The car is literally completely submerged.

Jess: Oh, it's just water. HOW DID HE DRIVE INTO THAT? THAT IS A LAKE.

Rachel: She didn't say to turn, and she's the navigator!

Jess: How is that the road?!!

SK: Dad, there's no signal, can you hear me?

Jess: Maybe if you'd put the phone by your mouth.

Little Sister: I'm going to beach where my sister is probably freaking out!!!

Jess: Not that you've cared for the past five hours!

--

[Some promo thing featuring Demi and the Jonii, um... doing fake old-school, Run DMC-style hip hop? And Nick implores us to keep it funky, and keep bouncing? And we don't hate it and find Demi adorable and the Jonii tolerable? WHAT IS HAPPENING, THE WORLD IS TOPSY TURVY. IT FEELS LIKE WE'RE HAVING A COLLECTIVE STROKE.]

--

Becky: Doesn't she have a right to be cranky? He did just drive her grandmother's car into a lake.

Jess: A very small, very deep lake.

--

Becky: ... wait, did she just say his black sidekick is his DRIVER???

Jess: WOW, is that inappropriate.

--

SK and Little Sister play in a lake. A clean one this time, not a hidden muddy car-eating one.

Becky: So since she was pissed, he dropped her in the lake...

Rachel: ...And now they're in love!

--

Jess: AUGH, his delivery.

Rachel: He's not even trying.

Jess: "Yeah this is fun, whatever, I'll say lines I guess..."

--

Jess: What's on his face?

Rachel: Eh, that's just his face.

--

Rachel: "I'm his driver! Or possibly his best friend, or possibly a rapper."

--

SK: "That was close!"

Rachel: "I almost acted!"

--

SK and Little Sister break up or something. LIKE TEN TIMES.

Jess: They've ended this scene, like, four times already.

Rachel: It's like the end of LotR. There are just going to be more hobbits on the bed. Also, if I hadn't seen SK in anything else, I'd think he was the worst actor ever.

Jess: And singer.

Rachel: I do think that, actually.

--

Becky: If he hates taking pictures, why did he just... walk up to those girls and take pictures?

--

Rachel: She's the only brunette in LA!

Rachel: Why would the paparazzi pay attention to the one crying girl? Isn't there always a crying girl around a pop star? And why does Sterling only know one chord?

Jess: And why did Big Sister just sit around at his table, in his house, and then just leave without waiting to see him or anything?

--

Rachel: Nice giant American flag, Boy Miley.

Jess: Is it man-hug time? Why is Nico from SWaC dressed for golf?

--

[Blonde girlfriend breaks up with him]

SK: ...O...kay...

Rachel: The first word he's delivered well!

[She walks out. Nico from SWaC looks triumphant.]

Jess: "She dumped you! We can finally be together!"

--

Becky: Why is NO ONE is upset by the destruction of the pink car???

--

Plot: Throws up all over the screen.

Becky: Sterling, if you were serious about being in a movie, you would NEVER try and get more exposure in the press!

Jess: How dare you look at girls?!! It's a movie about a gay guy! Go make out with your sidekick!!

Rachel: Also, she's not doing anything in the picture! He's not even in it! It's just a picture of a girl!

Jess: It's like if someone took a picture of us tonight and was like, "STERLING KNIGHT IN ORGY WITH THREE JEWS!"

Jess: Also, OH MY GOD, he is doing the RIGHT THING by telling them not to follow you around because do you really want the paparazzi STALKING YOU? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

--

Little Sister makes a tearful speech to the paparazzi about how horribly horrible they are for insinuating that SK dates girls.

Becky: Why are they there?!! What are you crying about??! WHAT IS GOING ON, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HOW ARE THEY TEARING HIM DOWN BY SAYING HE'S DATING A PERSON???

Rachel: Becky, he can't date a girl.

Jess: They have cooties. Also, way to totally confirm that you know him, Little Sister.

--

Becky: What... WHAT are Brandon Smith's pants?

Jess: They're leggings. Purple ones. Also, he's the only one TRYING to act.

--

Becky: Pausing to rant. Just FYI, because I'm the only one who's watched Another Cinderella Story all the way through (and fair enough), but there is TOTALLY A SCENE in that where Drew Seeley talks to his token black sidekick and then storms in to talk to his parental manager and fires her. And yeah, Drew Seeley? WAY BETTER fake pop star than Sterling Knight.

Jess: Because he's a fake pop star in real life.

--

Becky: "Come to the dance with me. I've been horrible to you and you keep ditching me and leaving me places, and also didn't help me meet the guy I'm in love with who you spent all that time with, but it's totally cool because we're sisters!"

Little Sister: "You're a good sister."
Big Sister: "Aww. Pretend you don't know me."

Us: HA.

--

Becky: Oh godddd, he's going to sing again. SK, you need to Christian Bale this shit right off your resume.

Jess: Couldn't he have just, like, held up a boombox or something?

[And then the TiVo cut the damn thing off for no reason!]

Becky: Okay. Well... let's make up an ending.

Rachel: She slaps him and is like, "Don't use my high school dance as your forum."

Jess: And he goes back to Hollywood and cries. Then he makes out with his best friend. The end.

--

So in conclusion... That was a waste of our time. When we tune in to DCOMs, we expect crazy capers and wacky hijinks, not to be bored to death. We don't watch DCOMs for quality (it's an occasional bonus), we watch to be entertained. Starstruck wasn't outright terrible, but it committed the cardinal sin of boring the crap out of us.

Not to mention that it was a little bit infuriating that SK seems to have just decided not to act throughout it. He was never going to make a great fake pop star -- he's a decent actor, but not a singer or dancer -- but he's almost always charming. Here, it seems like he didn't even try. (Seriously, dude, you are too good for this, talent-wise, but you're not famous enough to just phone it in.)

