Monday, October 20, 2008

Countdown to HSM3: Top 10 Most Ridiculous Lyrics

10. I Don't Dance
"I'll show you that it's one and the same / Baseball, dancing, same game"

Jess: As anyone who has ever attempted to dance and/or play baseball knows, this is patently untrue. In fact, the only way insane lines like "Lean back, tuck it in, take a chance" make sense is if the whole thing is a metaphor for gay sex. Which we're pretty sure it is.
Becky: Presumably. Because Ryan is encouraging Chad to, "Just hit it." Which literally only makes sense if Ryan is trying to seduce Chad, because Ryan is pitching to Chad, so if we're talking baseball, he shouldn't want Chad to hit anything. If we're talking gay sex, though, pitchers and catchers take on a whole metaphorical meaning that makes way more sense.

9. All For One
"Each day we'll be together / Now until forever"
"Let's celebrate today 'cause there'll never be another"
"It's not about the future / It's not about the past
It's making every single day last and last and last!"

Jess: The HSMers have a very odd relationship with the space/time continuum. Is it about living today...forever? Or the future...that is now? Or, like, totally cute capris? It's the capris, isn't it.
Becky: Well, look at it like this; if there are infinite dimensions with infamous universes, somewhere out there is a HSM where it IS about the future, and one where it IS about the past, and, because they're big into pandimensionality at Disney, they just wanted to reference that. Or... uh.. Yeah.

8. Fabulous
"Turkey imported from Maine"
"I need my Tiffany hair band"

Becky: Presumably Sharpy was too busy planning how to crush Kelsi's last shred of dignity beneath her stiletto-clad heel to pay attention in school, but, um, that's not how imports work. They have to come from another country, honey. Also: really, turkey is her choice poolside snack? I guess maybe I just don't understand the wealthy.
Jess: You're so plebeian, Becky. I, however, am high class, which is how I know that Tiffany's does not sell hair bands...BECAUSE THEY ARE A JEWELRY STORE.

7. Stick to the Status Quo
"No no noooooo / Stick to the stuff you know"
"Open up, dig way down deep…Not another peep"
"Speak your mind and you'll be heard…Not another word"

Becky: East High Student Body, I demand some consistency! Do you want to know people's deep dark secrets, or not?!
Jess: I guess the answer to that is "No no no nooooooo/No no no." Uh, we get the message, guys. Also, you can't rhyme "no" with "know."

6. We're All in This Together
"We're not the same / We're different in a good way"
"We've arrive because we stand together"

Jess: ARRRGH. The saccharine nonsense of this line hurts me like an ice cream headache.
Becky: Especially Sharpay. She's different in a way where she doesn't actually belong in that song, because she hates all of them, and they absolutely never stood together at all.

5. Breaking Free
"And all the world can see us / In a way that's different than who we are / Creating space between us / 'Til we're separate hearts"

Jess: I'm sorry, I thought this movie was about being seen for who you are. Not...a way that's different than that? Or...wait, what?
Becky: And, you know, there OUGHT to be space between them; PDAs at school are just icky. The "separate hearts" line does make me picture Troy and Gabi on a romance novel cover, though.

4. Humuhumunukunukuapua'a
"She was sweet as a peach in a pineapple way / But so sad that she hardly speaky"

Becky: It's a lot harder to snark on this one, because the problem isn't that it's ludicrous or inconsistent, it's that it's, well, kinda racist. The whole thing screams, "Oh, those wacky Pacific Islanders! They have such funny names!"
Jess: Not to mention the kooky dialect. "Oh, those Pacific Islanders! They can't talk good English!"
Becky: Basically, we wish we could have gotten the hilarity of this scene without the patronizing attitude or cultural appropriation. Fail, Disney.

3. Everyday
"Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance"
"No matter where we're going it starts from where we are"

Jess: Okay, I'll admit it. This song is this high (or low) on the list in part because the way it is staged absolutely infuriates me. But it is also there because of idiot lines like these, which either state the obvious (where we're going starts from where we are? NO WAY!) or make no damn sense, and because of the bewildering assertion in the chorus that they are going to "use [their] voices and scream out loud" (at what? AT WHAT?), and because it repeats the endless and incomprehensible theme of living for the moment forever in the future today, or something, and because OH MY GOD "EVERY DAY" IS ONLY ONE WORD WHEN IT'S BEING USED AS AN ADJECTIVE WHICH YOU ARE NOT DOING HERE.

2. Work It Out
"A little bit of sugar / A little bit of butter / It's the perfect recipe"
"Pay day! It'll taste so sweet / Pay day! Good enough to eat"
"Get tickets to the Knicks and Sixers"

Becky: Now, Jess is the one here who isn't terrified of those scary cooking machines in the kitchen, but I'm pretty sure that a little bit of sugar mixed with a little bit of butter gives you ... sugary butter.
Jess: It does! It is the perfect recipe...for a heart attack. Also, I know you're new to the whole working thing, kids, but you can't eat pay day. Also also, Zeke, honey? The Knicks and the Seventy-Sixers a) are basketball teams, which means they play in winter, and b) are on the East Coast.

1. Get'cha Head in the Game
"Make sure that we get the rebound / 'Cause when we get it then the crowd will go wild"

Jess: High School Musical as a whole doesn't really seem to have the concept of "rhyming" down, but this "rebound"/"go wild" couplet is definitely the most egregious example.
Becky: And, hey, if Jess can rant about adjectives, I can at least throw this out there: Apostrophes, UR DOIN IT RONG. Apostrophes replace missing letters and spaces; if you MUST have one in this phrase, it should probably be "get cha'," but even that is stretching it, because it ISN'T an apostrophe-appropriate situation. It's just nonsense, which, if you are truly COMPELLED to punctuate, should get quotation marks to denote that it is being written as it's said, and no apostrophe at all.
Jess: But the real reason this song tops the list is because in defiance of all known laws of the universe, Drew "Voice of Troy" Seeley and his inappropriate apostrophe were nominated for an Emmy.

Music lovers, commence weeping...now.

2 comments:

Mitch said...

The internet is completely amazing, but I still refuse to believe Sharpay would pay this little for a hairband:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_there_such_thing_as_a_tiffany_hairband_because_when_you_go_to_tiffany's_in_barbados_they_have_no_idea_what_it_is_and_Ashley_Tisdale_sings_about_a_Tiffany_hairband_in_her_song_fabulous_from_hsm_2&src=ansTT

kizna1200 said...

I'm sorry, Get'cha Head in the Game was nominated for an Emmy?

If they were going to nominate a song from HSM couldn't they have nominated a better song?