On the other hand, both of the sisters were just dreadful. SK wasn't trying; they were, we assume, but they were just bad at their jobs.

Overall, the only thing about this that was actually at all enjoyable, or good? Brandon Smith. He's consistently amusing on Sonny With a Chance, and was both entertaining and actually decent at acting in his few scenes in here. Disney, get this kid his own DCOM where he doesn't have to be someone's sidekick, please.

Princess Protection Program (Warning: exclamation points abound!)

So. The Princess Protection Program. How to describe this movie? Hmmm. Let's try this: the best thing about this movie is Demi Lovato's acting. Wow. But, to be fair, if you don't care about things like how monarchies function, or international relations, or government agencies, or basically anything remotely resembling the actuality of princesses (or, you know, plot) it's actually quite enjoyable! Once you accept that nothing makes any sense and just go with it, it's a sort of charming tale of the surprisingly likeable girls developing a friendship. And I actually kind of enjoyed it.

Okay, so here goes. We tune in on, miraculously, not the last day of school, but rather on Selena Gomez and her Creepy Pageant Baby Face, working at a bait shop in the Louisiana Bayou. She gives away some free bait to a guy named Donny, who I will be referring to as McDoucherson, because he is a ginormous douche. This is made apparent immediately: Selena gives him the bait because a) she is Totes In Love with him, but also because b) he agreed to give her a ride to school. Even though he doesn't know her name (it's Carter, because she's a tom boy, and tom boys always have boy names, see?). But McDoucherson's girlfriend, a bitchy Asian girl named Chelsea (no, really, Disney, you aren't subverting stereotypes by making every Asian character a villain) has her dress in McDoucherson's car, and won't move it to give Selena room, and McDoucherson shrugs and drives off EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD A DEAL. So they (along with Chelsea's nervous sidekick) speed off, and Selena calls them spoiled princesses, which is a wacky bit of foreshadowing because gosh! Soon she's going to have to deal with a real princess! Clever! Or, wait, the other thing, where it isn't clever, just awkward dialogue.

Anyway. Selena's dad has to go out on a mysterious mission for two days. He promises "it's a routine op" and he'll be fine.

MEANWHILE! In the small country of Costa Luna, Princess Demi Lovato is practicing for her coronation in a month. While she chatters with her swishy gay sidekick/dress designer Mr. Elagante, her mom exposits that since her husband passed away, only Demi can become queen of Costa Luna, or, as I will call it henceforth (based on the accents of everyone who appears in this scene), Fakeonia. So Demi might get in trouble, and someone named General Kane might try and attack her, but (gasp!) Selana's dad is there to protect her!

You know, because really, you hire the most body guards for the practice coronation, a month before the real event. But I guess that is when trouble happens, because right as a helpful old man in generic religious garb goes to place the tiara on Demi's head, gasp! The general shows up! And he throws a sword through the tiara and starts a food fight! That means he is totes the dictator now, and so Selana's dad grabs Demi and drags her off, because surely an American soldier kidnapping the princess of a sovereign nation won't be any kind of international incident. (Meanwhile, Mr. Elegante is dragged off by soldiers, and smirks a little bit, which is so very inappropriate, Disney Channel.) And even though Demi and Selena's dad take, like, 15 minutes to leave, and walk right in front of some enemy soldiers without anyone bothering them or trying to stop their helicopter from taking off, for some reason Demi's mom has to stay behind. But the general doesn't kill her (or even, as far as we see, imprison her -- he makes reference to it, but every time she shows up she's wearing a ball gown with her hair done, so that's some special prison Kane has, I guess). Because that's totally not something you want to do when you overthrow a country.

Note to self: start working on that "Become Empress of Everything" plan a bit more seriously, because you are smarter than this villain, and apparently, no one will try to stop you. Not as long as you throw chocolate sauce on people, anyway, I guess.

Here's the weird thing, though; Demi actually kind of pulls of scared and sad but still dignified and trying to hold her shit together in this scene. Which isn't "generically happy" and thus much more complex than anything she has ever conveyed before. Go, Demi?

So Selena's dad takes Demi to a top-secret facility, which is the headquarters of the Princess Protection Program, where they do nothing but hide exiled princesses. (Apparently, there are 29 princesses currently being protected, because this whole "throw your sword through a tiara and stage a coup" thing is pretty common, I guess. And there are, like, 15 princesses wandering around trying on new clothes and such in the background.) They give Demi a makeover so she'll look like a normal girl, which involves trimming her bangs a little and unbraiding her hair.

This is also the scene where it becomes clear that whoever wrote the movie confused "regal" with "robotic" dialogue, because Demi isn't allowed to use any contractions. Her delivery is dead flat most of the time, but that's at least as much the dialogue's fault as it is hers, but it makes her sound more like Summer Glau Terminator character than anything else. Anyway, they send her off with Selena's dad to go into hiding… Disguised as Selena's cousin! Wacky!

Back on the bayou, Selena chatters with her bus driver, who's the prostitute from My Name Is Earl, which is mildly disconcerting. She and Demi run into each other and it's wacky hijinks! Selena doesn't want to share her room! Demi is afraid of lizards! Selena's a tom boy! Demi wears dresses! It's like the odd couple, but really stupid!

So without bothering to enroll or anything, Demi now goes to Selena's school. They get off the bus and meet Zach from Sky High, who continues with his traditional role of being That Kind of Tall Guy, who is, for some reason, filming Selena (and I guess some other girls) because of homecoming? Okay. McDoucherson is a douche to Demi until he discerns that she's hot, and Demi sticks out like a sore thumb because she speaks French in French class. (Fair enough; I took high school French and never actually learned a word. On the other hand, even I can tell that her accent is terrible.) But for all people are totally mean to her because she does crazy things like use a napkin and a fork when she eats her hamburger, the dudes all think she's hot, so Chelsea decides she is competition that must be taken down. Some teacher announces that it's time to nominate girls for Homecoming Queen, to narrow it down to three -- the Princesses, if you will, GET IT??? -- with the final winner announced at the dance. Demi totally humiliates Selena by nominating her, not realizing that she's a tom boy, and everyone laughs. Because tom boys don't like dresses so they can't be Homecoming Princess because that would be ridiculous! Next thing you know, basketball players will be singing, or baking! Smart girls will pop'n'lock! Stoners will play the cello! Flamey drama boys will play baseball! Okay, I'll stop.

Demi remains plucky and upbeat even though Selena dislikes her; Selena agrees to try and be nice to her for her dad's sake. But Selena plays a mean trick on her by making her, um, count worms. So basically, Selena is playing the same character she always plays -- bitchy -- and Demi is… Again, surprisingly decent. It's a variant on her standard "look how nice I am! Please like me!" girl, but with a bit more, I can't believe I'm typing this, depth. And she's kind of… empathetic. And if you squint hard enough, you can see both characters' motivations. Demi and Selena play off each other pretty well. I kind of, like… Almost care about them and stuff. Girls fighting but then banding together to help each other out and becoming BFFs! It warms my cold, dead heart! Even though it's ludicrously bad.

Anyway, Demi and Selena finally make peace, so Selena takes Demi bowling. At the bowling alley, Zach from Sky High is adorable and tall, and McDoucherson is a douche. Demi turns out to be great at bowling, and all the boys think she's hot, and Selena is frustrated because her dad and McDoucherson and Zach from Sky High all suddenly like Demi best. But of course, and all the girls hate Demi because the boys like her (because girls only care about what boys think and consider one another strictly in terms of competition, you see) so they decide to prank her so she'll be humiliated and no one will vote for her for Homecoming Princess. Naturally, they start by pretending to be her friend (because girls are mean and scheming and are never actually really friends with each other; on a related note I AM SO FULL OF HATE FROM THIS PART OF THE PLOT. Well, "plot." WHATEVER, HATE.).

When Selena angrily tells Demi she should go get a job, Demi does so. Chelsea gets Demi hired at her father's frozen yogurt restaurant, where she is immediately put on duty, as the only one working, and she's never been trained, and OH MY GOD HAS NO ONE AT DISNEY EVER WORKED A JOB OF ANY KIND, EVER? Chelsea calls everyone to laugh at her and has some dude sabotage the machine, so the customers are mad and there's frozen yogurt everywhere! Heck, you could overthrow a small country that way! Selena comes to save the day, but not before Demi is humiliated, and Demi's moment of wounded dignity is actually… Surprisingly good (I know I keep saying that, but I keep being surprised). But the plan has backfired, because everyone thought Demi was pretty cool about the whole thing, so Chelsea starts scheming again.

Meanwhile, in Fakeonia! The General has an evil scheme to marry Demi's mom, but not for real, just to make sure Demi finds out about it. See, that'll lure Demi back into the country, so the General can then, um, exile her. Awesome plan, dude.

At school the next day, the three princesses are announced: Chelsea, Demi, and Selena! Because, see, Chelsea's plan backfired again! She told everyone to vote for Selena, not Demi, but instead they voted for Selena and Demi! ZOMG! And then McDoucherson asks out Demi. And, in a pretty awesome moment, she shuts him down flat. ("Oh. It is very kind of you to ask. But no. Excuse me.")

Selena is sad because McDoucherson doesn't like her, so Demi decides to make her feel like a princess by having her… Volunteer to read to children? Um, sure. Oh, and then they go on a wacky shopping trip! I liked this sequence better when it was in A Cinderella Story, but eventually they find perfect dresses for themselves. But at this point, Chelsea's nervous sidekick runs across a Spanish-language magazine with Demi on the cover, for some reason. And she immediately figures out that Demi is a princess! Like, she immediately figures it out without opening the magazine or reading the article or anything. Meanwhile, Selena's dad finds out about the General's evil plan, and Chelsea bosses around some nerdy girl we've never seen before. Nervous sidekick tells her about Demi. Chelsea then goes to blackmail Demi, but instead, just throws their dresses on some gravel. OH NOES, NOT GRAVEL! I mean, to be fair, there's a mud puddle, too, but on the other hand, they are on the freaking bayou and there is an enormous, muddy, algae-covered lake two feet away. The upshot is, how will Demi and Selena go to the dance if there is gravel on their dresses???

Somewhere around here, Demi finds out about her mother's fake marriage, and wants to go back to Fakeonia, but Selena makes her promise to stay through homecoming and hatches a wacky scheme. It mostly seems to involve calling Mr. Elegante and having him make them new dresses, and then giving makeovers to the various nerdy girls who've been wandering around in the background.

And then comes homecoming. Selena's big plan involves everyone wearing masks, except for when they're not, which is about 90% of the time. And so a long line of now-pretty, made-over nerdy girls walk past the boys, who of course are so captivated that no one notices when Chelsea's dress gets caught in a car and she starts screaming and her dress rips and she falls on the ground, LOL! (See, it's funny because boys only care about hot girls, and will totally ignore everything else when they see one, get it?) Inside, Selena dances with some freshman and McDoucherson walks over to her and asks her out. She shuts him down, because hey! He's a total douche! She points out to him that he only is asking her out because she's hot all dressed up -- but she's still the same tom boy she always was, and she's proud of who she is, and she deserves better than someone who can't even remember her name. I mean this non-sarcastically: It is AWESOME. And of course, in the bathroom, Chelsea continues her slow descent into madness, as her nervous sidekick finally ditches her. Chelsea runs outside and smack into, gasp, the general! He heads inside and kidnaps a now-re-bemasked Selena, mistaking her for Demi; thirty seconds later, Demi wins Homecoming Queen and goes up on stage. Good thing that dude doesn't look back, I guess. Also a good thing that everyone at the school was down with voting for a girl who doesn't even go there.

Demi gives a speech, with the camera right up her nose, but Selena is too busy being kidnapped to listen. Realizing Selena has vanished, Demi goes searching, but is interrupted by Chelsea, who freaks out and demands the homecoming crown, then falls in a pool. As you do when you're the villainess in a DCOM, I guess. Demi sees Selena and runs up to stop her, the general grabs Demi instead, and opens the door to his helicopter. But Selena's dad jumps out and accuses him of kidnapping! It's a sting! Except then he lectures Selena about doing something super dangerous, even though he had to have been in on it, so… huh? It's kind of the least climactic ending ever; no one actually gets kidnapped or even especially menaced, no one gets shot, and the villain goes without putting up a fight. Demi gives the crown to Selena, but a bedraggled Chelsea runs over and demands it. Selena laughs it off, because… Wacky!

And then, back in Fakeonia, everyone is happy and Demi is crowned. The end. So, in conclusion: it turns out princesses aren't just spoiled and superficial after all! They're actually nice and generous and hard working, and totally deserving of your love and respect! But if someone calls you a princess, it's totally an insult.

In closing, have Demi and Selena's music video. At your own risk, though. I am much more favorably disposed towards them as actresses than I was before watching the movie,* but that good will doesn't extend to their singing.

* Well, mostly towards Demi; I already enjoyed Selena quite a bit.

Image source.

The Most Dramatic Drama of All Time

I've been half-heartedly planning an epic post for awhile now, but haven't bothered because it can be boiled down to this: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, I LOVE STERLING KNIGHT. In all caps. Just like that. But now I have an excuse!

When I very grudgingly admitted that I enjoyed Sonny With a Chance, I somehow skipped over mentioning Sterling's character, Chad Dylan Cooper.* If Demi is the weakest link on the show (look, writers, she's just not as funny as you think she is, talking in a silly voice ≠ comedy genius, and she's not even that good at silly voices), then Sterling is by far the strongest one. In an episode I accidentally watched recently (because I do not actually seek out this show, surprisingly) he had a gag in the background and, without delivering a single line of dialogue, was funnier than the entire rest of the cast in the entire rest of the episode. And while his dialogue is generally the best on the show, that isn't saying much (it's akin to being the most talented Jonas brother, for example), and a lot of it is squarely thanks to Sterling.

What Sterling does well is actually, you know… act. Chad Dylan Cooper is an archetype I'm already fond of -- the smug but charming jackass. For all intents and purposes, he's the same character as Hannah Montana's Jake Ryan, who I also enjoy. But unlike Jake (or, if you're being technical, Cody Linley) who only has to pull that off in small doses, Sterling has to do it in almost every episode, consistently keeping Chad on the fine line between obnoxious and appealing, and, let's face it, he's got act for two in any scene where he's playing against Demi. Which is most of his scenes. But he not only pulls it off, he does it well -- and he's ultimately hilarious because he plays the character without a single hint of irony. There's no wink to the fact that Sterling knows how ridiculous his character is; there's no overacting (except, of course, for when Chad-the-character is on the set of Mackenzie Falls, on which he plays the eponymous Mackenzie). He's just straight-up funny. Let's get this kid a real role!

Wait, that would be where 17 Again comes in. Obviously 17 Again was, above all else, a Zac Efron vehicle; it wasn't what I would call a good movie, and there were some moments that were outright infuriating, but it was incredibly entertaining, and Zef managed to carry it along well. (It was interesting to see him in a role where he had to convey thoughts and emotions beyond "confused" and "my girlfriend has awesome boobs," which is about all we saw from Troy in the HSM franchise, but I digress.) Sterling Knight, as Zef's son Alex, was only a supporting role, though an important one, and Sterling was actually quite good in it. He was awkward without going into Television Nerd mode, he was quietly funny, and his subplot with the cheerleader was pretty cute. But what's really notable is that it means Sterling Knight can pull of what relatively few Disney kids** have attempted: he can play at least two distinctly different characters. And play both of them well. Who knows what he could do besides comedy? Period pieces? Space opera?

Dare I suggest... Drama?

And THAT is why I am writing this blog entry. As I said, Sterling plays Chad Dylan Cooper with nary a trace of irony, which is great. And the script gives it to him that way, if only because it's very, very rare that anything written for Disney has the self-awareness needed to be ironic. But someone on the writing staff knows what's going on, knows irony, and perhaps knows that Sterling Knight is the funniest guy they've got on set. And whoever that is, he or she also, clearly, loves me personally. Because Disney has seen fit to give me Mackenzie Falls minisodes, starring, of course, Chad Dylan Cooper, at his Chad Dylan Cooper-iest. All we have is an opening sequence at the moment -- boo! -- but the character profiles alone amuse me greatly. It's Gossip Girl's bitchy rich kids meets Dawson's Creek teen angst, with, for reasons I don't entirely understand, a score ripped off of Harry Potter; I don't think it would work long-form -- few jokes really do, and obviously Mackenzie Falls is an extended gag -- but if they keep the minisodes to a minute or two each, there is some potential for actual good parody here. And you know who would totally be able to pull that off? Hint: he's got the most awesome name of anyone, ever.

You guys, I really, really love Sterling Knight!


* They did a good job with that character name, but frankly, his real name would have worked even better. Oh, Sterling. Your parents were either crazy geniuses or they really, really hated you.

** "Disney kids" meaning "people who play kids on the Disney channel" as Sterling actually 20. Though by that definition, Jason Earles is also a Disney kid. And he's what, 75?

Ready yet? Get set! It's... Not All That?

Um. I have a confession. *cough*

Frequent readers will know that we here at Tweenage seriously dislike Demi Lovato -- and we really, really hated Camp Rock. And, well, you know how hard it was for me to admit that I kind of enjoyed Wizards of Waverly Place?

I. Um.

I actually enjoyed Sonny With a Chance, Disney's new Demi vehicle.

In fact, of all the various Disney sitcoms I've seen, Sonny has the most coherent pilot, and is surprisingly decent overall. Like, enough so that I almost mistook it for a show on Nickelodian, a network that actually understands how sitcom plots work! But then, that could be because it's really clear that someone at Disney sat down, watched a crapload of Dan Schneider programming, and stole blatantly.

So Sonny, the protagonist, is the new girl on a weekly kids' sketch comedy show called "So Random." And it seems like every episode of the sitcom about said show opens with a "So Random" sketch. Both of the sketches we've seen so far were probably supposed to be parodies, but actually just seemed like they could have been real -- albeit short -- sketches directly from Schneider's All That. And one of them was genuinely funny! Though that was only because the whole premise consisted of throwing food at Demi Lovato.

Speaking of Demi: she is definitely the weakest link. This is not exactly a surprise. But Sonny as a character is pretty much exactly Demi's public persona: she is desperate for people to really, really like her! And maybe if she smiles enough, we will! Which would be fine for a character but, unfortunately, Demi sucks as much at playing that character as she does at living that persona, because every line she squeaked (all but a few, which were yelled) was grating and irritating. She was supposed to be the sympathetic nice girl, compared to the standard cliche blond mean girl on the show, but... Well, the mean girl was better acted, with better comedic timing, so (even though she was probably the second-weakest actor on the show) I was kind of rooting for her. But in the few moments where Sonny was angry and not actively trying to befriend the whole wide world -- and also when she was covered in ketchup -- she was mildly tolerable. Almost.

The rest of the cast was pretty decent! I could easily picture this show suffering from Hannah Montana Syndrome: the main character is horrible (poorly acted, poorly written, and obnoxious) but the peripheral cast is quite amusing. The writing itself was a bit of a mixed bag; there were plenty of elements that didn't make sense -- well, that's standard on a kids' show, and triply-so on a Disney sitcom -- and a lot of really flat "laugh" lines. And there were a few obvious punchlines they just somehow missed. (When you have a protagonist who puns, who's writing a sketch about bees, who's been told she should leave something alone, her line should be, "I guess that's none of my BEESWAX," not "None of my bees-ness!" because BEESWAX IS ALREADY A THING PEOPLE SAY, zomg, punchline: ur doin it wrong.) But there were also a few decent laugh lines throughout, both within the parody sketches and the show at large.

Conclusion? To my surprise, I will probably watch this show in spite of its star. Of course, while I'm watching, I'll keep thinking it really would be a better show if it had a different star, a different writer, and was on a different network... But for Disney's original sitcoms, that's actually a step up in terms of quality.

Now excuse me. I need to go look for my sense of shame; I think I've lost it somewhere.

E-T-Freaking-A: Following trackbacks to our blog -- hi! thank you, we also think Ryan Evans is gay and the Jonas Brothers suck! -- I found a thread about Sonny over at TWoP, which points out that, while Schneider isn't involved, Sonny's executive producer Brian Robbins also produced All That. So there you go then. My gut instinct: pretty darned close!

As the Who Whats?

So... Apparently Tony Oller a) exists and b) has a song and music video on the Disney Channel.

Turns out, Tony Oller is one of the kids from ASTHEBELLRINGS (that's the closest I can come to approximating the yelly voice you have to say that in -- have to, like a compulsion). I recognized him, but didn't know his name until I googled it. I must confess: I don't hate ASTHEBELLRINGS. But then, I don't like ASTHEBELLRINGS, either. I have no feelings on it one way or the other, unless, "What the hell just happened my the television?" counts as a feeling.

So here's the weird part: I actually don't hate it. I don't hate Tony Oller's voice, which is not nearly as digitized as it might be. I don't hate the style, in as much as there's a style -- sort of Disney pop meets Virtual Insanity. I will say, though, that if there was a fantasy boyband draft a la fantasy sports, I would totally pick Tony Oller for the role of "Guy who's kind of deep (for a certain definition of "deep" that means "probably writes bad poetry in a journal somewhere")."

But I think my favorite thing is that Disney apparently only has one costumer who has very few ideas (or resources), because at various points, Tony Oller up there is wearing outfits I recognize from Hannah Montana: Rico wears that horrible white thing in the opening credits somewhere, and Jackson wears the cowboy getup in flashbacks to when he first moved. And I can't swear to it, but I suspect the 60s gear was taken from the "Club Twin" episode of the Suite Life.

So I think the moral of the story tonight is that a) I now know Tony Oller's name, and b) Disney could probably be talked into hiring an assistant costumer, if you're interested.

ETA: Wait, what??? ASTHEBELLRINGS just came on and it was starring DEMI LOVATO? Wow, that shows you how little attention I've paid to it generally. Also, let's talk production values, Disney: get some, please?

Disney Channel Games

So this blog may be having interesting effects on my life, because I'm paying a lot more attention to the various Disney kids than I used to. Which means, in short, that when I watched the Disney Channel Games, I not only knew who most of the kids involved were, but I also had a serious preference for which team I wanted to win.

Specifically, the red team. Because first, their captain was Brenda Song, who is like my favorite ever. They also had Jason Earles and Mitchel Musso Sandwich Boy, both of whom I enjoy quite a bit. On the down side, they had the HaraGossip Girls from Camp Rock, but like in Camp Rock, they had basically no screen time. Not even inexplicable songs at the end! And, of course, they were saddled with a Jonas. But at least it was Least Detestable.

The team I liked least was the green team, which featured both Most Detestable Jonas and Slight Worse Sprouse. There was no one else I cared about either way on it -- some sidekicks from various shows, including Guy Whose Hair Goes to the Right (Jason Dolley), but since only Most Detestable and SWS ever appeared on camera, there was nothing to redeem the team.

Everyone else was split up pretty evenly. The blue team had Demi Lovato. Once upon a time, the amount of irritation Demi causes me would have been canceled out by adorable Alyson Stoner, but I'm still mad at Alyson for sucking as hard as everyone else in Camp Rock. But on the up side, they had Shin Koyamada, who is absolutely adorable and costarred with Brenda in Wendy Wu, which is one of my favorite DCOMs. And they had Slightly Better Sprouse, who was just as awkwardly non-athletic as you would imagine.

Yellow had less to it: Selena Gomez and her Scary Pageant Baby Face -- though I've become oddly somewhat fond of her, Extra Jonas, Kyle Massey (who I fail to find charming, but I don't detest), and Moises, who seems less detestable as himself than when he's playing a character.

For me, the highlight of the game was definitely Sandwich Boy and Jason Earles pattering at one another (Mitchel playing guitar, and Jason complaining about it) because I have long maintained that I really like all of the non-Hannah or -Robby Ray characters on that show, and by extension, have become fond of the actors. Then they teamed up to score four goals (or something like that) in human-sized foose ball. (Then they got their butts handed to them by the French guy, which was pretty awesome, too.)

Lowlight of the games was the sibling rivalry game, where the Sprouses, Jonii, and Cheetah Girls ('cause... they're siblings, I guess) had to play against one another. Most Detestable and SWS were on a team together and won, and proved in the process that they were just as horrible as they always come across. Yuck.

Overall? The games try to hard to be charming and zany. I miss the HSM kids, who are now too good for this shit, and wish there had been fewer performances by the Jonii, because, well, my feelings on the Jonii are well known. But on the other hand, if they had Disney Channel Games every week, I would totally tune in.

Camp Rock Night: A Night of Pain

Starring your bloggers, Jess and Becky, with special guest star Becky's Sister Rachel.

Did you watch Camp Rock? We did!

Do you bitterly regret it? We do!

The plot, such as it is: Demi Lovato rilly rilly wants to go to Camp Rock, but her parents can’t afford it – until her mother takes a job working as the chef there, yays! Meanwhile, “rock star” Shane Gray, a.k.a. Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, is…teaching classes at the camp? Which he used to attend? To clean up his “bad boy” image that he earned doing unspecified bad things? Whatever. Even though Alyson Stoner is ready to have gay sex with Demi the minute she walks into the camp, Demi wants to be accepted by the popular kids, consisting of a blond alpha bitch and her HaraGossip Girls, so she lies and tells them her mother is a bigshot music exec in China. Also, PGL hears her singing and falls in love with her voice, but can’t find her anywhere! Oh noes!

Demi doesn’t put up with PGL’s shit and he finds that refreshing and they fall in love, or something. There’s also a scene where she covers her face in flour to disguise herself, and it’s never made clear whether he knows it’s her or not. It’s really, really stupid. Blondie finds out the truth about Demi’s mom and reveals it to the camp, and frames her for stealing Blondie’s charm bracelet, which seems like overkill to me, but whatever. It does get Demi banned from the big end-of-summer performance competition. One of Blondie’s sidekicks tells Blondie to go fuck herself and then wins the competition, and then Demi performs her Big Song, and PGL forgives her for lying about being rich and they hold hands. The end!

7:54 Becky has already screamed "Oh my God I hate you" at Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas, and the movie hasn't even started yet.

7:58 A preview for Camp Rock plays, just in case you somehow didn't know what was going to be on now.

Rachel: Now I know the whole movie.

7:59 The CR kids are sitting around in a room. A Jonas is playing the bongos.

Rachel: Bongos? Really? The bongos?

Jess: What is on Peter Gallagher-Looking Jonas's head?

Becky: A cockatoo?

8:00 We open with an establishing shot of a beautiful suburban house.

Becky: Isn't that the house where Troy lives?

Demi wakes up, smiles with all eight million of her teeth, puts on a CD, and jumps around.

Rachel: Who still makes mix CDs? Who doesn't just download mp3s? Oh, I guess Miss Perky Pajama Pants doesn't.

Jess: She's not as endearing as she's trying so hard to be.

Becky: But she's genuine. You can tell because she's a brunette.

8:02 PETER GALLAGHER-LOOKING JONAS'S NAME IS SHANE GRAY?

Rachel: Hee hee hee! Look at the moody Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

8:03 Demi wants to go to Camp Rock.

Mom: We just can't swing it right now.

Becky: Really? Because I saw the exterior of your house.

Rachel: But they're just renting it from the Boltons.

Demi: Gotta go, last day of school.

Rachel: Why it always the motherfucking last day of school?

8:05 Demi goes to school for no reason and hangs out with her friend, Worst Friend Ever.
Worst Friend Ever: *is the worst friend ever*

8:06 The mom is the cook for Camp Rock now, so Demi's going to Camp Rock!

Becky: Wouldn't they have known about this MONTHS in advance?

Rachel: What ninth or tenth grader wouldn't be mortified by having her mom be a chef at the rock and roll camp she wants to go to?

Now we're at Camp Rock. Surprise!

Becky: Why did that kid just do a backflip?

Jess: Children are gyrating. I find it disconcerting.

8:09 We meet the camp director. He's Australian, so we'll call him Oz.

Oz: I'm a former member of the [band name we don’t quite catch].

Jess: The WHITE Crows?

Rachel: The WET Crows?

Oz: *pretends to be important*

Mom: You know Aerosmith?

Rachel: He doesn't know Aerosmith! He doesn't know ANYONE! Well, he might know the Jonas Brothers. Do not sleep with him.

Demi bumps into the villain of the piece.

Evil Blonde Girl: *is evil*

Becky: You, madam, are no Sharpay Evans.

Adorable Alyson Stoner shows up. Usually we love her, but she's terrible in this movie, I guess to make everyone else feel better. She's a dancer, so they decided to showcase her skills by making her…a music producer.

Alyson: (on Blondie) She's the diva of Camp Rock.

Jess: "And I'm clearly the eclectic outsider!"

Rachel: How is there only one diva at a performing arts camp?

8:12 A way-too-excited woman introduces herself as…Dia La Duke, I’m pretty sure. Some boys appear out of nowhere and start dancing.

Becky: Oh, I get it! It's a crack hallucination!

Rachel: Those shorts certainly are.

8:13 They’re making PGL Jonas teach at camp, for some reason.

PGL: I don't want to spend my summer at some stupid camp! I'm SHANE GRAY, for crying out loud!

Rachel: Never have eyebrows emoted so hard.

Extra: This is where Connect Three connected.

That line: *was amazing*

Extra: Oh, and can you make me a birdhouse or something?

Jess: Is he stoned?

Rachel: He's totally stoned!

Jess: He's my new favorite!

8:18 Demi is snubbed by Blondie and her friends.

Becky: So she's sad because she doesn't get to be a snotty bitch?

Rachel: No, she has to go play piano alone in a room somewhere, so PGL can overhear her and spend the whole summer being like "BUT WHO?"

8:19 Extra and Adopted Jonas drop PGL off at camp.

Jess: They left? They just left him?

Rachel: They hate him too!

8:21 Demi goes to play piano alone in a room somewhere. PGL overhears her.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh till they cry*

8:23 Some random girl sings a song at one of Camp Rock’s nightly impromptu performances. It’s terrible.

Jess: Film rant time! If you open the movie with a non-diagetic musical number, the diagetic ones that follow will all look like drug trips. Although I supposed these outfits don't help that.

8:25 Plot: *craps itself all over the screen*

Here follows a ten minute discussion of how Disney doesn't understand class issues. Basically people whose father owns a hardware store and whose mother runs her own catering business and who live in a beautiful suburban mini-mansion are not tragically poor, and even if they were, no one would react the way they do in this movie.

8:27 Ashley from Hannah Montana is basically continuing to play Ashley from Hannah Montana, except this version can sing (for definitions of “can sing” that mean “cannot sing”). Why won’t Disney let Asian girls be smart? Do they think they are fighting prejudice this way or something?

Mom: Can you believe none of these cookbooks have recipe for chili for 300?

Rachel: You don't know how to make chili?

Jess: You don't know how to multiply?

Becky: You're a caterer and you've never cooked for a large crowd before?

8:29 Jess: WHY IS EVERYONE SO GREASY?

8:30 Blondie’s mommy doesn’t love her.

Jess and Becky: Awww.

Don’t worry. We still don’t like her. Also…

Jess: What the fuck kind of bunk has glass windows and throw rugs?

8:32 Rachel: I hate this movie.

Jess: What happened to the Jonas who was abandoned in the woods? Has he been eaten by a bear?

Rachel: He's still in that room yelling "BUT WHO?"

8:33 Rachel: Okay, Alyson Stoner has a thing for Demi, right?

Becky and Jess: Yes.

Alyson: So your music - is it any good?

Rachel: "I love you."

Alyson: So I'll see you around.

Rachel: "I love you."

8:34 PGL Jonas is cruelly awoken by Oz, who tells him he has a class to teach in five minutes.

Jess: Ugh, the Jonas is in his underwear.

Oz throws water on PGL.

Rachel: Ugh, now the Jonas is wet and in his underwear.

8:36 Oz: Don't argue with finger.

Your Reviewers: WHAT?

Becky: I liked this scene better when it was in Sister Act.

8:38 Demi has her OH MY GOD SHE’S SO TALENTED WE HAD NO IDEA LOL moment. (She isn’t, actually, that talented.)

Becky: She sings like Miley acts in the first season of Hannah Montana, where no one told her there was a difference between acting and yelling.

Jess: This scene has killed me. I'm dead now.

8:39 Demi is “working” (for the same definition of “work” employed (ha!) by the HSM kids) in the kitchen. PGL walks in.

PGL: BUT WHO?

Your Reviewers: *laugh for ten minutes*

Demi: *covers her face with flour for NO GODDAMN REASON*

PGL: *yells at her about his very important food allergies*

Rachel: He's not gonna recognize her later because she's not going to be covered in flour. I just want to make sure you guys know that.

Becky: Also, he has very important food allergies.

Jess: There's nothing manlier than important food allergies.

Becky: And tight white jeans.

Rachel: Well, you could probably fit a finger in there.

Jess: Why would you say that to us? People you supposedly like?

8:44 PGL heads off to teach his class.

Rachel: Wasn't his class ages ago? Days ago?

8:45 The “class” begins.

Rachel: Bring back stoned Jonas! I want to know more about the birdhouse.

PGL’s Pants: *make Your Reviewers cover their eyes*

8:46 Becky: Okay, they painted those pants onto him, and it's not okay. Those aren't even jeans. They're leggings with pockets.

Jess: PGL can't dance. Why are they doing this horrible routine?

PGL: *is suddenly so gay for some drumming kid, what the hell*

8:50 Mom: *apparently wants Demi to date girls, okay*

8:52 Rachel: Blondie is the extremely low, low rent Amanda Bynes.

8:55 Girls: *throw spaghetti at each other for no reason*

Rachel: No one has any sauce for this spaghetti. They should complain to the caterer.

Oz: *uses the Finger*

Jess: Is he going to make the three of them spend the rest of the summer in the isolation cabin and then they're going to discover that they're twins?

8:57 PGL sings a stupid song to Demi.

Becky: Full of hate full of hate full of hate full of hate…

Jess: Who is singing backup with him? Are they on the lake?

Becky: The other Jonii are naiads!

Jess: I want them to paddle by in kayaks, singing.

Rachel: Okay, but this makes no sense, because the scene before was totally incoherent. She was like "That's good," and he was like "WHAT THAN MY STUPID COOKIE-CUTTER POP MUSIC?" and she was like "I like that music" and then he was like I LOVE YOU. Also, why did she go over there with her guitar in the first place? He clearly didn't want to jam with her.

Jess: PGL and Demi can't jam together. They can EAT jam together.

[Pause to wash dishes and order food. The timestamps are now totally inaccurate. Sorry.]

9:16 Jess: Do they not know it's summer? Because everyone keeps wearing boots.

Demi is mean to Alyson, but redeems herself by also being mean to Blondie.

Rachel: What an odd moral. We learned that it's okay to be mean as long you're mean to everyone. Then you get to date a Jonas Brother, which I guess is God's punishment to you for being mean to everyone.

9:19 Alyson (who got punished for sauceless spaghetti-throwing by being forced to work in the kitchen and DISCOVERED DEMI’S SECRET ZOMG) and Demi are blowing up balloons and laughing. Demi ditches Alyson for Blondie. Alyson’s balloon deflates.

Jess: Aw, sad lesbian balloon.

Becky: Wait, so Alyson does work and Demi totally doesn't?

9:21 The other Jonii show up! Well, via the phone.

Stoner Jonas: How's my birdhouse coming?

Your Reviewers: YAY!

Stoner Jonas: I want more birds in my -

Jess: WHY IS ADOPTED WEARING A SPEEDO?

Meanwhile, back at camp…

PGL: BUT WHO? *grabs the Little Drummer Boy* Hey buddy, want to do me a favor?

Jess: Is it a SEX FAVOR?

Rachel: Is it “be my boyfriend?”

Becky: Is it “put your penis in my butt?”

Jess: Oh man, now he's making the whole camp BUT WHO? Hey, that one girl's at camp for Tambourine. "Yeah, I majored in Tambourine at camp."

Rachel: "I'm a camp legend."

9:25 This love story is intolerable.

9:28 The other Jonii finally show up at camp.

Becky: Oh, thank God, Stoner Jonas is back.

9:32 Becky: So we have Jonas Who Knows Things, Jonas Who Doesn't Know Things, and Jonas Who's an Asshole?

Blondie: So tell us about your mom again.

Alyson: Oh, her mom's a good person. What's your mom like, random dancer?

Random Dancer: *with thinly veiled contempt* She's like…a mom.

That: *is the best non-birdhouse-related line in the movie*

9:36 PGL’s heart is broken because Demi’s NOT RICH. He pretends not to care.

PGL: I don't want to get sidetracked with liking someone anyway.

Jess: He's never going to like anyone ever?

Rachel: Well, he is Jonas Who's an Asshole.

9:38 Everyone hates Demi!

Jess: Well, she did pretend to be rich. That is the worst thing you can ever do.

9:39 Everyone forgives Demi, because she’s talented.

Jess: So the moral of the movie is "It's okay not to be rich, as long as you're talented."

Demi: I'm a good person!

Jess: THAT'S A LIE.

9:45 It’s time for Final Jam! Yay, I guess.

Becky: Oh hey, that's where Corbin did double dutch!

9:50 Oz talks.

Jess: I have no idea what he just said, but I hated all of it.

9:55 Blondie performs after being deserted by her ethnic sidekicks.

Jess: Why is she dressed like an ice skater?

9:56: Oz: Margaret Dupree!

Ashley from Hannah Montana: Who's Margaret Dupree?

Blondie’s Moody Black Sidekick: I am.

Becky: Wait, did she not have a name before?

A montage: *IS THERE FOR SOME REASON WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK*

Becky: Did she have an emotional arc we missed?

Rachel: I'm telling you, every single person is in a different movie!

There are like ten songs in a row.

Jess: Okay, musicals aren't supposed to have ALL THE SONGS IN THE SAME PLACE.

10:01 Demi sings! Like omg!

PGL: Gasp! BUT WHO? IS YOU!

10:02 They “sing” a duet.

Becky: So at least PGL is used to lip synching. That was me burning the Jonas Brothers.

Jess: Oh. I thought you meant back when only Nick was famous and he would sit alone in his room, crying and mouthing along to Nick's Christian rock album wishing he was Nick.

Becky: We know way too much about the Jonas Brothers.

10:05 The movie is finally, mercifully over.

Becky: This makes High School Musical look like…

Rachel: Singin' in the Rain?

Jess: That was worse than White Wolves, the standard by which all bad movies are set. Wow.

Becky: There was not one good thing you could say about it. That was a failure in every conceivable way.

So there you have it, folks. Camp Rock: The Worst Movie Ever. We suffered, yes – but we did it for you.